...one thing a day that will grow You...

...if you could do one thing a day that would radically change your life for the better, that whould increase You... that would draw You Closer... what would that Be?...

...perspective may help... what do You want to Reach?... what are Your Goals....?... Goals that are not about you but legacy... about You... about the contribution to enhance Creation...?...

...i hear for some it's basic things... exercise... eat healthier... eat less... sleep more... read more... and these may seem selfish... but i guess its a matter of intention... if you do these things and you are a better person because of it... it will help others...

...but then there are seemingly healthy activities that may be selfish... for instance me doing asana for 3 hours a day... that's great if it's helping others but if it's not... if it is only about me being able to put my legs behind my head... good... but how is this helping others...?... it can help if it is used for inspiration to inspire others to Reach Higher... to Connect... to grow deep within... so they can grow deeper in karma yoga... in healing through yoga... in breath...

...and for me... my legacy is the community... the village... the interfaith ecovillage steeped in the ancient teachings of community... manhood womanhood... Love... family/ies... art... worship... land... ecosystems...

...what can i do every day towards this end...? perhaps working on the school... perhaps it starts with a course... perhaps talking about it with others... perhaps having asana as a course in this direction...

...i can be community... be village... daily?... how?... i could work on one course a little bit each day... i could work on herb walking a little bit each day... i could read a little bit each day... i could work on my writing a little bit each day...  i could offer my medicine a little bit each day... i could do donation based services with this medicine each day... 

...longest day under the sun...nyc... 2019...

...i imagine i am simone de beauvoir... in a cafe... in astoria... reflecting on this experience of existence in a city... a hub of migration... cultural collision... explosion into new being...

...that's what cities like nyc are... a big bang... as black and white as we like to view america... the bronx... the boro that birthed hip hop was a cosmopolitan complex of puerto rican... black american... jamaican... italian... greek... irish... many occupying poverty... and none an island unto themselves... this birthed graffiti, breakdance, freestyle... etc...

...big bangs... it's easier to think from ego... from founder complex... i came up with this... but truth is no one person is an island... these dots before my name came from skats in nusrat fateh ali khan songs... where he gets lost in the language of ALLAH and realizes that there are no words to contain Divinity... these dots come from the words of the recitation (al Qur'an)... which says: ALLAH has no beginning nor end... so no i didn't just come up with it in a vacuum... although a younger me would beat my chest about fathering a style... being the first... others my sons... others imitating... me borrowing this from the rebel not revolutionary culture of chest beating hip hop... components of which get glossed over in academic romanticisms that fail to mention the capitalism gone wild thread that runs through part of it...

...so no... not the first... no there were others... there is a dialogue...

...what do i need to burn...?... what am i not Being that Being would leave me in the place of Truth...?...

...to reach your dreams you have to become who you haven't been... so what would it mean to Be the person who reaches this?...

...dream - village ashram dynamic generations old world culture... humble new world culture... respect... respectful... honoring of elders... elder led... youthful... children running around... something like the 12 tribes... but grounded in yoga... in yuj... grounded in family... building family... building familialness... in sharing space... laughter... meditation... yoga... prayer... Work... dinners... commitment...

...Be... the kind of person who does this starts holding ceremony for communal movement... discipline... shared... sacred... like shivananda... but with a family component... with a village layer... who grows so deep in his craft that he is in a space of sharing... how?... 

...summer solstice question... what do i need to burn?... what will replace it...?... at the number 9...

...summer solstice...2019....

...all praise due... shift... there's a shift happening... how does this change things?... does it change things... what does summer mean to you?...

...summer - parks, play, outdoors, run around, bbq's, birthday - mine and bro's... baltimore... upstate... summer is hot, humid, torrid, a/c's on blast, people's temperature goes up in the city... more street harassment, more people wearing less... more desire... lust... appetite for... idk... would it be destruction...?...

...got off the phone w my boss... she seems to be a beautiful spirit... she has created a beautiful space... that respects and honors... and yet... i'm leaving i told her... why?... why?... this is not about me... she said... this is about the work... she's right...

...it was like being in a relationship in which i wasn't sure if i was going to stay or not... and kind of considered leaving... but not being clear with the other party... and relationships are built through time and space so there is love that happens... that grows... and then the person who doesn't know what you were thinking finds out and is surprised... even though you are not... because they didn't know... but you'd been thinking about it... taking steps towards it... fester up... be real...

...when i started i thought the drive thing was a lot... but when a car mechanic told me to get used to it... i thought how true that was... that i'd been out of a committed workforce for a while and that it might take a moment for me to acclimate... that... like the relationships i was in for the past 7 years... i was in contractual situations... that weren't very committed... signing a contract seems to make sense... i think this is what i'll suggest to her... my boss... have people sign contracts... after all... she is a small company... and needs to ensure that her team is a right fit... a genuine investment that will pay off...

...nothing to rationalize... and the weight of her grief is real and i am responsible and i need to take ownership and also look to see how i could make amends...

...what does it mean that these past two major rites of passage have been informed by heartache?... eid and abbu... and today... before leaving the apt... finding myself putting up walls with ammu... of feeling violated again... in that same way... of being told what to do... whether i should stay home or go out... and why i shouldn't... and feeling those moments of earlier life... when i felt barred... caged... controlled.... contained...

...of course... in being in a state of Awareness... i see the beauty she and he derive from... their control only being an extension of being in that role... and seasons changing and not being able to play that role again with grandkids... as Witness i breathe and feel compassion for what is informing their sentiment... and also i feel compassion for that child that grew up in this clash of cultures and feels stymied by it... feels torn...

...extending this compassion to self in wanting to hold down a job... wanting to do right by family and manhood... but also recognizing the right thing to do... that compassion means seeing self in others and if i were the boss i'd want to hire people that will stay that would be an investment... and that not feeling like she is wasting time and money and resources... and finding this to be the case...

...what does this mean?... for me to embrace this new season of my life... a new season that burns the old... that which has held me back from You... and that has hurt you and you and you... 

...full moon: strawberry: june 2019: in the name of ALLAH...

...i begin with this implicit in my breath... that which moves my tongue... locates my fingers on this keyboard - in the name of the breadth of.. from the Source of ALLAH...

...the Most Compassionate... the Most Merciful... as was ammu... your mother... and mine... when you were in the womb... when you were in darkness... building into being...

...rahma-dan... 9... relocated into the ultimate lesson... for me at its conclusion... wounds... selfishness... deep seated selfishness...

...last full moon... the intention was written bt pages... in my journal... been going deep in handwriting... using my hand as an ekg instrument for these thoughts... reflections... to making meaning... last full moon was the sow moon... the corn moon... when corn is planted... asked myself what it is i want to plant... and i am reminded of the question this begs - what is it that i want to reap?... 

...Light of Rahmadhan... i wanted to Know how to use the falling in Love of ALLAH... and the message was implicit in the question... to serve... to Love Me is to Love My Creation... and to Love Creation means to Connect... and to Connect means to surrender and serve in humility...

...and i learned that... and this => to share --> to share and do the Work without seeking the fruits of my labor... as krsna reminded me in my form as arjuna...

...but then it happened... that rahmadhan was going smooth and i was running from one iftar to another.. and looking to Connect without Work... without herbs or bodywork or yoga to share... but only driven by social aspirations... to be in community... and then it happened... ALLAH reminded me of my selfishness as it culminated into the last day... the day of celebration... commemoration... eid ul fitr... i blasted into chaos... into fury... into deep constructed border walls that saw you as separate and when you tried to impinge on my territory... tell me how i should dress... act... i detonated...

...its been consistent... the blow up... every few years... all the hurt the unresolved inner conversations disdain judgement grips my stomach like a virus and surges out of my body like drunken vomit, shooting like confetti... all over the place... and that's what i did... i hurt him... i was tire of being a man child of being told how to dress, of living like a kid as a man well into my 3rd childhood... and of course these thoughts i espouse were bricks, layers of them... walls much grander than the one trump proposes, longer than the ones obama silently put up on the border with mexico... and here i was behind these border walls, rallying paranoia for anything i perceived as a threat to my "freedom"...

...but as soon as it happened... and partially while it did... i saw myself... witnessed the mad man i'd become... the lashing out... the hurt i whipped with words... sharper than any physical object... everyday words that became debate louder and more vitriolic than cuss words...

...and it occurred to me... in the aftermath... that it was the Gift i'd been asking for... when the dust settled... and i stormed out... i was the casualty of my own war... and i saw the wound... the open gash that needed to be nourished if it would heal... if it would ever regenerate...

...so i realized and promised myself that i would embrace this wound... do the Work necessary... and in light of the teachings of prophets... this will happen through service... through sacrifice... sacrifice face/reputation to share... be vulnerable in the sharing... transparent in the process... so that you know... this is where i'm at... even if it is not who i am... sacrifice my sense of time... to share with you this medicine that comes from the wound... that helps to transform the trauma... otherwise i do what i have done for way too long - go into hiding - find a corner within myself within my room and do my yoga in a shadow... and its helping... and has helped... but not in a way that is as transformative as when it is shared... which allows me to see you as me and share and worship... 

...full moon on paper...

...sometimes there are paper moons... they remind us of our two-dimensionality... they take us into a page that gets written by our steps... our steps are every movement or not, as recorded by time in the space we are in...

... at the moment... i am in a cafe... the same one i've been coming to for years... have seen dynasties rise and collapse... and i Am still here... until i am also a ghost lurking in the backyard, doing asana...

...the measurement of my story is the time that runs, and that my fingers struggle to beat, to out race... just like my feet often do... just as my eyes do... beating rapidly, exposing exposes of a life of man-child-istics...

...in the name of ALLAH... the Most Compassionate... the Most Merciful...

...all praise is Always due...

...on paper i appear to be crazy... all over the place... seemingly stable for the first 20 years and change and then a combustion... a flight... the space changes and the time in each space becomes fractional... until i am fractionated palm oil... saturated with munchies spots and hang outs in bottles that i thought had the message...

...this blog keeps me committed to Self... although i doubt anyone reads this... i wonder if it would only keep you in a state of confusion... there were thanks i'd get, early on... when i had an audience in mind... i let go of that... let go of you...

...i am back in america... americanistics... my american god i trust as much as i trust a god tethered to any nation...

...all praise is due to the prophet muhammad for erasing lines and borders... for reminding us that nationality is grounded in true borders set forth by spirit...

...this full moon... based on this emergence from the womb... which i've learned is traumatic... coming into the world... this full moon... share... me... as i am... reaching for Self... as i navigate asthanga tertiary... a house towards ashram community... mama need a house... as i hold space for this medicine of yoga and herbs and bodywork... going public...