full moon sept 2018

...in the name of ALLAH... the Most Compassionate... the Most Merciful...

...have mercy...

...this full moon... alone... i am situated well in ritual... un-jarred by the absences and nostalgia of those who i was with last month, 2 months ago, last year, etc.... thanks to the teachings of the gurus, of the prophet, of the Way...

...ancient math keeps me steeped in You... close to 24 hours in a fast that will conclude tomorrow morning to complete the 36 hours that spans 3 days... the day before to the morning after...

...what i learned this month...?...

...28 days ago i was in ithaca, ny... i was living in a room in a house that held its own beauty in some ways... it was bit of a challenge to access people... and the people i lived with were post-cooperative... so human interaction was limited...

...someone next to me just cursed... the f word... it's common say... heard an interview w junot diaz earlier... he said it... reminded me of a talk i went to with him, in which he repeatedly used the word and a kid in the audience asked him why he cursed so much... he said it was an expression... i wonder if people are forgiven for their low frequencies when it's rationalized through sociology... through anthropology... it's still low frequency...

...being a vegan makes you more sensitive...

...got cursed out the other day... on friday eve, when d, steve, and t walked around, decided to crash a wedding... they didn't... i had to use the bathroom so i did... walked in... leaked... men in suits waited for me outside the bathroom... took me into the kitchen... dude cursed me out... threw me out... threatened to give me over to the d.t.'s...

...cuss words are common say... hold a frequency...

...cold today... so i could only imagine ithaca right now... last year... was there this time last year... breaking up... after porchfest... a few days after... consumed...

...alone at the moment... being choosy about choice, a ted talk said... i am alone in the way of not reaching for carrot sticks... not any old carrot sticks...

...back to last month... 28 days since the last full moon... for the last one i was w/yessi... we celebrated the moon with a dinner at the taughonok inn... a beautiful place... even if the food is just decent... atleast the vegan options were...

...what i realized about being in ithaca is that my outlets were thin... meaning... unless i had a car i was restricted to the town... and unless i had kids or a wife or both... i was restricted to navigating solo... and the community options were less... and that if i wanted to grow deeper in an area of interest like ashtanga and writing and bahagavad gita... i would have to work alone or initiate it... that there were less teachers of deep stature in these areas...

...upon returning to the city, i have been able to plug in to some height... the ashtanga classes i've taken here have already required me to step my game up and work through challenging poses in the primary... while still working on intermediate... the bhakti classes have placed me in a space of yogic community... which i have been seeking... more than just asana... the writers meetup has required me to work on my writing in a more serious way... and i know i haven't tapped into height here... but will... and these spaces have also led me to be in the space of community interaction...

...in regards to my intention from last month - to let go of control - i realized that control isn't always a bad thing... it is if u r being manipulative... and asking at evey juncture - what am i trying to control? - has led me to following this with how can i Be Self instead?... that is... if i am trying to control my posture, or breath, or time by reading and writing, etc... than how i can be tadasana, or prana, or jana-yogi instead?... that is Be it...

...i also learned that when you are working with too many tools, you are in danger of dropping all... and accomplishing nothing... thus, keeping it simple... like the years intention - what am i afraid of? and walking into it... is enough... perhaps coupled with one other thing...

...having these reminders be lived is essential... and a tool to ensure this is ti ritualize it... ask yourself at every juncture: how am i being single-minded in focus? what am i afraid of? what am i trying to control?...

...so what i learned is less is more...

...i also noticed that i was giving up some key rituals, like culinary arts... and i mean, i prep meals almost daily, but there's a difference between prepping meals and going in... and i miss this... art of this was that the yoga classes were taking up a good deal of time...

...i realized that as much opportunities there was to be in a space with others and learn together... it is real important for me to only work on and towards that which is in my Purpose and not deviate...

...so stay single-minded in focus...

...i also made close to no money this month, but spend a lot... and i did this partially out of belief that this job i'm waiting on will work out... but i also could've worked towards what i'd started in ithaca... building a client base... taking risks to do this... by having a 2-3 day operation...

...i also made close to no strides in the kit i decided to put everything into last winter solstice... and yet no progress... why?... i've been putting things off... until they could be right... and then today... i saw an ad from a friend of mine who has a beautiful herbal line and packaging... and is also a vegan... and also works several gigs and travels... and knew that it was just me half-stepping...

...so what will get me to change this month...based on last month... habituate the good and take out the bad... towards the end of accomplishing Purpose in clients, in kit... i.e. merging culinary with doing it in service... for others... so... doing it for others... taking risks... putting myself out there... i see... so this is it... habituate or vinyasa that which will actualize goals for you... i.e. make medicine daily... design journals daily... work on short stories daily... but then have this be part of a publishing... a public celebration... a public component... submit works, demo works, vend works, share herbal knowledge, etc... of holding office space for the public...

the habits that get weeded are sleeping late, being on the screen too long and too late, or too early... or just because... replacing defaulting with good - prepping foods and carrying with me so i don't have to add to more packaging and trashing of Mama... of carrying a book to read with me in addition to the journal i carry to write in... of carry a plate in addition the mug and utensils i carry... of sleeping early and waking early... 

...you attract what you believe...

...no half stepping... if you are in a space of second guess - that's the result you will get...

...have to leave comfort to do this... it's desire to stay in a space of what's familiar, what's comfortable, of putting off until everything is perfect and nothing will ever be that... and by the time you get to where you believe is perfect... the whole world has changed and what you have accomplished is no longer relevant...

...the world needs you and your talents and your offerings now... not tomorrow...

...this requires risks... this requires doing it... and working until you hit a wall... and then embracing that next step... and continuing till the next obstacle...

...how?... go with what you believe... with what you genuinely see as missing... if you see a hole with herbal toothpastes, as the brand, tom's did... then put out toothpaste that aligns with your values... if you feel people can benefit from journaling... then put out a journal with journal prompts... and support people in doing this... if you there is a lack of people caring for themselves... then ask what will help you and others care for themselves right now?... go with what you Know... and then move from there... and once you put it out... you will get the feedback you need...

...this could be about anything in any area... could be trying to find a spouse... and that dating apps don't offer meaningful opportunities for people of Soul to Connect... then what will?... could be that you are going the conventional route, instead of places you can have meaningful, spirit-based gatherings ... where you co-create...

...how will you do this?... start with one thing in each area of your life - Love life, food life, social life, money-life, art life...

...i.e. Love life - attend spirit based creative gatherings // food life // eat last meal by 7:30pm, sleep by 10pm // social life - construct meaningful dates with people in your life... so instead of doting, you are collaboratively working towards purpose... // money-life... what is your offering? what is the issue you see?... what's one thing you can do immediately that can benefit others? // what risk do you need to take to put your work out there... what's one piece of your art that you can put out today?...

...do it now... as it is not about you... but You...

...Be come Your goals...

...september... 2018... september marks new beginnings... for those of us permanently scarred by school... by the beginning of a school year... by the anxiety this would create... there were those who loved it... there are those that love it...

...new generations... old generations... and somehow we occupy space together... how?... just a few years ago you were complaining about your teachers and parents and adults and now you have entered into adulthood... entered into being seen as old by high schoolers... even past college... even past the age of proximity to youth... and you are conflicted between worlds...

...and that's just it... the fact that this is not it... that this is a realm is clarified through the occupation of multiple generations within the same time and space... you who are 7 and starting second grade are in the same earth as you who are 16 and starting junior year in high school, and you who are in your last year in college is in the same space as someone who is leaving there first significant job out of college... and you who are getting married for the first time at 29 are in the same planet as someone who is getting divorced after 21 years of marriage...

...and there are walls... parallel universes... generations consumed in their generation and traveling like a belt of asteroids past another generation... each of us consumed... each of us under a spell... atleast this is the case through college... and then it may last for a little while after... as you maintain relations with those you went to school with... and life happens... jobs, new people, more effort to maintain relations with friends from the past...

...life...

...back in nyc... have said that a dozen times in just the past few years...

...back and immersed in ashtanga... and goals are good a ted talker said... but it's important to focus on the habits that will get you there... a translation of the ancient math which says the journey of a 1000 steps begins with one step... and that the destination is in the journey...

...yogi code... yogi life means being fearless... early to bed early to rise... deep in practices - asanas, pranayamas, dharna, dhyna, kriyas, prayer, veganism..

...it is good to pray alone... better to pray in community... fast alone... but break fast in community...

...the wisdom of the lived example of the guru and Noor... muhammad (s.a.w)...

...this month's intention is to let go of control... and i'm understanding that not all control is bad... manipulation is... but controlling posture, food intake, etc., could be a good thing... and what i'm learning is to Be it... to Be that which you are seeking to control towards goodness... that is, if you are trying to control your posture... instead be tadasana... if you are trying to limit your eating... to prevent overeating... then be yogi...

...models... having an image of that which you wish to be helps... if you want to be someone who eats light, feels light, is humble, is compassionate, is fearless, is Purposeful, then consider someone who fits this image... who embodies this... for me... the persons who come to mind when i think of a true Lover: compassionate, fearless, urgent, patient, a worker, diligent, Loving, an artist, inspiring, in wonderment... is jesus and the prophet muhammad... they lived their Truth...

...my model for ashtanga and yogi are others who are doing it... who show up to the shala everyday... who are disciplined in their practice... who give it their all...

...as tiring as it is... it also feels good to become part of this community... if be proximity... and be inspired by their practice...

...i'd like to find this in veganism, traditional medicine... and in the path of Surrender...

...so build the habits to Be... then... in this space...

...love or dopamine?...

...and even though the moment past me by... even though... i stared... dreaming that it ended up different... that we're still together... that we are in a museum... at the met... after hours... for a special event in the egyptian wing... the way they would have parties for staff during christmas... the way they'd let us come in on mondays when the museum was closed...

...songs we loved played through the speakers of the galleries... like a soundtrack for a movie... like our moment was always on the brink of collapse and asencsion... a fear and trembling... and there was lift off... there were butterflies coming out of the paintings...

..we floated through the wings... through saturday and sunday... you coming over... staying for wine and breakfast... at the vegan diner in the town of homer... 2 hours away... cause i had a craving for tofu scramble and you knew of a place and had your car... whipping wind through the i-87... laughing the whole way... pulling over at the rest stop to get coffee... to stretch... the interlace... exchange d n a... exchange stars and cosmos...

...hearts beat hard over breakfast... the conversation of diners dissolved into the stuff of settings that Lovers walked obliviously through... we stared... deep... pauses...

...hopeless... i have always been hopelessly in Love... and when i think about it... when i really truthfully think about it... it was Always You...

...it was Always You i wanted to experience... and what is it about being Love with another that kindles that sense?... or is it a sensory organ?... this feeling of being in Love... of wanting someone... of anticipating them... of sharing in the lift-off?... is it a sensory organ all to itself...? ... like an ear or eyes or tongue or nose or skin... is there a sensory organ for falling in love?...

...what is that feeling?...

...when attempting to understand addiction... i learned about the reward pathway... about dopamine and serotonin... and neurotransmitters that activated these when certain behaviors were played out... but it wasn't just restricted to consuming the rewards, like black-forest cake... but the process of obtaining it...

...there is the anticipation phase... the giving into a desire to have a smoke... by seeking it out... by asking around... by making a trek to the weed spot... this portion sets off excitability... cultivates deep motivation... as the reward gets closer...

...and finally... the hit... the smoke... lasts 2 minutes... after a few hours of working for it - getting dressed, make calls, shooting texts, getting on the subway, getting to the spot, forgetting that you have no cash left, going to the nearest atm... scoring... getting the other ingredients - the cigar... emptying it out... going to the park... noticing others doing the same... getting into convo with them... after all... you are the company you keep... and you are what you eat... and if you eat bacon... you will meet and hang with others that do... as they will be in the bacon aisle or bacon stall at the farmers market... and you will attend the bacon donuts party... and you will soon be in a community of bacon-lovers... and then... finally... you take the hit... and you get high... but not as high as last time... and definitely not the high you used to get years back when you first started... so you smoke more... putting the entire contents of the 8th in... $50... up in smoke... and you hop on the train... high and giddy for a second... but then someone walks in without limbs and crawling on the ground with a pan... shaking change... and you get sad... and you notice the couple that gives them a dollar... and you think of your ex... how it didn't work out... how much you loved her... how it hurt... and how your man would get in the way of you... and maybe he just wanted to holler... and he probably did... and f him and her... and f these bitches out there... and...

...love may be part of the reward pathway... dopamine... the sense of reward may be affection you receive... touch... sex... the feel goodness... and what's wrong with that? you may ask... nothing if it's not a drug... noting wrong with weed if you are using it ceremonially... but on a daily... it's a drug... you still gotta deal with your reality... whatever it is.. and no one else can take that way...

...set up your formula for love... in the Work you do... and let this carry you through... as Work is worship (the prophet)...

...being of service to others through cooking... through farm fresh foods... through farm to table culinary dishes... through farm to table that is vegan... that is plant based... minimally processed... that is made with Love... you will then attract a community of others that are also vegan, farm to table based, chefs that are aligned with craft and humility, that abide with Spirit... and High Frequency... and sharing this with others will infect them with a similar desire to get lifted with High Frequency foods...

...being of service to others through yoga... through ashtanga... through the 8-fold path... through practicing it by yourself... through practicing it in community... through attending classes... teaching... sharing the art... hosting yogic gatherings around the full moon... around yogic foods... the reward you may seek is to get Higher... so you do more... so this time, in addition to lift off, you get into a handstand... this time both legs go behind your head... you have conversations with others who are working through these poses... you attend ashtanga gatherings... teach asthanga classes... provide therapy through yoga...

...the path you walk will attract others on it... so walk High... instead of seeking a hit... instead of seeking this from others... no one else give it to you... only You can...

...9.3.18.... take 5...

....in the midst of a tidal of heat at the end of a summer in the end of the world when martyrs with cardboard signs walk through subways with the message of jesus is coming soon.. and the deniers of climate change agree... this is the end of the world as we know it... i sang r.e.m... my eyes in rapid trepidation...and my skin sinking with her dreams... only to recall that it was too much... all of it... and that even in this last hour the best of things to do would be to spend time with those who brought peace... who showed up... who Loved so deep that i cried for others... that background music may actually be the surface that paves the ground before you... and what you are chasing is only possible because of those holding this space...

...i stopped chasing after rejectors.... after those who kept their doors closed... who told me to come over and forgot because they told ten others to come over... and i stood outside under pouring heat... scorched by a falling sun... and turning charcoal into cooly-dom... replicating the dna of my outcaste forefathers so abject in their beauty that they couldn't eat off the same plate as everyone else in the caste culture... until the advent of islam and the egalitarian concepts embedded in it...

...i left the shut doors shut... decided not to knock... but not before scrawling i Love You... peace be unto You... Always... and without a trace left confounding negligent Lovers who spoke of a man they once knew... described me to strangers on sidewalks in astoria... sat in the waiting room of the police dude in charge of sketch art... she posted my picture all over queens brooklyn and manhattan... if you see this man please call me immediately... my heart is on the brink of shatter and can only breathe again once he is resurfaced in the physical... 

...morning take 5... 9.2.18 ...

...ran through dreams to get here and never knew that it was not the space of Love i was looking for until i felt the hollow that my brother donated to the hospital on 68th and 1st ave... years back when he rejected the cancer that took over his lungs and spilled into the bucket next to our bed that we shared for 23 years...

...i knew about a girl who made whispers out of magic and gave them to you at the dawn of breath interlacing into legs panting... i tried to employ merlins spells with past lovers and found that true love is only in You... oh my...

...oh my is an expression i've been abbreviating from oh my god... transitioning into oh my goodness... and finding no rhyme or reason for either other than filler-isms...i found some significance in the truncated form and wondering if i should use my clippers to mow down the excess on my head and face and wondering what the appearance will gain me access to  - jobs?... obseessed with employment i wrote journals into a living documents of intentions that i took into space with a blow of my fingers, like each of these tap dancing pairs - pinkies, thumbs, ring...etc...  had a mouth that blew into each stroke on the keyboard soon as a word and phrase completed for completion into a truth and the only truth is that yesterday is gone and this morning is gone and i am writing.... and seeking to only spin me into longer days and nights with You...


...control...yesterday?... to control my life i grabbed it by the horns... and tossed it left and right until i grew so tired that i slept on top of the bull and let it roll me into the oblivio of cyberspace...

...incarcerated in a screen... i wrote to yoga clubs and scavenged for teachers of the written and moving word...

...the babel is a language of interference...

... returned... back... another end... another beginning... another not knowing... but Knowing...

...after the first series of starts and ends... you begin to notice a pattern... the anti-climactic-ness of these momentous occurrences - birthdays, graduations, sweet 16, turning 18, 21... 30 is a big one... finishing college... starting a yoga certification... completing it... going back to school for studying something different... meeting new folks... falling in love... a new relationship... the end of it... heartbreak... moping... moving on... someone else... at a dinner... dates... newness... this one is different... this is the real deal... never felt this way before... amazing chemistry... butterflies wear off... more irked than excited... desire diminishes... another end... another beginning... a new town... a new state... a new country... the end never ends.. the beginning ends as soon as it begins... moments...

...moments in this space ship...

...today... if the question were posed... how did you spend you day? how did you cherish this Gift?... what would you say?... how would you account for your time?...

...for me... today was a day of transition... after a day of driving... after a day of my back feeling the strain of 5 hours south and east...

...today... i wanted to map out the next stage... this next stage...

...what was accomplished in ithaca was knowing... being clear of this offering... of how it could help... and being back reminds me of how there is a lot of competition to differentiate your offering from others... and there are a million consumer products... for people like me.. these are in the form of intangibles... classes/education... an experience...

...the experience i want is to Connect... to Work... to gain Knowledge... to offer... to be of Service... to do the Work that is essential... as time is passing... as we Are passing... as generations are leaving this shell... as people find themselves in a flutter...

...those that appear to be doing what i do... what i Connect with are business outfits... are celebrity figures... are giants because the made a name for themselves... are a hodgepodge and not a discipline...

...hours of looking into these programs schedules and outfits... and i feel sleazed... more confused than before... back in the mode of consumer... avoiding what i have to do... what i already have before me for focusing on what i don't have...

...doing it different would be getting this offering out... with single-minded focus... and embracing every hurdle as a new opportunity... and investing accordingly...

...the hurdle in ashtanga - press ups... tic tocs... deep balances... kapotasana... leg behind my head... who offers this?...

...the hurdle in the Work is not having a team...

...be clear about the Work and then the team will happen... do what you can with what you have.. making medicine... getting the journals out... breathing... publishing...

...a friend once said if you want to meet someone then you have to place yourself in front of them...

...this could be applied to anything you want to get deeper with... be in a space of osmosis... you are the community you keep... place yourself amidst smokers and druggies and you will be a druggie... place yourself among giants and you will mimik them... take on their qualities... 

...so... what does this next stage hold?... to do the Work without expectation of anything... knowing the money... the job will be taken care of... doing the Work because it needs doing...

...the Work is not a name... not a title... not about establishing myself so i can be part of a circuit of speakers... these goals keep me in the babel... these intentions are driven by greed... by survival ideals... ALLAH is Infinite... ALLAH is Always...

...this is a passing... in this passing... what i have to offer is what can help us Connect deeper... beyond consumerism... beyond buying community... beyond just self-help... but towards getting away from shopping... Connecting deeper with each other... with members of family... with people you may already know... with yourSelf... through the path of yogi...

...you don't need to buy a thing... if i got a million dollars for doing the Work... i would... 

...Be-coming...

...i'll be coming down this mountain... into... back into... race... running... season... this is a season of life... to everything...

...i see this here... in her... in here... the passing phases of generations... of students and people and the love they share... the flirtation... the drinks... the generations after... the ones with some work... the ones who lingered... the generations before.. the ones who mark names from themselves with blatant movements to draw eyes and ears...  the generations after these... the ones who navigate being part of something... of figuring out how... of not getting it... of children that grow into adolescence...

...and as i return... as i re-enter this phase of Being... i no longer scratch my head and search a million job sites and sublets... because there is work to do... and i am here to do it... i am here to share the Gift that needs sharing...

...all praise is due... doing... doing the Work because it needs doing... and i will Be provided for because i know what it is that needs to be done...

...what i am afraid of is that i will forget... that i won't see the point in my offering... will think it is meaningless... will think priority... of things i have to do before... of putting it off... i will think i am not qualified... i will feel overwhelmed by trying to do it alone... i am afraid that i won't do it...

...how do i walk into the fear... by being clear that what i am doing is not about me... is about the Work... that the Work needs to be done... that it is important... that i let go of the fear of money and legitimacy and perfection by asking... by inviting... by doing it... as it needs doing...

...after i got back... i had a steady gig... i got the self-Love kit done and out there... i made the medicines and collaborated with artists on it... i met with you... i got the money to do it... it was a detox.. a reset... an elevation... it was the caterpillar, the chrysallis, and the butterfly... it was metamorphosis... i was interested in metamorphosis... and instead of being an entrepreneur, trying to figure out the business of things... i did... i Created... because it needed doing...

...single-minded focus got me there... and instead of trying to control it... instead of trying to get you to buy it... instead of trying to sell an idea... i asked ALLAH what is it that you want me to do with this past... with this path of yogi, writer, medicine man... and i've received the message that i Am supposed to share it with You to building yuj with each other... with yourSelf... with the earth... with Life... with the Here-After...

...this journal... and these medicines will keep you out of the hospital... will restore you... will support your ascension...

...i begin with what i have already... and then invite you to be part of a team...

...the Work is Surrender in the Infinite... this is Maya... and if you were to die and come back to this moment... how would you engage with it? what would you do differently?...

...i would make sure You Knew You Are Beautiful...

...i would laugh... bend boundaries... shape... inspired by the Knowing... the shift in weather... steamy to cool... fall crisp...