...the day before the day before the end of the 2010's...

...2010's... 2019... the end of a decade... man made... the concpt of decades... as if there is such a thing as the 1990's... what about the year before that?... is 1989 closer to 1980's or 1990's...?...

... i have been reminded of this notion ... the end of a decade by a few people at this point... the symbolism hit me... a wow... a trip... is it really happening...?...

...messed up... again... how?... don't even know this time... maybe i didn't... maybe this time it wasn't me... maybe this time it was me hoping... aspiring... and feeing the mess up in the rejection in the disappointment... instead of strong... strengthened by the me... by the me that is the I... that is moved and moving from the One... the 1ness... inshALLAH...

...if that is the case... if you are clean... operating from a place of 1... moving from 1... then you could do no wrong... you can only be Truth... as You Are Truth...

...in the name of ALLAH...

...living elsewhere sends trepidations... doing it alone... fear of doing it alone... don't want to... want to be around you... want to create... build... community... Be with You... want to Be with You...

...Work is worship... it requires Work... Work is moving from the inner compass... Work... give it Your ALL... from within... from who You Are... inshALLAH...

...i Am...

...if You Truly Are... have faith... Knowing there is nothing wrong... regardless of the reaction... especially in the context of wu-wei... of the effortless effort... of breath... deep clean breath as You move forward with the Work.... and the price makes sense now... charging for the Work makes sense as we spend 1000's on things... stuff... and the only way to invest in Your health is if you pay for it... a currency exchange for commitment... and for people like my mom who can't afford a fraction of this work but are resourceful and take into account any wisdom they get... have a separate program that requires a fraction of the price...

...and apply the charge to the spend... the investment... in discomfort... in the letting go... through the context of plan... and commitment to the plan... 6 months more before i move on... use the plan ahead... use the context of the plan to make moves... in august i start the nutrition intern.... will move then... between now and then...

...new years eve... shhhh... meditate... levitate... Be in community... inshALLAH... 

...winter solstice 2019...

...in the name of ALLAH... the Most Compassionate... the Most Merciful...

..feasted...after the fast.. at the conclusion... ate too much... at my brother's... 1-who KNows... did you Know...?... he did... witnessed... has been hovering above my right shoulder.... my mom's been leaning in on this shoulder... feeding angels... starving the devil  that often takes host in my neurons like a virus... acts like a cell... catapulting movement into blues...

...been playing the blues this past week... instead of fasting like last year... instead of eating myself into atrophy... into chrysalis... i hurt... hung in there through the pearls of yogi path... of the path of Surrender... bowing down daily... atleast once...sometimes twice... asana-ing...

...been questioning purpose... forgetting what it is... wondering how i got to this point... glad to be away from conversations enmeshed in haterations... in identity politics... in we against the them... glad to be around universalists like my mother... father... who even in the face of adversity... discrimination... xenophobia from all races... uphold Love for all... an aspiration indeed...

...i am my mother... i am my father... they are me... that's how they move... they recognize the organism even when babylon will tear me into shreds... convince me of individualisms... that do me you do you... even when i see this hypocrisy in myself... in others who are essentially reflections of me... people like me who grew up here... family members... extended family... people who talk about spirituality and religion vs white people and yet pinch dollars like it were the hereafter... they are reminders of how narrow i may be... a reflection for me to let go... deeper...

...this past suncycled (bday) - an ashram school...

...this past winter cycle... what would the Lover do?...

...the Lover often hides in me... too hurt to holler or hang... staying within the confines of momentary happy... forgetting that every breath i take is one more step towards You...

...finally have been going public... finally have been giving myself up... Surrender... finally not coming from a place of contradiction - how do i get myself out there? into what can i contribute that could bring me and you Closer to the One...?...

...yoga/yogi roots culture/ the path of Surrender... the soof... the shawl... the poems and writings... the movement towards Greater Love... Lover... Reaching for this... does this...

...this past week of darkness has made clear how essential planning is... not to fill a void... not just to keep me from facing myself... but to offer myself... to be in a state of Work... worship... to be in a state of ALLAH-hoo-Akbar...

...the Work i have to offer only makes sense if it helps... if it hurts and grows... if it plants seeds that were never mine... and i am not the one who carries them... it was passed down... yogi is in dialogue with history... through conversations with ancestors... and in this moment... we get to shape the ancestry... to Be an ancestor... to be in conversation with a hundred years from now... a thousand... like Rumi...

...minder... matrimonial sites... places people seek Connection... may keep the spirit imprisoned... may construct 2 dimensional... i'd rather meet you in the 5 realms... in the 7 heavens... and my cards are told in tarot that sits in the bonfire spirits dance around... this is my profile... but you may seek degrees and income... career goals and capital landscapes... understandable... makes sense sis... makes sense... you have a right to seek security... grounding... all praise is due...

...my Truth seems to keep me from the mundane... and unlike the past... unlike during periods of activism... i no longer feel that my path is right... the way... but instead... a way that the One has placed me on... and may look different from your way... all praise is due for the paradox...

...rumi says what you seek is seeking you... i read a quote in a woman's profile recently about the way you see things... how it shapes what you see.. i heard a ted talk on awareness... that you are what you place your awarness on... i heard from t. robbins that if you think green... you will look for green and notice green wherever you are...

...this past week of darkness brought to fore the things that are consuming me... that sit like a furnace on my feet... keep me running... but even here... a hundred miles outside the city... i have to face me...

...the darkness is: what am i doing?... where are my kids?... where is the family?... what do i do now?... how do i get a place?... why am i still living with my folks...?... the darkness is knwoing the war and bombs and not feeling it at all... not enough to do anything...

...rumi says that the wound is the place where the Light enters You...

...to go deeper in the wound would require committing to the Work... of taking things seriously... take it serious... get serious my mother often tells me... approaching things with gravity requires commitment... being 100... 1000...

...this earth cycle i am fully committed to Working for You... being fully in the journey... with the destination in mind... the journey in being a medicine man...in doing this for You instead of for me... of fulfilling my worldly responsibilities with this... inshALLAH...

...the Work is being medicine... this means cleaning inside... is Working and Moving from this place of cleanse... of letting go of clutter... of things that i grab and hold onto that keep me from You... it means committing to the Work by fubmling forward... trying my best... i recognize one major part of this is a space... is having a space... that the space serves as healing for my ammu abbu bhaiyas family me... and those we serve... that it doesn't have to be perfect... and that things may go wrong... but commitment to space will mean commitment to place will allow for commitment to the writing, medicine, relationships... to building community through school... courses... will mean making medicine and being able to employ/support/collaborate ammu abbu others in collaboration... in meaningful work... inshALLAH...

...this earth cycle, i ask - what are my commitments? how does this fit it?... what am i doing to prioritize it... and when/if it doesn't... to move on... to be okay with letting go... saying no...

...this earth cycle... my commitments make it clear... make things more clear than foggy... as i can say no to what keeps me from You and yes to what will get me Closer to the Goals...

...winter solstice 2019...

...in the name of ALLAH... the Most Compassionate... the Most Merciful...

...i bear witness that there is no One but One and that the prophet muhammad (s.a.w) is his rasool...

...another revolution and i feel like i've devolved in some ways... this past week has been posing grave concern... challenge... anxious thought...

...here are some: i can't commit to anything... if i planned i wouldn't be trying to figure out what i'm doing with myself everyday... i'm community-less... social-less... a man-child... without a clear living situation... poor financial perspective... if i had a plan for the week - i'll leave for philly thurs and work sun-wed... i would've made some money... and been a better financial situation...

...if i was like my cousin... i would make money wherever i went... people reaching out to me... me setting up appointments... she is smart in that way... but, that's a passive way to put it... like it's a spook-thing... like she was just born with it... she works hard to be on top of her money game... i could learn from her...

...plans... my plan is to plan... to set up my calendar... starting with full moons... to have an commit to a place to live... this is the major area missing from my life at the moment... that is... altho i have a living situation at the moment... i view it as a crashpad... and have been basically living out of my luggage for the past year and 4 months... that is... i could have my crashpad be my live pad if i accepted the circumstance... but do not... it is familiar, but refrains me from growing into manhood into having company, into waking up at 4 or 5 and going to bed by 9am... from making medicine, putting kits together... having late night convo... from building towards planting seeds...

...the move is clarified... it is imminent... but requires the Work to ensure this... the Work gets curtailed by the security i occupy... that is... i do not have an eviction note that is requiring me to find a place... no kicking me out... i have to create the circumstance...

...having a place will allow me to commit to clients... building a client-base... Working... committing to courses... partners... friendship...

...priorities...

...in the name of ALLAH...

...what are your priorities??.. are you handling them?... are you meeting your responsibiltiies...?... and i don't mean just your bills and rent... although this too...

...your priorities include what You Are here to do... to manifest... to contribute... for some it comes to them earlier than others...

...i have prioritized hanging out... spending time chopping it up... saying wasup... looking to be in places to say what's up... lots of little what's going ons... in the process i've gotten little done...

... there are people who are married with kids a house car, aging parents and extended family they are resonsible for... and they are still running enterprises... still enterprising... how are you?...

...my priorities are to get some of my writings out... some meaning of the tens of thousands of pages i've written for myself... i believe that at this point it is obligatory for me to share some with the public... just a few of the pages... as i have been on borrowed time selfishly writing away... for no one other than my own sanity... and in the meantime... bombs over baghdad... israeli brutal apartheid on palestenians... the construct of violence as a way of being... noble peace prizes for the harbingers of ethnic cleansing campaigns such as the one in burma of the rohyinga... india's hindu extremists modeling themselves after trump and netanyahu... kashmir an open air prison... uyghurs... the white supremacist attack on black american lives... on muslims... on jews... on latinos... on immigrants... 

...there is the earth... the forests... the deforestation... the people who bring me to tears in their resilience... gretta... my brother... my dad... my mother... amy goodman... brian drolet... those at the forefront of struggle...

...my priorities involve elements/ingredients that are essential - a group experience... aligned with Love of the BeLoved... the Infinite... the Most Compassionate.. growing me towards Actualizing these goals... growing currency/thrive... serving others...

...an example... making medicine for a friend... if it Works... multiple of this medicine... doing this in a a shared space with others (i.e. a cooperative work space with a kitchen)... employing family and friends to do this... having this as an offering... by offering a line of homemade products similar to the people of south asia, east asia, central asia, the middle east, maghreb, west africa, east africa, south amaerica...

...the bazzaar is ancient and part of traditional cultures... to bring your harvest to the market place and barter exchange sell it to others...

...what i bring to the bazzaar is my medicines... so i prioritize working with an artist on labels... but make the medicines first... and doing it in a community space will build/Create this...

...another example... the writings... doing this as part of a workshop... holding the space for people to Workshop their novels/ writings... employing some of what i learned over the years teaching writing to offer some strategies... but keeping it circular... so others who want to contribute can as well...

...to do this i need to prioritize having/getting a space to live and Work from... one that could support my being a man... and projects i want to Work on...

...the point is.. instead of just jumping into something out of anxiety... Work to prioritize... how?... by stating the key ingredients that are essential to your priorities... for me it is...

- group/community experience... circular (discussion/discourse/interaction) and not unidirectional (i.e. lecture/concert/consumer, etc)...
- goal-centric (should enhance and Work towards my Goals - ashtanga II/III / plot arc and completed short stories and novel... medicine made, packaged and ready for sale)...
- generate currency for myself and my circle (so i am engaging in cooperative economics - keeping the $ within... employing others in my life with meaningful Work... growing self sustainable through this endeavor)...

...to ensure these elements... the immediate priority becomes having a space that i can cultivate this within... a space in which i can support other writers like myself... other medicine people... or aspirants... others on the path of growing deeper in yogi... in health... from holding classes for the elderly to multigenerational spaces to write and do yoga in...

...so what does this look like?... it means finding a place and committing to it... it means while working on that... taking circular courses in writing... yoga... in shared spaces... it means letting go of what i don't need through selling them... distributing the work to do this... 

...full moon 12:12:19...

...like scripture... the numbers read like a scriptture and Truth be told... i was not in a position to tell you anything... to share any advice... advisement... i was not in position to be a spiritual teacher... that my practices didn't reflect epiphany and a road to salvation but instead brought up hurt... insomnia... chaos in practice...

...all praise is due to ALLAH for this moment of humility... for these moments of pause... for disturbance... existential quagmire... i was certainly steeped in this as my moments of fast were contradicted with the speeches i'd rehearsed in my head to my invisible audience... that there is great growth, ascension that occurs that becomes available during fasting during the full moon...

...what i was actually experiencing this full moon was the empty... was the hollow... was the sprawl... of being a sprawl of cheaply cooked cocaine in a roach infested kitchen sitting in the veins of a needle as it stabbed into addiction...

...that's what i felt... that's what i experienced... a not knowing... a wtf?... a what's the point... a how did i get here... well into the early lay down... the outward motions indicated yogi... sufi... devout - fasting, drinking herbal teas, water, in asana... conversations... the early to bed... but 5 hours later i was still without sleep... still flipping and flopping worry... anxiety... wtf... but not getting up... until 4am... then going to the other room to lay down... to escape the freeze...

...finally... r.e.m... and suddenly waking at 7:25am... 5 mins before parking violation... leaped out of bed, leaped into the shower, into clothes, into the car... drove... did a solid 20 mins of asana after getting to work - rinsing out my joints... getting to a point of all praise is due... and then throughout the day squeezing moments here and there... working my way into a little over an hour... then doing some more at homie's place... his kids glancing over at times...

...this is what i learned on the night of the fast... of the full moon... of 12:12... that being uncomfortable is okay... that teachings have to be Real... of what is happening vs what you'd like to be... vs something that sounds beautiful... like i was at peace from the fast... no... i was in distress... i was in conundrum... i was exhausted and without sleep...

...what i learned?... that sleeplessness is an indication of Work that needs to be done... that there is war... and your body can't rest till there is peace...

...what i learned is that i should've gotten up and Worked through asana... through pranayama and dhyna... dikr and salat and dua...

...that doing these things would've benefited me... as laying around and pretending that i would fall asleep at some point did not serve me...

...i learned that i am not at peace... because i am avoiding a lot... and they linger... they are pushing out through my cell membranes like the clothes gushing out of the closet... i have too many coats, hoodies, shirts, suits...

...i learned that in going for what i really really want... instead of seeking easy ways out - instead of seeking what is easier, what is safer, what is complacent, what is less expensive, what is familiar - i need to prioritize and Work with single minded focus...

...this month's intention is to prioritize... to place priority on what is important... on what needs to get done... and do this with single minded focus... discipline...

...this month i prioritize my offerings as a medicine man - medicines that will help you, the self Love thing - tarot therapy - panchakarmas - linking up with local/global organizations to offer a percentage of all panchakarma's to their efforts - Work that You are doing towards supporting the rights dignity peace ascension of all beings... inshALLAH...

...this month i prioritize the living situation... the Our house...

...this month i prioritize those things that require immediate attention - the car, taxes, my eyes, weight, rent, bills, housing, the health of my family and friends, the writing....

...this month i prioritize the wedding of the Lover...

...this month i prioritize the completion and publishing of the writings...

...how?... by creating the circumstance... being in courses... in programs... in spaces that are growing and educational and generate income... inshALLAH...

...this month... through my Work... i meet You... and create jobs... for family... and those in need... inshALLAH...