...the Knowing is in the togetherness... 10.31.21...

 ...in the name of the Most High... whoever that is for you... and if it's a hit of molly drained in a cup of joe with some microdoses of shrooms... i don't know... that's all i have to say... i get it... but i don't think that will get you there... to the Most High... but i get you brother... sister... 

...we're all trying... i think... to Reach... to get Higher... to Connect... isn't that why we speak to ourselves... some out loud... some in our heads... speaking to someone else there... who?... isn't that why we meet with friends, lovers, family, ask them if they are upto anything that night, to get a bite, to take a walk, to do something together...???.... 

...even if we decide to stay home, often times it is to zonk into a netflix series... 10 episodes in and still not satiated, not wanting it to be over... taking the characters with us into our sleep... wondering what they would do if they were in your shoes... 

...we are Seeking Connection, the desire to be together... to leave the alone-ness... it is in Knowing each other that we come to Know You... to Love... to be in Love... to learn Your Way... and it is ultimately You we want to be with... 

...but then why resonance with some and not others...??... why are we attracted to some people and not others?... why do we find some attractive and others unattractive or not attractive enough?... why do we desire certain body types and accents, and cultures, and phenotypes, and backgrounds, and the list goes on... why?... perhaps it is to feel safe... to confide... to grow in union in a way that embodies that ecstasy... afterall not all wine is the same... some like chardonnay more than they do shiraz or cab... why?... why do we have tastes?... 

...resonance... the echo of Connection, Connectivity, of Reaching a High that the taste of one can give vs another... and in the process perhaps getting just a little bit Closer... 

...not a moments rest... without you... and maybe it's You... 10.29.21...

 there was another of those winds that day, those winds that carry newspapers that flap like a raven, dark and ominous - headlines of wars and 49 dead in a car bomb and a suicide bomber walking into a marketplace and 9 stabbed to death in a hair salon. i was walking past the ghosts from last night, across the bridge, falling to my knees halfway over, not caring that cornel and ithaca college students looked through the windows of their subaru's and prius', in wonder, if i was just another of the towns addicts who openly banged their head on the ground to split their skull like it was a trend. i didn't bother correcting them, didn't nod when they snapped pictures for instagram or facebook or tic toc or an essay or party favor. i was wrecked in our voices from the night before, me inviting you over, you saying you had to meet with your employer, us standing in silence, watching the waves, as drizzles flattened your hair. it was clear that i was withdrawn then, defeated by the saboteur that lurked in me like the dead in the house i lived in. we could've kissed, held hands, fallen in love, drunken like the emptied bottles that lined my ex's room. 

i should goto sleep. i should meditate. i should change. i should learn to transmute, to Love unconditionally, to be more in this world... somehow i missed the boat on earth... been swimming through the galaxy with music in me blaring looking for you, looking to go across the universe with you and forgetting that i'm here, in a place where houses get bought and sold and rent is due at the end of every month and everything costs and dreams are related to money

but i'm told, i realize, over and over, that it's only You that i'm really longing for... that this hurt, this hollow, this desire is only to be with You, and the forms and spirits i encounter, the desire to make Love only comes from this desire to experience You... it is the closest i get... i've gotten and very little can replace this... most of the people i know these days are falling into barrels of alcohol, of cigarettes and sex with strangers, with date after date from daring apps, like a swivel door that they run through... 

...maybe they are looking too, for You... then there is Love, the desire to fall and be in Love and i wonder if this is different, this addiction to being in Love, to wanting to be so enmeshed in someone else that nothing and no one else matters...