...day two of winter solstice... full moon dec. 2018

...sol - sun, stice - stasis - stand still... the winter solstice is said to be between the 21st and 23rd of december... a death of sorts... and a rebirth... i went through a death of sorts... but in the purgatory i am in, i am finding myself repeating what is dis-serving me...

...disservice... what are you repeating? you are what you repeat... that's what i record every day, ever since it became clear to me... clear as a mantra...

...what i am repeating that is growing, fulfilling, sustaining are: praying fajr and maghrib... being present, fully in on what i am doing at the moment... my morning rituals - all of them - folding my bedding, putting it away, using the bathroom, ridding yesterdays junk, dental hygiene, drinking a glass of water with apple cider vinegar... asana practice that releases my joints, and vinyasa, that is driven by breath and fear - asanas that i am afraid of... embracing them through vinyasa... which threads, keeps the heart and body engaged... heated to go deeper... breakfast after - oats works best - a short siesta after... shower, grooming, and dressing after...

...all of this works... and then there is the 3rd hour of practice, and this is usually strong, and involves strength building poses, challenging poses, handstand practice, and floating vinyasa... feels meaningful...

...social interactions feels good.... and journaling feels good... could be more systematic...

...what am i repeating that's not working?... avoidance... the wind down for instance, at night... ends up being from 7:30pm to midnight... 

...what are the things i'm avoiding? life responsibilities - earning a living, having a place, getting married, doing the Work i am here to do...

...how can this change?... let go of avoidance... not just make a purchase, not just be a consumer... avoid repeating patterns...

...the pattern has become a template that i'm a silhouette in... i get an idea, decide i'm going to do whatever it is... make purchases, i.e. herbs, i.e jars, i.e. tea bags... and then drag them around from place to place... been doing this for years now... why? because i keep putting it off till everything is right... what would be right?... a place i feel good about it... where i can have community... feel connected with others... have meaningful relationships... be with someone i am building a family with... so, in the process i do not commit, flee, and then don't think it's the right decision, and come back... get things brewing and then bounce...

...got to commit... got to put in to get out...

...signing a lease will do this... i will sign a lease... signing a contract to a to work would do this... this could be finally starting my ayurvedic business or something else... it could be getting property and building a guest house out of it... something...

...my boy milt says that its not a thing that you want but a feeling... there is a feeling i get when i hold handstand... it feels like i am flying, defying gravity... feels like i am getting Closer...  getting my legs behind my head feels this way...

...doing meaningful bodywork feels like i am being of service, useful, have a purpose...

...this full moon... sign the contracts that will require you to fulfill your duties in making a living, having a place to live, work towards building a family and bring deep joy to your family...

...coming Close...

...audzubillahe minash shaitauner rajeem, bismillah hi Rahman iRahim...

...in the name of that which is Always, without beginning or end... ALLAH is Infinite, and yet i surrender to the job marker, still look to that which is temporary, that which i find is antithetical to Soul, for livelihood... growing a deeper respect for the yogi with the bowl, the sufi in the dervish, the healer with the cure who heals and accepts that which comes or doesn't... Knowing the Work needs to be done...

...when the car spun out of control... when it off the road, spinning, me in it, me without control, me watching my own world in slow motion... what became clear was regret... was that there was a ball of choke in my throat... for failing my duties to mom mom mom, dad, brothers, aunties, uncles, cousins, tribe, friends... those who arrived with need and i turned my back on them by staying hidden, by staying silent, when ALLAH asked me to Work in Quiet... as guru-father has done, as 1-who-Knows has done... as isa had done... as the noor of men, the prophet (s.a.w), has done, as the prophets confucius, gautama buddha, krsna, patanjali, danwantari... have all done... as the messengers proceeding the final covenant have done - bahaha-ullah... harriet tubman, gandhi, che guvera, mother teresa, malcolm x, noam chomsky...

...messengers continue to appear... and remind us of Truth... that which Is... sometimes i tap in through coffee... sometimes through a deep asana practice... sometimes through bhastrika pranayama... sometimes through fasting...  sometimes through laying my forehead to the ground... sometimes through cooking... sometimes through writing... through releasing through this piano i pound on... releasing that which stirs inside...

...inspired... move through inspiration... build inspiration through the tools... move with inspiration... how can inspiration bring me/you livelihood?... how does it facilitate our day to day needs - food, shelter, health?...

...ALLAH = 1ness = trust in the 1ness...

...if what you are doing is that which needs to get done... then Trust... and it will...

...as i begin to repeat the mantra of that which I AM... a Lover... to Love, give, take risks, be vulnerable, walking my mantra, playing, playful, Connecting and building ummah, through my Work... through giving my all, my best... because it is needed... i've learned that i need to ask...

...as our earth rapidly comes to a completion of its revolution around the sun, shifting from the dakshinaya (southern solstice), to uttaranya (northern solstice)... and my body begins to reflect on its movement through time and space this past year... without much thought... i noticed gerbil like laboratory patterns - running in a ferris wheel of hope, giving up and looking for a job, not hearing back, shrugging it off, deciding i'll just stay focused on my work, feeling overwhelmed without putting in the kind of effort i need to... combing job sites, putting out resumes, not hearing back... repeat... the cycle continues...

...and yet, all this i've ever looked up to have created their path, have carved it out through staying determined in their talent, in their inspiration, in the material they put forth... in their sharing... the prophet, gandhi, che, malcolm, nas, the cranberries, johnny depp... my pops... my moms...

...so... i will... be clear... without fear in the asking and the doing... work towards... 1000%... take risks... and let all else unfold -  i need money to do this work, because it is important... and will help you... and me... and our world... to Connect...