...not a moments rest... without you... and maybe it's You... 10.29.21...

 there was another of those winds that day, those winds that carry newspapers that flap like a raven, dark and ominous - headlines of wars and 49 dead in a car bomb and a suicide bomber walking into a marketplace and 9 stabbed to death in a hair salon. i was walking past the ghosts from last night, across the bridge, falling to my knees halfway over, not caring that cornel and ithaca college students looked through the windows of their subaru's and prius', in wonder, if i was just another of the towns addicts who openly banged their head on the ground to split their skull like it was a trend. i didn't bother correcting them, didn't nod when they snapped pictures for instagram or facebook or tic toc or an essay or party favor. i was wrecked in our voices from the night before, me inviting you over, you saying you had to meet with your employer, us standing in silence, watching the waves, as drizzles flattened your hair. it was clear that i was withdrawn then, defeated by the saboteur that lurked in me like the dead in the house i lived in. we could've kissed, held hands, fallen in love, drunken like the emptied bottles that lined my ex's room. 

i should goto sleep. i should meditate. i should change. i should learn to transmute, to Love unconditionally, to be more in this world... somehow i missed the boat on earth... been swimming through the galaxy with music in me blaring looking for you, looking to go across the universe with you and forgetting that i'm here, in a place where houses get bought and sold and rent is due at the end of every month and everything costs and dreams are related to money

but i'm told, i realize, over and over, that it's only You that i'm really longing for... that this hurt, this hollow, this desire is only to be with You, and the forms and spirits i encounter, the desire to make Love only comes from this desire to experience You... it is the closest i get... i've gotten and very little can replace this... most of the people i know these days are falling into barrels of alcohol, of cigarettes and sex with strangers, with date after date from daring apps, like a swivel door that they run through... 

...maybe they are looking too, for You... then there is Love, the desire to fall and be in Love and i wonder if this is different, this addiction to being in Love, to wanting to be so enmeshed in someone else that nothing and no one else matters...