...2 july 2019...
...odd... ebbs and flows... last year... at this time... drove up to ithaca w poet... on the 4th... caught fireworks... in time for a munchie stop at greenstar... enough time to run in to emperor and get the invitation for cayuga lake... where everyone would be... a pit stop at home... to freshen up... first her... at her new apt... then me... back in west hill... a parallel block...
...in a parallel universe... a bit of a double life... something about the suit doesn't suit me... but yogi-sadhya would tell me that it's just clothes... that they mean nothing... that we give it meaning... that you are merely doing your duty... that... that i would need to go in... deep in... so deep... to transform the out... the interaction... the way i am engaging may be off...
...the year before with 1 who Knows... hit the road... first to PA... and then... that same night... to new paltz... to crash at a junk of a house that a friend of a friend was kind enough to lend us... but if i could do it again, i would've gotten an air b n b with yoga and herbs for brother and i... as the money burned anyway... it's inevitable... time goes... money goes... money also comes... time doesn't...
...dropped him off in poughkepsie and flew to ithaca, pausing in new paltz, at an herb farm guest house yoga space... a dream... there were guests from spain, argentina... apprentices from idaho, mass pike... a dream... within Reach... perhaps the start... with who...
...the main drive behind china was being paid to live somewhere else, fly there, bring my folks there, eat there, live there meet folks there... check out that city and neighboring places... take advantage of and go to india... grow deeper in yogi... hit thailand and indonesia and malaysia... learn thai massage, get thai massage, eat thai food, check out japan... cambodia... vietnam... a n a outside the states... cb coming thru... yusef visiting... steph coming thru... mike and lilli... walking out... and being at work... no car to fall asleep in... now... writing... feels like a dream... was it a dream?... something about being paid for... that i didn't come up with the cash but got paid to...
...then it didn't happen... what do i do now?...
...win win... cause lose win is defeatest... is you win i lose... is what's the point...?... is woe is me...
...whew... so the eulogy is this... he went to china and taught there for a year... and came back... and sent out resumes again...
...what's the end game King?... what are You here for?... to reinforce the tribe you have... to build tribe... to Connect... meaningfully... build meaningful tribe... not just good times...
...this happened most profoundly through massage school... through panchakarma school... through going through a challenge together... in a way that we were learning the material... grappling together with a subject matter... towards something... towards what?... becoming something - becoming a massage therapist... becoming a panchakarmist... becoming a yogi... the universal school of yoga...
...kids... where are the kids?... i keep learning... hearing ... that it is through the Work that everything will fall in place... what is the work i believe in?... what is the Work?...
...being kind... compassionate... listening...
...i value yoga... islam... the teachings of the prophet muhammad, the prophets: krsna... siddhartha... musa... isa... confucius... yellow emperor... patanjali...
...i value Connecting... through movement... through making... creating... cooking... writing... listening... supporting...
...this past year... hard lessons... rather deep and powerful and meaningful lessons... the lesson to be Lover by listening... by letting go of pretenses of self... of what i imagine i am and what i am owed... i have learned through my yelling at Philosopher that i am unresolved with what i believe happened to me... that i am hurt and that i was a victim instead of i was blessed to receive the Love and kindness and discipline that i have... that the story i chose was based on a contrast with a culture i wished to be a part of and that didn't reflect the culture of my home...
...what i am afraid of is to tell you that i raised my voice with my dad on the morning of eid... after going through a beautiful month that felt rich in ease and felt full with community... and i wondered about the question i asked - now that i Know how to fall in Love with You... how do i apply this?... what do i do with it?... and although i had intellectual thoughts towards this end... i believe there is a lesson that last day presented... the lesson?...
...storylines... what you believe to be you... what story you have accepted... how you play this story out... how you asif play this story out in becoming a victim of your own making...
...and that there is heat that seethes within me... this is the morsel for this blog that may be relevant... as a medicine man... as someone on the path... i have anger within me... and that anger isn't justified... and i know you can justify it... i know entire academic departments exist to justify this... but they construct the song of the victim... celebrating victimhood...
...the Truth is... in transitioning from ancient to modern... my senses took over... i wanted... i wanted to be seen recognized attractive... this meant dressing in brands... the latest... this meant spending... listening to the same music everyone else was... pouting... looking mean... it meant being and looking for models of this to become...as my family was from outer space... it meant i learn to not be myself... and it was only in the recent past that i feel me... that i feel like this is me...
...i am indian... even if the new india hates me and tells me i am not... i am bangladeshi... even if i feel disturbed by our over population...
...day becomes night... i have field of things... of stuff... to go through... kids fill this place and i wonder if they are my kids... or what it would be like to have kids... kids who would be teens... in high school...
...the story is that i am here... still... somehow... and jazz helped me rewrite... revise... and i am still here... still in wonderment...
...although things didn't pan out as expected... i understand now... a little bit more... what it means to be a Lover... which is to Love... to try... to be vulnerable... to be in gratitude...
...i am in gratitude... it means to try... to Reach... to do Your best...
...last sun cycle i asked myself what are you afraid of... and walked in... this solstice i realized that i needed to burn the person i have been to Become the person who does what i want... what has to give?... what has to change?... who do i want to Become...?...
...i want to Be a medicine man that is truly of service, who helps people heal by Connecting with You... who builds community that is meaningful... through courses... through courses that grow folks into Being their Highest.... who makes 7 figures in the doing... but this amount is only in relation to and used for tribe... family... growing a world of Lovers who Reach for You...
...what's keeping me?... security in a job... in paychecks... in needing to or feeling i need to have security... in feeling like i will not succeed, will be rejected, will be doing this alone... be isolated...
...who do i have to be come... someone who is singleminded... dedicated... 100... focused... takes risks... believes it can happen... believes it is possible... does not move with guilt about what he hasn't done but moves with lessons from the past... with gratitude of failures, shortcomings and all the Love...
...what do i have to become? what do i have to burn?... the fear... the hoarding... the lack of transparency... the lack of trying... have to become the kind of person who lays out a plan... puts it out... gets feedback through the trying... through the doing... the kind of person who does... and does... and supports other people in the doing... like paul and barnabas... becasue it is Work that needs to be done and you believe in it 1000%...
...3....july...19...
...100 years ago...jewish immigrants in nyc grappling with philosophy in tenements in the lower east side... reimagining another world... one of social equities... people over profit... children running around... growing up like a village... networks through past and journey in a present... transmigration...
...100 years later... mexican... salvadorian... dominican... hatian... nigerian... bangladeshi... chinese... nepali... korean... malian... senegalese... polish...
...100 years later... america... 50 years after simone de boueavoir.... 40 years after movement... resistance... struggle for a new world... resistance songs... all praise is due...
... in the name of ALLAH...
...today... four... five...
...today i met... meet... self... today i was here... watching myself... noticing that i felt inept... that i didn't know how to navigate the space.... that i didn't know how to help... i felt the people there... at the workshop... they knew... and what we were teaching... i didn't know... not well enough... not enough to help... also felt disconnected... didn't feel a relation... felt compliance... felt like i should... felt like i had to be there... compliance... felt like i had to ask permission to leave... to not be there... even though is my born day and they knew... even though i'd worked 5.5 hours straight without a break... in retrospect... felt tension from them... distrust... felt they needed me to be subordinate...
...it would felt better if they gave me more than lip service... more than a text... if they gave me some care today... not just happy birthday... if they said don't bother coming in... if they thanked me for showing up... for putting in work... even though i've been thinking of leaving...
...but that's me expecting from the outside... for me... for me... coming from inside... from within... Lover... what would Lover do... Be present... be honest about it... be charmane... hey... i'm feeling left out right now... after coming back to the office... asking boss... hey can i have a minute... do you expect me to stay right now?... i'm asking... need to know...
...Lover would've been risky... waged risk... knowing that the consequence may be unfavorable... but its okay cause then that's what's supposed to Be... Lover would've been clear that they like to keep a schedule... that they like to know more... that they prefer clear communication... Lover would not pretend... hey... am i expected to stay after my time?... i am fully in it... when i am in it...
...Lover would come home and Love his mom and dad... laugh at their dismay... celebrate them... get them flowers... take them out for dessert somewhere... maybe in L.I.C...
...what would Lover do tonight?... celebrate... give...would gift... take out... go out.... desert at the park...
...what would Lover do about medicine man?... make the medicine... try... be honest... ask for help... help... Love you to Love... have tears...
...what would Lover do about job... look elsewhere... be honest about it... try... take risks...
No comments:
Post a Comment