full moon, march 31st 2018: cultivating urgency

...what does it mean to operate from a place of urgency? what is urgent to you?

...last summer i got into a car crash...was living in farm country outside ithaca, ny... just a few days into this new residence... there was no public transport where i was, except a bus half a mile away, that temperamentally ran once every 4-6 hours, meaning twice a day... and so... i needed a way to transport...so getting a vehicle became urgent... and it took over my life...

...i spent the next few days researching cars, responding to ads on craiglists, and realized, from where i was at, i needed a car to look at other cars...so i went back to nyc, as i could be a pedestrian and look... and got a car... and it was a lemon...  i was then met with the urgency of getting it fixed... and found out it wasn't repairable... and this led to more car related urgency...

...when do you find yourself experiencing urgency? for me, it is during times of pressure, of external pressures, of needing to get something done because or else... like paying rent... or finding a place to keep my things while my housing situation stabilizes, or mending things with a friend, family member after having an injurious quarrel, one that leaves my heart hurt and heavy, and needing resolve...

...what are the ingredients of urgency?... there is an or else about it... i need to do this or else... i.e. pay the bills, resolve a conflict with a loved one, get a car or be stranded, put a bandaid on my bleeding finger or be drained of blood, complete a class, or get an F and lose the $$$ i spent on it... what other ingredients are there? high stakes... if i didn't get the car replaced/repaired, i would be stuck in the boonies with a couple of strangers, without phone service and outside communication... i would get infected and have to go to the hospital and pay thousands because i don't have insurance... i would lose all the money i spent on that class, and drop out... etc... what else to urgency?... circumstantial ... i didn't choose the car situation... it happened to me... and i was left with no choice but to act on it... my finger was sliced by the razor sharpness of the knife i was using, and the bleeding intense... i already paid for the class, had deadlines, was reprimanded by professors, did poorly on a couple assignments, and had little wiggle room to mess up... i kept my feelings in, and then it came out in the way it did, and the impact made our relation fragile, and i needed to do something to reconcile or risk losing you... the rent would double if i didn't pay it by...

...so the ingredients to urgency are: do it or else (consequence), and these consequences are high stakes, causing great pressure, and are a result of a un expected circumstance...

...how do you create urgency towards your Purpose?... afterall, there are things, passion projects, aspirations you have, but they aren't getting done... why?... perhaps you are missing the circumstance that will create the high stakes pressure to work like mad towards it or else...

...perhaps you aren't working on this aspiration because what you are doing isn't real urgent... how do you determine what is urgent for your Purpose?...

...the test, i believe, is this - dystopian-ism plays a role ...if you knew that everything was going to end for you in this human form in one lunar month... between now and the next full moon... in the next 28... and you knew that there was something you could do to leave the world a little better than you found it (and that is based on my understanding of the words of prophets and prophecy -that our Purpose is to compassionately and fearlessly serve the Creation)... what would that something be?

...for me... the offering i have... that is most important... that is more important than my name, and leaving a name behind... but is essential to help humanity... is to support us in really, truly, meaningfully, being interdependent, being community, from a place of Love, and not a place of othering... of moving past nationalisms, and separation, and hedonism, and over-attachment to sensation and the sensory world, and instead ground deeply in roots culture, which is inherently universal, and beyond race, and nationality, and identity politics, and otherizing, and instead exercising the inner compass of spirituality and Love from a place of discipline, of beyond feel-goodness of a moment, one that is aligned with Laws of the Universe, that grows us towards our individual Purpose only towards growing deeper in our commitments to one another... of being in a state of Love... more than complacency... more than finding the easy way... but finding ease in the struggle towards greatness, towards possibility, of going deeper... much deeper...

...ashtanga does this for me... but what would make it urgent for me? writing does this for me... but what would make it urgent?... cooking does this for me, but what would make it urgent? ... being a medicine man does this for me... but what would make it urgent?... being a Lover does this for me, but what would make it urgent?...

...the Lover is the totem i most identify with - the one who is playful, unconditional in Love, acknowledging, listening, deeply present and working from a place of pure devotion, of working diligently, of being in service, in a place of collaboration because community is everything...

...so play with ashtanga in a space of community... being vulnerable, allowing yourself to fall, while working towards the growth... taking community classes...

...cook with others for supporting an end to war, to ending the war on earth, on water, on the sky, on ourselves, on each other... through cooking from high vibrations - non-ego, in collaboration with farmers, and mothers, and respecting the land...

...write in collaboration, in dialogue, towards communication with community... through writing in a space of community - a magazine that upholds community, earth, religion and spirituality... publish to have dialogue... use your pseudonym/s to avoid ego... cultivate this kit because it is collaborative, community, towards the deeper goal...

...make medicine together... to heal, to be interdependent, to be liberated from the death-pitals... to support self Love, to move away from technocrats... and personalities...

...flirt with your projects, with those around you, be playful, present, keep the stakes high through being honest, open, trying, reaching higher... open to falling, to giving, to transparency... to non-attachment...

...man down...

...wrong place... you're in the wrong place... that's what the corner said when hap and i walked through the bridge... i kept my head down... knew they were right... knew a stare could mean the emergency room, like billy in my face when i was 9, cracking my head open, raw, his knuckles harder than brass from fighting his burly drunk pops who came home steaming gasolina, jealous, and pissed, flipping the plate of of arroz con pollo that his wife took pains to make... then tossing utensils at her... before billy came in... and billy didn't stop there... took it out on the streets... even on sticky fingers who you didn't even need to look at to piss off... his cinnamon face crimsoned like cayenne, like the barrel of a .9mm from a blast...sticky fingers usually came from  behind, the swing of his hand disguised by the length of his arms that flew off his arm socket like a whip, his fingers landing like hot knives on the back of your neck, followed by a wicked heckle and the wallet in your back front sock pocket missing...

...f*^k you looking at son?... i heard, as my eyes dragged over black gum, candy wrapper, foam plates of half eaten chinese food, empty cigar tobacco... i kept it pushing... but hap's head was cocked, looking... he was liquored up, kicked out of his house, ready to die, living with his pregnant chick, and her mom, who lived a block down in the laybyrinth of the north side... hap was from the west side of the bridge... and the two sides had beef...

...you think you hard?... you built like that...?... one of them said... i was walking by myself at this point... hap paused, his timberland's rooted... stood looking at them... under the street lamp, lights like broadway, a shakespearan duel, tybalt and mercutio - sir do you suck your thumb at me - haps india ebony chiseled with lines so dark, tears ran rivulets... his hands inconspicuously behind him, one reaching for the roaster he called excalibur... pulled on like a young arthur...

... i turned back... walked right in between them... placed my palms together... namaste pressed into my heart in salam... took my winter russian fur hat off, revealing thinning silky waves, eyes looking between the 20 something, in the met's fitted cap, his team inching towards us...

...we are worth more... i said... looking between hap and dude... as if they were the only ones there... closed my eyes in meditation... the way i learned from years of sitting in the last car of the r train 2 hours each way... to get to work at the afterschool program in bayridge...

...my meditation didn't rearrange the energy, but kept me from catching the whip of sticky fingers and the brass knuckles of billy on my face, as i heard the hand of dude clench, the sss sounds of his downcoat as his arm swung back, the oncoming swing hiss, like a northeasterly, in the opposite direction of winter...

...and the cry of pride as his fist came in inches from my face, cut through air, and his arm of pride wrap around him like a one armed hug that revealed his large back when i finally opened my eyes... and with all that this path of yogi has taught me, i swung into a vinyasa of kicks...

...man down...

...ante up...

...without the poker face...with the courage of a poker player to heighten the risk, knowing the stakes are already high...and taking it higher...but...can you do it so you are taken Higher...how can you and i ante up for the Higher?... towards Higher... the route of base emotions, sensory wants are easy enough to ante up on... but would it be ante-ing up if you ate grabbing for that extra bunch of walnuts and raisins? spending an extra hour hidden in a cafe?...

...in some ways...violence, like putting your cards down, in poker, does require an ante up...as there is risk...one that may cost you your life...but where is it coming from?... ante up! m.o.p told us in the early 2000's... go get that fool...ante up...kidnap that fool...

...but, again, the question is...where is the ante up coming from? a place of ego? a place of shame, un-resolved anger, grief?...

...ante up...

...what would it mean to ante up towards your Purpose? what is your Purpose? to serve Life...all beings... humans, trees, birds, bees, fish...water, air, earth... to serve from your talent, your particular gift... the one that is unique to you...

...how do you know what your gift is? it appears to us in the form of hurt, of a wound, so we can't forget it, so that it will haunt us until we do something with it... so that when you do unpack it, it will change everything...

...gandhi was hurt about how he was treated as a second class citizen, how others around him were, and as a man of deep spiritual practice, tapped into vedic teachings of universal love to channel his truth into compassionate activism...

...malcolm also rose from a place of hurt, and learned to channel his hurt through speaking about it, to acknowledging how crazy it was, how it was wrong... he spoke about it through the lens of history, deeply grounding in the history of humans to arrive at his understandings, which he then shared publicly...

...my hurt has been being invisible...being absent from television, movies, what is seen... my hurt has been witnessing the permanent 3rd class citizenship of my parents, for being immigrants, accents,  brown, muslim, broke, struggling, and somehow being amazing in their resourcefulness... my hurt has been from being on the margins of standards, of having to be an audience to babylonics... of...being rejected over and over from jobs, schools, cool-kid parties... and taking this in, believing it, believing i was wrong for being poor, looking poor, being indian, being bangli, being of immigrance, being thin, being weak, being academically marginal... and this rejection has led me to keep my distance, keep people at a distance, distrust intimacy, trust that it will end, that it will fail... believe that the job won't work out... to not count on friends, other than to count on them to not count on them...

...and what this hurt of rejection, of silencing has propelled in me is a deeper path to embrace what is Real... more Real than the temporary, then transient relations...to embrace my own lineage of yogi, of going into ancestry, delving... to delve deep into ancient mathematics to understand that whether others show up or not, you, i, can show up for ourselves, and showing up means living the way you wish to see the world - through Love... instead of pride and ego... whether you invite or don't invite me... i might ask you about it... i will still give you Love... and be vulnerable... i will go deeper in my asana and meditation and fresh plant food preparations... in keeping a clean vessel for this spirit... i guess my rejection has led me to find anchors to sustain me, even when know one else does... and to use these anchors to grow deeper in my self-less Love, through Loving my-Self the way i wish to be loved, and Loving others the way i wish to be loved... you are invited... to Love yourself... and if you are like me... if you feel this pain... a hollowness inside... ante up your gift...

...take your gift to the next level... by embracing it... share it... do it from a place of Real and not marketing... and it will resonate...

...ante up in Purpose means to Love and do like tmmrw is the last...

...the goal in the present...

...the bus...a vehicle of transport...as she says...ideas/people in your life...can be a vehicle of transport...move...movement forward...i'm not sure if i'm moving forward...i think i'm spiraling...sometimes in ascension...sometimes into an abyss, sometimes horizontally, bumping into those around me...bumping sometimes with my past, shoving my future into states of nebulousness, clouds of grays like factory smoke that i puff sometimes from a stogie, and watch time become a storm...

...all praise is due for this opp to grow... afterall, at the surface of every moment is a fork, is a set of choices...and what i want to tell you is that you are important...no one can replace you...and breathe...deep...so deep that you are wandering into One...ness...

...the plan to dissolve is to be in the space of aligning...one with One...of connecting in every step...to create...you are not alone...you are all around you...you are everywhere...tap into yourself and Know...you...afterall...already Know...

...work my way into the dream of the return...and this means being deeper in Love...being soft in my gaze...penetrating in my Quiet...traceless in my deeds...giving...as ALLAH is Infinite...

...Love the way you wish to be Loved...Love...the One-ness, the Most Compassionate...the Source of Peace will set you free...

...give without a second thought...give without an expectation...

...ground in your rituals...payer...movement...vegeterianism...community...meditation...what else is part of your rituals...?...

...the ted talk from yesterday said to align your goals with your habits...that is habituate your goal...

...my goal is to see a more loving world...greater love between people and beings...all beings...water and plant and air and rock life...

...so how? how does this happen?...through dedicated practice...through the steps...what are the steps...?...

...i realize that this path of yogi/medicine man is central in my life...i practice daily...a non-negotiable...yet it is a deeply Quiet practice...no one knows until they see me...they wonder about my physique...what kind of exercise i do....wonder about my demeanor...why i'm non-confrontrational, responsive vs reactive...all of it is personal...but i believe...i know it can help you...how can i help you...?...

...i love cooking and preparing foods...of combining ingredients that support digestion, excel potential, ascend you into 7 heavens - vegan/vegetarian...but what is my goal? how does this fit into my larger goal?...

...perhaps my Real goal is living Peace...living a dynamic peace...leaping off the cliff of babylon into that which is Always...

...living Peace through self Love...leading into Self Love...and for me...writing like a "madman my sanity is going like an hourglass..."... is a habit... but towards what goal?...

...and in these habits i've cultivated through almost seamless ritual, i ground in Always, stay above water and sometimes soar... and i realize...in doing so, that i've been preparing for this journey...that i've arrived in destination every step of the Way...by being in health, all praise is due... and being mostly compassionate...

...but what would be the leap...where is my cliff...?... i see it in my ashtanga practice, as going deeper into back bends, hip openers, hand stands towards intermediate series... i see it in my cooking...through deeper attention to aesthetics in prepping roots foods... i see it in my writing... to use greater craft... grow deeper in incorporating exercises to explore poetics...to grow in the combination of words to deliver a story... maybe...that's it...to tell stories... and in my bodywork...to go deeper in working with anatomy and physiology... to understand the pain...and where it is released...and how...and where it meets with nadis and chakras and how i know cause i Already Know... and with medicine...with the herbs... i know that the vinyasa has to grow deeper... the sequence has to be clear and regimented...

...the goal of peace...to grow towards a world of greater peace then is to share the culture i've been cultivating in myself in a way of collaboration with others... this is a collaboration... and in my individual pursuit... it is to be a medicine man... to ensure your health of body, spirit, mind... so you are in a space of self-Love...

...the only way to grow deeper in something is to do it...to practice...to be consistent...to be a Lover... to grow deeper in being a Lover by listening... without judgement... by giving...without expecting... by working... by doing from a place of vulnerability and Love... and being my Self... fearless... Loving... honest ... present... listening... honoring... giving... decisive... working with worship...

...nothing was enough...

...this is usually the sentiment of the modern human being...the one looking through a hundred jeans...and if u r like me...it's at the salvo, or at a thrift/vintage shop...and there may be a slight euphoria, momentary, after trying it out...after imagining the friend/s event/s...audience...you will wear it for, in front of...in performance...applause like electricity goes through your body...and then you come home, try it out again...feel sick... after looking at your closet...noticing how you have no space, noticing how you have jeans in every color... several in the same are peeking out of the crevices of your drawers, hangers, luggage... and you think maybe i should get rid of one...but then feel suddenly overwhelmed, as each goes with some outfit for the imaginary audience, for the spectacle... and then desire for the fix to fix the fix of shopping creeps in - a long island, a newport, porn, nicotine, sex, chocolate, sneakers, a netflix binge, fried eggs with cheese and gluten free toast dripping with butter...

...one fix leads to another, and another leads to another...so long as you keep looking to fulfill the beast of sensory burst, you are constantly on to the next, as the king of material and sensory lust, jay z, tells us... and we, his/their attentive audience, celebrate him/them... this... their words repeated in our tongues and approved by the shorties at the party who agree with our theatre of mimicry... enhancing our access to the fix of approval...

...approval and acceptance are after all what we are seeking... and potentially require, as humans who occupy ego... a sense of self...

...the constant cycle of spectacle and spectator is broken in the surrender to that which is neither nor, always and never...the space buddha referred to as equanimity, that jesus referred to as Love, that the prophet muhammad referred to as the 1ness, that krsna revealed to arjuna as atman (individual soul) connecting with brahma (universal soul)...

...can we do this and still maintain individuality? recognition? approval?...

...i don't know...i imagine it's a risk to truly be yourself...i imagine that the ones who are live in the margins of the spectacle, neither detected nor seen...and every so often, their lives become so undeniable, they appear in the spot light - gandhi...jesus...malcolm...che...

...ultimately...i imagine...it's a question of what it means to be yourself...what does it mean to be your self? to be you? for me, in the past, it meant having long hair, having clothes that no one else was rocking, having the right strut in walk and speech...

...ALLAH - time and space - has taught me that nothing in this material world is forever... your favorite jeans will tear, your skin will fold, your neighborhood will turn over, trends will come in and go out, so out that you will go from limelight to outcaste, brahmin to dalit...

...through this wisdom...gautama buddha gave us the technique of meditation...the prophet gave us the anchors of being a yogi while a householder, through diet, fasting, connecting (salat) 5 times a day, and doing good deeds - serving all beings... may all beings be happy, buddhist meditation asks, yogis repeat...

...so this is for me...this is for me to remind you - myself to be yourself - to find joy - to learn that joy can be conflated for pleasure if you are undiscerning, if you are operating from fix... that True Joy is something that grows you deeper in a Love Supreme - in your relationship to your maker - to the die before you die, that the prophet tells us of...

...what does it mean for me to be my-Self? it means to share these tools i've learned...as my mom does with her cooking...to live what i believe, and what i believe being grounded in You...to give of mySelf, to do my best... to be self-less, to breathe deep, to be honest, to be vulnerable, to work in/for what i believe like i knew the line of death was tomorrow, at dawn...

...what i believe is that all beings - humans and non-humans - plants, marine-life, land-life, air-life, rock-life - are all part of the 1ness - me - you - and you - and you... in believing this, i believe that i want to be respected, to be loved, to be cherished, to feel dignity, to feel worth, to be touched and cared for, nourished...and this happens with great balance - as cherishing someone may mean showering them with gifts...but if those gifts meant the torture and decimation of forests, of ecosystems for cash-crops, of elephants for ivory, etc...then i am being partial, being individualistic...
so it takes discipline...it takes work...more than just a feeling and jumping on that feeling...but work...

...been working at a vegan cafe in which i am the only one who actually has a plant based diet, where the entire management and owners are meat-eaters, in which employees are violated... on the one hand, the market of people like me, who desire plant-based, organic, earth-respecting foods...is served...on the other hand...at what cost?... with what intention?...

...align your beliefs with your work...and do it with focus, and let your focus drive you... let it be a mantra that you are completely in Surrender to, as the 1ness is the Ultimate Truth...