... deep... it all is... changing... changes... with or without me or you... and yet who is missed?... who do you miss? whose absence is felt...?... why? how...
...last month i put forth the intention for doing it different of changing the storyline... of looking at scripture... of the teachings of isa, of the prophet of ALLAH, of krsna... of the ancient math of neither kill nor be killed to come to the conclusion that i was in anthesis to the very heart of the teaching - being in a state of worship, as that is what we are here to do... and that happens through work and sharing that Work...
...i have not been sharing my work, not making money, not making a livelihood, not building a family, not growing homeostasis in the world... not not not... and you know this... and excuses... and me knowing i'm saying a mantra in the negative... me knowing this... knew from the wisdom of the prophets, that i needed to do it different... question is... did i?...
...did i do it different?...
...lets see: got a car... i almost did it the same... i almost got the first car i saw... it was higher than my budget, but i went through the usual steps of working out a deal, which wasn't much of one... and because the bargaining element occurred, and because the car looked nice-ish from the outside, and because i was tired, and didn't want to keep looking, i almost bought the car. but this time, i placed some stipulations - the car had a tire-pressure symbol. asked that this be fixed. he finally said he wouldn't do it, and by this time, i had some time for pause and reflection, noticed my pattern, and did it different. thanked him and walked away. yet the same situation presented itself a few times in the same week. and when i was faced with deadline - with no more time - i got desperate, and almost went ahead and purchased a car from some dudes who lied about their name, about their relation to the car they were selling, about the title, about who they bought the car from... and even after everyone i shared the story with said i made the right choice, i was still considering them... because i was getting tired of looking or didn't want to keep looking, thought it was a good deal, and we struck a bargain, and it was the kind of car i wanted, with a seemingly low-milage. but, in moments of pause, i considered ALLAH Being Infinite, and that if this isn't it... i was putting a lot of emphasis in repeating the kind of world i'd want to see transformed... that is, if my value is to honor truth and honesty, and vulnerability, and goodness, my consumer habit was doing the opposite - i would be valuing dishonesty, negativity, and all that, in my action... all these were thought patterns... that led to my ultimate purchase from a dealer that seemed a bit more trustworthy, had a bit more of an honest business... etc... i would've done it more differently if i wrote down what my needs were, and creating a contract with him, in writing to ensure this. even though we didn't need it, it would've been doing different, and helpful, and preventive.
...i said yes to a job... which i got the car for... and although i feel it is too much wear and tear and time... i also decided to embrace the education i am getting through taking this job on and learning a new model of pedagogy... and instead of signing my life away and thinking in this way of 5 years from now, i am embracing the moment of it... while keeping focused on my deeper path...
...i drew lines with my teacher... in regards to being asked to do a great deal more than i signed up for... and instead of being resentful and holding it in... i just told her...
...but there is a lot i have done the same... i have been sleeping in the sliver... i took on a job without really considering it this is what i want... i am doing yoga in a way that is rote at times... and alone... and without the sharing component... i have not placed myself in a situation that requires my path to grow as a medicine man while making a livelihood from , but instead making little safe connections, like philly... without offering a clear plan... a clear offering... a what...
...this month...
...problems... getting pinchamyurasana-padmasana vinyasa, and titbasana vinyasa - a, b, c - why is this a problem? i need it to complete intermediate series...
...problems... house for us - twds guest house/ yoga/ancient medicine retreat... why? it's always been a dream of the family... and became a pipe dream of family... and it's flickering... and it will help towards working towards the school/retreat center that can shape the world for better... and it will create deeper purpose and meaningful Work for us... twds self-sustainability...
...problems... teaching ayu a n p... i don't know it enough... i need to Know it to teach this class... just that... Know it... students spent good money on it... they want to have a meaningful experience... and i don't know it well enough...
...problems... traveling so much and being in car for many hours in a day... it feels stagnant energetically... it feels paralyzing - nothing else to do... etc....
...problems... all this knowledge in yoga, massage, nutrition, ayurveda, and not helping others to heal... why is it a problem... i spent precious years of this Gift to study and learn and there are many who could benefit from it... and all i have been thinking is either keeping it real (by not seeling it) or the opposite - product and currency and in the process not doing anything with it...
...problems... got all these herbs... got the art... prompts... and no self Love kit... i came up with it through convo with others, because i saw it as a need... i heard the self hate... in my self and others... and saw it as an opp to marry my Love of writing with herbs... build a course out of it... that can build community space... not as a brand... but as a way for people to share space in delving deeper within...
...how do i transform my problems into opportunities? by delegating, by effortless effort, by building and putting systems in place... by not doing more... by being more meaningful... by being in a circumstance... as i was with getting the car, and with teaching this course...
...transform my problems through using a pedagogical plan - naming the problem, naming the rudimentary i need towards minimizing the problem, i.e. for titbasana vinyasa - float from downward dog into bhujapindasa... for ayurvedic herbs... know the karmas... or how to refer to karmas... know the marmas, or how to tap into community space to go together...
...transform the problem by doing it different - creating a problem-based learning plan - involving community/others - building a team out of it... going together instead of alone...
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