...You... i heard You in the subway where soccer plays play through panhandlers and poets secretly writing their days in their thoughts... home in the Lost...
...while i have u... u reader... u meaning... i guess i don't know... never knew... always was confused... always thought i would get to it when i was older... past older... past it... and here i am still aspiring... not looking back... not pausing... 1000 100000000 miles and running...
...and it hit me... it pounded... it rocked me like the rubble before guantanamo gaza attica... seeing the prison i'd known crumble to the ground... suddenly... and me... still standing... still here...
...so i reflect... so the moon... so the ancient teachings of the prophet muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him his antecedents and descendants and those who have been privileged with his teachings... all praise is due indeed)...
...5 times a day... i write about 5 times a day... aligning with the sun and planets... and surrendering to that which is Always... and if there is no grasp of this... no belief in this... Surrendering to the not knowing... to the resting of the ego... the upliftment of the heart... its amazing... this belief... this practice... that's the response people have... before i mention that these are not the ideas of an entrepreneur but the teachings of the prophet of islam... suddenly the horror, the repulsion, the disdain... all appear... rise like a fire... in their eyes... deep...
...peace to the men in beards and women in coverings... to their maintaining the Way even in the face of the harshest adversity... i aspire to be less infected by own ego/conceit...
...in the meantime... i continue to draw from one of the greatest appeals to me about islam... the paganism that is implicit... the reverence for the ayats (signs)... sun moon and planets... water and mountains and trees... camels and cocords and semen... if only you would think...
...this past month... hmmm... yes comes to mind... in terms of reflection... of true reflection... of honoring not the moments that are to come... or just now... but the path i've walked on... as she is a poet... and she revises... just shot her a text...
...so here it is... here i am...
...this past month what is most memorable is today... when i asked my mom why she was fasting today... she said it was for me... she was fasting for me... and then i recalled the night of the accident... this past month was another car accident... me in another accident... like a dangling participle... i walked out... car got shaken up a little... some work needs to be done... car's been at shop for 3 weeks now... they haven't done anything yet... i asked for a trade in... they offered me 1/3rd or 1/4th of what i paid... i observed that i didn't get worked up, that i didn't get excited... that i also noticed that when after we worked out a trade in, in which i would pay a difference... i didn't strongly pursue this as i should have... could have... and that led to the 2 weeks going by... i could say he avoided my calls, which he did... that he didn't take responsibility for what he said he would do, etc... and there is truth to all that... but i was also able to observe my own role in this - i was passive... part of me was relieved that i didn't have the car... i didn't call and follow up with him for a few days... that is, i participated... i contributed to making this happen... the accident as well... my brother had been telling me to change the wheels... i didn't... he even set up a situation with a friend... i prioritized a date instead...
...ammu has often told me to get serious... abbu has said more severely - this (life) - is not a joke... i see this in them... in their selfless service to community... to showing up... to giving... to us... to everything for us... including their complexion... including their marriage to have us so we would have it easier - lighter skinned... a bit taller... products of america...
...this past month i was to fumble forward towards my Purpose... i noticed again that this happens when there is circumstance as the sufi omar ali shah says... just as i am fumbling forward to get my car in repair... because the circumstance is there... due to an accident... what accident needs to happen for me to fumble forward towards manifesting Purpose...
...in reflecting... in being in a state of empty during my fast... i noticed... coming out of it... that i was repeating a pattern of moving with whatever... instead of going after what i really really wanted... i noticed this on a date... i was at an event... and i realized in contrast with another woman... that i was hanging with someone who i appreciated... but who i really wanted to hang with was someone else... how could i apply this lesson?... how do i really go after what i want...?... or is this an individualistic approach to the teachings of Spirituality...?...
...i also realized from what A n A were saying... that i barely approach things with gravity... with the type of gravity needed... how do i do this?... how do i apply the kind of depth and seriousness needed?...
...perhaps it's the accident... perhaps i need to apply the accident to this Reaching for me to take it seriously... to Really fumble forward... the accident is that...?... in the past i've consumed things thinking i would do something with it... herbs... journals... tea bags and glass jars... etc.. but the consumption only left greater stuff in my life... i did nothing with them... how do i do something with them?... what would have to have been different?... people... lives being at stake... meaning people being dependent on me to come through... i show up for my job... traveling 2-3-4-5 hours r/t just because i'm supposed to... because my supervisor requires this... what if i set up a situation where i had a boss... someone who required me to show up?... that there were high stakes behind this?...
...einstein says that you can't solve a problem with the same mind that gave you the problem... that is, in order to solve a problem, you have to become who you haven't been to do what you haven't done...
...who has done this already...?... who had done it in a way that has been deeply meaningful?... am i around them...
...people who are doing it... my cuzin with her make up art... kino and dylan with their yoga... not sri chinmoy or sadguru... not guru's that i've seen thus far... humble persons... hmza el din... zakir hussain... abbu... ammu...
...each of them sets up circumstances driven by a passion... abbu is pasisonate about what is happening in the world... about a more just union... about building a world and culture of fairness... he sets up meetings based on issues that are outrage... that require attention... he works with others in doing this... he shows up... ammu does this with cooking... with building community... she invites others than spends a week cooking for them... she is passionate in her craft - cooking... kino and dylan share their passion for yoga... they practice and share their practice... so others can do what they are doing... and they show them how... they show up for their practice then share it...
...what i can learn from them as a pattern - share your passion by believing in they why... why do you do this?... and to not just do it for yourself but to help others... to get them engaged in growing deeper in their path... fumble forward by getting serious... and serious from a place of belief... it is important... and go after it because it is really really what you want - to help others through inspiration... through Connecting with Self... and each other... community... Real community... because - the why - we are isolated - write to Connect with yourself but also with others... because you see the importance of what you write and you take it real serious... because others could benefit...
...this month... my intention is to fumble forward by taking myself and the offerings i have real serious... because i Really want to Love You... and for us to Be together...
...i do this through making yoga videos that will help you Connect and place us in community (i.e. full moon yoga... certain asanas...vinyasas, and zodiac...)... i do this through making medicine for people in my life and sharing with you how to do the same... i do this through the writings... getting them done... approaching them with gravity... and doing it in community... i do this through the Self Love... that will be in your hands in 2 weeks... because i want you to Love You and i want to Love You and for you to Love me...
...thus i ask myself - am i taking this seriously?... and do i really want this...?...
