ramadhan: day xiii: destroyed

day iii of liquids only - lemon water, w/maple syrup, herbal teas. 

this morning i woke up on the moon, losing gravity, growing closer to my bones, which have emaciated into hair follicles, on my already petite frame...

weak, i spun, focusing on maintaining balance in the ultra-restorative sequence of asanas...barely able to sit straight during meditation. 

fading, i tried to recall what the purpose of this liquid portion was, why i was doing it. 

fasting leaves the body starved, forced to default on itself, to consume what is extra and release. the body begins to consume itself...destruction.

the idea of the fast is to destroy to rebuild. to let go of everything you thought you were, everything that you thought you needed, to let go of all attachments.

the last things i'm thinking about in this debilitated stage is sex, is hollering, is checking someone out. the last things i'm thinking about is doing a million things, is hanging out and chopping it up, is talking ish no reason, cause it's fun.

the last things i'm thinking about is getting pissed, is wanting to engage in an argument, even when it comes my way, is getting too emotional about anything.

the last thing i'm thinking about is raising my voice, is speeding, moving too much

the liquid fast, the complete abstinence from any food is humbling beyond words. 

sometimes, during rawfoodism, during veganism, i would think of all the foods i'm missing out and crave. today, i feel the plentifulness of the vegan diet, of just how many options there are - cashews, walnuts, almonds, peanuts, coconut, greens, veggies, fruits, rice and dhal, and stir fry, and much much more...

walking and talking light. moving like fall leaves from an oak. pain appears here and there. the body is detoxing, releasing, letting go of itself.

this  morning, i awoke from a dream, from a sign: i was coming home, what i've known as home most of this lifetime, my parents neighborhood. walked down the stairs from the train station. midnight. only people out were these dudes, early-mid 20's. they were standing around, waiting. for what. there were green and yellow cabs going by, the night bright from the 24 hour bodega and supermarket, and everything never sleeping. 

come over here, one of them said. he was honey and cinnamon, my complexion, with a barrel chest, and a few inches on me. we were inches from one another. he nodded - what do you have? he asked, without words, in the way language transpires in dreams. 

i looked at him, looked at them, the dozen of young and purpose-less. noticed at that moment that i was wearing my shawl, that i probably looked weird to them, not like them, not down. placed my hands together in namaste, pressed the namaste against my forehead.

all praise is due, i said, my namaste still on my head, our eyes delved into each other. 

yeah, he nodded. he's cool, he said to the others. peace man.

woke up. what's the sign? 

was telling a friend about it. thought out loud. getting weaker in physical self, in being able to default on physical means of engagement. am left with only spirit, only soul. all of us have this, however deep it is buried. Soul recognize Soul. Real recognize Real. 

surah xxvi: al shu'ara: the poets

ashadhu allillaha illalahu...

the title of this surah is provoking to me. catapulted by words...poets like abdul wahab, nazim hikmet, kazi nazrul, suheir hamad, tony medina, pablo neruda, emily dickinson... poetry has been my movement, moved into gasp, quiet tears...

in the beginning of this surah, ALLAH addresses the prophet directly, providing empathy...words that go beyond emotional, that require thought into a scientific process...

26:2 These are the verses of the book that make things clear. It may be that you will destroy yourself with grief because they will not believe 26:3 but if We had so willed, We could have sent down to them a sign from the heavens so that there heads would be bowed down before it in utter humility."

the clarity resides in the being, in witnessing. the scripture is in the skies and the earth, and the firmament, as ALLAH, constantly makes clear. but for those who are in doubt, who are deceived by the senses into believing what their taste buds say, then the Word, the Qur'an, is available. 

the depth of 26:2/3 is more than the literal, more than ALLAH reaching down from the clouds with His omni-present hand, and shoving people into the ground. that would be un-scientific. that would require a great deal of blind faith. that would make a good story. but both the sunnah, the practice of the prophet, and the word, the Qur'an, amke clear, over and again, that this is a mathematic. this math is illustrated in the writing and the art. geometrics. 

the reminder here, is that the heavens, which is the ether, which all planets, stars, comets, orbit in surrender, as the fabric of life, and our emergence, could have been different. could've been that we, through the process of evolution were goat, or cow, or ant, or hawk...all of whom are in surrender to the One, and thus have their head bowed.  except for us. we were made human. this is the rub...why? what is our purpose as humans? why were we made such?

we survived the wilderness through our ability to think, to manipulate our environment. instead of being crushed by the much stronger beasts of wild, we managed to out-think them. yet somehow, this led to an arrogance, a greed, a lust...thus the need for order, for law, for a reminder that there is a law to nature, to the food chain. a tiger runs after the wildebeest, they all run, all of them. then the tiger attacks and catches its prey.  they all stop running. why? the tiger is not a babylon soldier wantonly killing everyone in sight. nor is the tiger the average human with some disposable income, eating meat with every meal, or every day. the tiger takes what it needs and the wildebeest understand this. 

so, we forgot to live. being human, has led us to forget, and thus messengers.

26:5 Whenever there comes to them any fresh warning from the Merciful, they always turn their backs on it.

the remainder of this surah expounds on the stories of the messengers of the past from the criterion and many of the other previous surahs: moses and aaron, noah, ad and thud, lot, and shuyab.

none of these messengers came as vigilantes, with big plots to save humanity, and become success stories that could be championed in yoga magazine and oprah. they came with great guidance from ALLAH, through deep meditation, and humility, and constant Surrender. in fact, they were met with the utmost adversity, and were only able to persevere, because they were in profound alignment with Truth. each step of the way they asked, they prayed, they feared, and placed their fear aside to do from the place of One.

the One, the Source, has been the modus operandi of the messengers. they would be obtaining the opposite of success in a babylon sense. they would be celebrated as the issue, the problem, scum...yet and still they did. fearlessly, 

26:50-54 so fear God, and obey Me. do not obey the bidding of those who are given to excesses - those who spread corruption in the land, instead of putting things right.

yet we are constantly prostrating to jay z and madonna, and bruno mars and wiz khalifa, and sharukh khan, and ashwariya rai, and french montana, and donald trump and puff daddy, and j lo...we make excuses for them and see them as heroes because they went from rags to riches. they become models of the story that you too could hit the lottery and own mansions that could be on cribs, and own your own private jets and cruise ships. 

the process of gaining success is to go from arrogance and mis-guidance to humility and surrender through purposeful work to serve the universe. instead we give energy to those who spread corruption. and these our are role models?

these celebrity figures, the ones with catchy songs that have young men grabbing their crotch, and young women revealing any cleavage they can show, that has grown men and women acting like kids... these celebrities are in this context, the poets. 

26:228 and as for the poets, it is the misled who follow them. 

each of the stories on these messengers makes clear how deeply committed they were to justice, not because they were into politics, but because justice is derived from ALLAH, justice is the natural order of things, is the Great Balance. injustice, imbalances, leads us into the state where we are rationalizing all our luxuries, things we may not even view as luxuries...injustice is making excuses for the golden calf, like you and your family are somehow exempt from the Great Balance, like you occupy an exceptionalism. 

when lot was questioned by his people of his motives, he responded: my reward is only with the Lord of the Universe (26:180). 

what were his people suspicious of? that they needed to maintain Balance, by being accountable to one another, by thinking beyond themselves and their own desires.

26:181-185 give full measure and cause no loss to others. weigh with correct scales: do not defraud people of what is rightfully theirs. 

this is the message that appears over and over, in every generation, and with the great height of arrogance, has become more deeply demonized, to the point that none of us want to bang with truth, because the house, the car, and the dog...becasue, the flatscreen, and the status, and what will the family, friends, etc, say, think...

the option to live humbly, in truth, in alliance with the path of spirit - justice - is made clear. you have choice. you can follow the aforementioned messengers, or you can keep bopping your head to the great illusion. 

surah xxv: the criterion

the criterion is the qur'an, a scripture with the sole purpose, as one sheik put it in a sermon i attended: to eclipse your ego, so you could know ALLAH.

the surah makes clear tawhid - the One-ness, that there is no one but One. hence the word of departure in interchanges in 80's, 90's, 2000's nyc went from salam (peace) to tawhid (one). the streets know, from a place of thirst for  deeper meaning than the devil's pie.

the mathematics of existence is made unmistakeable in this Surah: it is ALLAH who has created all things and measured them out precisely. the Great Mathematician.

even with the math, the criterion tells us: those whose hearts are sealed, deny. they deny so the prophet is told during this moment of divine intervention, to tell the people that this revelation was revealed by the Being "who knows every secret between heaven and earth." 

could you fathom this? there are the secrets only you know and have kept hidden about your deeds/self. there are secrets only those closest to you know. but do you know the secrets of everyone in your family? block? the trees, bees, dolphins, pigeons, wildebeest, obis', polar bears, chakma, altai, dogon, ancient egyptians and sumerians and babylonians, and brontasaurus, and t-rex, and saturn and mars....

21. those who do not expect a meeting with us...they are too proud oft hemselves and have greatly exceeded all bounds...22...and we shall take all they did and turn it into scattered dust.

can this be denied? whatever degrees you have, however many material gains you may have obtained, whether that be houses, cars, brand named shades and purses, and jeans and kicks, and hats...all the tasty storehouse of jams and nuts, and munchies you have...none of it lasts. u ultimately...u meaning this body u r in, become ash...inna illahe, wa inna illahe...from ALLAH we emerge, to ALLAH we coalesce...

33. the qur'an was revealed in a gradual manner so as to build up and strengthen the hearts of people. wouldnt this be true today as well. go slow...work up through practice....ramadhan is a practice, a deep one, in non-attachment from the senses.

the process of removal takes time. most of us dive into it, and go through a period of hunger and then eating. even still, it is a deep experience. but to go deeper, delve gradually, one thing at a time. perhaps take out intimacy for a while first, then meats, then...the training is longer lasting in this way, holds an imprint in our mitochondria...

but even with the previous warnings, the criterion reminds us, there has been denial. the denial was met with consequences, the drowning during the era of noah (25:36), the people of moses (25:35) were met with destruction as were the people of ad and thamud (25:38)...but is God's response really so immediate? is it so literal? do these things happen so quickly? a messenger comes, warns the people, some accept, some deny. those who deny may even go to great measures to debunk the messenger, and continue in their wanton materialistic ways. then God shows up with doom. is that what is meant here? literally, it appears to be the case. but science shows me otherwise. there is no proof for this just intervening God character in my lifetime. the wolves get away with bloodshed and pass off as the sheep. it's constant. yet, no big flood to take them out. no rain of comets to incinerate them. 

what's the deeper meaning here? that for those who deny, and are arrogant in their denial, the consequence is they drown in their own misery, they burn in their own hell, because they are faced with truth. that truth resides within them. so when moses came with guidance, when noah came to warn, they were just figures who represented what was at the core of the people around them  - a mirror. in denying, the people of the time gave credence to the greater whisperer -  shaitan - ego - idols. the idols were the senses, the tastebuds, genitals, waterbeds, silk shirts, and gold medallions. yet, this only hurt and furthered the denier's soul from Essence. 

the stories of previous warners serve as an example of what may happen. it serves to perhaps keep people who are resistant to humility and given to materialism, and arrogance, something to fear, to keep them in line. but why would this even conceivably work? because none of us live forever. because there is a great unknowing, and in that unknowing is the place where our brain meets our spirt. herein, questions engage a process of wrangling with what is undeniable - truth. 

these stories may be just fables. fables carry morals. aesop's and grimm's tales serve the function of bringing forth a morale. these tales exist in bangli/indian/desi culture as well. my grandmother told my brother not to waste food when we were shorties. to drive this point home, she related a story of a grain of rice that was thrown away, and how it went to the heavens to complain to God, who then made it cloudy and thunder and storm. the tale instilled a value in my brothers and i that have stuck. the literal accuracy of whether a grain of rice went to the heavens or not is unimportant.

but what are the consequences then, for those who are destructive towards others, the earth, themselves? the criterion, lays down the science of Air Land Liquid Atmosphere Heat:

"it is ALLAH who sends the winds as heralds of his mercy. and we send down pure water from the sky so may bring life to a dead land." (25:47/48)

the remainder of the surah provides other such math, of nature, of the karmic action involved in nature, and the profound science and interdependent discourse involved in the existence of all life.

this discourse of ALLAH is so unfathomable, and yet, at once scientific, that evolution, as understood by modern science, is made clear - "it is He who made man from water..." 

nature is in conversation. action reaction. land without rain = drought. rain on land without sun = flood and ice. 

"man from water...". we are a part of a process that has been always. what is the Source? the One from which all Life emanates, who has no beginning or end...

...so "put your trust in the One who is Ever-Lasting, who never dies..." (25:58) 

the science is clear, for anyone who is a skeptic, like myself, of blind faith. ALLAH is the Source, the Great Scientist who through the evidence of science, of that which can be observed, of that which is tangible, verifies the role, the Source:

"Exalted is He who put constellations in the Heavens, a radiant lamp and an illuminating moon - it is He who made night and day succeed each other, a sign for those who would take heed and be greatful." (25:61) 

why is it important to be greatful? because existence is so delicate that the sun not coming up for a few days may ruin the entire market of foods, may leave us so hungry that cannibalism.

how can we be greatful? 

"the servants of the Gracious One are those who walk through the earth with humility and when they are addressed by the ignorant ones, their response is: Peace; and those who spend the night prostrating themselves..." (25:63) "and those who are neither extravagant nor cheap, but a balance between the two; those who never invoke any deity besides God, nor take a life, which God has made sacred, except with the right to do so, nor commit adultery." (25:68) 

our greatfulness is not a mystery, not just in the internal work of rememberance, but in the inside out of it, in all our deeds and actions. worship, is practical. spirituality is lived, in how we engage with ourselves and our community. and if we make a mistake, our goal becomes to repent, make amends, and be humble in moving forward...

...all praise is due...

ramadhan 2015: day x: purpose of this month

what is the purpose of this month for you? i forgot. remind me please. 

i forgot because sundown happened and that one meal a day became an hour long meal, and greed kicked in and i was vegas-chomping, outside my room all-you-can-eating. lots of 1 meal kichoree happening. that 1 meal was so big, i was 1/3rd asleep from eating.

dude i met through a friend in l.a told me, when i first relocated there: welcome to l.a., where we smoke till we sleep. he smoked a spliff, and then was onto the next. 

been sleeping through the practice. but today, today after feasting on the one meal of kichoree, i remembered - cause there was some worms in the greens i incorporated into the porridge. my stomach's in attack mode at the moment, and my throat is pulsing like a one-drink-too-many moment in front of the toilet bowl. 

used to throw up. hated it. loved it after. not  cause bulemia. just stupidia. one drink too much. then next morning. promises. never again. funny thing is that's how i'm feeling bout food at the moment. 

the purpose then was to feel good, to bond with the people around me, even if it meant depleting my liver and even if it meant $100 less than an hour ago. chh-ching. here...next round's on me. felt good. somehow i wasn't as generous when the homeless man came around in the train with his cup, nor when my mom walked around with her payless clunky shoes that i knew i shoulda replaced but didn't bother. was too concerned about the hang. 

an addict to the senses, then lying about it. lying with it. sick to my stomach. rock bottom with the lies, till i was on the floor of an asphalt ocean throwing up. drowning in a vomit of deceit. 

the maya became clear in the fast, the first one, the one i did when i knew something had to give. the  senses. fasted. googled it - what's invovled in fasting? stopped...but it became a point of conversation...another sense...the tongue...talking about it more than i needed to...

the purpose of this month is to grow away from the senses, to be in AllahooAkbar. ALLAH is greater than this and all moments. even if it feels like i'm starved and a raw cashew cheesecake would hit the spot. even if there are so many things happening, and it'd be fun to talk and shoot the breeze...shhh...

purpose of this month is to shhh in all senses. to shh requires the rituals, requires proper attention, time, and space dedicated to the ritual. means, staying clear of the phone and aimless talk, and walks, and silence (vs Quiet), and judgements.

how can i accomplish this? prayer. five times. pray five times. reading qur'an. refelcting on qur'an. dikr. repetition of qalama - la illaha illa la...fasting from food. all of it, including after sundown. until i can truly eat 1 meal a day - kichoree. 

purpose of this month is to surrender in worship of that which is more than this moment. shhh these senses, this tongue and eyes and ears and genitals and mind. 

the purpose is to detox, to get so deep in meditation that purpose becomes so clear that path is paved and walk. 

walking. see myself walking on  the path that was written...till my writing and the scripture are One...

ramadhan 2015: day v: kichoree

bismillah.

one meal a day. at sun down. kichoree.

hours before the sun sinks, i prepare kichoree. kichoree is an ancient recipe that is used in ayurveda as part of the panchakarma treatment. my mom used to make kichoree when we were sick.

my mom makes it with ancient hands and ancient ways, unassuming - sari, shawl, nose ring, smile, squatting when preparing a meal, cuss-less, bangla like the ganges - without making it a statement, without reclaiming something lost. 

ammu never lost it, even when stares of others, of white, and black, and brown, and yellow people in 80's nyc stared her down like she was a ufo. 

ammu is a ufo. she is the same ufo that kehemets tuned in to via pyramids aligned with osiris.

kichoree is rice and lentils and spices and some veggies, all cooked together, until porridge.

kichoree is good for you. like prayer, and fasting. asked my mom why she fasts, a tinge of arrogance in the intention of my question, like she was blindly hugging something without knowing, cause of tradition and being unread, and opium of the masses. ammu says because it is law, because it was written.

kichoree and path of surrender (islam) = timeless laws.

you may cringe at the sound of scripture, and if you live anywhere in the western world - to qur'an. you may have an eyebrow up to the laws, rules, like me. like i used to. until i looked at the sky and spent time by the ocean, and meditated in the forest, and did a headstand on the zenith of the hudson valley. 

look up. day or night. if it's dark, look for the moon. do this for 28 days. do it for another 28. do it for another day. waniing, waxing, quarter, half, full. 

there are laws, the sun and moon and earth and rivers are tuned in. it's math. pythagorean theory, pi, aristotlean law...

kichoree is used for a period of time for its homogeneity, for its bolus, digested consistency. kichoree is used in panchakarma to prepare the body for detox. 

i'm preparing for liquids only...

ramadhan 2015: day iv: which wolf will you feed?

in the name of the Essence, in the name of You. prayers for you. prayers for your family, for your struggle. prayers for the struggle. all praise is due for the struggle, keeps us humble, on the move, aspiring...

remember your dreams are your only schemes, so keep on reaching...(curtis mayfield)

the lesson for day iv, was energy, was what we choose to give energy to. that, is what i choose to give energy to. 

found myself surfing the net, surfing haphazardly, randomly, in hyperspeed - went from checking out short films, to reading up on this ancient yogic text that ashtanga is based on, to listening to qur'an to youtubing arthritis...whoa...like whoa...slow down homie...

read this native american (without a reference to a specific nation/tribe) anecdotal lesson in this book i'm reading on the brain. it's an anecdote i've come across before. 

a boy queries his grandpa about this dream he had. in the dream the boy sees two wolves. one wolf is full of violence and lust and greed. the other wolf is full of compassion, and humility, and kindness. 

which wolf will dominate? the boy asks.

whichever wolf you choose to feed, the grandpa responds. 

deep. truth. you become what you put life energy into. 

if i'm laying around surfing the net, reading up on herbalism and wikipedia's on various celebrities, and reading how to this and how to that, then i give energy to not doing, to just thinking and watching and reading about it. i give energy to being a voyeur. 

if i spend time with the herbs, making teas, tinctures, soups, poultices, liniments, oils, using them in massage and observing the impacts on myself and others, i am being/giving energy to medicine man, hakeem. i am doing about it.

my folks and i been looking at houses in real estate mags and online for the past 20. houses we were looking at 20 years ago, quadrupled in price. we even went out and checked a few out. we gave energy to pipe-dreaming, to being careful, so cautious that we don't move, that we avoid falling, taking risks, and being okay with outcomes, to learning from the doing. 

when i am spending my time in front of a mirror for an hour a day, like i used to another lifetime ago, checking out my gear and how fly i look in it, then i give energy to being a poser, to being halloween, a costume for the great theatre of babylon. 

what i give energy to that i feel good about is asana practice, is writing, is prayer, is walks, is education, hanging with family and friends.

 

all these areas could be delved much deeper. i've had a tendency of flattening out at mediocrity, like as soon as i learned to walk, after the crawl stage, i was cool. stopped working on my walk. now  i'm laterally deviated like a ballerina, and for any ballerina's out there, ballet training makes yoga a deep challenge.

if your spending time snacking all the time, then you are feeding the wolf that then grows addicted to snacking. if you are cussing all the time, then you are feeding the wolf that cusses and disrespects. 

which wolf do you want to feed? 

i want to feed the wolf that is fearless in Purposeful doing, that is the evergrowing hakeem, always pushing limits in this path, by growing deeper in this path, by being fearless and putting myself out there, and taking risks, and being vulnerable, and allowing myself to fall, and keep on reaching...

ramadhan 2015: day iii: recipe for practice

la illaha illala. ramadhan. in Surrender to the Essence by way of submitting my senses, and accepting there is no one but One. 

my boy kris, asked me if i could guide him through this fast. 

i was chilling in fast, high in convo with the trees outside the window of our class, when kris rolled up on me. 

i'm going start fasting with you come monday, he said. one meal a day. how long is it for? 

30 days i said. 

i'll do it with you the whole time. should i start tomorrow?

 

start monday, i said. you need to preapre. i'll come up with some suggestions for doing so. 

kris and i've been banging for the past few. he's calm, patient, humble, and giving. this may be my gravitation towards him, he reminds me of home - my folks and their ways. he digs my lifestyle - diet, yoga, prayer, worship through mindfulness in Air Land Liquid Atmosphere Heat = ALLAH = 5 = 1 = 0.

figured I'd post the suggestions. figured it might be helpful for others as well, to practice the deeper dimension of this month. 

suggestions for practice of fasting based on the path of Surrender to the Source of Peace (Islam):

1. prepare your body, by training your mind to move from Spirit vs senses. how?

a. mindful meditation, 5 minutes a day. during this time: 

    -find a place to sit, alone. 

    -close your eyes.  

     -breath deep; long inhalations, long exhalations. 

     -once your breath has deepened, watch your thoughts. how?

                -to do this, step outside yourself by looking at yourself from the third person, i.e., kris is         

                  thinking about a twix bar, and having bufallo chicken wings with barbecue sauce

                  dripping from it. kris is now thinking about all the bills he has to pay, and how there is a

                  deadline for a paper, and about... just watch your thoughts. notice. that's all. 

b1. pray. 

     -pray by going from standing to bowing your head down on the ground. 

     -spend time in the bowing. keep your head down for a while.

     -sit up, and bow again. 

     -stand up again. 

     -do this twice. 

     -after the second time, turn your head east and then west, saying peace over each shoulder. 

     -once you are surrounded in peace, and have humbled yourself, then place your hand in 

      beggars position. 

     -now pray. pray for those you love, those who have hurt you, for yourself. pray by asking. 

     -to begin with, pray 2 times a day: once before the sun comes up & just as the sun is coming

      down. 

b2. pray before eating.

      -pause before your meal. 

      -close your eyes. 

      -center by recalling the last time you ate and the time before that. in doing so, remind yourself

       that this is just a moment, and like all moments, will pass. 

      -now, think about the origin of the food, what was involved in bringing this food into existence,

        i.e, rice with lentils and carrots - these ingredients came from the earth, the soil, which was 

        fed by the sun, and nourished by the water and air. These ingredients were raised by farmers 

        who helped give them birth and bring them into the world. They were cooked by my mother 

        with love. Thank you, thank you, thank you. 

c. diet. 

    -take out meat. 

    -take out one meal. 

    -increase water, herbal teas, lemon water. 

d. keep a journal. 

    -5 minutes a day: write about all the things you found yourself desiring that day, 

      i.e. today i kept thinking about the all you can eat crab and shrimp and pasta special at red 

      lobster, i found myself wanting to goto the supermarket and get a bunch of trail mixes and 

      granola and chocolate and ice cream n ground beef, n chicken wings. i found that i wanted to 

      smack kay for being so negative and trying to play me by saying that i was selfish for taking a 

      call, after we'd spent an hour talking about nothing. today i found myself talking when i didn't 

      need to and engaging in superficial conversation.  i felt real sad, when i thought about my 

      mom. today i wanted to buy the new nikes everyone is rocking, especially when i saw how 

      millie was check out ali when he walked in with his new kicks. 

E. hygiene. 

    -take time to groom, keeping clean. 

F. walk light. 

    -take only what you need and not more. 

    -this will help you be mindful of the elements, I.e., how long does it take you to get clean in the 

     shower? 2 minutes? then turn off the water after this. water is sacred and scarce. how much do 

     you need to drive? 1 hour going, 1 hour coming. cool. avoid deviations that may mean burning 

     more gas, causing air to be more polluted. air is sacred. etc. etc.

this is a good start. holler if you have any qts... 

ramadhan 2015: day ii

aduzubillahe minash shaitauner rajeem

day 1 was liquids and 1 meal, after sundown. the meal was kichoree - ancient recipe from moms and nani, verifed years later in my studies in ayurvedic panchakarma - detoxification. 

kichoree is a porrdige of rice and lentils with the option to add some veggies, like carrots, potatoes. 

what was revealed yesterday/early this morning, shortly after midnight, was the existence of the devil.

again, i believe in science. so, the idea of angels and a devil haven't fully registered. 

heard that there is a devil. shaiitan. heard that he whispers, that he lures. didn't get this. had an image of a dude with a fork and horns. the same dude from the bible and torah, the one who makes appearances in warner bros cartoons and in movies...

one of my homies recently asked me if i ever hear other voices. asked me if it might've been other voices that lead him to make a poor life decision in his relation with his fiance. i've assoicated other voice with the crazed, those in asylums, screaming out bars at someone telling them something.

the voice came late, and usually would've passed as my own - except yogum - asana, veganism, liquids, except ramadhan from the ancient math.

i was getting hot, parts of me pulsing. thought about this shorty, about hollering. grew in heat. mouth watering. that's when i heard.

have to pause about the pause to give some context to what i'm about to say. somehow, i was able to switch from being in the body to Witness, with facility. so the context is that, this cat i met in an  ashram in tamil nadu, was able to shift his intestines around at will. he showed me. when i asked him, he said how he'd been practicing a certain breathing technique for years, and then one day it just happened on its own. that's what happened.

the  voice i heard wasn't neccessary in words or language, like the linguistics of dreams. lucid. it was the sense of desire, it spoke, it whispered like a hot 97 song, till my body danced in the trance of a cobra. 

witness spoke in Quiet. i see you. disappear. gone. went to sleep. rested in peace.

this morning, got a text from a woman i know. she tends to be confrontational with everyone. reminds me of guys i know who use this as a tactic in their game. so she wrote something in the negative. i didn't hear the voice this time, but my senses, my sense of self, emotion, mind - ego, began to respond, began to react, to ask why are you always so negative? or, is that your game? or, i'm sorry i'm not into you. then it occured to me. i was giving energy to the very thing ramadhan trains us to be mindful of, to Witness - nafs, senses, ego. 

watch your ego, and watch the voices that come in the form of yourself, and often in the form of those you are around. the devil's voice whispers through many sources. just listen. just watch. and let go. if its from others, more often than not, their self-hate, misery, undealt with hurt/past, grows consumed by the emotional sense of ego, till their voice becomes indistinguishable from the devil frequency. 

avoid the dance with the devil. as harsh as the words may sound from someone deriding your sense of self, let go. you are more than your base self, more than this sense of self, this ego. let go, smile from inside, and pray. 

ramadhan 2015: day 1

all praise is due. lessons. lessons revealing themselves like all praise is due. a lesson occured this morning...

...days before ramadhan i knew i would fast, i didn't know how. i've been listening to mantras and recitations, and praying and not much else. like it would just happen. things just happen in my life, due to a lack of planning and they leave me often in the hands of circumstance.

...yesterday i spent time in the sacred movements of yoga at the shala i've been devoting a day a week  to teaching in. for free. it feeels right. after, i figured i'd go find a muslim space to bring in ramadhan with. to get soe clarity, purpose on why this month.

i forget sometimes, i forget why this month. i never really got it when i was young. it was the period of daytime starving and evening feasting. the feasting part was fun, great, viscerally gratifying. fulfilled the lust of all the daytime suppressions/repressions.

so i left. things need to make sense for me. i'm not into blind faith. i''m sure there is truth to santa claus in the north pole with all his little happy elves, who merrily work in a factory working non-stop for 11 months a year to bring kids gifts down their chimney. it's a storyline. that's cool. 

placebo effect is important. it helps. if believing a man came to earth from a distant solar system to save man for their wrongdoings, and he is from a planet called heaven, and everyone who is good can join him there....cool. cooll. if it keeps you grounded and helps you stay focused and positive, cool.

i've always a been a bit more skeptical. i guess that stems from this manifestation of being into a brown thrid world body descended from an over-populated flies and diseased country in a immigrant and white and black and brown america at war with each other. my critical eyes may stem from seeing the victims of war and systemic violence from police, military, etc, be somehow portrayed as the criminals and terrorizers. 

i learned the math of manipulation early. somehow the people's whose lands were stolen, who were kicked out and made into refugees...somehow the poorest people were of lands that held spices and ancient sciences that were highly sought after...somehow the people with whose complexions had natural protections against harsh solar conditions...somehow those abducted from home, placed into chains, wrapped into concentration camps called proejcts...somehow...were the crazy, lazy, savage, ugly, terrorists...

i did the math. didn't add up. have you done the math? so relgious storylines didn't always add up either. so, i left religion. i came to islam from 12 years of doing math. i understand why it has to be crucified. 

even still, what i do has to make sense. i'm still putting together equations, doing math, and when i get the answers checked against the answer sheet of the universe, i go forward with it. 

so, the lesson that occurred to me this morning, after a night of reflection on how do i go from eating when i want, how i want, having cups of coffee...to not eating from sun up to sun down, during 18 hour daylight. thenn it made me think about sex, and not engaging in sexual activity and this lead me to the senses.

what this thinking brought me to is that ramadhan is an exercise in detaching from the senses. ramadhan is a deep meditation that requires you to observe the senses and how they lie, and how they want, and how just as you, by default, train your senses to want (i.e. coffee, donuts, smoothies, salads with walnuts and goatcheese, etc), you can condition and retrain your body by operating from a place of Soul. 

what occurred to me is that the practice of ramadhan applies to all areas of senses. for instance, the lust of the tongue to speak, to make a point, the desire of the ears to be constantly surrounded by sound and music, etc. 

so, how do we go from being addicted to senses and operating from senses to this abrupt engagement in such a profound meditation? 

well, you can practice the way i did, and my brothers and many others we knew - starve for 12-15, and then oink out, chow down, mmmm mmmm...

you can practice resentfully, which i did also. this is some b.s, i'd think. i'm from a population of underclass, and if ramadhan is for the haves to empathize with the have nots, then i didn't get why i had to. but when i realized how there were vast populations that were really hungry and how privileged i was and all, i didn't get how or why the poor, the real poor, had to do ramadhan. 

what i came up with is this. ramadhan is possible, only if there is preparation. the preperation, as i learned from doing other fasts outside ramadhan, like juice and water fasts, requires a transtioning into, requires a gradual process. steamed foods 1 week, raw foods another week, smoothies and juices, another week, just juices another week, water for a few days or a week or more. then transition out.

so to abstain, to grow into this profound meditiation of seemingly having nothing (in the sensory sense) requires a great deal of transitioning into. in fact, it arguably may require the rest of the year to prepare - 1 part to transition into, and the other part, to come out of.

even with a vegan diet/lifestyle, even with regular practices of ashtanga - yama, niyama, asana, dhyna - even with all this, i am nowhere near prepared to participate in the way i need to. 

so my advice to self is transition. take out foods gradually. for me, it could be lessning the number of meals i have a day, then taking out cooked foods, then solid foods, then pulverized foods, then juices, then, even water - from sun up to sun down. 

99 names: al Bari: the Maker of Order ii

all praise is due, has always been, even when i got jumped by the wolves at the job. the ones who couldn't fugre out how to get at my riches. was getting paid less than everyone there, was getting less from insurance, and the cash flow shoulda depleted me, but smile, wink peace. peace. assalam. they wanted what the yoga and meditaiton classes couldn't buy them. what the extra cash flow couldn't purchase. 

how'd you get that wealth? one of my colleagues asked, at the mexican spot. gassed, i gave answers, replies that sounded like sat guru's responses to his western followers. i responded with ideas, as their questions probed further, deeper. ideas. letters. a man of letters. words merged. coalesced. we did. until me and colleague were the same, in the frequency of ideas, away. far and away from the Order.

took a while. they called me in like a holler. i came in and got stuck on fly paper. for  a sec. and then they crushed me. took my job away. took my livelihood. said i was late too often, said i was a puff of cloud. said such and such said i was doing such and such. such and sssssuuu and ssssss. hissed. i hissed with them, tongue out with venom. 

they were right. gave too much energy to the job, to opinions of those prostrate to capital and the golden calf of pharonic stature. i was affected cause i was delving from propblems, instead of stepping out to look at the math. didn't add up. 

the thing is, the they that jumped me needed me to nod, to give them love, even when they hurt. but i didn't. i barely looked at them, pouting. kept it moving, walking down the ave, when i saw them during a lunchbreak, when i was surrounded by neighborhood guards that wore blades under their teeth that shined like grills, larger than 22's on 18 wheelers. 

the Order Maker provides guards tougher than leather, than the fists of my little homie who was ready to blur fists at the length of an eye hitting him, at the slightest treble of what may sound like hurt from me when i spoke of the situation, unemployed and in blues - who disrespected you sun? 

the guards are all around. all around. sun moon air river mountain stones. the stone that the builder refused has always been the head corner stone....

the stone. stoned love. pineal gland. what???

the Order Maker sets a math. what is the equation? the mathematics is in the Quiet. shhhh...it's in the doing. do. work. work is worship. shhh. life is work and work is worship. the struggle is worth it.

what's your struggle? mine is forgetting purpose, mine is trusting in this path of traditional medicine and allowing it to take me instead of me trying to control it. the struggle is slipping into darkness and acclimating to schizophrenia - the frequency of bablyon. walk like flex, the death dance from dancehall to 4 train bar breaks by kids with boomboxes and epilepsy. 

how do you get down with the Order. do. focus. find Your Purpose. it's always a spiritual one. do deeper. further. shhh...with and without pause. polymer....over and over, until methodlogy hones into clarity.

this month's full moon letting go was of random doing, and doing instead from methodology. there is a method to shirsasana, to walking sitting, to humiltiy.

the methodology to the Order, is la illaha illala....dikr...la illaha, teri shan ya wadahoo, la illaha, teri shan shan shan....the repetition of this frequency in sanskrit...om tryambakum yejamahe...do the reptition of this frequency in cantonese in malay, in swahili in creole, in....until you are so clean inside that Om is not a word, that Om is how you walk and move.

the Order is Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm........

99 names: al Bari: the Maker of Order

order. there is an Order to ........ al Haq. biismillah

bismillah hirahman niraheem. in the name of...

ALLAH, your name is on the 22 most wanted list.

i lied. ALLAH, your name is on the 10 most wanted list.

ALLAH, your name and path is public enemy number one. you are in the eye of a rifle.

You, the Source of Peace (islam, as-Salam), You are the target of a campaign of drones with precision bombs that are as accurate at aiming at You as physcists are at locating electrons. 

the golden calf of this living, of here's my business card, of flatscreen and sports and made men, of cool, of identity politics, of museum shows and walmart crowds, of working class and elite, of, of, of...are tied into this frequency so deep, they'd rather talk till they fell asleep in front of a bowl of roasted almonds and cyberporn.

the order is talk in the linguistics of dominant culture or in dominant subculture, or in what's cooler: white in Idaho, black in atlanta, mexican in paso, texas, puerto rican in spanish harlem, korean in flushing, indian in edison, nj. 

spend your whole life talking about race and being a color, and the politics of that color, and, and, and...give energy to the maya you live in cause you're hurt, cause others hurt makes you verify fiction. the happenstance brown on this face, connects my skin to sun, not an identity. land, and sun, and language, and worship, connects us. 

are you down with Soul? with the Order of Soul?

the Order is the worship, to worship that which is Real - 28 days, moon-cycle; 85% of planet earth is lquid, 15% land. it takes a mountain 10 million years to take shape. 24 hours for earth to revolve around its axis. 364.5 days for earth to revolve around the sun. 28 years for saturn to orbit the sun. 

the Order is mathematics. 5 times a day - surrender to the Source of Peace (islam). 30 days a year, during the 9th month, fast from sun up to sun down. once a lifetime, journey to the black hole, the center of all galaxies - the atom - the house of adam, built by abraham, in mecca, and become a proton and neutron, as you circumambulate the Great Nothingness, 7 times. 

do you know your math?

if you do, check your phones, and look out the window. feds. waco. wait, it may be too late. 

but wait, there is no end. the end never ends. know the Order.

the Order of the day makes itself clear. no book or scripture neccessary to illuminate this - just sun up and moon up - light sky and dark sky. yes, this is the knowledge. it must be destroyed and the people who practice it must be decimated like bacteria. dropping anti-biotics from obama space-ships. prescriptions from the black-man, who is the Man. the Man, has always been the cracker of whips. he has always been black and asian, and indian, and white. the Man dances with the devil.

the Man is you kid. yeah, you. 

shhhh...meditate and reconnect with the Order. the Order reveals Essence when you are empty.

hands up, heads down, i Surrender. take off my watch and kicks, and jeans and white-tee. put down my cell and even my pen and pad. throw up and drink only a glass of water when i am hungry. in the last 30. empty. 

in complete emptiness, the av node can be heard. the pulse is felt. the Order is clear. 

 

methodology on making meaning in times of doubt

do You. shhh....said it. said it already. said it so much you turned off, like color on the tube of a chromatic monitor - tv's with knobs that sit in museums with my ammu abbu bhaiyas. relics of a past to be disected by academics in disertation to make meaning of their life. to teach.

taught myself to stick my tongue down my throat until i am tonguing the parasites and aciphidophilous in my gut. they ask for more rosh golla, cliff and luna bars. come on, they say, they're not so bad. they sound like albert and danny, and willy and juan. teenagers looking to actualize bad, cause bad feels so good. so  good that f u...f the world. bad. breaking bad. bad is good in babylon. sometimes. depending on the type of bad. surrendering, praying, counting prayer beads, walking light, stitching old into new to avoid shopping, breaking naan with family, that's the worst. watch out.

back in the day...back in the day was sun and moon...back in the day was earth spinning. 

i've been spinning, a dervish with a mosque on my head that is concealed by fine curls that raise an eyebrow on ethnic background...ambiguous i stand closer to my ammu, hugging her rooted body adorned in ancient fabrics that speak humility. i hold closer my abbu's thumb, until i am home. thousand year old farmers prostrating to the One. 

these thoughts are met against jobs and rent and a rootless existence that has me pouring my biography in rhyme and meter and other people's song and napkins and notebooks and shopping bags, like i would die if i didn't. n i do, without a plan, without a market, without a publishing house to approve or disapprove, without an audience whose needs are met. 

the methodology to sanity is the energy of Khaliq - to Create. and do it Quietly. no One to see, to hear the polished, edited, sanded down, nicely packaged spa materials that will have them coming back. 

come back to You. 

You and me, yeah, i've been waiting. think i'm gonna make a move...

full moon june 2015

in the  name of ALLAH, the most beneficient, the most merciful...

in the name of Quiet................................................do you hear me........?????

nine dots. 9 divided by 3. 3 times 3. 

hidden. hidden in riddles that solve like math when there is a quiet mind and psychoanalysis is just a reminder of the prosecutor questioning where you were that last night.

 i was Home. i've always been Home.

full moon practice alone, in Quiet, in the room next to the bar, where convo happened like last day to talk to each other. i just held her. my ammu. held him. abbu. bhaiyas. said nothing when e, a, d, k, j, passed on, breath turned in, till otherside of the mirror.

through the looking glass. walked in to the river. walked into oceanic  floor. 1000 leaguuess under the sea. under. go under.

there's an  arithmetic to home.   but i go witth feelings, witth momentum, with trying to feel it and see wwhat comes, of ssitting  in the caaafe for  yearrs until teen thhousand paagess and no sttoryy....i g  throoughh aa viinyyassa off peoms  strung intoo pposees. 

thhis month  i let go  oof  of randomm, emotioon bbased,, immproov aand improv annd emotiionn thrrough methodologgies, throught he arrittthmetiic of annatomy and hhsioology of aasaana and medicine making andd things iss we alwayss havee. there's alwaays been a sscience to us,, to  our indiggeeenoous  wayys.   it justt was never stiff.. itt jsut was  neverr jusst a  forrmuula  to stepp oone fooot tto the lefft aand then to the right 3  seconds llater. tthis iss eeuurocenttric ttakeer ccultturee mathh in  diammmetriic  opposition to  truue mmathh. true math iss mmethodolloggies, baased on ccraft,, on skillssmaanshiip, method met wwith  movvemennt aand dance annd painting. all at ooncee.. but havve the methhod ddowwn.  know tthe methood    in hholllerrinng,, inn what wworked didinn't, in shirsaasaana aandd sccoorpppion annd hhandstaand. know the method iin  storytellling and bbones and atttacchmentess and musccless...

this month....meethoodologgy  that is  thee sccience of mmusiicology  in  asaaana,  meditiaon, wsttoryteeelliing, looveerinng,  ccommmunnity buildding, massaggin, mediicine making, herbbalizinng, entrpprennuerrooticss....