what you seek is seeking you

spending time fixing, trying to fix, cosmetically estheticizing my website. but this is not what i seek. spending time sending out resumes for jobs that may not reflect what i am. but this is not what i seek. spending time without monetary earnings. broke is not what i seek.
spending time in front of a screen for several hours a day. staring at a screen is not what i seek.
spending time trying to figure out what my focus should be in making myself available as a medicine man. marketing, advertising, baiting, is not what i seek.
spending time without a wife, withou children, without grandchildren for my leaders. being without half of my deen is not what i seek.
crashing at my leaders, living makeshift, without home. domestic precariousness is not what i seek.
being in the company of others who are fragmented, on the run. having a tribe of fantasizers is not what i seek.

what do i seek?

a village, community, children, elders, dynamism, yoga, prayer, family meals, crops, harvests, planting, new energy, guests, exchanging value, love, sustainable community economics, purposeful, alchemist, yogi, love, loving, compost, wife, travel, support for others...diminishing in One...

is this seeking me? how? where is it?

i am told, in moments of prayer/Quiet, that if you want respect, you have to give respect, if you want love, you have to give Love, if you want community, you have to be community, if you want harvest, you have to plant, if you want home, you have to build, commit to home, if you want to serve others, then you have to serve, you have to connect with others, you have to be clear in what you want...

whatever you want, you have to be that...if you want to a lawyer, than serve others in the law, provide legal advice, help them navigate the courts...charge a fee to support yourself...if you want to be a doctor, than serve others through medicine, through caring, through their health -tocuh them, be humble to the One to channel healing, and if they heal, all praise is due to One...

...if i want to do this...the prayer...than i have to be that...