...3.17.22... march full moon ...

 ...in the backseat... looking through the window... at the moon... wondering if it will trail off... if it is just following us... no one else... us meaning my fiction... the world that bore me into this current Reality... i embrace it... embrace You... 

..today is leading into the full moon and as i reflect back... in this backseat in the cafe... hidden from the remaining drops of daylight somewhat clouded by the grey wisps of fall in spring... i am reminded of the intention from last month... to focus on letting go... to reduce... this was more than physical... it was the letting go of certain patterns of thoughts... ways of being... that keep me separate... entangled in a false reality... 

...i am often reminded of this false reality when i consider the past... when i consider how time has often left me winded and wondering... what happened?... where did it go...?... this was my Realization 17 years ago... and in Realizing this... i went into a deeper Quiet... Realizing that i didn't have to speak much... that others did... that when i did speak it was more to grow... to learn something... to grow deeper in Self... instead of saying something to advance me... my thoughts... my ideas... what i had to say... my voice... 

...i Loved this way of Being... it was clear... i was engaging to play and learn and grow and Listen... not to be heard, not to convince... i Loved this because it tapped me deeper into Self and less into ego... if i spoke it was to ask questions and try to understand... i Loved being exploratory... feel like i lost some of this... 

...i was just reviewing possibilities for the equinox... celebrations... and in doing so i felt like i wasted 20 minutes of my life only to try and Connect... and it made me think of how i used to consume events and stake out social events to have something to do to avoid being still... 

...i've known from the words of others and most importantly from my own Truth that it is Work that will Connect me... Real Work... i'd like to go deeper in Work... to share more... to give more... let go of being secluded....let go of running after... and Be still... let go of perfection and put Your Work out and who shows up will show up... 

...in the name of the Most High... 

...this month has been a bit of ups and downs... and deep Connection... deeper... feel like she has taken me deeper... that i've been forced to face my shortcomings... my ego... the issues that keep me from fully Being Love... let go of that which is short of unconditional... i Realized how important vipassana has been to me... how it keeps me in Reality... how it is every moment and not just the time set aside... 

...in the breath of... 

...this month i learned the importance of letting go not on a surface level but the insides... things that keep me... 

...this month... this coming month... this moon... is that where the term month comes from?... i would like to Connect deeper with release... with Becoming through rewiring my insides... by rewiring my thoughts.. transforming them from making points, control, conditional - ego-centered... not as things to say or talk about or show off about... but as an inside out... this month is inside out - spring cleaning... in Quiet... 

...this means every time i Listen i Listen from Love and when i find things come up - thoughts emotions of hurt anger etc, then breathing into it... annicha-ing it... dissolving the sanskara... and Listening from that place of nourishment, safe-space... rahma - compassion... 

...this month is Work towards Quietness... towards internal transformation... towards deep witnessing... this month is doing Work from this place of deep Quiet... not to brand or sell... but to nourish and grow... yoga, cooking, art... 

...Lover...

 ...about Lovers... who are examples?... who have been examples?... i liked dani's fearlessness, how he was kind and charismatic and approached women... he was always with different women... he always knew the right things to say... but mostly it was his charisma, his charm, his ability to Connect... to be bold, to not be afraid... to be confident... these were traits i found admirable... and even though he was barely five feet tall, he was full of confidence... but i didn't feel a Connection with his way... in retrospect... it was outside the Way... it was from self-centeredness... from fulfilling desires... being in a carousel... being unaccountable... 

...i admired doc... how he could've had almost any women he wanted but didn't... how discriminate he was... how he was good with being with who he was with... he didn't even seem to care that he could have anybody... he was just fully confident and humble... and Quiet...  and accountable to his family and others... 

...i admired eric... how in love he was with charlene... how charlene was his one and only love... how he was super good looking, how bright and kind he was... how polite and Loving he was... how anytime you talked to him he always pulled out a picture of charlene... how he was light on his feet and Always went out of his way to make you feel good, say hi, and had no qualms about being transparent about who he was with... how he was the opposite of sleazy and self-interest...

...in history there are few people i can think of... that i've read about... there is Mostly an idea i've had in my head... and idea of my own making... fictional... 

...the idea is this... that there is a Lover... and this Lover is Connected deeply to Source... to Soul... and is present... and fearless... and vulnerable and walks into discomfort... and Works... and moves from a place of transparency and wanting to Work through things vs avoiding things...  the Lover is in a space of trepidation... impacted... breathes and checks in... nods... Listens... asks what am i afraid of and walks in... the Lover is Confident in what he Knows... Knowing what he Knows are Spiritual Truths... he speaks from a place of Love... not control... Knowing that the only Truth is Unconditional Love... Loving not to control but to Honor... to Love... to Give... the Lover is transparent... and instead of avoiding transparency... embraces it... even if it is uncomfortable... the Lover lets go of that which keeps him from Higher... the Lover lets go of being consumed... of performance... of trying to impress... the Lover goes deeper in Love with his Lover by going deeper within... through his Work... the Work is in his art... the outcome of Love...

...the Lover isn't afraid to call... the Lover isn't afraid to ask questions... the Lover moves and speaks from center and not ego... from One-ness and not self-centeredness... the Lover presences his thoughts and feelings from a place of exploration not reaction... not pride... not trying to convince... not control... 

...the Lover Loves... 

...what do i need to learn to Be the Lover?... to ask what am i afraid of and what is discomfort at every juncture... to immediately follow this up with breath... deep breathing... with Centering... with Connection and speaking and moving from this pause/Link/place of Connection... 

3.5.22... embracing the hard...

 ...in the name... breath of... the Most Compassionate...

...i bear witness in every moment passing... no matter the feeling... and each moment of action is pregnant with the future of what will happen next... and each an opportunity to go inside... internal... instead of pretending... instead of suppressing... instead of trying to make things up... the Opportunity is in the diminishment of cravings and aversions... of releasing the desire for wanting things to be a certain way and when they are not then reacting a certain way... especially as all of that is divorced from reality... 

...in the name of... 

...there are mistakes... things we say and do... and it's a moment... and they can be avoided if we go deeper in that moment... if we pause... breathe... witness... release... watch the sensations as they appear... let go of them... and instead of attempting to shift reality to fit you... look to see how you can grow deeper in your Love so that you are not in the way... so that Love flows through you and not judgement... so that you can See things for what they Are... Love... judgement is in the sole possession of the One... 

...when you focus on Love you create greater opportunity for Love to grow... You plant seeds for Love... You delve into unconditional realms... 

...how do you shift from a situation that is hurtful...?... 

...to embrace it... to acknowledge the hurt... to share your process... to own up... to be vulnerable... to be transparent... to not turn into something about you... to Listen... to Honor... to not try an convince... to ask yourSelf what is in the Way of Love...  to first share the process of transparency.... of Honoring each other... to acknowledge the hurt... to ask what you the other is feeling? where the hurt is? to acknowledge that... to share what You heard... to share what you felt and why... to be honest... to own up... to release processes and procedures... and instead dissolve in Love...