...in the name of ALLAH... the Most Compassionate the Most Merciful...
...instead of posting anything where anyone could see i stay hidden, just as poor asian immigrants have for generations... silently walking along the shadows of store awnings... finding their way into department dollar stores... getting $10 tom-mchan's for their kids... kids like me who grew up preferring the breast feed of the shiny new shell tops and pumas... even if at a later age that meant thrift shop vintage clothes/look and hippie chicks with black long silky hair parted in the middle and sitting on the middle of their cinnamon back...
... i don't know if i'm asian... my shade of dark seems to be a stroke of allure even to myself... a blend of snow white midnight and peach... don't really identify with it though... don't know what i am or am supposed to be most of the time... don't know that the .38 millimeter pointed at my head by cops on two sides for mistaken identity was worse than the kicks and fists of young men within my complexion in timbs, leaving me inside out but mostly drowning inside myself and on the outside becoming a switchblade... not different from most people i know... not very special... all of us have trauma... a blend of this and that... kicked into believing we are ugly, into believing that others are better, something is better, there is a better... everyone i know brown black white red feels this way... not uniquely the property of one group...
...but the special lies in how we take this all in... sometimes... at my Quietest moments... i Am in Alignment... remembering why smoking and drinking and waking up reeking of long islands at 5am in a train heading back to brooklyn is not an option... why it really only hurts me and leaves me kicking myself in... participating in my own set up... paying generously at bars to deplete my organs... with a hope to find therapy sessions in new friends who will listen... in women who will hold me... who will say it's okay, it doesn't have to be a one nighter or a one weeker or one monther... that i got you if you got me... i got you... or could... but we get got it seems by the shiny new and newer and newer still by the next month week day hour... sometimes minutes later... already bored... already on to the next... remembering again that in babylon its best to get emotionally engaged within a time period... set your alarm... and let it poof... and onto the next... or keep all doors open all the time so their is never room for boredom... the swivel door...
...through yoga, prayer, fasting, meditation, veganism, cooking, writing, drawing, reading ancient spiritual texts, through my parents prayers my brothers commissary always at ready, and the company of Kings... i stay Aligned... Knowing that these anchors will keep me rooted in something more than this... that otherwise i get confused... that the affect of the frequencies is alluring... and sometimes i feel myself dancing to the tunes... following the piper to the cliff of the abyss... and sometimes jumping in... forgetting...
...i guess i don't know... i don't have a clue... i know that time passes... that people come and go... that graduations and weddings and big days are only bigger in their anticipation and planning and hype... that more often that not they are anti-climactic... that the most beautiful moments are those in deep Love... in Connection from this place of Love... of Honoring... of meeting in the Divine... it is conversations and movement and movements that lead to conversations with God... and i don't know what to do about anyone outside myself... i know what type of relationships i would want... i know that i would want a tenderness... a calm... a sweet... heartbeats... Quietude... bowing down... i Know i would want to be inside from this place... but we control no one but ourselves and even what we know of ourselves is uncertain...
...maybe this is why going to deep in the realm of intellectualizing is dangerous... as this leads nowhere... that the only thing can do is grow deeper Spiritually... to do this from a place of not trying to make anything happen... not trying to control... not lying or manipulating or reacting... but instead using every interaction to grow deeper in Self...
...last full moon i told myself i would let go of judgement... don't know that i have... don't know if intention without action is enough... that intention is everything except without action... like yoga... it is a practice... these Ways...
...inside... going inside... using the instance of upset, sad, disappointed, let down to look inside, to see where it came from... to have conversation from a place of Love... of Truth, of seeing whats brewing inside... and accepting the outcome... moving from this Love and accepting the outcome... whatever it is...
...this full moon... upon reflection of the past months journey from utah back to nyc... through the completion of ramadhan... of bowing down and breaking fast with family... of beginning the full moon cycle with teaching a full moon yoga class... and going deeper in patience... in Listening... in vulnerability... i noticed that this patience is sometimes only reserved for some and not others... that i am not universal in my patience and Love... that i am less patient with family... even though there is history... this should only compound my Love for those who have stood the test of time... who continue to Love me unconditionally, who give with what little they have...
...in growing upset... i also realized the fragility of relationships... of how sometimes i may tip toe to preserve something instead of Being Truth... and that in the process instead of Being Truth... i react in a way that is less than compassionate, that is absent of pause and equanimity... noticing the hurt and responding from withIn... from a place of Realness... Honesty... Vulnerability... Love... not guilting, not shaming... not trying to hurt... but trying to understand... not trying to get back, but to go deeper in dialogue... this month... in Light of what i experienced... i will go deeper in understanding - empathy - through the process of pausing... breathing to Connect... see what i am experiencing in body and thoughts and emotions, and Honoring that the other is going through something as well that may have led them to their actions, words, and it's not just about me... but also not being afraid to share... to Be Real... to dialogue... in the name of ALLAH... the Infinite... the One without Beginning or End... the Source of Peace... i Surrender...
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