full moon: oct 2015: letting go of addiction

days before halloween. no plans to place any more disguises over the layers of costumes i wear. 

hoping to peel like an onion, but wondering if i'm rotting, if peeling at this point would be like digging fingernails into a molded, blues and white onion, and only getting millions of bacteria that the self recognizes as notself. 

full moon.  last one was to let go of resistance and embrace what is. did so. accepted that i am where i am and found ways to engage a little deeper, to take part, and initiate, and be proactive in the tango, at first awkwardly leading turns, stepping on toes, and at some point twirling my dance-mates. figuratively speaking. 

figuratively living through the steps of the prophet muhammad who has laid out the single most compreshensive system of organic living. once it is bombed and depleted, once the taker culture is done with the genocidal campaign that they wage, and have fully grown their tumor beyond repair into this path of humility, then the teachings of the tradition will be romanticized in new age massage schools, and homeopathic schools of medicine, and perhaps even among the spiritually and geneaologically destitue, hoping to connect with something meaningful. we see it with native american spirtiualy and identity appropriation. 

letting go of the behavioral patterns of addiction to that which harms me, and in turn others around me (as my negative is a frequency that impacts the whole). 

been watching my thoughts a little more, since i've been reading on addiction, and addictive behaviors. 

found myself acting out the addiction i was reading about...acting from a place of compulsion, of a reward pathway that would initate the behavior, a mental process of wanting that gluten-free vegan fig newton bar at new seasons supermarket. found myself thinking of how good it would taste, and how gratifying it wold be, and then, concomitantly engaging in why it would be wrong. and this thought process appeared to create a heru-set, a yin and yang, of dark vs light, good vs evil, and thus a hedonism, which is said to be a neccessary ingredient to addiction. 

the reward pathway seems to only be expanded by the hedonism, by doing it anyway, even though i knew it would be a bad idea, knew the consequences. yet, oddly, and predictably, the arousal grows. 

so i'm past phase one of the addictive mind - past the thought process that sets off dopamine, and gaba, and opiods. i run ot of the cafe i am, leaving my ipad, and books, and jacket, and rush down the block, hopping and skipping, and still having this internal conflict, but knowing i will grab the organic fig newton, and salivating at the thought. then getting it, chowing down like a bulemic, feeling a deep sensory gratification, the sugar rush, gold. then it sinks like lead into my belly, enters as a conflicting bit of chyme into my small intestines, which doesn't know how to distro the nutrion-less highly processed babylon organic. so i feel the frankenfood going through the villi and micorvilli straight into the bloodstream, taxig my pancreas to over-activate b-cells, that mass output insulin, setting off insulin receptors on peripheral tissue, and being on the verge of a resistance - diabetes. that's right. body in revolution, in resistance struggle, stops producing insuling altogether, so there is no uptake of all that excess glucose, or the tissues resist it, setting off sweet blood and sweet pea syndrome. 

all this to say, that it was a behavior, sure there are mesmeric colors, and associate tunes that may have come from feel good foods from childhood and the commericals that convinced me of such, but i ultimately make the decision, and the decision happens in my head first. thus, more than a substance having control over you, it is you who exercise control - by way of behavior. 

you is me, and my letting go this month is of the thought pattern that produces these false reward pathways that neccessarily leads to a greater hollow, once the deed is done. it is a negative feedback loop. it is a futile attempt to get secuirty by avoiding what is present, what needs to be dealt with. by avoiding reality, you grow engaged in an actionable preoccupation that holds a momentary (snesory) gratification, and then, suddenly, gone, and your left lower than before you began. 

sure i'm talking about a gluten-free vegan fig bar, but i could apply this to my consumption of coffee, to certain negative thought patterns that occur in the active voices in my head. adddiction is a compulsion to repeatedly do something that results in a negative consequence. doesn't have to be drugs. could be talking smack about others; could be haterations, on constantly having negative emotions towards other ethnic groups, members of your family, people at work, on the street...could be chocolate, or shopping, or, or....you tell me...

i can wear sparkly white kicks and crisp jeans and a white tee, but if my room, and house are dirty, then how clean am i? words are costumes, they might sound good/right/moving, but they disguise what is happening inside. or atleast they can. 

so this month i let go of negative thought patterns by: watching my thoughts, by spending 10 minutes each day in meditation, and then applying the fruits of this meditation in moment to moment presence. when these negative thoughts, words, song lyrics come up, i will ask myself why, and delve into the roots until i can address it on this deeper level, to seek peace with these pasts and expectations and fears, that give rise to them....inshALLAH...

99 names: 13: al Mussawir ii: the Shaper of Beauty ii

al Mussawir...ja na ta, man-red, who i intro as my cuzin, says in his language - navajo.

means, walking in beauty, he tells me. 

surrrender...the path of surrender, the path of surrendering to the Source of Peace (islam), is walking in beauty, is an opportunity to glimpse the Creation of al Mussawir...otherwise, labs and info...

babylonians love info. thats why we are confused all the time. thatts why we have so many breakdowns, and mental crises, to the point that they are norms, part of our culture - mid life crisis. 

the Shaper of Beauty holds no forum in the self-help section. the Shaper is found in the poetics of sky and earth, and ocean, and condensation, and fish, and fruits and corn, and purple cabbage...

but instead i'm walking through the self help isles, reading the latest craze on the latest revered idol of cullinary skills, herbalism, fad diet....babylon lovs their idols, because they, cause we, are falling apart at the seams, and have to get new jeans monthly to make up for existential crisis.

i've been having a mid life crisis since i started kindergarten, decades ago. it was just me pouting then, and then teeange angst, then reality bites, in my twenties...then...then...

instead of seeing al Mussawir, i was trying to learn and understand everything, cause i needed evidence, cause the babylon approach is to prove it. but  they don't

idol worship. we all fall into it. looking for a leader. looking for someone to believe in, because our cultures are labeled terror, cause real leaders are assasinated and hung, serving triple life.

idol - obama is an idol to many. peopple want someone to believe in. people saying he's been coming around, getting to be who he really is, in this last term...we pay attention to the detail, the arch of his brows, the frustration of his tone as he addresses the nation on yet another mass shooting...this is becoming redundant, he says...makes reference to the lax gun laws...

later that day...executive order to drop more bombs, drone more suspects in 5 different countries. the doctors without borders hospital in afghanistan was bombed. apoloigies sent, because it was wikileaked. two days later a u.s. military tank rams through it...

who are your leaders? what is the criteria for your leaders? are they people who are involved in acts of mass murder, who engage in mass-deceit, who tell you whatever you want to hear, but do otherwise? who are your leaders and why?

the beauty of al Mussawir needs no approval. the river jordan just is. the hudson knows where to go, and the gorges in ithaca have no parallell in man-made architecture. 

as i've been growing deeper in this path, truths reveal themselves. while studying nutrition, they've been talking about the importance of fasting. babylonian scientists are discovering this now. they've stabbed enough rats with stress hormones and then put them on fasts. they've paid enough desperate elders who are just longing for a touch, because babylon culture dscards their elders, to fasting diets, and then seeing what happens...

my babylon sistas, of all so-called races, seem to carry the same individual-driven spiritualism...you could keep it sis. 

spirituality is new age, and having crystals, and homeboy, the indian dude who hangs with oprah...oh yeah, deepak chopra...it's all about you...you, you, you...

somehow, all issues reside in you. regardless of what else is happening, none of it matters, it's all you. 

my learnings from the teachings of the Shape in the Beauty, is that everything is in divine syncopation, that the beauty of the stones and crystals come as not isolate pieces to be give horoscopic value to, but as deeply engaged in the community they were part of, for millenia...not just a rock that was already a crystal, that visited the mountain they were carved out of, like the strip of bars and restaurants and cafes everyone hangs out in for a minute, while its hot, and then bounce...on to the next...

in addition to shaping beauty for yourself, by recognizing that your body has been weaved by al Mussawir to be beautiful, just the way it is, not as the white standards of beauty, or the black mens magazines or the bollywood cinemas, define as beauty. they are equally babylon. white babylon, black babylon, brown babylon = babylon. 

in a culture of idol worship, worship of ego, of celebrity, of those who bow down to money and lust and power over others (which somehow translates to respect), al Mussawir gets lost. nature becomes a place for pharmaceutical, furniture, consturction-company, etc, giants. its a place for new age herbalists and ayurvedic and so-called traditional medicine practitioners to be experts of. 

you keep your expertise homie. keep your stage-loving-lusting god-complexes. while your on your mic, speaking to the wave of audience...i'm turned around, staring at the moon, finding my way back to the village elders, and staring and listening to what my next stage of life will be, from my pops, the way i used to for the cure, nas, johnny depp. i'm hanging on his every word, because i understand that his humility, my mothers humility is so alien and anathema, that it has to be exterminated, that it has be demonized and hacked, like pregnant mothers and babies in palestine.

99 names: 13: al Mussawir: the Shaper of Beauty

in surah al-hashr, 59:22, ALLAH's 13th name appears as Al-Mussawir, the Shaper, or the Shaper of Form/Beauty:

He is God, the Creator, the Maker who shapes all forms and appearances!  ^[31] His [alone] are the attributes of perfection.  ^[32] All that is in the heavens and on earth extols His limitless glory: for He alone is almighty, truly wise! - 59:24 (Asad) 

to be nothing means to develop these attributes. to be something, means to shun, to suppress, to corrupt characteristics.

i have been something. i am riding on something. in kerala, when i was among keralan friends, they would say nothing-doing. it was a translation of a malyali word, i'm sure, and didn't make complete sense in english, not to me atleast, until recently. nothing doing, means, to me, that it appears like there's something happening, but really nothing is. so nothing doing.

talked to cuzin yusef today. he's hanging in he says. trying to making meaning of circumstance, of miami, of job-life, of purpose, of music.

aftter the music fast last year, i've been traveling in chaos, not sure what to music to put on, and operating instead from what's familiar. so, the same 90's tracks creep, same feel good, but doesn't feel good, so i put on abdul basit, the egyptian reciter who taught me how to put my hands over my face - a practice i've developed when people insist i be in a picture. face covered. but my actions are covered too.

my actions remain not hidden, but non-existant. i've surrounded myself in a tower, getting nautious behind the screen and vinyasing constantly. asana and prayer ground me. the recitations keep me connected. 

maintaining, instead of shaping. what does it mean to shape? 

to shape means to be messy, to do without audience, because Real recognize Real. if it sucks it sucks. then grow from it. then it wasn't that real. 

to be Real means to put ALL, to do from Higher, to be vulnerable, to try, to more than try, to allow the doing and the consequent feedback to be the practice... and to allow the practice to be constant, and in the process deepen you. go deep. real deep.

shape, as you have been shaped. shape from One. you were shaped from One. the Maker of Beauty, has made you in beauty. the  artistry of Creation is all around. this alone should compell us to shape. 

shape. what does it mean to shape beauty? take time with your child. be present with them. takke time with your parents, your siblings, your cousins, your cuzins, your core-dozen. 

craft. be messy with it, and go deep. push your boundaries. be a maker of beauty by doing your best. are you doing your best? why not? 

shape from the Maker, by decondiitioning the plastic that you wear when you smile, dress, eat...

...to get to the Maker of Beauty, take off your cool -  the veneer, the professional, the career guy/gal and do. so what someone thinks you suck at making beats, or that you can't dress, or that you are a lousy teacher, doctor, etc? maybe. so then get the feedback and go deeper. no need to be defensive. be thankful for the feedback and work from and on the side of truth. 

all praise is due for this oportunity to shape to have been shaped, touched, by the Maker, into this body you and i occupy. 

---

full moon letting go sept 2015

in the name of the One...

where's the love...where's the love? radiohead asks, in their song fake plastic trees...she lives with a broken heart...do you live with one?

my heart's partially broken from the bomb that just fell right now. my heart aches because it feels the gang rape of the 10 country assault on syria...somehow the bombs of the 10 countries, their drones, soldiers who snipe are the good guys ending the bad...somehow their fighter jets, rain of bullets, are helping the internal affairs of another country, helping a civil war...

...what would it be like if during another city at unrest, like baltimore, people vs cops...canada, and mexico, and israel france and japan and russia and britain and...decided to drop bombs on us, saying they were helping to keep the destructive behavior of the terror gangs from spreading???

deep. 

prayers. plant my head in the soil, and surrender these heavy thoughts. 

rise from sajdah in hope, in renewed spirit, prepare for dua, for the begging, for prayers...then i pray for the droppers of bombs and the bombed. pray for compassion, for a better way, for love to fill the hearts of those actively and professionally involved in lying to the public because they run the show we watch in suspended disbelief...

prayers for you oppressor man/woman. 

prayers for the mothers, fathers, grandparents...

is there a safe place for elders? 

nyc speaks the language of high on cocaine through the left lane of moving through hustlenomics, selling you on a day and time and schedule. i forget. 

i forget that we were supposed to meet. appointment books get lost on me. no excell or spreadsheets or google calendar to plug in the date two weeks from now. i forget and we never met again, and no marriage, and another missed boat, and i must not be serious, cause i would've showed up to the appointment. i'll pass. 

this full moon i'm letting go of resisting what i have to offer. so, letting go of resistance to fulfilling of this path. instead, what i'll be doing is embracing, hugging, actualizing, through the Surrender. this full moon reminds me that eclipses happen, and to embrace, to maintain orbit, to keep shining from within, even if without looks dark, appears cloudy. 

this full moon, instead of resisting, by letting go of resisting, i am letting go of control, of attempting to be a perfectionist in controlling perfectly the outcome, the happening. instead, i'm trying my best, and listening and moving, through the work, because making mistakes is important, because other peoples reactions are a reflection, because there is reward in the work, regardless of how belittling it seems, because your Purpose can never be compromised by ego - yours or anyone else's. 

letting go of resistance to my Purpose, to your Purpose, means to let go of the ego that may seek to control you in wanting to control an outcome. 

in dealing with the frequency of ego, you fall in competition with others who are in this wavelength, and un-naturally set measurements with others on the stick of who knows more, who is more important? the most important thing you can do is the Work. the Work is fulfilling Purpose. the Purpose is to serve through humility, diligence, spiritual alliance...

what will be possible when, if i step away from resistance that comes from ego - from, i'm too good for, i'm better than, i am not good enough to, i don't deserve to...? i'll let you know in less than 14 days, during the half moon. you let me know to royalty...