...like scripture... the numbers read like a scriptture and Truth be told... i was not in a position to tell you anything... to share any advice... advisement... i was not in position to be a spiritual teacher... that my practices didn't reflect epiphany and a road to salvation but instead brought up hurt... insomnia... chaos in practice...
...all praise is due to ALLAH for this moment of humility... for these moments of pause... for disturbance... existential quagmire... i was certainly steeped in this as my moments of fast were contradicted with the speeches i'd rehearsed in my head to my invisible audience... that there is great growth, ascension that occurs that becomes available during fasting during the full moon...
...what i was actually experiencing this full moon was the empty... was the hollow... was the sprawl... of being a sprawl of cheaply cooked cocaine in a roach infested kitchen sitting in the veins of a needle as it stabbed into addiction...
...that's what i felt... that's what i experienced... a not knowing... a wtf?... a what's the point... a how did i get here... well into the early lay down... the outward motions indicated yogi... sufi... devout - fasting, drinking herbal teas, water, in asana... conversations... the early to bed... but 5 hours later i was still without sleep... still flipping and flopping worry... anxiety... wtf... but not getting up... until 4am... then going to the other room to lay down... to escape the freeze...
...finally... r.e.m... and suddenly waking at 7:25am... 5 mins before parking violation... leaped out of bed, leaped into the shower, into clothes, into the car... drove... did a solid 20 mins of asana after getting to work - rinsing out my joints... getting to a point of all praise is due... and then throughout the day squeezing moments here and there... working my way into a little over an hour... then doing some more at homie's place... his kids glancing over at times...
...this is what i learned on the night of the fast... of the full moon... of 12:12... that being uncomfortable is okay... that teachings have to be Real... of what is happening vs what you'd like to be... vs something that sounds beautiful... like i was at peace from the fast... no... i was in distress... i was in conundrum... i was exhausted and without sleep...
...what i learned?... that sleeplessness is an indication of Work that needs to be done... that there is war... and your body can't rest till there is peace...
...what i learned is that i should've gotten up and Worked through asana... through pranayama and dhyna... dikr and salat and dua...
...that doing these things would've benefited me... as laying around and pretending that i would fall asleep at some point did not serve me...
...i learned that i am not at peace... because i am avoiding a lot... and they linger... they are pushing out through my cell membranes like the clothes gushing out of the closet... i have too many coats, hoodies, shirts, suits...
...i learned that in going for what i really really want... instead of seeking easy ways out - instead of seeking what is easier, what is safer, what is complacent, what is less expensive, what is familiar - i need to prioritize and Work with single minded focus...
...this month's intention is to prioritize... to place priority on what is important... on what needs to get done... and do this with single minded focus... discipline...
...this month i prioritize my offerings as a medicine man - medicines that will help you, the self Love thing - tarot therapy - panchakarmas - linking up with local/global organizations to offer a percentage of all panchakarma's to their efforts - Work that You are doing towards supporting the rights dignity peace ascension of all beings... inshALLAH...
...this month i prioritize the living situation... the Our house...
...this month i prioritize those things that require immediate attention - the car, taxes, my eyes, weight, rent, bills, housing, the health of my family and friends, the writing....
...this month i prioritize the wedding of the Lover...
...this month i prioritize the completion and publishing of the writings...
...how?... by creating the circumstance... being in courses... in programs... in spaces that are growing and educational and generate income... inshALLAH...
...this month... through my Work... i meet You... and create jobs... for family... and those in need... inshALLAH...
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