fast day 9 autumn 2017: completion

...schools, classes, circumstance creates/instills institutional bonds, mandatory social interaction, a potentially beautiful coercion...this can be work, a course, a program, a band, an organization...

lone-gun-menship leads you to maintaining loner-ism...loner-ism leaves you apart from the puzzle...from being part of the resolve of this human condition...

...what is the human condition?...it is the poetry of those who feel so much their kitchori leaves others in tears...leaves them in laughter, in joy and pain, as is the case with ammu's meals - joy and pain...

..the human condition is as varied as the diversity of life on planet earth...but seems like there are some binds - feels like there is some pain we are sharing...my pain and your pain...however dis-similar, is pain, is an experience, leads us to hang our heads low, slip into existential quagmire...

...as i write, kids, men, women in syria r being slaughtered, bombs dropped on them, in the name of stopping terrorism, we are annhilating entire cultures, peoples, ways of life...

...we meaning me and you...

...not in jail...whew...not in the hospital...not crippled...not homeless...not without family and friends...and yet...

...at the conclusion of this fast, i realize the centrality of joy and pain in the life of humans, in my life...how i seek joy and avoid pain...and yet, also understanding that pain is possible because of the joy i seek...

...if joy is in seeing someone, in being in their presence, in holding them, in taking strolls with them...then what happens when they are not around for this, what if/when they can't hang, or hold, or has others they are doing this with instead...then pain...then hurt...we become children...we've learned co-dependence instead of interdependence...

...in interdependence, nothing happens alone, work is bee-hive, community, and yet, there is independence in your duty, in collecting honey, pollen, in doing your duties to the hive...you maintain focus, regardless of whether you will live or die...you do for the cause...

..what is the cause?...what is your cause...?...

...my cause is to re-establish ancient-mathematics, tribal relations, build tribe, build community, sustain community, through this medicine...through writing, and herbs, and movement...

...at the conclusion of this fast, this deeply emotional fast, in the shedding of weight, and past lives, in the growth of weakness in the ana-maya-kosha, i realize the importance of unconditional Love, of presence, of work as worship, as the prophet said...i realize the importance of being meditative in the movement of moment to moment...shhh...of commitment to a place, and people, to grow deeper in the work...i realize the importance of complete honesty...from the inside out...of being honest with Self...

...is my hanging out with you for you or for me?...do we/i seek out pleasure like an addict seeks heroin?...am i hanging with you because it makes me feel good or it makes you feel good?...been contemplating this question, based on the questions and teachings of goenka-ji of vipassana...

...this past week of fasting has made clear the importance of meditation, of reserved meditation, but also the moment to moment...

...like my daily asana practice, a non-negotiable that takes me deeper...is applying these principles off the mat...of doing this in my medicine making...letting myself grow deep through the practice...just as i did after the initial teachings i received in india...growing deeper over the years...just as i have begun to with prayer, learning more surahs, learning to pause...to apply vinyasa to exchanging in the marketplace - medicines, courses, clients, cooking food as medicine for others to support their cleaning, their deeper beauty...in sharing yogum...in growing deeper in ayurveda...in these writings...

...asana is a discipline...and things happen in the practice...apply this practice to the areas you are working on growing in...if you are healthy...what is the purpose of you being healthy? what r u doing with it? how r u using your health?...

...create the institutional circumstance to ensure your movement forward...do it with equanimity, with understanding that each moment is potentially deeply emotional that can be ama, that can be stuck and glue in your brain and emotions and body, or it can be a breath that you take in, appreciate, and release...

...appreciate and let go...remember...muhammad (s.a.w) is dead, ALLAH is Infinite (-abu bakr)...

fast day 6 autumn 2017

all praise is due...even when the skies are grey and the clouds thick with wonder...all moments pass, whether you are eating or fasting...

...this is often the lesson in asana practice, that you are in virabadrasana, and your thighs begin to burn, and your arm starts to shake, and you just want it to be over....this is where asana is merged with pratyahara....concentration...what is your point of concentration? what are you focused on? if you are focused on pain, on the sensations of your body, you will buckle, you will grow irritable, you will desire the relief...if your pratyahara is as witness, as witness to this body, to observing it, to maintaining breath, to focusing on center...a letting go occurs...depth grows...

...concentration leads to dharana, to a state of meditation...

...if you are seeking glory...

...if you are seeking Glory...then shhh..then work...the watch, then witness....

...work...today's lesson in day 3 of the no food portion of the fast, is that the streams flow, maintain a focus in their flow, work in community with the rocks, valleys, ground that holds them...

...todays lesson is that Love is not an act of emotion but an act of aligning with Essence...Essence is ubiquitous...and the alignment happens through work...

...this is why the greatest moments of ecstasy a human can experience, in my estimation, is when they work through something tough, and reach the other side of it...

...for instance...getting through a jail sentence, or surviving a brush with death, or a loved one surviving a brush with death, or a challenging yoga sequence, pose, a challenging hike, a presentation, an album release...a party...there is the fear of what will happen, of the unknown, of what if no one...what if i get locked up...what if i look stupid and fall in this pose...what if i don't make it...

...the what-if's are the voice of doubt that keep us at bay, that keep us from doing, that keep us looking for lines of safety to withdraw into...but that might ultimately land you in jail, if you are facing it and not working to get yourself free...that might get you killed, if you are facing death and not working to survive...that will keep in mediocrity...

...what steps you up is doing, is trying, is giving it your all...from a place of Greater than you...for the sake of balance...of humanity, of trees, of tribe - your folks...

...this fast brings up these moments of emotion...of sinking in them...of defaulting on safety...but the discipline, the fact that i said it, keeps me going, just like when i practice asana...it's something i do...its not for anyone...but how can it benefit others? how can it help...?...rubicks cube...unlock the body by letting go of fears, of shame, of attachment...

and that's what i was telling emperor, when he was asking me what i was fasting for...hadn't thought about it....or no one else had asked...i said it was seasonal, to align with our planetary spheres, to let go and shed and shift, just as our planet was, in it's tilt of axis, as the weather grows from hot and dry to cooler and rainy...an opportunity to release the fire built up this summer, the one that led me to scorch my path...release fire and grow equaninmous...

...in aligning with the planets, with our earth, i am aligning with trees and rivers, and Mahat, Brahama...that which is Always...in stepping away from food, from eating, i am able to witness the body's cravings, desires, the notes it makes about all the things it will eat, it wants to eat...watching the emotional body...how strong it is...the sense of emotions is strong and dangerous when it is tied to ego, when it becomes an identity...

...in the letting go...the focus is on the work...on the importance of the work...not competition, but the work that needs to get done...work...like your life depended on it...with great pause, and Peace...

fast day 5 autumn 2017

...liquids...since yesterday...watching this body...observing its lusts and desires...

toni morrison said that if you want to fly, you have to give up that ish that weighs you down...

...wha's weighing you down?...

...i'm realizing that i'm holding a lot....alot alot...i'm carrying mess from childhood, mess that keeps me in a constant state of appearances, audiences, this desire to be affirmed, to get validation from you and you and you, and my attitude, at once, contradicts this - i don't care - but i do...i care deeply...but the depth isn't from a place of Real, but a place of iodlization, of believing the lies, the hurt, the cuss words, epithets, all of it...believe it, even though i didn't, even though i went through life...believed it and tucked it deep inside, deeper than the blade behind my teeth, deeper than the coke that mules hold in their flights here from coke capitals...

...what does it mean? how is it still here? how after decades of fasting, of 14 years of consciousness in body and movement and breath, and food, and fasts within this context...well...because i was holding on - held tight to vices - to lines of hydroxyl groups bound to saturated carbons...to puff and music that destroyed my spirit, to clothes that required seals of approval...it goes on..

these adornments have been coming off a little at a time...but just a little...then there are things that are still here...i'm noticing...in this fast...in taking a step away from eating...and watching, instead how much i'm addicted to emotional states - to wanting to feel good, to approval and how i am hurt, and in avoidance of those states that feel like pain...i see this in yoga, in how i don't let myself fall from handstand, how i will use muscle to get out...

...brute force only sustains the issue, builds up sanskaras...impressions that become like lines on cement...been heating them....watching molten rock, watching this volcanic river i am swimming in...

...goenka-ji tells ue to avoid the joy-ride, to avoid the seeking of pleasure, as it neccessarily leads to the avoiding of pain...unless you are really going deep...as we see with some people in their practice...

...i go deep with yoga...am disciplined in my practice...and, as i seek this off the mat...look forward to doing this with medicine making...set the clock for an hour, and get to work...

...observing the emotions...observing asif, the author of these words, the one who identifies with the flotsam of jetsam of identities in compiling his own...the one who is sensitive to the world, to others, who is at once seeking escape from sensory assault and at once desiring stimulation, to be wanted, regarded, validated...through a piece of the pie...

...guess i didn't realize i've been after the devil's pie all this time...only thought of it as money, as capitalism, and not the culture this inculcates - seeking the capital of validation, acceptance, of fitting in to you, to money, to subcultures, to...

...observing when it happens, where it feels, the drop of heart and twist of eyebrow, the neural pathways that signal for certain types of music that will generate the abysmal frequency that fruther traps me into this...these sanskaras, impressions that begin to need a bridge to cross...

...observing, as witness, breathing deep, and letting go...notcing the addiction to thought, to thinking of that which keeps me from You, thinking, hurting, perplexing...because this mind is addicted to thought, to seeking pain and pleasure, and melancholy and laughter...

...observing and acknowledging through breath, through, traveling with the thought for a little while a s a witness, to get to root of where it comes from, to then weed the roots of lies, let go...

fast day 4 autumn 2017

...blessings...to You...to You...

...noticing patterns...repetition...redundancy...addictions to: hurt, love, anticipation, disappointment, pretending, keeping it in, noncommital-ness...

...my path is the same as yours - to Love, to Give, to Surrender...to do this through work, as work is what keeps us in a state of communion, of giving, of loving, of being a positive member of this and the next world - do good deeds, ALLAH repeats, a mantra in the Recitation...good deeds...

...deeds are work...what are your deeds...good deeds are work that is in service, that supports others...that is uncompromised in loving, giving...is ammu cooking for 30 3 days in a row, 1900 weeks in a row - a state of meditation - work...

...my patterns are to avoid doing that which needs to get done, to deviate, to get distracted easily, to get distracted in fantasy...to mono-focus on this, to do this in a way that is injurious, burdensome to my spirit, that interferes with my work...

...in the absence of distractions, i am consumed in finding distractions - being behind this screen for several hours a day, scavenging for jobs, putting out resumes, blogging, sipping coffee and growing emotionally ravenous...sending out messages to friends and family to express my Love...being a phone-texting jesus...

...the real isa was amidst crowds and people, walked fearlessly, did fearlessly...died fearlessly...

...i once heard that in order to know what your life means, it's important to know what you are willing to die for...

...the movements of the 40's, 50's and 60's were particularly gravitational for people i knew, because it was clear to see that there were many people willing to die for a cause, and that cause was a movement to shape, change society towards a better world...no more colonialism, not more subjugation, no more oppression, no more exploitation...instead, there would be new nations that practiced egalitarianism...this propelled many...not just the ideas, but the fact that people, the majority of people, were being subjugated ruthlessly, and felt no other choice, but to choose a movement...

...the circumstances of extreme oppression on a mass, societal level, by clear faces of an oppressor class, created opportunity for mass movement... what does that now?...

...are people drawn to making change based on changing society towards equality?...seems like the change most are working on is to be able to fit in...that my brown-ness should be able to engage in capitalism just like your whiteness and blackness and yellowness... that my religion should be able to play exploiter just like you do...

...the issue is, this for me, misses the mark...it's more reactionary...

...what would hit the mark? building alternative self-sustainable communities that are self-reliant, that are interdependent, that are accountable to a Higher power, to a deeper cause...

...what is that deeper cause? to reach heaven, to be plural, to work towards re-forestation, towards being aligned with earth and not earth as something in the way for us to align into our needs...the deeper cause would be here-after - the stars - reaching mars - ancient mathematics...

...culture has the potential to change entire ways of being...today, there are numerous subcultures, and subcultures based on subcultures...they change things...they have the power to change things...

...on day 4, as i spilled my guts out...as i watched weight slip under me...i also watched trepidations of the heart, mind, of fantasies. of these fantasies keeping from the Plan, and Work...

...keep the Work in focus...there is a great deal of work to do...be fearless in your Work...

...my Work is to build schools of traditional medicine that instill the values of Love...this is the long term... the immediate is the herbal blends, which can lead to discussion, classes, economic self-sustenance, employment of others...

fast day 2 autumn 2017

all praise is due...disturbed, perturbed, in search of home...in contemplation of those without a home, displaced by war...

...somehow we are tied together, those bombed and those doing the bombing...i must be part of the camp doing the bombing as i am doing nothing to stop it, other than tear up during my yoga practice in the morning...

...somehow, those of us in a space of angst, alienation in the modern world, strangled by our own desire for, sense of freedom, our constant state of rebellion fostered by hollywood, fox and mtv, and the seemingly alternative cultures that offer a seeming opposition...we are strangled by this, by this individualism, deeply steeped in it...immersed in our alone-ness, and yet wanting, longing for something deeper...

...the deeper, is a threat...threatens our very sense of existence, because it is Real...and the Real takes us away from our sensory addictions, from our sense of want and taste and 85% dark chocolate with buckwheat honey in place of sugar (as is the case for me)...

...home...this is what i realized today...this is what i was seeking in my walk everywhere...in my scatter towards somewhere a friend may be...just to feel a grounding, just to feel secure enough to work, to get some work done...

...abbu always tells me, when we speak, when i am away from him, how he wants to eat better and even incorporate yoga into his life...but then when i get there, when i get to him, when i am not away, he is reading, or on his ipad, or going to a meeting to save the world...he does this with full breath...

...we, us from this tribal background, us who are splintered from our ancestral ways, we seek home, and when we are home, we can do everything else...in the absence, we are out of water, huffing, seeking water in bars, supermarkets, shopping...

...home...is with One...and the One is ubiquitous...the One is Always, Infinite, before this body i occupy, and after it is shed...before these words and after...it is written...the arabic is in the genes, at the center of each cell...

...home is in letting go of these constructs that keep me from you, keep me from sharing, seeing you as separate, of shortchanging anyone...of with-holding...give...give...be kind...let go...give...here are beads and books and touch...give...laugh and cry...

this fast i learn to take on the teaching of the prophet of universalism - bow down to All...the Highest in me, to the Highest in You...and move like it...like the autistic brother who came up to me randomly, on the street, and asked me my name, and if i wanted to be friends...expect nothing in return, and when there is even negativity, a suck of teeth or a dirty look, continue to give Love...

...unconditional Love is the lesson of the day....

fast day 1 autumn 2017

your house is full of Mystery, of that which is unKnown, for people who run, rush, move in fast forward...people like myself....

...hence the fast... hence the Return...

...at this point, i have no science for you, for this fast, to quote, other than the observations based on ancient mathematics that reside in equations within my nucleus, which, at every moment transferring information to be transcribed and executed through the protein structures the compose our symphony...

...today i observed the addict, the whisperer, the one there are specific prayers to ward off, clothes and a covering of the head, to guard the sahasarara, the 1000 lotus petal connected to Always, and tampered with in the cell towers of babylon conversations, music...

...began this morning with de la soul, and even threw on drake, before i realized that this fast is to re-connect with more than a moment of assimilation into crowd funded idolization...

...as i entered the cafe, i considered coffee...it would be cheaper than the fresh juice...it would give me a lift, leave me with a sense of sattva...

in a merryground, at each juncture of the day, i bowed down...recalled that if i have time to be behind this screen, to read and research, to chill and browse clothes at the second-hand...then i have time to surrender this mind in total to One...

...the fast, in accord with some of the principles of ayurveda, and the prescripts of the guru muhamma (s.a.w), at this point, consists of 2 meals of kitchori - a late late breakfast, and an early early dinner: 12:15 and 4:30pm...

...the music has transitioned into baul...to instruments in worship of pure Essence....all praise is due...

...the clarity has grown...from a place of despondence in money/family blues, the blues of an ancient world and culture my tribe and i r permanently amputated from...into a place of work from a place of reflection, equanimity in that which must be done...

...returning to a place of unconditional Love, Peace, when i see You, when i dress, when i anoint myself with your Essence through prayer, pause, gratitude, hope...

...there is work to be done...to bring glory to the Glory...all praise is due for those in Surrender, for bauls, qari's, the tribes of Quiet...

full moon september 2017

...all praise is due, all praise is always due, all praise was due last year and the year before and the day after today when i will be inside

...water under the sea, a million leagues into the oceans of the One-ness...

when i reunite, and today, during the drive, the one that took a thousand minutes, five to 9 hours, from 6 am onwards, wondering of time and fruitfulness, of how to tap into productivity, that on...

the run on, the one that never ends...


...today i never ended

...again

...and tomorrow, or tonight, later, next minute...

 i don't know about...there is something to be said about the wind as it falls at the edge of the earth flattended by the footsteps of gravity and the pull of the sun...

i made sense once, before i came here, to this destitution, the institutional nightmare that prescribes methanol as freedom and packages yoga into  a bead and a mat, today...

...today, as i reflect on the weight of this harvest moon, the fall seasons, the letting go, the letting go of being non-committal in all things, in holding on to patterns, of letting go of these patterns..i let go of that which is an impediment to mankind in the 2000's - me, the ego, the one that repeats the patterns of storylines that impact my cousins, keep them unemployed, keep them scraping, the one that keeps my parents incarcerated in economic rigamarole, the one...

...this month, this coming month, i let go of patterns of poverty, of conditional-ness, of the patterns that are behind this, the thought process behind this...perfection -the one day, when it's just right....

this month i let go of the perfectionism that keeps me in a state of hoarding onto the gifts that are not mine, but belong to the One-ness, the ones that i tuck into my waist like a stolen bar of gold and chocolate...

...this month, instead, in letting go of the perfectionsim of produciton, i embrace the vulnerability of output, because it has to be produced -the herbs, the letting go of books, and clothes and things, that i hold on to, because of a perfect moment of having an online store, a thrift shop,  a one day...

...let go an praise You in the letting forth...all praise...all hail...You...it's You...

...i see You and let go my guards, let go of the constructs that keep from expressing Love, giving, working...all praise is due...