...liquids...since yesterday...watching this body...observing its lusts and desires...
toni morrison said that if you want to fly, you have to give up that ish that weighs you down...
...wha's weighing you down?...
...i'm realizing that i'm holding a lot....alot alot...i'm carrying mess from childhood, mess that keeps me in a constant state of appearances, audiences, this desire to be affirmed, to get validation from you and you and you, and my attitude, at once, contradicts this - i don't care - but i do...i care deeply...but the depth isn't from a place of Real, but a place of iodlization, of believing the lies, the hurt, the cuss words, epithets, all of it...believe it, even though i didn't, even though i went through life...believed it and tucked it deep inside, deeper than the blade behind my teeth, deeper than the coke that mules hold in their flights here from coke capitals...
...what does it mean? how is it still here? how after decades of fasting, of 14 years of consciousness in body and movement and breath, and food, and fasts within this context...well...because i was holding on - held tight to vices - to lines of hydroxyl groups bound to saturated carbons...to puff and music that destroyed my spirit, to clothes that required seals of approval...it goes on..
these adornments have been coming off a little at a time...but just a little...then there are things that are still here...i'm noticing...in this fast...in taking a step away from eating...and watching, instead how much i'm addicted to emotional states - to wanting to feel good, to approval and how i am hurt, and in avoidance of those states that feel like pain...i see this in yoga, in how i don't let myself fall from handstand, how i will use muscle to get out...
...brute force only sustains the issue, builds up sanskaras...impressions that become like lines on cement...been heating them....watching molten rock, watching this volcanic river i am swimming in...
...goenka-ji tells ue to avoid the joy-ride, to avoid the seeking of pleasure, as it neccessarily leads to the avoiding of pain...unless you are really going deep...as we see with some people in their practice...
...i go deep with yoga...am disciplined in my practice...and, as i seek this off the mat...look forward to doing this with medicine making...set the clock for an hour, and get to work...
...observing the emotions...observing asif, the author of these words, the one who identifies with the flotsam of jetsam of identities in compiling his own...the one who is sensitive to the world, to others, who is at once seeking escape from sensory assault and at once desiring stimulation, to be wanted, regarded, validated...through a piece of the pie...
...guess i didn't realize i've been after the devil's pie all this time...only thought of it as money, as capitalism, and not the culture this inculcates - seeking the capital of validation, acceptance, of fitting in to you, to money, to subcultures, to...
...observing when it happens, where it feels, the drop of heart and twist of eyebrow, the neural pathways that signal for certain types of music that will generate the abysmal frequency that fruther traps me into this...these sanskaras, impressions that begin to need a bridge to cross...
...observing, as witness, breathing deep, and letting go...notcing the addiction to thought, to thinking of that which keeps me from You, thinking, hurting, perplexing...because this mind is addicted to thought, to seeking pain and pleasure, and melancholy and laughter...
...observing and acknowledging through breath, through, traveling with the thought for a little while a s a witness, to get to root of where it comes from, to then weed the roots of lies, let go...
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