...sol - sun, stice - stasis - stand still... the winter solstice is said to be between the 21st and 23rd of december... a death of sorts... and a rebirth... i went through a death of sorts... but in the purgatory i am in, i am finding myself repeating what is dis-serving me...
...disservice... what are you repeating? you are what you repeat... that's what i record every day, ever since it became clear to me... clear as a mantra...
...what i am repeating that is growing, fulfilling, sustaining are: praying fajr and maghrib... being present, fully in on what i am doing at the moment... my morning rituals - all of them - folding my bedding, putting it away, using the bathroom, ridding yesterdays junk, dental hygiene, drinking a glass of water with apple cider vinegar... asana practice that releases my joints, and vinyasa, that is driven by breath and fear - asanas that i am afraid of... embracing them through vinyasa... which threads, keeps the heart and body engaged... heated to go deeper... breakfast after - oats works best - a short siesta after... shower, grooming, and dressing after...
...all of this works... and then there is the 3rd hour of practice, and this is usually strong, and involves strength building poses, challenging poses, handstand practice, and floating vinyasa... feels meaningful...
...social interactions feels good.... and journaling feels good... could be more systematic...
...what am i repeating that's not working?... avoidance... the wind down for instance, at night... ends up being from 7:30pm to midnight...
...what are the things i'm avoiding? life responsibilities - earning a living, having a place, getting married, doing the Work i am here to do...
...how can this change?... let go of avoidance... not just make a purchase, not just be a consumer... avoid repeating patterns...
...the pattern has become a template that i'm a silhouette in... i get an idea, decide i'm going to do whatever it is... make purchases, i.e. herbs, i.e jars, i.e. tea bags... and then drag them around from place to place... been doing this for years now... why? because i keep putting it off till everything is right... what would be right?... a place i feel good about it... where i can have community... feel connected with others... have meaningful relationships... be with someone i am building a family with... so, in the process i do not commit, flee, and then don't think it's the right decision, and come back... get things brewing and then bounce...
...got to commit... got to put in to get out...
...signing a lease will do this... i will sign a lease... signing a contract to a to work would do this... this could be finally starting my ayurvedic business or something else... it could be getting property and building a guest house out of it... something...
...my boy milt says that its not a thing that you want but a feeling... there is a feeling i get when i hold handstand... it feels like i am flying, defying gravity... feels like i am getting Closer... getting my legs behind my head feels this way...
...doing meaningful bodywork feels like i am being of service, useful, have a purpose...
...this full moon... sign the contracts that will require you to fulfill your duties in making a living, having a place to live, work towards building a family and bring deep joy to your family...
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