...the day before the day before the end of the 2010's...

...2010's... 2019... the end of a decade... man made... the concpt of decades... as if there is such a thing as the 1990's... what about the year before that?... is 1989 closer to 1980's or 1990's...?...

... i have been reminded of this notion ... the end of a decade by a few people at this point... the symbolism hit me... a wow... a trip... is it really happening...?...

...messed up... again... how?... don't even know this time... maybe i didn't... maybe this time it wasn't me... maybe this time it was me hoping... aspiring... and feeing the mess up in the rejection in the disappointment... instead of strong... strengthened by the me... by the me that is the I... that is moved and moving from the One... the 1ness... inshALLAH...

...if that is the case... if you are clean... operating from a place of 1... moving from 1... then you could do no wrong... you can only be Truth... as You Are Truth...

...in the name of ALLAH...

...living elsewhere sends trepidations... doing it alone... fear of doing it alone... don't want to... want to be around you... want to create... build... community... Be with You... want to Be with You...

...Work is worship... it requires Work... Work is moving from the inner compass... Work... give it Your ALL... from within... from who You Are... inshALLAH...

...i Am...

...if You Truly Are... have faith... Knowing there is nothing wrong... regardless of the reaction... especially in the context of wu-wei... of the effortless effort... of breath... deep clean breath as You move forward with the Work.... and the price makes sense now... charging for the Work makes sense as we spend 1000's on things... stuff... and the only way to invest in Your health is if you pay for it... a currency exchange for commitment... and for people like my mom who can't afford a fraction of this work but are resourceful and take into account any wisdom they get... have a separate program that requires a fraction of the price...

...and apply the charge to the spend... the investment... in discomfort... in the letting go... through the context of plan... and commitment to the plan... 6 months more before i move on... use the plan ahead... use the context of the plan to make moves... in august i start the nutrition intern.... will move then... between now and then...

...new years eve... shhhh... meditate... levitate... Be in community... inshALLAH... 

...winter solstice 2019...

...in the name of ALLAH... the Most Compassionate... the Most Merciful...

..feasted...after the fast.. at the conclusion... ate too much... at my brother's... 1-who KNows... did you Know...?... he did... witnessed... has been hovering above my right shoulder.... my mom's been leaning in on this shoulder... feeding angels... starving the devil  that often takes host in my neurons like a virus... acts like a cell... catapulting movement into blues...

...been playing the blues this past week... instead of fasting like last year... instead of eating myself into atrophy... into chrysalis... i hurt... hung in there through the pearls of yogi path... of the path of Surrender... bowing down daily... atleast once...sometimes twice... asana-ing...

...been questioning purpose... forgetting what it is... wondering how i got to this point... glad to be away from conversations enmeshed in haterations... in identity politics... in we against the them... glad to be around universalists like my mother... father... who even in the face of adversity... discrimination... xenophobia from all races... uphold Love for all... an aspiration indeed...

...i am my mother... i am my father... they are me... that's how they move... they recognize the organism even when babylon will tear me into shreds... convince me of individualisms... that do me you do you... even when i see this hypocrisy in myself... in others who are essentially reflections of me... people like me who grew up here... family members... extended family... people who talk about spirituality and religion vs white people and yet pinch dollars like it were the hereafter... they are reminders of how narrow i may be... a reflection for me to let go... deeper...

...this past suncycled (bday) - an ashram school...

...this past winter cycle... what would the Lover do?...

...the Lover often hides in me... too hurt to holler or hang... staying within the confines of momentary happy... forgetting that every breath i take is one more step towards You...

...finally have been going public... finally have been giving myself up... Surrender... finally not coming from a place of contradiction - how do i get myself out there? into what can i contribute that could bring me and you Closer to the One...?...

...yoga/yogi roots culture/ the path of Surrender... the soof... the shawl... the poems and writings... the movement towards Greater Love... Lover... Reaching for this... does this...

...this past week of darkness has made clear how essential planning is... not to fill a void... not just to keep me from facing myself... but to offer myself... to be in a state of Work... worship... to be in a state of ALLAH-hoo-Akbar...

...the Work i have to offer only makes sense if it helps... if it hurts and grows... if it plants seeds that were never mine... and i am not the one who carries them... it was passed down... yogi is in dialogue with history... through conversations with ancestors... and in this moment... we get to shape the ancestry... to Be an ancestor... to be in conversation with a hundred years from now... a thousand... like Rumi...

...minder... matrimonial sites... places people seek Connection... may keep the spirit imprisoned... may construct 2 dimensional... i'd rather meet you in the 5 realms... in the 7 heavens... and my cards are told in tarot that sits in the bonfire spirits dance around... this is my profile... but you may seek degrees and income... career goals and capital landscapes... understandable... makes sense sis... makes sense... you have a right to seek security... grounding... all praise is due...

...my Truth seems to keep me from the mundane... and unlike the past... unlike during periods of activism... i no longer feel that my path is right... the way... but instead... a way that the One has placed me on... and may look different from your way... all praise is due for the paradox...

...rumi says what you seek is seeking you... i read a quote in a woman's profile recently about the way you see things... how it shapes what you see.. i heard a ted talk on awareness... that you are what you place your awarness on... i heard from t. robbins that if you think green... you will look for green and notice green wherever you are...

...this past week of darkness brought to fore the things that are consuming me... that sit like a furnace on my feet... keep me running... but even here... a hundred miles outside the city... i have to face me...

...the darkness is: what am i doing?... where are my kids?... where is the family?... what do i do now?... how do i get a place?... why am i still living with my folks...?... the darkness is knwoing the war and bombs and not feeling it at all... not enough to do anything...

...rumi says that the wound is the place where the Light enters You...

...to go deeper in the wound would require committing to the Work... of taking things seriously... take it serious... get serious my mother often tells me... approaching things with gravity requires commitment... being 100... 1000...

...this earth cycle i am fully committed to Working for You... being fully in the journey... with the destination in mind... the journey in being a medicine man...in doing this for You instead of for me... of fulfilling my worldly responsibilities with this... inshALLAH...

...the Work is being medicine... this means cleaning inside... is Working and Moving from this place of cleanse... of letting go of clutter... of things that i grab and hold onto that keep me from You... it means committing to the Work by fubmling forward... trying my best... i recognize one major part of this is a space... is having a space... that the space serves as healing for my ammu abbu bhaiyas family me... and those we serve... that it doesn't have to be perfect... and that things may go wrong... but commitment to space will mean commitment to place will allow for commitment to the writing, medicine, relationships... to building community through school... courses... will mean making medicine and being able to employ/support/collaborate ammu abbu others in collaboration... in meaningful work... inshALLAH...

...this earth cycle, i ask - what are my commitments? how does this fit it?... what am i doing to prioritize it... and when/if it doesn't... to move on... to be okay with letting go... saying no...

...this earth cycle... my commitments make it clear... make things more clear than foggy... as i can say no to what keeps me from You and yes to what will get me Closer to the Goals...

...winter solstice 2019...

...in the name of ALLAH... the Most Compassionate... the Most Merciful...

...i bear witness that there is no One but One and that the prophet muhammad (s.a.w) is his rasool...

...another revolution and i feel like i've devolved in some ways... this past week has been posing grave concern... challenge... anxious thought...

...here are some: i can't commit to anything... if i planned i wouldn't be trying to figure out what i'm doing with myself everyday... i'm community-less... social-less... a man-child... without a clear living situation... poor financial perspective... if i had a plan for the week - i'll leave for philly thurs and work sun-wed... i would've made some money... and been a better financial situation...

...if i was like my cousin... i would make money wherever i went... people reaching out to me... me setting up appointments... she is smart in that way... but, that's a passive way to put it... like it's a spook-thing... like she was just born with it... she works hard to be on top of her money game... i could learn from her...

...plans... my plan is to plan... to set up my calendar... starting with full moons... to have an commit to a place to live... this is the major area missing from my life at the moment... that is... altho i have a living situation at the moment... i view it as a crashpad... and have been basically living out of my luggage for the past year and 4 months... that is... i could have my crashpad be my live pad if i accepted the circumstance... but do not... it is familiar, but refrains me from growing into manhood into having company, into waking up at 4 or 5 and going to bed by 9am... from making medicine, putting kits together... having late night convo... from building towards planting seeds...

...the move is clarified... it is imminent... but requires the Work to ensure this... the Work gets curtailed by the security i occupy... that is... i do not have an eviction note that is requiring me to find a place... no kicking me out... i have to create the circumstance...

...having a place will allow me to commit to clients... building a client-base... Working... committing to courses... partners... friendship...

...priorities...

...in the name of ALLAH...

...what are your priorities??.. are you handling them?... are you meeting your responsibiltiies...?... and i don't mean just your bills and rent... although this too...

...your priorities include what You Are here to do... to manifest... to contribute... for some it comes to them earlier than others...

...i have prioritized hanging out... spending time chopping it up... saying wasup... looking to be in places to say what's up... lots of little what's going ons... in the process i've gotten little done...

... there are people who are married with kids a house car, aging parents and extended family they are resonsible for... and they are still running enterprises... still enterprising... how are you?...

...my priorities are to get some of my writings out... some meaning of the tens of thousands of pages i've written for myself... i believe that at this point it is obligatory for me to share some with the public... just a few of the pages... as i have been on borrowed time selfishly writing away... for no one other than my own sanity... and in the meantime... bombs over baghdad... israeli brutal apartheid on palestenians... the construct of violence as a way of being... noble peace prizes for the harbingers of ethnic cleansing campaigns such as the one in burma of the rohyinga... india's hindu extremists modeling themselves after trump and netanyahu... kashmir an open air prison... uyghurs... the white supremacist attack on black american lives... on muslims... on jews... on latinos... on immigrants... 

...there is the earth... the forests... the deforestation... the people who bring me to tears in their resilience... gretta... my brother... my dad... my mother... amy goodman... brian drolet... those at the forefront of struggle...

...my priorities involve elements/ingredients that are essential - a group experience... aligned with Love of the BeLoved... the Infinite... the Most Compassionate.. growing me towards Actualizing these goals... growing currency/thrive... serving others...

...an example... making medicine for a friend... if it Works... multiple of this medicine... doing this in a a shared space with others (i.e. a cooperative work space with a kitchen)... employing family and friends to do this... having this as an offering... by offering a line of homemade products similar to the people of south asia, east asia, central asia, the middle east, maghreb, west africa, east africa, south amaerica...

...the bazzaar is ancient and part of traditional cultures... to bring your harvest to the market place and barter exchange sell it to others...

...what i bring to the bazzaar is my medicines... so i prioritize working with an artist on labels... but make the medicines first... and doing it in a community space will build/Create this...

...another example... the writings... doing this as part of a workshop... holding the space for people to Workshop their novels/ writings... employing some of what i learned over the years teaching writing to offer some strategies... but keeping it circular... so others who want to contribute can as well...

...to do this i need to prioritize having/getting a space to live and Work from... one that could support my being a man... and projects i want to Work on...

...the point is.. instead of just jumping into something out of anxiety... Work to prioritize... how?... by stating the key ingredients that are essential to your priorities... for me it is...

- group/community experience... circular (discussion/discourse/interaction) and not unidirectional (i.e. lecture/concert/consumer, etc)...
- goal-centric (should enhance and Work towards my Goals - ashtanga II/III / plot arc and completed short stories and novel... medicine made, packaged and ready for sale)...
- generate currency for myself and my circle (so i am engaging in cooperative economics - keeping the $ within... employing others in my life with meaningful Work... growing self sustainable through this endeavor)...

...to ensure these elements... the immediate priority becomes having a space that i can cultivate this within... a space in which i can support other writers like myself... other medicine people... or aspirants... others on the path of growing deeper in yogi... in health... from holding classes for the elderly to multigenerational spaces to write and do yoga in...

...so what does this look like?... it means finding a place and committing to it... it means while working on that... taking circular courses in writing... yoga... in shared spaces... it means letting go of what i don't need through selling them... distributing the work to do this... 

...full moon 12:12:19...

...like scripture... the numbers read like a scriptture and Truth be told... i was not in a position to tell you anything... to share any advice... advisement... i was not in position to be a spiritual teacher... that my practices didn't reflect epiphany and a road to salvation but instead brought up hurt... insomnia... chaos in practice...

...all praise is due to ALLAH for this moment of humility... for these moments of pause... for disturbance... existential quagmire... i was certainly steeped in this as my moments of fast were contradicted with the speeches i'd rehearsed in my head to my invisible audience... that there is great growth, ascension that occurs that becomes available during fasting during the full moon...

...what i was actually experiencing this full moon was the empty... was the hollow... was the sprawl... of being a sprawl of cheaply cooked cocaine in a roach infested kitchen sitting in the veins of a needle as it stabbed into addiction...

...that's what i felt... that's what i experienced... a not knowing... a wtf?... a what's the point... a how did i get here... well into the early lay down... the outward motions indicated yogi... sufi... devout - fasting, drinking herbal teas, water, in asana... conversations... the early to bed... but 5 hours later i was still without sleep... still flipping and flopping worry... anxiety... wtf... but not getting up... until 4am... then going to the other room to lay down... to escape the freeze...

...finally... r.e.m... and suddenly waking at 7:25am... 5 mins before parking violation... leaped out of bed, leaped into the shower, into clothes, into the car... drove... did a solid 20 mins of asana after getting to work - rinsing out my joints... getting to a point of all praise is due... and then throughout the day squeezing moments here and there... working my way into a little over an hour... then doing some more at homie's place... his kids glancing over at times...

...this is what i learned on the night of the fast... of the full moon... of 12:12... that being uncomfortable is okay... that teachings have to be Real... of what is happening vs what you'd like to be... vs something that sounds beautiful... like i was at peace from the fast... no... i was in distress... i was in conundrum... i was exhausted and without sleep...

...what i learned?... that sleeplessness is an indication of Work that needs to be done... that there is war... and your body can't rest till there is peace...

...what i learned is that i should've gotten up and Worked through asana... through pranayama and dhyna... dikr and salat and dua...

...that doing these things would've benefited me... as laying around and pretending that i would fall asleep at some point did not serve me...

...i learned that i am not at peace... because i am avoiding a lot... and they linger... they are pushing out through my cell membranes like the clothes gushing out of the closet... i have too many coats, hoodies, shirts, suits...

...i learned that in going for what i really really want... instead of seeking easy ways out - instead of seeking what is easier, what is safer, what is complacent, what is less expensive, what is familiar - i need to prioritize and Work with single minded focus...

...this month's intention is to prioritize... to place priority on what is important... on what needs to get done... and do this with single minded focus... discipline...

...this month i prioritize my offerings as a medicine man - medicines that will help you, the self Love thing - tarot therapy - panchakarmas - linking up with local/global organizations to offer a percentage of all panchakarma's to their efforts - Work that You are doing towards supporting the rights dignity peace ascension of all beings... inshALLAH...

...this month i prioritize the living situation... the Our house...

...this month i prioritize those things that require immediate attention - the car, taxes, my eyes, weight, rent, bills, housing, the health of my family and friends, the writing....

...this month i prioritize the wedding of the Lover...

...this month i prioritize the completion and publishing of the writings...

...how?... by creating the circumstance... being in courses... in programs... in spaces that are growing and educational and generate income... inshALLAH...

...this month... through my Work... i meet You... and create jobs... for family... and those in need... inshALLAH...

...11.30.19... alchemy of happiness...

...in the name of ALLAH...

...imam al ghazali says that the Way to happiness is an alchemical process and can only be Known through Gudiance and this Gudiance is divine Knowledge that is conveyed through Guides who have been sent down over time... there were 24000 prophets conveyed to earth, among the human beings, to provide this Gudiance... following their Guidance will get you into the State of Happiness...

...the Guides show us how to turn away from what appears to what Is...

...does this resonate with your understanding/research of prophets?... holy-people... there are 24000 and we know only a few... these are some i've identified in my own journey - the Noor, prophet muhammad, the Lover, jesus, the revolutionary, moses, the Seer, krsna, the Guide, gautama buddha, the philosopher, confucius...

...each of them teach us to turn towards Light... to be non-attached to the illusion of pain and pleasure as the buddha has provided us with in his tools for self-surgery.... as all of them have...

...one immediate resonance in reading this intro from al ghazali is the Truth about Real Guides... is that he tells us that those who seek the alchemy elsewhere will be disappointed... hence the constant trends and turnover of these trends... they are meant to sell you on something... they are meant to draw you into something... but more often than not, they are meant to help but themselves may be impacted... unclear...

...the prophets provide a Way to Truth...

...the prophet tells me to Surrender to the Will of my mother... my father... my family... to fellow beings... to all beings...

...i have half of december off... over half... and now... i'd like to make some money... to address the losses incurred recently... to support the dream...

...in the name of ALLAH...

...i would also like to grow deeper in my offering... in helping others to Connect with those who Know... to Connect...

...what can do that?... Working in a place in warmer weather... in a space of yoga... where i am learning... where i am growing...

...temperance... 11.29.19...

...in the name of ALLAH... hashtag - no one but One... no god but ALLAH...

...tarot...

...temperance... the angel... ascending... pouring one cup of holy water into the other.. the cup of bearing... wings... to fly... flight... sunshine behind her... sunsetting or rising... before a lake or river... a path from the sun... to the sun...

...there is holy glittering from her crown... she is an angel... there are fire beings... Light beings... and earth beings... the angels are Light beings... as conveyed through the teachings of the prophet muhammad... peace and blessings to his lineage... i am part of this... i get to inherit his wealth... spirituality must be experienced... according to gahazali...

...yogi goon... sometimes... bat for my team... non violence... in the tradition of gandhi... then there is my family and tribe... my boy marines... my boy love... your beef is mine... but no hate for anyone...

...ghazali would say but what are you proactively doing... beef is often after the fact... like all disease...

...the angel balances between one foot and the rock... her robe flows... she wears a patch of a triangle embelem wthin a square... earth Light fire... squared within the Law...

...balance... 

...al ghazali part i...

...first take away... gazals... what we know as the musical genre of gazals stems from imam gazali... the 10th century Noor...

...second take away... imam al ghazali... in going inward... from being one of the most renown scholars in islamic society during his day... left it all... to discover that reason can't get to Truth...

...third takeaway... hence the Qur'an... hence the Guidance of the Qur'an... the Truth... that is... You need Guidance...

...fourth takeaway... if your growth in knowledge is without Guidance... it will grow a deeper rift between you and the One-ness...

...fifth takeaway... Knowledge without action is blasphemy... that is... if you are or have obtained knowledge and are not employing it in Service... than you are haording...

...sixth takeaway... what are your goals and what is behind them?... if your goals are to mundane than they grow distance between you and ALLAH... if your goals are towards Connecting with ALLAH than you are Guided...

...seventh... apply this all in action - use your Knowledge towards the end of getting Closer to ALLAH, i.e. bodywork - grew in knowledge of this... got Guidance from people of the vedas on this... goal is to support people to Connect with their bodies to Connect with ALLAH... not to open up a center to get my name out there... 

...november full moon...2019... intentions... reflections... and You...

...You... i heard You in the subway where soccer plays play through panhandlers and poets secretly writing their days in their thoughts... home in the Lost...

...while i have u... u reader... u meaning... i guess i don't know... never knew... always was confused... always thought i would get to it when i was older... past older... past it... and here i am still aspiring... not looking back... not pausing... 1000 100000000 miles and running...

...and it hit me... it pounded... it rocked me like the rubble before guantanamo gaza attica... seeing the prison i'd known crumble to the ground... suddenly... and me... still standing... still here...

...so i reflect... so the moon... so the ancient teachings of the prophet muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him his antecedents and descendants and those who have been privileged with his teachings... all praise is due indeed)...

...5 times a day... i write about 5 times a day... aligning with the sun and planets... and surrendering to that which is Always... and if there is no grasp of this... no belief in this... Surrendering to the not knowing... to the resting of the ego... the upliftment of the heart... its amazing... this belief... this practice... that's the response people have... before i mention that these are not the ideas of an entrepreneur but the teachings of the prophet of islam... suddenly the horror, the repulsion, the disdain... all appear... rise like a fire... in their eyes... deep...

...peace to the men in beards and women in coverings... to their maintaining the Way even in the face of the harshest adversity... i aspire to be less infected by own ego/conceit...

...in the meantime... i continue to draw from one of the greatest appeals to me about islam... the paganism that is implicit... the reverence for the ayats (signs)... sun moon and planets... water and mountains and trees... camels and cocords and semen... if only you would think...

...this past month... hmmm... yes comes to mind... in terms of reflection... of true reflection... of honoring not the moments that are to come... or just now... but the path i've walked on... as she is a poet... and she revises... just shot her a text...

...so here it is... here i am...

...this past month what is most memorable is today... when i asked my mom why she was fasting today... she said it was for me... she was fasting for me... and then i recalled the night of the accident... this past month was another car accident... me in another accident... like a dangling participle... i walked out... car got shaken up a little... some work needs to be done... car's been at shop for 3 weeks now... they haven't done anything yet... i asked for a trade in... they offered me 1/3rd or 1/4th of what i paid... i observed that i didn't get worked up, that i didn't get excited... that i also noticed that when after we worked out a trade in, in which i would pay a difference... i didn't strongly pursue this as i should have... could have... and that led to the 2 weeks going by... i could say he avoided my calls, which he did... that he didn't take responsibility for what he said he would do, etc... and there is truth to all that... but i was also able to observe my own role in this - i was passive... part of me was relieved that i didn't have the car... i didn't call and follow up with him for a few days... that is, i participated... i contributed to making this happen... the accident as well... my brother had been telling me to change the wheels... i didn't... he even set up a situation with a friend... i prioritized a date instead...

...ammu has often told me to get serious... abbu has said more severely - this (life) - is not a joke... i see this in them... in their selfless service to community... to showing up... to giving... to us... to everything for us... including their complexion... including their marriage to have us so we would have it easier - lighter skinned... a bit taller... products of america...

...this past month i was to fumble forward towards my Purpose... i noticed again that this happens when there is circumstance as the sufi omar ali shah says... just as i am fumbling forward to get my car in repair... because the circumstance is there... due to an accident... what accident needs to happen for me to fumble forward towards manifesting Purpose...

...in reflecting... in being in a state of empty during my fast... i noticed... coming out of it... that i was repeating a pattern of moving with whatever... instead of going after what i really really wanted... i noticed this on a date... i was at an event... and i realized in contrast with another woman... that i was hanging with someone who i appreciated... but who i really wanted to hang with was someone else... how could i apply this lesson?... how do i really go after what i want...?... or is this an individualistic approach to the teachings of Spirituality...?...

...i also realized from what A n A were saying... that i barely approach things with gravity... with the type of gravity needed... how do i do this?... how do i apply the kind of depth and seriousness needed?...

...perhaps it's the accident... perhaps i need to apply the accident to this Reaching for me to take it seriously... to Really fumble forward... the accident is that...?... in the past i've consumed things thinking i would do something with it... herbs... journals... tea bags and glass jars... etc.. but the consumption only left greater stuff in my life... i did nothing with them... how do i do something with them?... what would have to have been different?... people... lives being at stake... meaning people being dependent on me to come through... i show up for my job... traveling 2-3-4-5 hours r/t just because i'm supposed to... because my supervisor requires this... what if i set up a situation where i had a boss... someone who required me to show up?... that there were high stakes behind this?...

...einstein says that you can't solve a problem with the same mind that gave you the problem... that is, in order to solve a problem, you have to become who you haven't been to do what you haven't done...

...who has done this already...?... who had done it in a way that has been deeply meaningful?... am i around them...

...people who are doing it... my cuzin with her make up art... kino and dylan with their yoga... not sri chinmoy or sadguru... not guru's that i've seen thus far... humble persons... hmza el din... zakir hussain... abbu... ammu...

...each of them sets up circumstances driven by a passion... abbu is pasisonate about what is happening in the world... about a more just union... about building a world and culture of fairness... he sets up meetings based on issues that are outrage... that require attention... he works with others in doing this... he shows up... ammu does this with cooking... with building community... she invites others than spends a week cooking for them... she is passionate in her craft - cooking... kino and dylan share their passion for yoga... they practice and share their practice... so others can do what they are doing... and they show them how... they show up for their practice then share it...

...what i can learn from them as a pattern - share your passion by believing in they why... why do you do this?... and to not just do it for yourself but to help others... to get them engaged in growing deeper in their path... fumble forward by getting serious... and serious from a place of belief... it is important... and go after it because it is really really what you want - to help others through inspiration... through Connecting with Self... and each other... community... Real community... because - the why - we are isolated - write to Connect with yourself but also with others... because you see the importance of what you write and you take it real serious... because others could benefit...

...this month... my intention is to fumble forward by taking myself and the offerings i have real serious... because i Really want to Love You... and for us to Be together...

...i do this through making yoga videos that will help you Connect and place us in community (i.e. full moon yoga... certain asanas...vinyasas, and zodiac...)... i do this through making medicine for people in my life and sharing with you how to do the same... i do this through the writings... getting them done... approaching them with gravity... and doing it in community... i do this through the Self Love... that will be in your hands in 2 weeks... because i want you to Love You and i want to Love You and for you to Love me...

...thus i ask myself - am i taking this seriously?... and do i really want this...?...

...7 of pentacles... 10.28.19...

...divinity... holy... heaven... islam... these are some of the associations with the number 7... when i was coming up... dudes from the 5 percenters... an off shoot of the nation of islam used to rock varsity jackets with the number 7 on the back, surrounded by stars and the word ALLAH... so 7 could also be a search for greater, Higher Truth... inshALLAH...

...on day 5000 of this journey... of being in this space ship that constantly  changes... of being within the quantum realm of here and not here... i recognize the impact the mundane has on me... and at once how central You Are... how i consider You often... weigh you... but lacking in regards to being in dikr... a constant state of reminder... as those who forget ALLAH forget themselves... according to the Qur'an... makes sense...

...the mundane... pentacles... earth... grounded... grounding... virgos... rooted... uprooted a coupla days ago... wisdom tooth yanked out... neanderthal style... students and chest-beating doctors taking shots at me... seeing who has a bigger thing... pulling out and beating off in front of the chick doc who held the only nourishing hand... less distracted by them and more engaged in the process of the Work...

...i Love that in people... and when i witness it in myself - Being engaged in Work... their Work Guiding them... i believe that... let Your Work Guide You... inshALLAH...

...perhaps this is the merging point between 7 and pentacles... getting grounded in Your Work... as my brother nam constantly reminds me of in recent days - fumble forward... and when you do... Amazing... Amazing things will happen...

...perhaps the 7 of pentacles... of the marriage of divine with mundane in my recent Work has kept me attractive to the women i've been Connecting with recently... as i ride on my path... and when/if our paths cross/merge... we dance together... towards...

...in the rider waite card of 7 of pentacles we see a man leaning into his shovel... as if in a moment of pause... reflecting... breathing in the efforts of his Work... the fruits they bear... his reap from what he has sown... they are beautiful and shining... what is it that you are sowing...?... planting...?... what seeds do you carry?...

...you are what you repeat... what are you repeating?...

...today i carry the seeds of yoga... of cosmos... of Connecting with Self through scorpio... through writing... through tarot... through flirting... through pause... taking it in breath... Loving... fully... considering what the Lover what do at every step and walking into the sweat labor all of this Purpose requires... 

...full moon check in...

... hey You... You...

...You...

...20 october 2019... returned from p.a... and young j asked me about my intentions for this month... how it was going... forgot that we said we would check in w each other about our intentions periodically... we did...

...it made me consider...recall my intentions for the month - to fumble forward... where?/how?... by way of holding clinic... by being clear and working towards Purpose... my Purpose... my offerings to you and you and you... through goals in writing... holding clinic... housing... a Lover...

...held clinic this past weekend... asked o.g.d to see him... work on him... in place of him paying for me to do landmark... i had my breakthrough - that i can keep consuming course after course and unless i integrate and work... Work... then stuck... so i Worked... he agreed... Worked on him... Worked on his employee... cooked for him... did his bodywork treatments... made medicine for him... heard him out... ideally i would've cooked for multiple people... this way the medicine i made and food i made was in batches... was reminded to make strategic collaborations - yoga studios who need ayurvedic practitioners in which we do a percentage share...

...there's a why of course... why do i want to do this?... hmmm... is it about others or me?... hmmm... the why is that i want you to Love yourself and you can't unless you get the junk out... the junk is beliefs and the physiological placement of those beliefs... so You can be a 100 for others... so the Real why is to support you and me to Connect to Self... so we could get past the lies that keep use from shining our Light...

...in housing... spent several hours looking at spots... and listened to some useful talks on guesthousing... air bnbing... working towards a holistic health yoga/ayurveda/sufi guesthouse experience...

...in writing... just came from another writing workshop... considering and integrating suspense... goals... obstacles model from workshop from last month... completed a rough outline for revising my work... so all praise is due...

...in Connecting with Lover... i believe this will become more clear as i Am offering my Work... and the channel for this is becoming clear... all praise is due... the clearer you can be about your offering the more crystal clear it will be to others...

...full moon intention oct 13th 2019...

...in the name of ALLAH...

...this month i fumble forward towards my goals... with single minded focus and commitment... no wavering... committing fully... and accepting the consequences... going with it... being okay with the outcomes... not getting caught up in detail that prevents me from doing anything at all...

...goals i am fumbling forward towards... holding clinic/offering medicine - seeing clients to support their health through ayurvedics... and yoga... bodywork... nutrition... herbs... - need to be clear about what i'm offering... need to look at models that are out there... the youtube and instagram reflective of this...

...fumbling towards housing - getting a spot - making it Work... committing to it... it reflecting dream...

...fumbling towards Lover - through my Work... through doing the Work... through offering my Work... through getting in front of others... through courses that grow me -but this time - me offering it... the youtube and instagr reflective of this...

...fumbling towards completing this book... revising it, getting it peer reviewed, edited, and to an agent...

...that's it... 

...full moon reflection... walking back...

...in the name of ALLAH... the Most Compassionate... the Most Merciful... who did i help today?... j... he had a pinched nerve... school in bx... with their need for restoration... listened and offered strategies... to younger j... with an ear... conversations... was kind to family and friends...

...walking back... i was in similar dilemma with every one else i met... what to do...?... do it different... have a place... do what would be fulfilling... put it out there...

...walking back... ended up in cafe... long... chilled... talked... didn't make moves... how could it have been different... fumbling forward...

...lil homie j said that his sis gets a lot of work from clients simply through word of mouth... she doesn't use an instagram accnt, or a youtube accnt to get clients... but she does the work... what is the work you are doing?... want to be doing... isn't it funny that you are coming to this question again... again and again....

...again i am hanging with her... again in the space of being in want... but different this time... this time i asked what the Lover would do to help me... this time i Loved... listened... was vulnerable...

...i did that today... when j told me he had some neck pain... heard it first... listened... mad e a suggestion... then asked myself what the Lover would do... voice said to go buy some oil... to give him the treatment he needs...

...where am i a medicine man?... where do i offer my services...?... where do i teach yoga?... people have been asking...

...walking back i realized that i was working in circles... that in attempting to create this youtube channel... i was doing it like before... just focused on detail and beauty... like the films i've made... focused on the aesthetic... focused on trying to look good... like volumes in jungle book... focused on how the words look... like standing in front of the mirror for hours... focused on looking a part...

...looking back on this... i realize that part of the anchors... yoga... keeps me from putting too much time into looking... and more into Being... into Being winter or summer or astrological or walking with my grave... looking back... this is an accomplishment...

...looking back on my writing process... again... i am caught on trying to get it right... instead of revising to put out to share... with that said... one growth has been seeking wisdom... reaching above my comfort zone in writing... in Reaching just above... in trying... in flowing...

...looking back... i stayed away from making commitments till the 11th hour... did that again today... this week... with the writing thing this weekend... instead of being decisive... lesson... be decisive... commit... what's coming up that you could be decisive in...?... getting a spot... committing to it... air bnbing it... committing to this...

...looking back... i've taken... consumed classes... with no purpose... with not using it - 16mm film class... cpr class... new school... elederberry school... etc... how are you integrating... actively using what you spent borrowed time doing...?... what would it look like?... an active practice somewhere... and videos and everything else only in relation to this... the Work will get you the Work... do the Work...

...commit to a place... space... Work... do it because it is needed... based on people you are seeing... not because you have a product to sell... take the feedback you have been getting from people... smack taking meat off his diet... a n a going mostly vegetarian... not because i shared with them the importance of fiber and digestive health... but because they did the research themselves...

...walking back... like the short videos i am working on now... here are a thousand journal entries for me... for no one else... with no benefit to anyone else... and here i am... doing it again... here... in this cafe... instead of doing my practice... instead of offering tarot therapy... readings... herbs... smokes... teachings... community building...

...lesson: make offerings... do offerings... spend your time in offerings... instead of just yourself... yoga as an offering... high frequency cooking as an offering...

...lesson... instead of consuming... invest... in your path... i.e yoga... i.e. writing... that will grow you deeper... as you fumble forward... try... take risks towards... instead of taking classes... instead of being a consumer... instead of another degree in writing... write and put your work out there brother man... get it out... put the album out and get the feedback...

...the question returns... what is my Work?... this again is in the lessons from the walking back - a repetition - the mantra of perfectionism... procrastination... paralysis...

...my Work is to heal people... through bodywork, oils, medicine making... Connecting with the seasons...

...Connect to Self is what i embody... something i am aspiring to... but people need bread... healing... who will benefit seek out Connect to Self... kids... self help community... those wanting to grow deeper in Self Love... who will Connect to yogi medicine man... those who seek services in healing... through yoga... who want to heal through yoga and ancient medicine...

...five of pentacles... 10.8.19...

...where do you feel your lacking?... what is the voice that is cautious saying...?... the one that is in woe-is-me?... what are your holding tight for?... what would happen if you let go and trusted...?...

...the more you believe that there is scarcity the more you operate from a place of scarcity... and the continuum of life will tell you - ALLAH is Infinite...

...the # 5 has a level of sanctity in my experience on this path...

...i understand 5 to be a number of completion... in a phase... in a cycle... as is represented through the 5 daily anchors of salat (Connection)... in islam... and echoed again in the 5 tenets to live by in islam... prayer, fasting, giving part of your income back to the community, pilgrimage to re-enact the biological structure of life - the atom - in the nucleus of mecca... and bearing witness to the Truth that there is no one but One (ALLAH = 1ness)...

...in traditional ancient south-asian medicine (ayurveda)... there are 5 elements...

...5 as a cycle in the mundane - pentacles - signifies your completion through your day... having completed your responsibilities in the day to day... what are these for you?... for me it is morning rituals - making my bed, dental hygeine, a drink for agni, salat... and then asana... then making and eating breakfast... then dental hygeine... then rest and digest... then shower and dress... then fragrance... then go about my duties...

...5 of pentacles is an investment... once you've gotten it... you have the caliber necessary for the next step... what's next for you?...

...in the image of tarot... there is a young man on a crutch... appearing to be panhandling... asking the woman with the shawl for change, as she rushes by him... in the process he seems to overlook the fact there is a window of pentacles/wealth right behind him... the stained glass window of the church... divinity... there is divinity here... ALLAH is Infinite... the perception of this man of himself is he is broke, poor... and he seeks from others who are scraping by... when the wealth has been there all the time... all he needed to do was surrender to it... lean back into the space... just as yoga and meditation and pranayama and travel and writing and music and cooking and community have all been there... you just need to walk into these spaces...

...3 of cups...

...3... a 2 dimensional pyramid... 3... tri- .... the basic unit of a family - man woman child...

...the ankh represents life... the ancient eguptian symbol for the 3 points that comprise the nucleus of a family - man woman child...

...cups bear water... emotion... feeling... flow or stagnation will result in different states...

...wands transform... pentacles ground... swords fly...

...3 cups of emotions... family... celebration... togetherness...

...3 women gather and celebrate...

...who lifts you up?... what parts of your life works in correspondence with other parts of you to lift you?... that is how are you integrating one part with another...?...

...i learned plot structures the other day... cool... how am i integrating it...?... 

...tarot... knight of wands... 9.23.19...

...in the name of ALLAH...

...knight... in some decks the prince... the next in line... the heir to the throne... but me too... i'm next too... i hear my sisters say... indeed... rulership reins from compassion... mercy... is this missing in leadership... what would the prophet of Peace have said about the ottoman's, mughal's, etc. about the Kings who had concentrated authority when he himself denied himself this...

...models... who are yours?...

...the knight delivers... offers a message... what message needs to be sent from you to others...?... the knight defends... what needs defending in your life...?... the knight approaches with urgency... what is the message you have that needs urgent attention... that the world must know... that you are willing to defend to the death of You... because it is not about you... seven generations...

...how you can you incorporate the magic you hold... Creativity... spirit... intuition... all the Creative flow that the wands carry....

...as a defender of Your Truth... which You alone Know... You recognize that it is a spiritual Truth... from a deeper place and to manifest it be as unrealistic as it Is...

...if you notice there are no numbers here... the royal suite has none... the kings, queens, knights, pages... 4 x4... 16 royal figures... the Royal family...

...trees... rivers... winds... species... the Royalty that allows us to be... how are we engaged with being knights for this Royalty... how do we defend/protect/Love our earth....?... zero waste is one way...

...in starting on this path of going deeper in reducing my role as culprit of enemy of the earth... i've noticed that some items i use a bunch are paper towels/napkins... and the wooden sticks to stir my matcha... i also seem to be without a plan to recycle... so not addressing the bottles and accumulation i already have... go through... i.e. the apple cider vinegar bottle that i just finished...

...lesson in this... have a plan... systems for these things... this way... habits... re-engineering... that's what this is... a rebirth...

...wands are the element of fire... of transformation... in being a defender... a Knight... in being Royal... i am reminded of the words of my cuzin... to break through the boundaries... he watched/witnessed a snake emerge from him... and noticed it shedding its skin... in the process rebirthing... re-Be-coming... drive the wand through... burn through... blessed fall equinox...

...the knight holds the magician's wand... fumbles forward with what he knows... integrates all that he has learned to be in the thick of practice... operates from a place of Spiritual Truth so that it is just as absurd in what unfolds... just as: flying machines - airplanes... drones... cars.... aircondition... elevators... etc... putting Your leg behind your head... all Are... 

...tarot: jugement 9.22.19...

...judgement... when it comes... when the day arrives... when the horn is blown and your body arises to be in the face of your Maker... when you are asked how you spend your time... what will you say?...

...what did you do today?... my dad asked... last year... last summer... the usual i said... let me here it, he said... yoga practice... cook... siesta... cafe... latte... write...

...had a vision of you... my dad said... you in a conversation with God... God asked you how you spent your day... and you said what you told me... yoga... you foolish man, God responded...

...mmmn... yes... makes sense... every one who has ever meant anything to me... beyond a thought... beyond emotion... has lived lives that were profoundly transformative to others... gandhi... che guevera... malcolm x... huey p... arundhati roy... my dad... my mom... my brother... they have all been in selfless service to community... my grandfather... the one who has been an inspiration to walk this path... knowing of his stories... he held clinic... his fellow sufi medicine men in lucknow told him that he can't charge for this Work... but he has to do it...

...there are people who take a single aromatherapy course and fly with it... go deep... others like myself try to study everything under the sun... and stay in a state of not doing... do... do it now... Quietly... the Work is needed...

...judging myself... how do you judge yourself...?...

...in the card... judgement day... the angel recalls the dead to our original state - naked... what will your hands and feet testify...?... what will the earth you walked on testify?...

...how do you change your destiny?... how do you shape it?... so that it is aligned...?... Aligned... ALLAHment... Walk... Work... in the name of ALLAH the Most Compassionate... the Most Merciful...

...the judgements bring me to my moon intention this past month... to walk back... to learn how to do it different... how i would've done it different 10, 20 years ago... when i was hanging out all the time... or wishing to... chasing... wanting to go to the party... vintage clothes shopping... standing in front of the mirror... going through outfits... instead... meaningfulness... through Work... through the writing... giving it my all... now... in the past ten... it has been the screen... it has been taking classes... education... but a lot of it in a vacuum... a lot of it without meaning... and some of it deeply profound in meaning... now its time for me to go hard in my offering... and by doing... sharing... and by sharing... learning... and by learning... teaching others...

...offer the Work through making the medicines... blends... etc... and do the Work... the Work will lead to the teaching... the Work is to meditate... to bow to the moon and sun... but more importantly whats behind it... to hold clinic... to have a space to do this... to do the yoga and inspire... to cook and inspire... how?... through mediums available now... 

...tarot... 8 of cups... 9.19.19...

...in the name of the 1ness, Brahma, ALLAH, The Great Mystery... all praise is due...

...prophets retreated... into the cave... meditated... received word from beings invisible to the 3-dimensional eye... received Guidance...

...the 8 of pentacles... the man... a cobbler... craftsman... bhastrika pranayam... this man has retreated from the town he hails from... under a tree... like siddhartha...gautama... buddha... but he is engaged in understanding the mundane... in being of use to himself family kids wife...

...wait till i get my money right!!!... and he is... he chips away... 5 pentacles lining the tree... 2 below him... he works... and immediately sees the fruits of his labor...

...in the name of...

...pentacles... stacking... but are you hoarding...?... have you retreated and gotten guilty...?... i know enough people who have... Love to them... they are mirrors... what do i see in them that hurts?... that they are stingy... that they have loads and they pinch... they are not sharing... are bottom feeders... they suck off others...

...then there are those who play it safe... they made just a little bit... got that change... the minimum wage... and they hide... hoard... keep it like their job will go tomorrow... that there belongings will burn and they will need to hold on to it... or flames... or homelessness...

...i see you.... because i see myself... what are you doing with what you have?... how are you upping the ante?... are you taking risks...?...

...after your retreat... after you have made your money... go out there and invest in you... by investing in others... by feeding them... feeding their soul... by giving... by Giving... by not pinching... by spending... by walking your values... go in and Reach out...

...tarot... king of wands...

...wands... fire... transformation... to be a king of this level of drive... ambition... desire... passion... ego...

...what is at the forefront of your desire... of your spiritual motivation... purpose?...

...who can you enroll/recruit... to collaborate... to actualize Your Truth... as the king does not just labor himself but delegates...

...my realization today... as i sit in the space of a king... is to wave a wand and be in an herbal apothecary cooperative... collectively owned... where i offer medicine... touch... movement... food... breath... habits... courses... community...

...the wand i wave allows me to see that i have put lifetime into these esoteric ancient traditions not to develop a hobby but because of belief in the ancient ways in the ancient math... as taught by the prophet muhammad and as such deeply demonized... practice and share the teachings of the prophet w/o mention of his name, of islam, of the qur'an... and people will be amazed at its genius - intermittent fasting... fasting and revering the full moon... marking your days by the moon... bowing the monkey mind down in Surrender to gaze with the heart... to be reminded of the brevity of this existence in this realm... etc etc... oh yes... makes complete sense... mention where it comes from ... mention who said it... and pathology...

...the wand i wave is from the throne... without fear... with Love... and unconcerned about the stones that are cast... jesus warned his true followers that persecution was inevitable in walking in the footsteps of the One...

...cast your wand... see what is within Reach... what you are here to do... not fantasize... wake up and do...

...herb of the week... mullein...

...it sat calm, matter of fact, as if growing between squares of concrete within the industrial part of astoria, queens, was totally natural...

...i held the mullein leaves... felt its soft embrace... said mullein... a whisper... letting her know i saw her... recognized her... was paused by her beauty... all praise is due...

...mullein leaves are thick, shaped like the ears of a rabbit... velvet in texture... like the velvet rabbit...

...it is known... i know it for its demulcent qualities... it's presence in bronchial/asthma/cough formulas... in smoke blends to soothe the lungs...

...during an herb walk in central park, yesterday, a fellow herbalist conclusively said how smoking mullein is great for your lungs... reminded me of 1ness... of seeing myself... a mirror... made me cringe a little.. in witnessing this blanket-statements side of myself... made me thankful to hear him... to remind myself to avoid speaking in definite... as the medicine i practice constantly reminds me... there is no definite...

...mullein has deep roots... and as such, draws a great deal of nutrition from the earth... i wonder what this looks like in a soil perturbed area like the streets of ny...

...the leaves can be squeezed, or slightly blanched and placed on areas that need increased circulation... this includes legs and writs... for conditions like varicose veins... according to the eclectics...

...the roots can be tinctured or decocted, and used for conditions like rheumatoid arthritis...

...tarot: the Lovers... 9.13.19...

...i Am a Lover... Your Lover... Love You... Love You to death... heard that?... do you?...

...who is your Lover...?... what are you willing to die for?... is it out of love or out of the limbic system sense of survival... someone attacks a family member... you react... are you reactive in your "love"... do you get flowers and chocolates after you've been reprimanded... after the words crash glass...?...

...Love... the Lover is proactive... the Lover does without being asked... asks for nothing back... trues... gives it his/her All... what are you giving you all into...?...

...the tarot card... in the traditional ryder-waite deck shows a naked man and woman facing us... standing apart... their arms slightly out and hands open... like the anatomical stance... the woman slightly looks above... towards the celestial figure who emerges before the sun... wings adorn him... this angel... angel raphael... has he hands open and facing down... as if casting a spell a blessing to the Lovers below... the Lovers stand on a plain.... flat... a mountain in the b.g... the forbidden apple tree of eve behind the woman... a snake coiling the tree... behind the man is a tree of flames like roses on a stem... 12 of them... 12 months... 12 signs of time and space... going through eternity... Lovers are blessed for eternity by eternity as they have chosen Love... what are you choosing?...

...what do you see here...?...

...what is the role of Love in Your relationships...

...the Lover ares blessed... Lovers Are when they are Lovers... others see the wide-eyedness of their Love... and if they arrive from Love bless them... haters will hate... se la vie...

...their nakedness is innocent... and the Love they are bound in is more than lust-deep... it is held and blessed by the universe itself...

...the Lovers are in a space of invested time instead of spent time... they are not just in a wasteland... but deeply Connecting to each other in a divine way... they are not just drinking and smoking... they are in nature... they are not just wrapped around each other but seeking divine blessings...

...what is the role of Love in Your Life...?... how does this show up in your beliefs vs actions?...

...the Lovers afford you an opportunity to consider time well spent vs spent... time invested... vs spent... look back... to gain a hold of the next steps... look back this full moon to see how it went...

...when you look back... make changes... in the Way of the Lover.... what would the Lover have done... 7 years ago when i left my job.... instead of investing in a writing program i went to a worker coop space and wrote... spent every day doing this for close to 6 months... the Lover - the liberated me would've embraced the course... not thought of the money... embraced the challenge without considering disappointment... the Lover would've learned from this and sought out teachers/mentors writing programs... the Lover would've went the mile to study with them... the Lover would've joined organizations focused on writing - magazines, writing programs... to edit, write, volunteer... when the Lover left for india... he would've stayed longer... leaving for nepal or sri lanka for a few weeks... renewed his visa and came back to india... as his heart told him... the Lover would've came back and started sharing his knowledge... sharing what he has learned... holding seminars... partnering... he would've gone deeper through the practice... done it from a place of need and not product...

...he would've Connected with those who were doing something similar and tried to build and if it didn't work... he would've upped the ante... as greta the young Warrior from sweden has done... going to environmental groups and meeting with them and when it didn't work... when they were more talk then walk... she upped the ante...

...how do you use the lessons of the past...?... what are the lessons?...

...for me... the lesson is to listen to my heart and not my budget... the lesson is to  try... to do the Work... and see what happens... to not worry about the product...

...the lesson is...

...tarot: page of cups...9.8.19...

...the page stands before the sea... waves... ripples... tides perhaps...a sign may lie in the fish that appears to be coming out of his cup... what is the sign?...

...no one could've predicted it... the three days into the future of sept 11 2001... perhaps some could've... what did tarot readers of the time say? astrologers?... those who claim to know things before hand?...

...sept 8th... tarot... a way to look into self... into patterns...

...page... i was a library page for years... shelving books... retreating into the stacks... imagining reading all the books... getting giant in knowledge... in knowing everything... the page in the emblem in the books we stacked was a mohawk indian... bowing... to a renassaince era woman...

...no one but One...

...the page carries out local duties... administrative work that needs to get done... that requires some manual labor some intellect...

...the page in water the symbolism of the cup... a bearer and embodying water... intuition... feelings... emotional landscapes... what are yours...?... the cup gives rise to a fish... an unexpected occurrence... unusual... creative... scary...

...where Love lies... fear is close... hence the constant reminder to fear the 1ness in al Qur'an... the fear is the trepidation you experience with a new lover...  the longing... the uncertainty... the being in an ocean drifting and yet breathing...

...how can you draw newness into your life?... how can you be more in a state of butterflies???... what will surprise you?...

...you may believe surprise cannot be constructed... but what if i told you it can...?... what if i told you that if you put yourself in the circumstance... surprise is inevitable... embrace the fear... he scariness... it will happen...

...putting out the novel... the High Frequency diet for an elevated world to communicate with worm holes... seasonal foods... organic... from the c.s.a...

...taking orders...

...the school...

...the marriage...

...the house...

...the tour...

...it will happen... if you set the date... make the announcement... book the parts involved... surprise...!!!... 

...tarot... 7 of wands... 9.5.19...

...don't give up... Work... and Work will grow You... tall... Real tall... as is seen by the guy thrusting the 7th wand into the earth... staking his claim... defending his rights... rising to the occasion of battle...

...he is towering over the land and mountains... all of nature is dwarfed by his prominence... the wands match his stature... they are big... he embraces the battleground... prepared to fight... he is doing it big... why?...

..."unless you are helping others in some way, you are wasting your time"... how are you helping?... what are you contributing?... how is it bringing greater Love and balance to our world?.. is this helping you...?... maybe for a second?... how can i be of greater help to You...?...

...my aunties ask me for advice on yoga, and food, and herbs, and meditation... for their ailments... perhaps booklets... chap-style books that are downloadable and easily accessible... are there grants for this...

...the number seven... seven wands... divinity ... divine intervention... how are you Connecting with the Divine...?... how Are you tapping in?...

...are you at a crossroads...?... are you often?... what decision are you putting off that will take you to the next level?... the man in the card wears 2 different shoes... he has been in conflict, internal turmoil... this is the moment of clarity... of taking a stance... he does...

...when you take a stand for what you believe... you up the ante on the battle... you leave your dormancy... you arise and now must also be prepared to take on new challenges...

...make the decision... do it now... Quietly... You Are a Warrior... whatever comes will come... 

...cooperative living...

...what does it mean? to be housed... to have meaningful housing... there are those who live in mutli-million dollar homes but they are alone, isolated, bored... i've seen them... been in their houses...

...there are communities... villages... they exist in america... intentional communities... what we had for millenia... we meaning my family... we not meaning a race... many other traditional people have had it to... i know that...

...and fortunately i am only one generation from this... and being so... i grew up in a household in nyc that held this ancient math... so we moved as a unit... getting that only now...

...before... when my mom would say i should how i dress or speak... i wouldn't get it... she would say what will others in our community think... my definitive western mindset immediately went to - they should mind their business... i would get pissed at these other people... i would think of how nosy they were and were only there to spoil my fun... i recall having convo with my cousins who would feel the same way... my parents are cool with it... my cousins would say... if it weren't for these other community people... i don't why they care what other people think...

...care... you do care... that's why you have the clothes you carefully selected out... the shoes you were, etc., etc... you care to be recognized... stand out... but it is outside a context... it has nothing to do with an us... it has everything to do with chasing what's in... even when you think you aren't... when you think you are doing your own thing... you are... in relation to others... to what others will think...

...the difference between caring about what the community thinks and caring about what babylon thinks is that the community requires accountability... requires you to align... babylon requires you to spend... to be wanton... to hate yourself... to be without a context... to spend... if you were aligned with community then you would be wearing clothes that were about You in relation to You... it wouldn't matter that they were 30 years old...

...home is like this... finding community... alot of the intentional communities are trying to reconnect with something lost - community - meaningfulness in their relations with their neighbors... with themselves... but they want to have good times... hope everything is fun all the time... but Real community involves layers of family... generations - babies and great grand-daddies... it involves pause... income sharing... valuing each others work... my mom had told me this once... how when the son makes money... the first check goes to the parents... but the deeper lesson was community economics... the money stays in the tribe... it is all of ours... just like she does with food...

...perhaps the step in this cooperative housing is for us to income share... live in the same household... share Work responsibilities... have meetings... strive together...

...getting it now... the ancient math i left for the books and the new age individualism of the math... 

...tarot: knight of pentacles... 8.30.19...

...knights in white armor...

...knights carry forth what is required of them to an utmost... thus bringing their suit - pentacles, wands, cups, to its limits...

...the knight falls immediately below the king and queen... he is driven by duty... meticulous in his task...

...the knight... in carrying forth the penatcles weighs best decisions... what would be most sound... fruitful... advantageous to the will of the king and queen...

...the knight in traditional cultures can be thought of as the warrior... the one who puts their lives on the line for others... who sacrifices knowing there may be no coming back this time... they are the swordsmen of the dessert... men garbed from head to toe in flowing garbs deified as alchemical in the alchemist and demonized in the media as al qaeda...

...the knight... the warrior... is not concerned with money... nor the riches to be gained... instead the knight only works towards the greater good of the whole... the queen and king...

...what does this mean for you...?... who are your queen and king?... who do you serve?... how are you selfless in this serving?...

...just got off the phone with a queen... she continues to call... to reach out... although we both know that it can't be... she can't give me what i want... and i can't be what she wants...

...sacrifice in this situation is staying focused on the Love for my queen mother and king father... to carry through our vision of village Love... and to be village to her... by being responsive... taking her calls... offering her unconditional Love... expecting nothing in return... expecting nothing... letting her go over and over...

...the knight of pentacles breathes the truth of feelings and exhales... replaced by the Truth of the this Great Mystery... of the Truth of the not Knowing... of Love being unconditional as there is no holding on to anything... and in turn staying focused on the doing... the duty... the arjuna... what needs to be done...

...tarot: ace of pentacles...8.29.19...

...the plan... today... ace - number one... of pentacles... money... mundane... kapha... the earth... in grounding... how are you grounding today...?... how are you one hundred with your grounding... on top of the game... of the money game ... of money that is divinely blessed?...

...the illustration in the tarot shows a hand that is reaching out form the firmament... the hand of the celestial... above the ground... levitating there...

...how can you go so deep in your situation... in your day to day... that you are above it... that you are creating beauty... shaping it... shaping You... instead of being shaped by the money and the greed...

...today's message is how can you tap into earthly duties to Connect... to go past the transient...

...today is not about bills and rent and money for the train... gas... tolls... today is doing it big... is trusting in the Infinite... that it will Work...

...if you were to do it big today?... how would you do it?... where would you put your money... Knowing that you can't be stopped...

...before you do so... breathe... center... emerge from a place of One... of Source... and things will Align... spend from this place... ask the Essence... 

...tarot...3 of cups... 8.28.18...

.
..three... my brothers and i comprise 3... when one is in conflict we had the other... this could go in cycles... especially as we were from a culture of cups... brimming with feelings... emotional about the karate kid and annie...

...my mom has a cup of tea in the morning... with breakfast.. this is why she can't eat oatmeal or cereal in the morning... this is why only corissants, bagels, rotis, parathas, and other breads make sense for her... she has another cup at 4:30 to 5pm... tea time... she is brimming with overwhelming Love, compassion, emotion... for all... for everyone she encounters... say a kind word to her and her jewlery, clothes, china is yours... she will invite you to a meal...

...the three of cups shows celebration... three women like her sisters, huddled around each other, putting their chai up... cause its a celebration everytime they get up...

...the card shows a clear sky behind them and a ripe harvest amidst them... root veggies emerging from the earth... it is autumn... the last great harvest before the cooler months approach...

...it's time to connect with Loved ones and celebrate life... raise each other up in the process... who are You raising up in Your life?... how are they raising You up?...

...do you recognize bounty when you see it?... perhaps it is already all around you... what bounty lies around you?...

...for me i have bountiful love in family and friends... i have bountiful exposure to ancient math - practices that allow me to grow deeper - these cards - asana - pranayama - dharana - pratyahara - yama- niyama... i have hands that allow me to write, type, touch bodies and transform pain.. to make medicine and meals... i have the high frequency foods of my mother and high frequency thoughts and intellect of my father... i have the insight of my brother and his humble activity to aspire towards...

...i am blessed with seed and able bodied... thriving... i have a job that allows me time to Work on my craft/s... i have the gift of the written word...

...today... consider the bounty you are amidst... and celebrate the bounty of those around you by raising them up through kind words, love and kindness... which dissolves fear... engage in your team and get to Work... 

....number 1... !... the first encounter the wide-eyed-open-to-the-world-everything-wonderous-and-possible fool has to the world...after his parents... is the magician... what is possible?... what is impossible...?... the magician takes the fool into the arms of a world of transformation... in which meanings exist only to be malleable... shift-changing... i record dots after every thought... before they occur... before the before... after the after... i studied creative writing and yet... the magician shows how there are laws... and once the laws are known bending can happen...

...new... number one... from zero... from emerging from the womb... new possibilities... what new possibilities do you see?...

...the laws of the patella are that it floats in space, it buffers the tibia and fibula from the femur... there is no equivalent in the elbow, yet the range of motion is similar...

...the magician stands tall, his wand pointing up... to the firmament...

...between heaven and earth... in between... neither purgatory nor stagnant... the Work is in the Work... what is Your Work here on earth... how are you tapping into divine energy to accomplish it?... what impact do you want to leave before you return to the earth?...

...the magician leaves the fools with lessons that the fool can weigh in his encounter with leaves for herbal remedies... leaves like the little linden tree's calming asymmetrical heart shaped leaves that when folded in half are lopsided... leaves that when infused can calm the heart... soothe the stomach... bring coating to the stomach... the lessons of the magician can be weighed in housing... to live in an apartment or a coop or a condo or a house in a city or suburb or town or rural... or as part of a cooperative eco-housing scenario... the magician teaches the fool to be decisive to use his wand... to transform that which is not of service...

...the magician listens to the fools debate on property on getting some land... on whether he is selling out his soul in doing so... in getting a property manager... in whether or not this is a good idea... as they deal with people like paper... easily burned... he tells the fool not to think to hard... to go with his heart... and as things change to be supple... to avoid getting it right and instead trying... giving it his all... and seeing what happens...

...the fool learns that the most important thing is to be True to himself... to learn with his body and mind as his canvas... that his principles are best served when he applies them internally... like when he considers being zero waste... before preaching to others... he realizes that he must go through the internal journey of this... and this is true with his veganism and yoga...