...full moon april 2019

...this full moon... in libra... opposite of uranus... that's what an internet site i landed on w jaz said...
...we looked at it for meaning... for what it meant for us... to find our mangled memories under a spot light...

...recognized... acknowledged... seen... i see You... i see how beautiful and loving and caring and all that You Are...

...i wonder if you see me... thing is i've been hoping you would... and in the process i've been failing to see You... to see Your Light...

...i've been wondering about resonance... about if 1ness... if this Truth of ALLAH is observable to an extent... tawheed... the 99 Being One... the Truth of this in our interdependence to composite a single seeming being - the person writing this... the person reading this - composed of trillions of other life form within this you... then... how is it... why is it that we have resonance with some and not others... why do we not get along, Connect with everyone?... or do we?... that is are we failing to Connect with every other being when we are failing to Connect with our selves... and in turn putting up walls... that is... there may be someone who i may perceive as physically unattractive, and so i don't engage with them the way i may if i perceived them as attractive... and sometimes cool trumps physical attraction... the idea of cool... and so... because of unattrative and attractive... becasue of these perceptions... there is closed door, open door.... afterall, isn't this the case for people we are involved with intimately...?... but this is not the case for everyone... there are those who fall in love based on qualities of another... and there are those who within this minority, also find beauty and quality in all... and thus in turn... everyone is a potential lover...

...this could be a threat... threatening... for those who operate from the more shallow...

...this could be a journey in learning to find and Love qualities in ALL...

...then how do you decide who to spend time with and who not to...?...

...i have been passive... passively accepting that which happens to me... and instead of playing... being played on... have been outside the game... or thinking i was/am... and yet i'm in it... just not playing... those living, really living... are completely outside their comfort zone... because this is what it takes to play....

...this full moon... instead of being acted upon... i act upon... i play... a player... initiating... making decisions.... 

...1... inspired by...

. …three people... dead/alive... who inspire you. what about them? how do/can you embody these qualities?...

...ammu... sari like a shawl... ancient noakhali soil centralized in third eyes sketched in paisley and threaded by hand by her four sisters father and great aunty... standing in the school yard... 1980's... i looked away... looked at the eyes darting her anathema to what was erased... like dandelion, like plantain... like grass... she stood... peeking out of the concrete... no one said a word... i heard the judgements... heard them shoot... and i stood with them... took their side... that me... the little scrawny kid who was looking to be officialized... recognized... accepted... not an alien... not the a and 78348793q49... not an alien registration card... not green... not a ufo... i remained unidentified through a growing silence... worshipping brands and trends to patch up my ugly... ammu became more beautiful... a giant... her four feet 10 inches taller than a redwood... she taught me to stay rooted in Love... in Real Love... regardless of the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune...

...abbu... the activist... the Lover... the man whose sword was a pen and typewriter... who wrote, reported, paved avenues for the voiceless, the regal potential of human beings... who believed deeper than the decor of religion... who prayed through selfless service... through late night meetings to counter tyrannical men in double-speak... who curated collabarotive labratories of revoltuionary gatherings of ragas, biryani, and polemics... who raised three sons with books on the ideals of bacha khan, gandhi... visited the sick... and headstones to keep the grave close... even as a traveler...

...emperor... jesus... che... d... hanson... dally... the Lover... Loving... present... fully with You... fully in You... fully...

....qualities: being vulnerable... loving... flirting... playing... playful... taking risks... Being Self... fighting for... standing for... listening... vibrant... flowing... community... artist... artistic... humble... making Love... present... lovers... fully present with all... fearless... urgent... Quiet... poet... poetry... music... musical... flowing... floating... 

...bleed...

...you have to shed some to gain... muscles about to give...do you give in?... do you push?... when you do push... how do you feel after?... is it for a feeling?...

...honesty... truth... Love... authenticity... effort... all... will get You there...

..some people meditate as their thing cause they're fat...

...that's what i thought earlier... in my moment of being judgmental...

...when did i come close to failure today?... i came close to giving up on the drive here... back to the city from nj... from a 20 min drive that took 2 hours... but i decided to enjoy it... decided i'd stay happy about it... decided to listen to madonna and gems and crystals lectures based on edward cacyce... decided that i'd still go home and take a shower and change even though i was running late to my first meeting after work...

...i made it back home all right... i whipped safely... i ran home and shook off the stiffs through my rush... made it to the meeting only ten mins past.. and emailed her prior letting her know i'd be late...

...all praise is due...

...came close to failure when i floated to my wrists and back... usually do 5 times... did 12... did the same with floating into tuck up...

...listened... carefully to sis... as she spoke... instead of me talking... instead of me waiting to say something... instead i listened and asked and learned that there are energies out there in the form of persons that can appear to hurt... to want to hurt... to recruit into darkness... and she had this experience multiple times... made me wonder why... why i haven't?... wondered what she was attracting and why and why i wasn't attracting what she was...?... feedback... all of it...

...

...the greater the resistance... the greater the opp...

...to build... to grow... what are you resisting? what is resisting you?... how are you facing it?... are you letting it crush you...?... are you avoiding it...?...

...the truth is i write because i have to... the truth is... this is about me... i am really writing to myself... and yet... the paradox is... i love writing to me by writing to you... and there is no resistance at this point... i don't know who you are... there is no weight.. no demands... no expectations... no commitments...

...under a hundred pounds of steel, i pump... and when i am done, i feel swole... muscle fibers tear... and new ones grow... when i add another ten pounds... i am reaching with everything inside of me to pump... to get it... i am close to letting go... but know that i can't, cause my throat or chest will crush... so i push harder than i have until that point... and hook the barbell into place, leap up, and beat my chest...

...something to the bench-pressing, weightlifting thing...

...you actively embrace resistance, and push through...

...the greater the battle the sweeter the victory...

...in yoga... for me... this is going through an entire vinyasa... it is sticking to it... it is staying extra long in a pose that is extra challenging... it is getting up after you fall and try again...

...what in your life are you resisting?... i am resisting time... that this is finite... that this human thing ends... that i have all the time in the world... and in the process seasons of life happen and i haven't shared much with you... haven't been in dialogue... and what i realize is that i want to be in dialogue with you... conversation... me and you... accountable... growing together... more than audience... a discourse to help us both grow...

...i am resisting time by being nonchalant, lacsidaisical, perfectionist... and in the process... the novels, short stories... the herbal blends... the courses... all of that gets shelved... the collaborations... the marriage... the kids... the house...

...i am resisting doing these things for that perfect moment... waiting for the perfect moment to get a house... because not all the pieces are in place... and they weren't in place 20 years ago... and time has gone... until i have completed intermediate series with finesse... and in the mean time... until i come to grips with being an immigrant... a foreigner... of a culture so foreign that it barely exists on the planet any more... like a species on extinction... my culture of 1940's undivided india, of 1950's 50's east pakistan, of 1970's bangladesh... of being of this parentage... of having been born in this soil... and then uprooted... being elsewhere... in a land whose language was so thready, i felt stitches come over my mouth in kindergarten, and my words jammed into silence...

...i looked for surveillance cameras by the bulk foods section... and snacked like i escaped famine... and paid for a fraction of a fraction of a fraction of what i ate...

...i know herbs in theory... by name sometimes latin... by properties described on websites... by some books i've gone through, by ayurveda sites i've copied and pasted from... but besides a few herbs... i have very little direct experience with the ones i hold, that sit in my room... so i have done nothing with them... other than watch them... other than imagine taking them one day... one by one... other than imagine having an apothecary in which i get to taste all these herbs so i can better assist you... so i can know what i'm talking about... so i am resisting doing anything with them for this reason... my resistance is avoidance... avoidance is not resistance... it is eschewing, it is cowering... it is pretending... resistance is to accept this is where you are - this - what i told you - and then doing something - taking it on... i want to get you the medicine... and understand the medicine more... and want to make sure it works... so i make preparations, based on what the ancients said, based on what i've read and heard, based on trying it, based on you trying it... but instead of doing it in a theoretical order... i embrace the doing... the action... the making of medicine and trying it out with you... with me... and see what happens... what the results are... and embrace the not knowing by offering a feedback sheet to get your experience and mine... so this way... together... we could know...

...by sharing with you... these stories... by really putting myself out there... this yoga... getting feedback from what you have to say... 

...the interview... pt II

...the subway was pulling into the platform... half a block and 3 long staircases below the aboveground platform, Jungle gave the old subway sprint, taught to him by his older brother, father, and grandfather... all of whom ran for their lives since they were born... jungle didn't mind his chest imploding, as he reached the final set of stairs, excited by the clash of announcements - from the conductor - stand clear of the closing doors ; from the toll booth clerk - pay your fare you hoodlum!...

...the doors were 2 inches from closing when he dove in... feet first... like he were stealing a base, and the catcher bulleted the ball to the 2nd basemen who reached for the ankle of the stealing-base runner... the doors closed, and he nearly leaped up to celebrate if his thick wad of long hair wasn't stuck in the door...

... by queensboro plaza, jungle was in a seat all to himself, as he might've resembled a homeless man with a suit three sizes too big, and charred by dumpster diving, from the sliding in...

...lost in thought about how he would explain the newly acquired stains on his outfit, jungle didn't notice that the train doors were still opened and hadn't moved in five minutes...

...conductor: ladies and gentlemen, thank you for your patience, please be advised that we still have a sick passenger in the train in front of us... blah blah blah...

...holding tight to a crystal that a tarot reader gave him, he closed his eyes and imagined time standing still as the sick passenger was taken off the train and served 100 lashes for getting sick, and fined $1000 for being so inconsiderate... 

...the subway failed to budge when h opened his eyes... jungle reluctantly looked at his phone, there was five minutes to the  interview... the 7 train to Manhattan was pulling in across the platform...

...the interview... part I...

...will jungle make his rent so he doesn't have to move back to his parents, who are facing eviction...?...

...jungle was running late... you know the scenario... you have 2 hours before the interview, the alarm clock goes off... you looked at it and note how well prepared you are this time around, how it's different, how you have plenty of time, plenty, and a 15 minute snooze would be a good use of time...

...the alarm goes off 15 mins later... ah... you still have plenty of time... and after all it's more important to be well rested and show up at the interview refreshed and ready to expertly tackle the nerve-racking usual suspects - what makes you think you are qualified for this job? how does your experience relate to this job? where do you see yourself in five years? - not with your punk ass!!!, you comment as you get to this last question, and in fact, say as much to the interviewer, a faceless man with a barcode and a crown on top of his head and a suit so tight that looks like it would pop if he made the slightest move...

...that's when you realize you're dreaming... and feel warm and fuzzy to know that you are in bed and not up and about... thank goodness...

...3 snooze hits later... it is 8am and your interview is at 9am, and you think how you should probably get up even though you still have some wiggle time to make it... it's a 20 minute subway ride, and you walk like an ostritch...

...you take a nice scorching hot shower, even though it's 90+ degrees outside, as hot showers always feels good in your book, and ten minutes later you are falling into a deep daydream of Daisy, the woman even your mom has told you to leave... another five minutes goes on in this way... when you get a call... and another and another.... you finally get out the shower and see that it's your mom and accidentally pick up regretting it immediately: why is the shower on? shouldn't you have left for the interview 30 minutes ago... doesn't sound like you have... you might as well not go... what's the point? you don't take anything seriously... sounds like the train is coming, you tell your mom and hang up wondering what the hell made you move in the apartment right upstairs from them... it's 8:25 and you have 35 minutes to get there... 

...sugar and walnuts...

...sugar and walnuts... sugar masked as almond milk ice cream... knew it and played... the game... the one that got me over to your place... after ignoring your calls... after we broke up... after i walked over the hudson... exodus to astoria... to where i thought home was... even though you were from jersey... even though i was from queens... even though i binged breaking bad after it was over... empty pints of vegan ice cream crowding my bed... forgot i had a job when monday morning came and by friday i was on a leave of journeying into dust...

...months into a cold cereal toast diet... you became a stranger... i left your pictures in pockets of jeans and hoodies for salvo... for donation... for letting go... let you go... with the smoke i blew in front of the coffee shop... circling words i never gave you, that wrapped around hipsters wondering why more people didn't live in astoria... didn't bother waving my hand... saying here i am... have been since i could remember, when the tallest building was six stories tall and there was a guy who grew from the cracks of the sidewalk by the train every dawn and shouted cry out loud... understood you at that moment... understood we walked two worlds and it didn't matter... i didn't care that the new astorians didn't see me... so long as you did... and that didn't matter either...

...you showed up... like breathless kisses... like a letter wet with tears pleading for getting back... i thought... i thought thats what it was... 

...numbers...

...one 1... one-ness... tawheed... what distinguishes the path of 25 to life - the path of numbers, mathematics... islam = Surrender to the Source of Peace...  unity... ummah... community... in togetherness there is one... newness... new beginnings... opportunities and a High that becomes available through struggling together, to a coalescence... a becoming One... as cassie said: me and You, yeah... i've been waiting... think i'm gonna make a move... 

...two 2... duality... vedanta... illusion... separation... fork in the road... choice... which way... a life decision... a decision to make... between this or that... option... which one...

...three 3... pyramid... triangle... 3...ankh... family... man woman child... chatter... company... friend groups... trimester... tricycle... support...

...four 4... support... box... building... blocks... elevators ... structures... foundation... strength stability.. security...

...five 5... pyramid... 3-dimensional pyramid... completion... struggle... rituals... pillars... an end and beginning... pray 5 times a day to recall death... to recall the return... to tune in... to return to the battlefield... not turn away... to be arjuna... after his talk with krsna... fight... sweet victory... even in the turmoil of babylon...

...6 six... divisible by 3 and 2... can be halved into a prime twice - 3 & 2... devil.... the number of the beast... complacency... laziness... tamasic... giving in to the illusion... fighting for materialism, for material aggregation... accumulation... getting fat...

...seven 7... heaven... divine... devout... the number of rest... the completion of the universe... after 6 days of Work... to turn off electricity and be in shabat...

...eight 8... infinite... divisible by 2 and 4... even numbers... no end in sight... going on and on...

...9 nine... the cliff... before the leap... to jump... to take the dive... to be in a place of Reaching...

...medicine of...

...this is medicine... here... this...the ancient art of writing... of tap dancing on paper... of spilling ink... of moving fingers to the rhythm of brain pulses that never reach the throat... vishuda chakra...

...are you afraid to speak... are you afraid?... of what?...

...talk about it... sit with me... look at these cards before you... this is the card of your present situation... what is your present situation?... what do you see?... in relation to the question... the one that grips your attention at the moment...

...this is not a fortune telling... not a psychic reading... only ALLAH Knows...

...this is a reading for you, for us to explore you... to get you to the path that is in ALLAH-ment...

...and here are some of what is ailing you... that you bring up...

...you have been focusing your whole life to be normal, to stay rooted in what will get you ahead... and yet... there is the 7 of wands, and there is cosmos there... and it connects with your past, what you desired most... to Connect with the Universe... and here you Are... and you are just trying to hold it down at the moment, just trying to stay abreast... and if you honor your desire to lift off, to fly, then you can get to your dream...

...here is a crystal for your muladhara... which will support the uncoiling... keep it in your pocket... where it on this bracelet... meditate with it...

...take this tea... a blend for ascension... take it to clear the manavahasrotas... have it at 8pm, 1 hour after dinner, 2 hours before bed...

...wear this scent... tap it o your sahasara before you go out...

...spray this essence... for your auric field, before you go out... in spaces you need clearing in...

...schedule the following sessions with me: geera-basti, shiro-dhara, yoga therapy, life-transformation-therapy-tarot...

...i believe in You...