the road

...the highway cuts through forests, through what was, time...immemorial...palestine, damascus...the promise...ALLAH You are the Promise...all praise is due...hands wide open, head bowed in lamb, knees rooted in mud...

...soiled by city fumes i left for lakes and gorges in ithaca, ny, forgetting that outside this city of walkers were roads, routes, highways full of wagons, trucks, outbacks hugging the road for fear of a curve that could leave your head through sun roof, spilling out like cracked eggs, cooking on the pavement...

...july has been near death...not in the prophetic prescription...not "die before you die"...

roadkill, the road has promised a potential fate of fatal several times this month...these past few weeks...a reminder, a sign, if only i would think, if only...

presence, being present, being in this, being here, the destination, taking it in deeper than a puff, more than the bud scraping through alveoli into an exchange with carbon for helium, for a head to float like a red balloon in the seventies, paris, in queens, ny, riding fantasies of assimilation into modern, into erasure of bangla, saris, bhindi's, soft-speak, holdi and marich...

...erased myself into the idol ALLAH admonished through ikra, gnosis, the Knowledge of Self from ancient mathematics, the language of Quiet, of the humility that is present in the clothes, dance, speak, spices of ammu and abbu and foofathabhons and bhais...

...up until me, the language of my family has been a continuum, thousands and thousands of years old, in a dialogue with the generation before...

...the difference with the modern world, with what is the west (all over the world), is the new buildings that go up everywhere, new houses, tiny or not, ergonomic or oil-choking...it is in a state of constant deomlition, razing the past, and reconstructing the new...the motto is echoed in marketing, in advertisements for clothes - out with the old, in with the new...echoes are heard in prorgessive circles, among activists...

..the difference is that reverence for tradition is lost, dialogue becomes didacticism, elders become old folk...

...the opportunity is to continue discourse...keep your tongue wet with ALLAH...your heart beat in percussion to the rhythm of ALLAH...inshALLAH

more than blind faith

...all praise is due for the Rabil'al'ameen  - the Essence behind all realms...that is all realms

...in the name of ALLAH, the Most Compassionate, the Most Merciful...

compassion and mercy left her face when she asked me to go handle it...the situation...the one with the dude at the club, the one who stood like a refrigerator from a guerilla plane in kabul, about to drop, to let go, to surrender into a purpose of fragments...

...the situation was that he was an asshole, that he was disrespectful, that he was a jerk, that he was a bad boyfriend...

...i was there as an elder in my 26...and before blind rage, before my eyebrows became knives, and my nose cocked like a trigger, before my tongue lashed scars...i asked her...what do you mean? how?

afterall, i didn't know anything about this dude...i only knew that she used some adjectives that were packed with a variety of connotation...and more importantly, i knew her character from our 2 days of hanging out as capricious, judgemental, dishonest...

...that is, there are people i place blind faith in, not because i wish to be ignorant of the whole picture, but because they are in the walk of jesus and muhammad, of gnadhi and x...just a word, and it's queens to brooklyn, mlk to che...

...came up to dude...refrigerator, my hands in anjali mudra, bowed down, bowed with love, from my Highest...to Yours...

he smiled, warm, his eyes the color of humility, his hand holding a glass of water...he was clearly out of place here, in the club...dragged here by a group of friends who wanted to celebrate an organizational victory over the police brutality incident in the bronx last year...

...hey brother...pardon, i said, i'd like to ask you a question...a couple questions... maybe a few, i said, coming close to his ear...was wondering if we could go for a walk...

.........

near...close to the flat line

...saw it...

breathed through it as the car spun, orbits of streaks on the highway...

in and out of the road, lost control of the steering wheel, the break, the gas...

the car spun again, one last time, into a tree...

...air bags, smoke...

what if the car becomes fireworks, a cloud? i thought...

...took off the seat belt, the key was stuck...walked out barefoot in one leg, the other limped forward...

i walked out into the thorny bush, into the road...

...put on my shoe...stood there for a moment, looked back at the car...

watched the guy in the farm across the street mow the lawn in his tractor, watched a few cars whiz by...

...one car turned around...came back...a middle aged lady walked out, concern wrinkling her face, asked me if i was alright...

...yes...

come over to the shade, she said.

i did. stood there...

she asked me if i called 911. not yet, i said...was about to...

...the car was totaled, crushed on one side in the front...no other vehicle, no other person involved...just me...

...the car was totaled, and somehow i walked out unscathed

...somehow...

...all praise is due to the One-ness...

...so i am still here...and what occurred was regret...was the exercise of the end, what would you regret if this was it? a written exercise in one of the self-help/thrive/etc books i read...maybe 7 habits of...maybe...

...what would you regret if this was it...if you met your end in this manifestation as human being...???...

...i would regret the obligations i haven't fulfilled...the transformation i've avoided...the first this then that apporach that has kept me in shadows...that has kept me from movement...

...i would regret the responsibilities i haven't fulfilled to my immediate family, my extended family, my extended extended in friends, my extended extended in other beings - humans and other species - 2-leggeds, 4-leggeds, plant life, marine life, water, air...

...what i learned is that no amount of money is worth compromising dreams, and dreams being that which is more than about me or just you, or any one individual, but about passing the torch towards ascension into One-ness...

...no lack of money can stop you from fulfilling that which you are here to serve...serve...open hands, open arms...maintain focus...this is more than about you...and at once, your presence is utterly needed to fulfill that which needs fulfilling...

...work...stay focused as you work...put aside the phone...maintain transparency with all those around...you will not always be able to get to the phone...or email...or text...or fb...be clear...present...

...presence through focus, through work...through annicha...

...what happened was neither good nor bad...it was a lesson, a sign...

...the sign has been to give yourself over to presence, through focus and work...be fully present...the Lover...isa (s.a.w)...work with vulnerability, tears, laughter...but maintain clear focus - eyes, ears, smell, touch...

...taste the air you are breathing now...as you work, as you move towards destination, which is in the work itself...

...things can no longer be the same...movement is different...the ancient ways of the cosmos becomes more prevalent...the orbits of rituals make more sense - prayerss asanas, pranayamas, meditaitons, eliminations, hydration, detox, meals, goondooshas - kriyas...

...and now...with these anchors...give yourself over to Infinite...to Knowing that as you work towards truth there is no money, no walls, no class, that stands in the way...the Way is in the work, the moment to moment, through the release of, giving up of meaning in money, in that which you see is in your way...through the doing of what you have to do...for me - make medicine, hold space for those who wish to be in a space of healing, of healing others, of connecting with that which is Always...

...in this moment...this blog...my ALL...the friend who sits before me...my ALL...the place i reside in...Peace...the kitchen to make the medicine...heal - heart to heart...the house to hold space, cultivate healing chambers of svedhana, shidrodhara, abhyanga, education to carry forth the Way...the car to transport safely...the Love to maintain vulnerability...to be in full Trust...

...all praise is due...

full moon july 2017

sun and moon are close in proximity to my revolution this year - birth and rebirth - in the way landscapes and fireflies cultivate theatre - a resplendent display of fireworks...

emperor n i watched it, in his backyard, leaving the 4th of july party by cayuga lake just before, as the sun barely dipped into the water and i bowed down on grass - maghrib - behind american flags and the beginnings of the thunder of explosive colorful lights...

we drove off....emperor testing our ability to disconnect from gps - drone technologies that have replaced our brains on the road - he kept his phone tucked into his thigh, and we paid careful attention to landmarks in the backcountry...

we made it for 10 minutes, before re-plugging...on the rest of the drive we drank air gushing in tidal waves through the window...

...when we got home, we immediately went outside, in the back, over 20 acres of a once farm-land, now an idyllic landscape of monet's...

...that's where we saw it - the fireworks - the ones put on by the thousands of summer fireflies in a mating dance...

nothing...no fireworks display i ever saw - and we both agreed - could compare to this display of Lights in sacred geometrics...

...emperor and i nodded at each other...he went between laughing wildly, his feline green eyes glowing into laughter...

last full moon i was looking to let go of waiting by doing, by being proactive...to actualize instead of waiting for actualization...

...as part of this...i have left comfort...amidst a moment of precariousness...i have departed what i understood as home to find, build home...to fulfill Purpose...i am clear now that i am a medicine man, not due to degrees or titles, nor a great deal of knowledge, but because of Knowing in and trusting in the Infinite...instead of waiting for home to fall on my lap, i am actively seeking...

overhaul everything, yogini gave me this advice as a gift for my sun cycle, when i asked...

...this month, in the suncycle of giving, i give fully into focus, giving up the sentiment of can't, not good enough, undeserving, etc., rejected...i give into focus in daily ritual and in actualizing home, business, path...

...just this past week i learned of focus beyond emotional pulls through the lessons of annica...due to hesitating, not acting fast enough, i lost the opportunity to have my own pad...i was down, hurt, started questioning whether i should just return to the city, where things were familiar...but then i recalled annicha, recalled AllahuAkbar - ALLAH is greater than moment, any ephemeral emotional state...and all emotional states are short-lived...

...that's when i texted the landlord who denied me, and asked him if he had other properties...after days of apartment/room hunting, i was growing, but dikr in Infinite reminded me that this was a moment, like all moments, a response to a phenomenon, and that it would cease...he told me he had a room...i hit the pedal and rushed over to him...the room and the common areas, shared by 4 other random roommates, was straight out of the seedy hotels in india...it was filthy...all of it...so bad, i wondered how this landlord could get away charging anything for it...

...then i got a call from a lady responding to a space i was interested in, but the price was high and they needed a 6 month commitment...so it wouldn't work...i saw a number on a building as i walked towards my car...called...left a message...strike after strike after strike...

...as i was driving, i saw another number for rentals on a building...i called and after 7 rings, the lady that answered the phone said she had something for me, in my price range. it was definite she said. she told me meet her the following day at 9....i was so thrilled, i told everyone - my friend who i'm crashing with, my brother...invited him and one of the other homies to come through and stay with me...God is good, i was thinking...

...woke up early enough to pray, do asana, pack, stuff my car, make breakfast, and tea, shower and with 10 minutes to meeting her, i was doing 75 down a 45...

...five minutes away from the spot, i get a call...it was the lady i 'd spoken with last night. it's a no-go she said, sorry.

...this time though, i was neither sad nor distraught...this time, i got the lesson...

...i was supposed to experience this emotional vacillation, this monkey mind in full action - ready to latch on the whatever it feels pleasure in, and hang from what it feels as pain...

...this time, i learned the importance of 5 times a day...of the importance of non-negotiable rituals that have no monetary value to them - cannot be bought or sold, nor packaged nor marketed...

...before i met the lady, i did what i always do - rleieve my body of yesterdays junk, ablutions, prayer, asana, goondoosha, prepare breakfast, take a shower, oil up...

after speaking with her, i found a cafe to sit in, and went straight to set out my day - imminent things i needed to get done - get gas, oil for the car engine, get a belt, find a place. instead of losing a focus, i worked wth great discipline and equanimity till i sent out a dozen requests for housing...then i set forth getting my tasks done...after, i did my asana practice in the park...

...even the friend i ran into, who wanted to catch up and shoot the breeze, i realized, was, only an emotional refuge...my asana practice was more important, told him i had a session ahead of me...

...the lesson in moving forward this month, even as my situation remains precarious, is to give myself over to focus, working diligently towards this end, and trusting in the Infinite, without growing too attached to the outcome...annicha, annicha

give in give up

3 july 1974. 3 july 1978 3 july 1999 3 july 1996 3 july 2011 3 july 2007 3 july 1952 3 july 1941 3 july 1906 3 july 1912 3 july 1499 3 july 641 3 july 4300 b.c.e

threes...because ALLAH is connected with through odd numbers, undivisible by race class gender sexual orientation...

my struggle is the fabric i've come to adorn, the pumas and skinny jeans, v-neck grey fading tee and mane of hair rolling over my head like a tidal wave in a the middle of a desert....bald and eagling through seasons of life...seasoned only through You...

bow down to You...and harangued by crowds of u.s. mother of bombs, turned into rubble and debris in the same earth your ancestors are buried in...

...you just killed yourself when you dropped that bomb you dropped and album dedicated to death...if only they would think, the Recitation repeats like a chorus, like a hook, like a head nodding...

nod when i see You...when i hold my hands in anjali mudra and salute me in you and you in me ad infinitum...all praise is duing...always all praise is duing for this opp...

what's the opp? this time it's to become, to crack the shell of this cocoon that i've come to wear like probation ankle bracelets, looking out the window for the p.o. wondering if he spotted my crufew break...wanting to sit down and explain to him that it was to pray...to bow down...in the forest, in  the mosque of ALLAH...wanting to explain to you that my words are channels of existence in realms that float and not me...

but alright...

it'll be alright...more than all right...

reach...High...reach...got it...

7.3.17 sun cycle 2017

don't feed the wolf...the elder sister told me, staring at me intently and passively
the wolf is our desire for material, for tastes, for food...it is desire, and builds a garbage pile, obstructs our spirit...she said, her orange hair pasted on her luminscent skin, slight veins working through her face...
i asked for her any wisdom, insight, she might have for my new sun cycle. she was sitting next to me, on the same bench in the cafe. her girl friend, had gone to the bathroom. we looked at each other intently, locked eyes, said hi. that's when i asked her.
her friend returned, beamed sunny blue eyes at me, as the women i was speaking with told her my suncycle was coming up
mine is too, she said.
ah yes, fellow cancerian.
yes, we are said to be tenacious.
yeah? how so?
we go after what we want, without inhibition.
it resonated. held true for me.
we said bye.

i asked yogini later. after she came to meet me at the cafe, and we walked around astoria for an hour.
yogini said that she thought about this since our last meeting, that if i truly wanted to have a family, i needed to become independent, to find a way to stand on my own two feet, to be able to be on my own, take care of myself so i could take care and provide for others.
anything else? i asked her, as we were about to part ways.
yes. overhaul everything.
ok.
yes, everything that you are comfortable with, that keeps you in a place of complacency.

have a clear destination, my homie said, as i watched him smoke, outside and around the bend from the cafe, after we hugged, after i thanked him for being a big part of this past sun-cycle...he said i had a strong tool kit, that unlike many i was moving towards what i was here for, but that i needed to stabilize as well, that i need to touchdown, get grounded. destination rung in my head - in regards to place/home, and work/purpose - as we walked back, him, flicking the cigarette mindfully below the wheels of rough riders burning the pavement, and me watching his long neck gracefully hold a thousand tears back, as he turned around, eyes welling, said peace.

your season to just wander aimlessly has passed, my brother, one-who-Knows, said, a little challenged by my carpiciousness in making any decisions about our road plans for the weekend...the morning, of, and i still had no plans...you gotta have a plan he said...a loose one, but something...a day later, after we were in a cafe on the day of the eclipse of sun and moon in a return to womb, i asked him if he had additional insight in my moving forward...you have a lot going for you, he said, you've already invested a lot of life into your purpose...this is rare, he said, white curtains and the botuique town of rosendale flickering in his golden eyes. now is the time to use it...and if you are challenged in sustaining yourself financially, then take on a job that doesn't exhaust you, nor is rote, but meaningful and yet with enough pause to grant you respite in pursuing your Purpose....so move with Purpose...work...be fearless in this work

the couple that came earlier to this mama-pappa cafe, who smiled, who asked how i was doing, who i got into convo on upstate vs downstate conversation with, told me to keep doing what i was doing, you seem positive and open, continue this, and maintain who You Are, wherever you are...the guy, said...his girl, when he looked over at her, said, try something new this year...

during my second vinyasa, spoke to my queen mother...asked her for advice for this suncycle - a house and a wife she said. inshALLAH...

all in all, what i'm hearing is stand on your own two by giving up your sense of comfort/complacency, and becoming through being that which is Always wherever you are, whoever you are around...and in this trusting, actualize that which seems impossible, challenging, difficult, unfamiliar...as doing that which is difficult, or unfamiliar, will grow you so long as you understand that it's not that you can't because you haven't, but you can by asking how can I...and trust 1000 percent that it will happen, because the One is Infinite...

give up your sense of complacency/security and give fully into what you are here for by trusting completing in the Infinite  through work, through seeing through the maya - that which is annica can only stop you if you allow it to, if you believe in it...

i believe in You...i believe in a house...

giving up

all praise is due for this giving up, hands up, head down, walk straight through the hollow tips fired by police who see guantanamo when i see Love in my Surrender to One...

give up this body and walk on water, unparted and and flowing in a moon dance...no food no water, ramadhan and still walking like a million stars on my sahasrara...

brilliant...already...yeah...already...no beginning no end King...i see You...

give up any attempts to believe in the story of material of non-self, of realms of capital that caged me before i realized the keys were hidden in my throat, kept me choked and ready to potentially burst into tears at any moment for years...until i cried so hard  - blood, regrets, and these keys...

...opened the door before suhoor, before any more meals, in this state of fast, of releasing the anamayakosha, in becoming...

...walked into trust, without guilt or expectation, without trying, just doing, right out the fourth floor window, before i heard the older tenants permanently fixed on the stoop plead with me not to, before i heard the hipsters call the feds for a security threat...floated right into a flight below icarus and above planes that left chemotrails like thousands of nooses for birds bees and humans...

...give up...learning to give up the food body, to do from a place of Always, to work from a place of Always...non-competition, non-stealing, satya in body, thoughts, and speech...don't you worry....

...paused at the corner of the highway...walked out of the car and floated into the trees, bowed my head there...

...rooted in Quiet...with the medicine i had...without pride...without perfection, trusting You...there is only You...it was Always You...