ramadhan 2016

lessons.

 the fiend arises. takes the language of addicts as scripture and rewrites essence.

 what is the essence of ramadhan?

 to grow beyond human salvation in salivary glands, to let go of that which holds us in bondage - the senses and the monkey-mind these sensory organs attach to and the mind that attaches to them. the ego, the one that has multi-million senses invested in this.

the senses lie. they speak with saliva dripping out of eyes and nose, and mouth, and ears...lemme hear that song again, the one from the new radio head, the one which reminds me of pain, that spirals me into melancholy...that one...want to feel that again...

...dopamine rushes forth from the mind of the senses every time i listen, but then i gotta deal with the aftermath - spiritual lethargy, desiring ice cream and a new netflix series to binge on,  desiring covers and blankets and warmth cause my stomach is hollow with the flutter of carcass...

...aftermath...

...there is the post-reward...the post-dopamine, just had that gluten free brownie that was just as bad as the wheat one, but the packaging looked like earth, and organic was pasted all over, and...chomp, chomp...

...the senses, lie...

...watch them....watch and take notice...watch them come, watch them go...watch, without acting...watch and notice what else is coming up...

...this is what's been coming up for me - at a gathering yesterday, herbs-people, medicine-folk, made treats with mint leaves and chamomile, and lemon balm, and burdock, and licorice...someone made a chocolate cake with herbs, coconut oil, cacao; another made a pie...the items were fine...but it was the consumption, mine. broke fast with a table-spoon - as if a table spoon would make up for having fasted all day, as if i had to have as large a scoop as possible, even after i'd fasted all day. you would think, all that discipline of the day could be exercised in portion size. in having a small bite and really appreciating and enjoying that morsel...then having another, smelling it this time, and then another, feeling the textures this time...but no...table-spoon, followed by another heap, and all the time thinking of the next, and the pie...

...why? what is it that you are looking to feed? one of my teachers asked me today, when i told her.

...feeding the starvation, feeding the free food gene, feeding the poor kid with mites on his head and dust on his face, inside the castle (snick in), a prince's feast...

...poverty mentality...poor...need to eat as much as possible now before it's too late, cause it's free...and gotta eat fast, faster, so i could go on to the next, cause time is running out on the wheel of fortune....

...the witness has been speaking to me the pauper, the one that forgets Essence, forgets ALLAH is greater than this moment, than this sensation of desire, by gluttony...

...important to pause, to acknowledge the feeling, to avoid shutting it down, or repressing it...let it surface...watch it...question it...explore it...but then breathe and let go...let it go...don't get trapped in it...it's just a moment of a lower self that surfaces because of something unresolved...the whole answer may take a while...so witness, acknowledge, explore, and let go, getting deeper each time...

...what is it that i am seeking to feed? this sense of deprivation, of not, of feeling i can't and so i want to, of seeing myself as marginal, and moving accordingly...

...instead, i smell, touch, take a morsel, a sliver, and taste, swish the lassi in my mouth, like i had all the time in the world, i savor, and hear a voice that watches others indulge in gluttony, and think i need to get mine before it's too late, before there is no more, that i should grab and get away and stuff, and do it knowing that i really shouldn't, but it'll feel so good, tell myself it'll feel so good...and i watch these thoughts, and breathe, and explore the question, what/who is it that i am trying to feed, and why?

...and that's what it is...it is a who, a persona, a character i've constructed and have taken on - poor, brown, other, dirty, foreign, alien, marginal...this character does to get away with...binges, experiences the world vicariously instead of playing in it...

...the Lover plays, flirts with the world, is in it, present and feeling, and crying, and laughing, and nodding, and living and being present, and praying, and Knowing this is brief, and in the meantime, being fearless, and purposeful...walking towards purpose even if he doesn't get there, the meaning is in the journey...the Lover is alive, by fully engaging in life, quivering, going past boundaries that are uncomfortable, reading, turning the lights off, being honest, even if it hurts...transparent...naked...this is who i AM...