...all praise due... shift... there's a shift happening... how does this change things?... does it change things... what does summer mean to you?...
...summer - parks, play, outdoors, run around, bbq's, birthday - mine and bro's... baltimore... upstate... summer is hot, humid, torrid, a/c's on blast, people's temperature goes up in the city... more street harassment, more people wearing less... more desire... lust... appetite for... idk... would it be destruction...?...
...got off the phone w my boss... she seems to be a beautiful spirit... she has created a beautiful space... that respects and honors... and yet... i'm leaving i told her... why?... why?... this is not about me... she said... this is about the work... she's right...
...it was like being in a relationship in which i wasn't sure if i was going to stay or not... and kind of considered leaving... but not being clear with the other party... and relationships are built through time and space so there is love that happens... that grows... and then the person who doesn't know what you were thinking finds out and is surprised... even though you are not... because they didn't know... but you'd been thinking about it... taking steps towards it... fester up... be real...
...when i started i thought the drive thing was a lot... but when a car mechanic told me to get used to it... i thought how true that was... that i'd been out of a committed workforce for a while and that it might take a moment for me to acclimate... that... like the relationships i was in for the past 7 years... i was in contractual situations... that weren't very committed... signing a contract seems to make sense... i think this is what i'll suggest to her... my boss... have people sign contracts... after all... she is a small company... and needs to ensure that her team is a right fit... a genuine investment that will pay off...
...nothing to rationalize... and the weight of her grief is real and i am responsible and i need to take ownership and also look to see how i could make amends...
...what does it mean that these past two major rites of passage have been informed by heartache?... eid and abbu... and today... before leaving the apt... finding myself putting up walls with ammu... of feeling violated again... in that same way... of being told what to do... whether i should stay home or go out... and why i shouldn't... and feeling those moments of earlier life... when i felt barred... caged... controlled.... contained...
...of course... in being in a state of Awareness... i see the beauty she and he derive from... their control only being an extension of being in that role... and seasons changing and not being able to play that role again with grandkids... as Witness i breathe and feel compassion for what is informing their sentiment... and also i feel compassion for that child that grew up in this clash of cultures and feels stymied by it... feels torn...
...extending this compassion to self in wanting to hold down a job... wanting to do right by family and manhood... but also recognizing the right thing to do... that compassion means seeing self in others and if i were the boss i'd want to hire people that will stay that would be an investment... and that not feeling like she is wasting time and money and resources... and finding this to be the case...
...what does this mean?... for me to embrace this new season of my life... a new season that burns the old... that which has held me back from You... and that has hurt you and you and you...
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