...in the name of ALLAH... Rahman (Compassion), Rahim (Mercy), Malek (Holder), Qudus (Purifier), Salam (Peace), Muimin (Faith), Muhaimin (Incorruptible), Aziz (Self-worth), Jabar (Healer), Mutakabir (Expanding), Khaliq (Creative), Bari (Unique), Mussawir (Shaper)...
...days 5 and 6 saw the organ of mind more challenged...
...the fast has grown beyond the belly - the hunger in many ways is a blessing - humbling... but as i follow the Guidance i have attempted to grow deeper in Quietude... in saying less... in being more Purposeful with my language and time - reading Qur'an... as prescribed - 30 juz... one per each day... taraweeh prayers... but as i am in a non-muslim environment... and i do seek the company of Seekers... i met with a couple in the backyard of their home in the city... it was nice but i found myself in conversation of matters that were less than important to me... meaning i've grown more interested in deepening Spirituality and less interested in discussing other matters... and then as i came home... to where i am staying... i found myself feeling like i needed to explain where i was and why... although i would've rather stayed Quiet... found myself having to engage in conversation that was less than honest... meaning i was feeling the need to explain and also angle it so that my roommate was accepting of me seeking community... instead i could've said nothing... from a place of Quiet... instead could've went to the philadelphia masjid... instead i could've mostly stayed Quiet during my iftar with the non-mulsim couple...
...i've been finding myself longing for the company of others fasting... going through the depths of this month... who are also in a struggle to transform themselves.... to Reach ALLAH-Consciousness as this month makes available...
...on day 6... i recorded an interview with a sufi from india... and as i alerted my roommate of this the night before and he said he would stay clear for those 2 hours... and as he didn't... and decided to cook... i found myself getting annoyed... it affected my presence in the interview and my ability to focus... instead i could've paused the interview and checked in with my roommate... and asked him how long he would be... or i could've checked in with him after... i found myself growing more and more annoyed with him throughout the day... as i attended a social event... partially out of pressure from him... and although i decided to enjoy it... i started seeing his dominating personality as an affront... i found myself annoyed as i was cooking yesterday evening for ramadhan and thinking how i needed to cook for him as well... even though he doesn't fast... as i may have created an expectation from cooking most of the time... but through Witness consciousness i also noted my own collusion in these matters... i also recognized the Gift ALLAH has granted me to grow deeper in my wounds... what i find challenging or problematic...
....in the name of ALLAH... as i listen to lectures from scholars and those who Know about this path of Surrender in this path... i am finding depth in my own spiritual journey with my ego... my sense of expectation... my disappointments... my fears and lack of transparencies and in turn my making idols out of those who are unworthy of fear... and of course the fear only speaks to how i perceive this flesh and my limited understanding of existence... in going beyond through the Divine names... through prayer... through the fast of more than the belly - the tongue and the eyes and the ears... and by fulfilling Work obligations... i am learning... inshALLAH...
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