...been dreading this day... for a while... for a long time... for the past couple of months... knew of its exstence... just as i know that this body will stop, this heart beat will collapse, stop playing its song... that whatever animated its movements will disappear... i... what i know as i will stop...
...what i learned this fall/winter in this Love... in this embrace of what has been the greatest Love story of my life is that to Love fully is to Surrender...
...the thought/s have been present with me for a while... that people get up and move somewhere entirely different, for a job, for an experience... to make new friends... to get a hold of the shiny new... but we hardly ever do this for Love... we hardly ever pick up and go, rearrange our lives for Love... why?...
...i did... i did these past few months... i let go of thinking of how income would come in, of what my next steps in life would be, of where i will live in a month... of how i will make it without a job... of my parents dream for a house and grandkids... i focused all my attention on her, on us... on growing deeper in Love, in our Love, in Surrendering to my heart-Soul, putting in Work in hanging out, listening, anticipating, participating, rearranging... everything based on her, on us, the way some people may do for a job - staying late at work, suddenly having to cancel social events, family obligations, life priorities, for the demands of a job... i did this for Love... for Us... Working around the clock, finding Ways to be more Giving, more Kind... greater in my Unconditional...
...Love is a practice... a moment to moment... an art... messy... the artistic process is... these words... how they come into existence from the stroke of this keybord... of how words appear on paper from the movement of a hand...
...in the name of ALLAH...
...i noticed the line between heaven and hell... of greed and compassion... of the Utmost vs the self... in watching myself... in seeing how honest i could be... we finally had the talk and it was seamless... Known... as i imagined it might be...
...today i am falling apart... wondering where my seams are, wondering if i was already torn apart... if i ever was together... if i'll make it through this... i guess i'm not thinking about anyone else... about just moving onto the next... i Know... felt the Knowing with her... and saw how possible it was/is through Honoring... through letting go of distractions...
...i can for once say i Know what it means to Love from a place of pureness, of Innocence, of Depth, of what can BE... and i guess whether it repeats or not is unimportant... what is important is to Honor... to Respect the moment... to Give it my All... whether it's reciprocated or not is unimportant... the most important thing at all times is to try... to Reach... to give it my all... to Love not to get something back, not to hold anyone to anything, but to Give... Knowing just as a few months will run its course, so will a few years... so will decades... and the only thing we have control over is to Grow deeper in You... in Your infinite Mercy, Compassion...
...what does it mean?... what does any of it mean?... i guess the only thing that i can see/grasp is art... that it's an artisitc moment... an opportunity to Create... to shape... to make something... to go deeper in Your yoga... writings... cooking... Unconditionalness...
...a series of days in wonder... pulled myself from the cayuga, under a bed of algae, floating on east shore in a coffin of ice, i cracked onto the rocks at your footsteps, watching you watch the sunset in a shiver, looking through blue skies for a sea, for a body of water that wouldn't end, that could be an us, an infinite...
...a series of letters that came together in a bundle of tears i bottled and dropped a dropper full of eucalyptus, for your Love i pushed my cancered car up a hill on the black ice of cayuga heights to see you, to hold you, to be with you, only to be with you... i kept my phone on airplane every second i was with you and every second we were apart i kept it close, the ringer on, fear and trembling at each chord of text that played possibility, that revealed a wanting...
...walked on the tracks of the n train, along the sliver of side that construction workers laid flat on in a line of suicide and watched us walk by, howling about purpose and a pointless that resonated with our walk everywhere without a point... and none of this is saying anything... none of this means... the way words that are obvious... that speak, that break into clear sentences, ideas and moments... i never could do that... i never knew how to speak or write or get it together and fit a culture of hip or hop, of rock or metal, of punk or new wave... always wnated to, always knocked, sometimes my knucles led, sometimes i sat at the foot of the dooer, just off to the side, so no one would see i was waiting to be let in, to be in, to be part of, until i was cool with not being cool, with not being apart of any of it, with being a blotch of alien appartioning in search, like a hamlet searching for meaning and missing the sucide train, having to deal with growing old in a new world that made no sense and never did...
...i don't get time... i don't get this... i don't get why buses pass and come... and i get to watch and see myself in the m60, the same bus i took a hundred times except i'm not in it, exceopt it's not hours ago when i took it or days or months or years ago, but now and that now is gone and i am back trying to be present and feeling pulled into the bottom of a river... the same one... the only one i've really known... not knowing it connected to an ocean... not knowing that ocean slid onto a beach just a few miles away... i just knew the beach was where women with bikini's laid on the sand and laid in the shadows of me who lurked and lured with accidents and stumblings and i wanted no part of it...
...i believed that something would happen... some day... somewhere... maybe...
....in the name of...
..doesn't make sense... and maybe it's not supposed to... but what do you do in the meantime... ?... how do you continue?...
...in the past it is when my hands birthed language... letters... the audience of You... for You... and i guess that's the allure of this Love thing... to get to Know You... be with You... Connect with You... cause in that Connect of indecipherable, there is You... the unKnown... it is You... and somehow it manifests through these Spirits that we encounter... Spirits whose eyes and faces continue to haunts us long after they are gone... who tip toe around us... who we tip toe around...
...in the name of... in the breath of...
...move forward in ritual... in Honor... in Honoring... in Giving... in Loving... in Love...
...move forward through vinyasa and breath... in writing and cooking... in Work and livelihood... in the artistic process...
