...more than semantics... shed, take on, become...

...made it through the wilderness... somehow i made it through... madonna tells us... in her song, like a virgin... just for the very 1st time...

...what would it be like to do things for the very first time...?... if you knew what you wanted... how would you go about it if you were someone you admired... were inspired by... if you were You... true Self?...

...this is indeed a wilderness... thickets of noise... of babel... towers of babel frantically vandalizing the skyline... trying to get Close...

... the Truth is on the ground... those close to the Earth... the arif-ullah's - those who Know You...

...they are Close... getting Closer... connect with Your cosmos through what you have provided... through Quietness... without running on a treadmill... being busy... too busy... always without time... without enough time... and not knowing why...

...the treadmill... get off it... get off now...

... a million ideas... a million products... they all sound good... real good... but then get old... quick... onto the next... and you can brush your shoulders off like that makes you cool - saying on to the next - swagging in your disposable approach to life - priding yourself on being a commodifier, a single-use plastic bottle water drinker... on to the next...

...i see past your cool... cause it's me... cause i do that... have these surges of a million ideas... of what would be hot... but then i take Your prescriptions... bow the monkey mind... bow like ibrahim's only son before the guillotine... align...

...pass your cool... and your institutions... your towers of babel... want to no part in upholding your pillars of babel... even as i breathe your air, drink your water, live in your architectured sensibility...

...pass... i pass... but just barely... not knowing how to succeed at this... nor how to actualize what it is i Am... but keep listening for advice... keep asking... and keep hearing that i should do this and that... that i should market myself... that the only way for others to interface with me is for me to make myself known...

...i don't know anymore... i'm clear on one thing... gotta do it different... something's gotta give...

...if you know what you want... and even if you don't... you have to transform the you that doesn't know into one who does Know and follows through... walks the path whole-heartedly towards the Knowing... towards the what they want... and they why is clear...

...who knew what they wanted that you admire?... who knew and followed through...100 with it?...

...isabelle allended quit her job as a magazine writer, and wrote and published her first novel at the age of 40...

...gandhi quit being a lawyer to work for peace, to share peace with those in positions of power, to share this Way with others... to do this towards liberation of self...

...malcolm left prison with clarity of purpose...to be a preacher... to speak against the evils of colonialism, and eurocentrism, to organize the black community to be self-dependent, independent of the establishment, to do this through being disciplined in diet, prayer, self-defense, and economics... he shared his ideas with all... actively doing speaking engagements, and actively recruiting people into this movement, by establishing mosques throughout the country...

...che became a revolutionary after leaving medical school and going on a cross-continental trip of latin america... awakened by the turmoil he witnessed... he joined a group that was committed to seeing a new day... without thinking of a paycheck, or subsistence, him and the other cadre worked tirelessly and fearlessly towards liberation...

...who do you respect deeply? what about them? how did they actualize their Purpose? what is their story? legacy?

...what about you is keeping you from actualizing Your True Purpose? how do you shed it...?... how do you feed that which is already in ALLAH-ment?...

...how do you take on and metamorphosize into that which you haven't been but need to become to do what you haven't done, but need to do, to actualize Puropose...?...

...are you putting in the work...?... everything... all growth... requires work... Work... Work, as the prophet of this path of Surrender to the Source of Peace (islam)... reminds us... is worship...

june 2018 full moon

...do it different... that's what comes to me... cause the same is a chicken without a head...

...different not meaning new... not meaning discard... not meaning get a new outfit... but meaning do it right... do it in a Way that gets me Closer...

...different... in the Way of Life, Love, Liberation... theology...

...this past month...my intention was to collaboratarize (do u like this word?)... the areas of my life i'd like to Work in.. the one that will sustain me in heart, mind, and economy...

...this past month...i didn't collaborate in the way i hoped... at all... or maybe i did...

...was consumed in ramadhan... was deep in the Love of cleanse... of growing humble in community... in attending iftars, in being a witness to the body, in listening and paying attention to the experience, the lessons it afforded - you can fall in Love with ALLAH through Connecting in a meaningful Way with the Creation - humans, kindred species, water life, rock life, air life... the meaningfulness happens through doing Work that needs to be done, versus settling for jobs that distance you further... and the Connection is guaranteed to happen if You Work meaningfully with Purpose... as ALLAH sustains those who take steps towards away from ego and towards Self... as Ramadhan teaches the participant - 21 hours with food and water for 30 days in the heat, while working... and you are still alive - cause Essence got Your back... cause You took the steps...

...the collaboration in Ramadhan happened through the institutional pillars in place - we ALL fasted together - a billion of us... due to the prescriptions passed down from generation to generation...

...i would like to be in a space of co- of co-operation, co-laboration, of co-conspiring with Your Purpose... and yet i am making medicine on my own, cooking on my own or for someone... asana-ing on my own... doing bodywork for the boss... so how do i be in this village community?...

...do it different... completely different... completely different from how i have done it before...overhaul the models of pattern, of circles, to get to the spirals... overhaul and do it different...

...list your goals, aspirations, etc., in the past 10 years, and how you've been going about it... and then re-haul... revisualize... write it out... a plan... do it different... do it completely different... and walk it... walk deep in it...

...and in this path... in this birth after returning to Self in rahma - the womb - in this rebirthing - rewrite the character you find yourSelf in... so that You Are in ALLAHment

...post ramadhan...

...lessons... are they learned... left...

...left the gig i was in most recently... felt bad...was feeling like i shouldn't... perhaps i could've been more transparent from before... wasn't sure which way to go... didn't have a plan... so i let him know... even though i let him know for a while that it was a challenge working for such little pay...

...i spose i could've hustled more... i could've taken his lead on building client relations... but that would all be on my time... that is without pay... he wanted and expected much to be done without pay... and i wanted a paycheck... subsistence... an exchange for the True and genuine Work  i was putting forth...

...this has been the thing... i'm bout the Work... love doing it... do it with Passion... do it like i mean it... but putting it into a business form... that hasn't been my thing... and everyone and everything keeps pushing in that direction...

...what's the resistance...?... would rather spend my time doing the art... focusing on the bodywork and treatments... and making medicine... and doing the yoga therapy...

...but this is a new age... and planning is important...

...i Connect most when i have an excuse to speak with You... and it is meaningful... and it is based on an Us... an All of us... not a me and my brown-ness... me and my bangla-ness... me and my yogi-heritage.. versus you... versus them... i Know now that identity politics is a space os separation is designed to perpetuate an us based on a them... is used to cultivate blankets...

...you can keep yours... your blanket... especially if it has the smallpox of identity segregationisms... other-isms... centrisms... keep it... i'm warm... the himalayan shawl i wear was made by the same mountain that the One designed in the rockies... kindred...

...i Connect with You through this kit... this offering of herbs, blank pages... and an opportunity to explore you and me in a space of Love... Real Deep... and my clients are those who need touch... who need to be held... who need to get it out...

...so this is the Work i do... and i do it in a space of One... of la illaha illala...

...no One but One... the One is Infinite... there is Work to be done... Work from a place of walking into the mouth of fear... walking straight past the tanks you have created against Your-Self... embrace the challenge...

...do so because there is Work to be done... the Work will Connect You... if you let it... if You operate from a place of Surrender... to bring Glory to Glory... to bring Glory to the One... all praise is due...

...recite: i bear witness that there is no One but One... and the guru muhammad is my Guide...

...Connect... through the Creation... by doing the Work that needs to be done (countering isolationism, loneliness, self-hate, individualism)... from a place of ALLAH-ment... in a place of Surrender... just as you Surrendered to Ramadhan... defaulting on ALLAH...

...Connect...

...meaningful Connection is that which is driven by Inspiration... what in spires You...?...

... i Am inspired by people who are fearless... who try... who who are humble... who get up and try again... who do so from a place of self-lessness... i Am inspired by those who put a 100 into their craft...

...what is your craft?... how much do you put into it?...

...my craft is writing like a lunatic... full moon daily... my craft is twisting my body into poems in asana... my craft is rewriting the earth's stories in meals that nourish my soul... my craft is listening to you... to speaking with you... to touching your pain and transforming it into it's original state of dream... my craft is making songs that leave you reaching your arms through herbs...

...and this happens through my life... what is your advice to the future?... my life... gandhi-ji said...

rahmadhan 2018 reflections part ii

...money... cash rules... not everything... but a lot...

...in babylon... cash = money... power... respect..

...in my ancient math... the formulas i got from abbu... ammu... dada = love... giving... working... self-lessness... prayer... feeding... raising a family ... doing right by family... being diligent... purposeful... respecting elders... to everything there is a season...

...all this rules everything about us...

...did the math... the two don't add up ... growing up i was challenged by arithmetic ... mostly understood addition subtraction multiplication and division ... didn't get algebra... basics... but i understand now that there are variables...

...this is a case of variables...

...been trying to wrap my head around actualizing Purpose without the variable of making money out of it since i can remember...

...i worked for free... so jobs with a salary worked, cause i didn't have to think about extra time put in... wasn't counting the countless hours put in... or where my paycheck was coming from ... since it was a salaried position... and instead just focused on the work...

...it's a paper game... one of the homies once said...

...paper and i were like peace and the ameri-con spread of democracy...

...has me scratching my head... don't get it... what does democracy have to do with exterminating other people, looting their oil and resources... telling us they are a threat?...

...didn't get how me doing massage, make herbal medicinals, cooking medicinal foods... teaching the sacred science of yoga... healing work... can be exchanged for paper ... how do i ask?...

...so... i learned this rahmadhan, at the maosque on 96th... in the midst of bowing down to surrender, after sundown, after mint tea and dates and fruits... 3 days before the end of rahmadhan 2018... that i feel most in al Salam... when my head is bowed... when it is touching ground... like the son of ibrahim... like a lamb ready for the guillotine... like a castaway seeing land for first time in months...

...and feeling this peace... i realized that it came from being in Surrender... in giving up my ego... if only for a few seconds...

...and this made me think about the past 26 days of rahmadhan...  about the 20-21 hour days of no water no food, and the 2-3 hours of daily yoga practice... of doing bodywork for upto 4 hours in a row sometimes... and how... even in the most challenging of moments... i came out okay... and more than okay... my body was shedding toxins... was being humbled... was getting clean... as i was inspired (surah jonah) to do this for You... for getting Closer...

...so then... if there is Work to be done... and i mean Work... more than jobs... and that Work, based on the teachings of the prophet... is worship... then based on my path of medicine man... what was Work that i needed to do... to be of Service to the homeostasis of One-ness...?... and how do i subsist off of it???...

...what i learned is this... that the Work needs to be done... and that in doing it... in remaining completely focused and in Surrender... everything else will get done... and just like in rahmadhan... the Work happens through declutter... through focus... through rituals that sustain the Work (iftar/suhoor)... through rituals that grow the Work (reading the Recitation)... through community that enhances, sustains, and nourishes the Work (breaking fast in community, praying in community, etc.)

...how does this look for you?...

...for me... the self-Love kit with the herbal blends... this is what i decided to embrace with uncertainty this earth cycle... and for my sun cycle... i put forth the intention of uprooting that which i am complacent in... to take out the weeds of comfort in order to grow, to reach, to learn...

...what is comfort for you? ... it is appearances... it is staying hidden... it is being seen in a certain way... it is being at my parents place... it is being close to friends and family... it is having someone in my life as a goto... it is doing things my way... being in control... it is doing this by avoiding what i need to do...

...what is disconcerting for you?... for me... for me it is commitments; it is doing one thing; it is dealing with that which is in front of me; ... it is decluttering... it is taking risks... it is being seen falling... it is falling... taking the next step like in my writings... in my yoga... in my healing work... in my medicines...

...if the Work needs to be done... if it will grow Love on our earth... in our galaxy... in inter-ancestral.... inter-cosmic conversation... then do it... now ... without fear... take the risks... make mistakes... do it with right intention... move from the inner compass... and keep going... 

ramadhan 2018 reflections

...all praise is due... this ramadhan... lessons... the math... the mathematics that are so ingrained in the science... that the number 9...

...rahmadhan - rahma - al rahman, al rahim - the Most Compassionate, the Most Merciful...

...both sharing the root word - rahma - the womb ...

...rahmadhan - the month of revelation and prophecy - is when the prophet returned to the womb - days and days in meditation, in a cave - until - recite! ....

...rahmadhan - the 9th month of the lunar calendar... the marking of time and space in this path of Surrender to the Source of Peace...

...before the mudra of withdrawal from senses... i put forth the intention - i want to fall in Love with ALLAH... and... that... in returning to a space of emptiness... to release... to let go... to declutter excesses

...within the first week... it became a question - how do i fall in Love with You?...

...within the course of the subsequent week... it became clear... when do i fall Most in LOve?...

...it's when i Surrender... when i bow my head... when i spend more than whispered prayers on the ground... and keep my head low and my heart High...

...i feel Most in Love in salat  - in Connection - and i feel this Most when i am connecting with people, sharing genuine laughter, tears, seeing people i love and care about, and meeting new people from a space of curiosity... open-ness, Love... humility...

...the answer made itself clear - i fall in Love with You... through You... through all that You naturally Are - the Creation - Your Creation - other beings - including tree life, and rock life, and water life...

...i learned that i feel and Am in Love with You... when i create - when i am writing... when i create from a place of Essence, without audience...

...and this led to another revelation - that when i create from a space of pure humility, without attempting to control... i enter a space of effortless effort... of my pen moving without my mind... and characters, space and time... worlds develop, grow, harvest...

...some years back a character came out of me that i realized now... a decade later... that i never created... as i was in a space of meditation... of effortless effort... and that this character, i realized i didn't create... has come up to Guide me... has been sent to Guide me in the path of You...

...and what brought this up and confirmed it was surah jonah and al hud... that those who seek Guidance do so and are guided in the path of the Way... for the good of their own Soul... and this Guidance... is defined a sentence later as inspiration... as what we are inspired by - in spire is to breathe deep... that which allows pure pranic flow... thus it negates the inspiration to do bad, to hurt, to show off, to draw attention to self, to blow ego... instead... it is from that space of Love... of pure emptiness... and what better way to be inspired than in a space of rahma - of rahmadhan - of pure emptiness - withdrawal from senses to Work...

...the lessons this month are to Connect with others in deep and meaningful ways... to do this through being Guided by inspiration - that which inspires me to Create from a place of Quietness - to make room to do this by decluttering and doing self-less service to community - through Work - that is... and this was the other big takeaway -

...there is work that i want to do... that you want to do... and then there is work that needs to get done - opening up an apothecary with cool herbs and all is something i sometimes imagine - but that;s about me not You... and then there is Work that needs to be done... like speaking to mosques about eschewing the use of single- use disposable items, and instead requiring adherents and those coming for iftar to bring their own mugs and utensils... this way our ocean and land and kindred species and future generations and past generations are not desecrated...

...so how do i use what i've learned and love doing - herbs, bodywork, food as medicine/veganism, yoga/i, writing, and adha-ing (hanging out) - to do the work that needs to be done?...