...in the name of ALLAH... the Most Compassionate... the Most Merciful...
..feasted...after the fast.. at the conclusion... ate too much... at my brother's... 1-who KNows... did you Know...?... he did... witnessed... has been hovering above my right shoulder.... my mom's been leaning in on this shoulder... feeding angels... starving the devil that often takes host in my neurons like a virus... acts like a cell... catapulting movement into blues...
...been playing the blues this past week... instead of fasting like last year... instead of eating myself into atrophy... into chrysalis... i hurt... hung in there through the pearls of yogi path... of the path of Surrender... bowing down daily... atleast once...sometimes twice... asana-ing...
...been questioning purpose... forgetting what it is... wondering how i got to this point... glad to be away from conversations enmeshed in haterations... in identity politics... in we against the them... glad to be around universalists like my mother... father... who even in the face of adversity... discrimination... xenophobia from all races... uphold Love for all... an aspiration indeed...
...i am my mother... i am my father... they are me... that's how they move... they recognize the organism even when babylon will tear me into shreds... convince me of individualisms... that do me you do you... even when i see this hypocrisy in myself... in others who are essentially reflections of me... people like me who grew up here... family members... extended family... people who talk about spirituality and religion vs white people and yet pinch dollars like it were the hereafter... they are reminders of how narrow i may be... a reflection for me to let go... deeper...
...this past suncycled (bday) - an ashram school...
...this past winter cycle... what would the Lover do?...
...the Lover often hides in me... too hurt to holler or hang... staying within the confines of momentary happy... forgetting that every breath i take is one more step towards You...
...finally have been going public... finally have been giving myself up... Surrender... finally not coming from a place of contradiction - how do i get myself out there? into what can i contribute that could bring me and you Closer to the One...?...
...yoga/yogi roots culture/ the path of Surrender... the soof... the shawl... the poems and writings... the movement towards Greater Love... Lover... Reaching for this... does this...
...this past week of darkness has made clear how essential planning is... not to fill a void... not just to keep me from facing myself... but to offer myself... to be in a state of Work... worship... to be in a state of ALLAH-hoo-Akbar...
...the Work i have to offer only makes sense if it helps... if it hurts and grows... if it plants seeds that were never mine... and i am not the one who carries them... it was passed down... yogi is in dialogue with history... through conversations with ancestors... and in this moment... we get to shape the ancestry... to Be an ancestor... to be in conversation with a hundred years from now... a thousand... like Rumi...
...minder... matrimonial sites... places people seek Connection... may keep the spirit imprisoned... may construct 2 dimensional... i'd rather meet you in the 5 realms... in the 7 heavens... and my cards are told in tarot that sits in the bonfire spirits dance around... this is my profile... but you may seek degrees and income... career goals and capital landscapes... understandable... makes sense sis... makes sense... you have a right to seek security... grounding... all praise is due...
...my Truth seems to keep me from the mundane... and unlike the past... unlike during periods of activism... i no longer feel that my path is right... the way... but instead... a way that the One has placed me on... and may look different from your way... all praise is due for the paradox...
...rumi says what you seek is seeking you... i read a quote in a woman's profile recently about the way you see things... how it shapes what you see.. i heard a ted talk on awareness... that you are what you place your awarness on... i heard from t. robbins that if you think green... you will look for green and notice green wherever you are...
...this past week of darkness brought to fore the things that are consuming me... that sit like a furnace on my feet... keep me running... but even here... a hundred miles outside the city... i have to face me...
...the darkness is: what am i doing?... where are my kids?... where is the family?... what do i do now?... how do i get a place?... why am i still living with my folks...?... the darkness is knwoing the war and bombs and not feeling it at all... not enough to do anything...
...rumi says that the wound is the place where the Light enters You...
...to go deeper in the wound would require committing to the Work... of taking things seriously... take it serious... get serious my mother often tells me... approaching things with gravity requires commitment... being 100... 1000...
...this earth cycle i am fully committed to Working for You... being fully in the journey... with the destination in mind... the journey in being a medicine man...in doing this for You instead of for me... of fulfilling my worldly responsibilities with this... inshALLAH...
...the Work is being medicine... this means cleaning inside... is Working and Moving from this place of cleanse... of letting go of clutter... of things that i grab and hold onto that keep me from You... it means committing to the Work by fubmling forward... trying my best... i recognize one major part of this is a space... is having a space... that the space serves as healing for my ammu abbu bhaiyas family me... and those we serve... that it doesn't have to be perfect... and that things may go wrong... but commitment to space will mean commitment to place will allow for commitment to the writing, medicine, relationships... to building community through school... courses... will mean making medicine and being able to employ/support/collaborate ammu abbu others in collaboration... in meaningful work... inshALLAH...
...this earth cycle, i ask - what are my commitments? how does this fit it?... what am i doing to prioritize it... and when/if it doesn't... to move on... to be okay with letting go... saying no...
...this earth cycle... my commitments make it clear... make things more clear than foggy... as i can say no to what keeps me from You and yes to what will get me Closer to the Goals...
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