...friday night... 5.28.21...

 ...in the name of... 

...j and i listened to sinatra radio in his 2012 beamer as we sat before the nexus of bus stop, subway station, and bakeries... the pour electrified us... we drove a few blocks over to the avenue, the large greek cafe... stopped over at the new mexican restaurant where a dj spun while a few hung towards the front... the pour was only mildy successful in keeping some away... we're close the guy behind the bar gestured with his hand slitting his throat... the Hour is Always looming... we walked back to avenue and up the short set of steps into the warmth of the hostess who informed us that they were closing as well; the place was packed with diners and friday nighters in their best outfits... eating, drinking, being merry... the hostess spent some time talking to us... friendly... kind... kindness is priceless... no cake or sandwich... flows through your body like a sun salutations... liquid gold...

...we drove down to the greek bakery and got some bhakalava... we're closing soon the middle aged woman kindly said in her beautiful accent... there were 6 cops sprawled in the chairs, having coffee and dessert... i said hi... odd... there was a clear power difference... different from 10 years ago... they seemed more sullen... solemn... clearly they knew i knew they were under the microscope in a way that was new... that would keep them from jutting their weapons into the ribs of people in broad daylight and getting away with it... 

...the rain continued into this morning... when i slept in... waking fully rested... all praise is due...

...jesus... our anthropomorphic worship... 5.27.21...

...dropped my cornell dining hat on the switch from the n to manhattan to the n back to astoria to the n back to manhattan yesterday.. all within 10 minutes... 

...the mta gave me a mask after i asked... after the last switch... and hopefully someone has a red hat that is not mistaken for trump... 

...america has been at once real and fictional... great and tragic... and the landscape of buildings and moutains fell out of our spirits on madison park as k and i caught up and were accosted by a young-ish nuyorican cat who wanted to talk at us about jesus being the only salvation and if we thought different or had any other way we were wrong and he shoved the cross down our throat hammering his hate dogma with nails...

...and when i said i'm sorry i disagree with your perspective on jesus being the son of god... we all are... his eyebrows arched and his breath bounced... and he said he would pray for me to become christian and i said i would pray for him regardless because ALLAH isn't the God of one group versus another... he said ALLAH was an unknown... 

...exactly... 

...it made sense... makes sense... the need for us to anthropomorphosize god and needing someone to believe in... it's more difficult to conceive of a 1ness that is beyond human comprehension...

...in the name of ALLAH... 

...blood moon...5.27.21...

 ...the full moon dripped in blood seething through thick black clouds that shed the tears of a kingdom coming on the edge of human time... turtles have long known this and his drowning of them in an aquarium for sights and pleasance to the eye will be a scare on the Day... after the trumpet has been blown and we are asked to account for our time here on earth i fell on my knees and cried...

...i did asana and listened to podcasts while doing my routine and paused here and there to take notes... and what i wanted to do was to serve... to be in a space of togetherness of coming together... never wanted to do this alone... exept for moments of retreat... it's unnatural to be in this level of separation and entrepreneurship... hoping to be in a village soon... in an ashram community of those in path...

...this past month was ramadhan... questions within the frame of recitation - how do i fulfill my obligations... by praying, giving, being generous... nor hoarding... fasting... and Always Knowing that there is no one worthy of worship other than the One... that all else who seek worship are false idols and whether you are seeking to bow to them or have people bow to you... you are engaging in deviating from what is Nature... the Law... All in subservience to the Oneness...

...in this state of Surrender everything becomes possible... your Work then becomes not a bout you getting your name out there... but about Working to be Closer.. to Connect... to fight for the Oneness... in all situations ask yourself... how is this in the cause of the One...?.. and if it is not... let it go...

...i am letting go of dropping seeds that do not yield fruit... i am withholding seed this month... and only planting what will grow the village of Work int he cause of the One... inshALLAH.... in medicine making... packaging... kits... clinic... website... courses... social media... housing... all towards the One...

...what seeds are you planting that is destroying your garden... how are you watering this seed?... how can you weed it out?... what seeds aren't you planting or are being neglected?... plant and water these... 

...in my head... 5.21.21...

 ...into a fade of dark where god is the dark of the majority of the cosmic fabric that i tear at night from the smog ridden power plant blocks from the building that has become a low level prison and the surrounding city a yard i pace i quietly so as not to draw zionist bulls eyes and become the fate of palestinians... 

...over time the pace has grown me into a zombie... the same one i critiqued in philosophical discourses on courses on kiergegaard and kant... wrangling with descarte and vedanta... 

...at the moment its all in my head with all the other things i never said. raging into a civil war and sometimes the civil mono-ethnic becomes a myriad of difference based on time of occurrence, that seems to add a complexion and phenotype... enough to warrant hatred...

...words detonate like the bombs and get incarcerated into a leaden silence that leaves me dragging through the east river like a glum emily dickenson weighing the existential crisis of hamlet as she herself cons9ders to be or not to be... 

...pray for Guidance... 5.18.21...

 

...prayers... bismillah... Compassion... Mercy...

...lingered on the bodies under shrapnel... in gaza... under smoke and drone bombs with stars of david roped around the throats of the occupied, colonized, subjected... hanging from olive branches... 

...without water i phrased words carefully... so as not to be at the bullseye of the goliath with the blue and white stripes... the one who at once monopolizes victimhood while terrorizing, ethnic cleansing, starving babies... we see you... God sees you...

...i wonder how this works often... how evil is dealt with... on the one hand there is the criminal justice system that surveillances entire populations in the u.s... that mass incarcerates poor and working and lower middle class people... but privileges those with money... and sometimes the crimes committed are heinous... deserve repercussion... but what about the crimes of the state? how are those being held accountable...?...

...pray for Guidance...

...prayers for apartheid terrorists to have mercy on palestinians...

...in the name of ALLAH...

...Compassion... Mercy... 

...do be a palestinian... i imagine you have to be in a constant state of compassion and mercy... gandhi... warned against the fabrication of israel... how do you create a country on top of a country that already exists - that is called colonialism... settler-ism... ethnic cleansing... 

...gandhi also said that self defense is better than inaction when you are a witness to crime... 

...what is most disturbing about the apartheid states massacres is that somehow the media paints their ethnic cleansing as self defense... self defense against who?... the people they occupy with the greatest amount of military might in the world... the people they keep deprived of water and food...?... the people they ill at random... and then they go into the holiest sites of these people... start shooting them there... during the holiest month... and when then... one of the groups within this community respond with No... with whatever they have access to... they are painted as the militants... as the demons... as pathological... 

...it makes you wonder if they are able to be this deviant in their reporting... this reconstructive... revisionist... what else are they lying to us about?... what are they flipping?... 

...in the name of the One... may the apartheid colonialist baby-massacring regime of israel and all those who are in it have compassion in their hearts... have Truth in their voice... 

...5.17.21... heartbeats...

 ...one hundred conversations in a day... through muzzles that disguise molotov cocktails at the top shelf bar that weapons dealers stand around... boom... 

...another another... days in 2000's... 2020 like a league 1000 light years ahead of 1981... the fashion still weighs on the necks of 21 year olds like chains, whips... 

...whipped through vernon jackson looking for artists culminating into sculptures i could talk with without a mask by the water... one of them came out of the gong and shared her heartbeat... i hopped on it and skated over grass like it was a skaters pike... asked her if she'd like mine... she nodded tears in her eyes... walked away with it... standing before the geese that i thought i left in p.a... they went from a diet of suburban monsanto sprayed grass to shards of glass bits fleeing bottles of s.o.s... 

...she opened her palms and let it go there, like a butterfly... except my heart's wings were clipped and fell like a cinderblock killing a daughter of the revolution - i recognized her from the murals in palestine - keffiya on her head... dove on her shoulder... an israeli solider's mass murderous rifle in her hand... it was time to go... 

...she left herself on the wall of the ferry were bengali women from astoria projects fished for dinner... 

...post ramadhan... 2021...

 

...in the name of ALLAH... the Most Compassionate...

...3 days have passed since eid-ul fitr... it has been a blur... and when i consider the chronology i was developing through at first daily journal entires that were of the day of... then the day before... then days before in ramadhan... i realize a deep wisdom in the Qur'an that has been a mystery to me - the lack of chronology, that lack of seeming order as it appears unordered...  perhaps time operates like this as well... that i will write more about the day of eid tomorrow instead of working on fitting these ruminations into a neat box that is easily accessible, like 9 steps to a better home life... 

...in the name of ALLAH... i am deeply thankful to listening to shaykh hamza yusef this month... his wisdom and breadth of knowledge has encouraged me to go deeper in my readings of others... not just from a place of consumption... but from a place of philosopher - awe... to reference and encourage the delving into of people i've read who have shaped my mind... people like plath and carol and malcolm x and tagore and shakespeare and the prophet muhammad and iyengar... 

...in the name of ALLAH... after a day of haphazard... ti feels good to re-ground in ritual... in engaging fully... in being steeped in discipline instead of running to capture bits and pieces of it... but there was a lesson in my yesterday of fragmentation... it was that my hiding my self in this room to do my practices... my attempting to figure out how i can escape guests and negotiate social situations in getting to my practices has to do with the fact that there is little gravity to it when it is for myself... which makes sense.. but if it is a sharing... if it is something i am doing as a service to others... whether it is for money or not... then it holds weight... this is the culture i derive from... and it makes sense... 

...so i am being asked to consider this Sign... instead of sneaking out to do yoga or write for myself... doing it in a way of honor... i have  a yoga course i am teaching in half an hour... or a writing workshop i am part of... etc... being accountable to others... people... species... in a space of Service... places meaning to everyone in the ancient world... they understand duty as service to others... paid or not... so fulfilling your duties by leaving a social space to teach a class, to heal... to lead a workshop... are respected... this will have to be the shift in my approach... inshALLAH... 

...day 28 ramadhan 2021...

...bismillah... that's how ibrahim begins his greetings... ran into him at the iftar on monday... was anticipating him... knew he would be there... speaking... offering insight on the condition of our earth and its connection our deen... in the name of ALLAH... 

...the anticipation was well received... more than well... although i am reminded to fight and Work and hope but to not expect... to leave the outcome to ALLAH, as ALLAH Knows best... ALL praise is due... 

...saw him on the open ground... standing in front of a table surrounded by a cohort of young folks... glowing... magnanimous... ibrahim and i embraced... heart to heart... it's been a while... he insisted i sit with him and his students, pulling up a chair for me... i sat... and we immediately fell into our stories... people around us began to eat... the time had come... did anyone call adhan? ibrahim asked... no one did... he considered doing it... as he had been reciting it for his three sons and wife this ramadhan... but someone walked over and did it... we walked over to the prayer mat... it was beautiful to pray outside... alongside others on this path... bowing down in this choreograph of movement to Connect...  all praise is due the voice of the lead went straight to my heart... carried me into the next two rakats after most had dispersed.... i was surprised to find myself one of the last to leave the prayer mat when in the past i'd be one of the first... 

...when i joined the table i fell into a conversation with one of the students... we Connected over forest park... foraging... of mushrooms and mycologists... ALLAH Knows best...

...it was a beautiful night... someone asked me what i was doing in astoria... i told her i wanted to be Closer to those also in a space of fast and Surrender for now... 

...ibrahim and i let together... we shared love of the prophet... he told me looking at the prophets face was like looking at the moon... all praise is due... 

...day 23... ramadhan 2021...

 ...it's really day 26 or 27... i fell into a swarm of time serenading me with the whispers of Lovers...

...on day 23... four days ago... monday... i think... i reparked the car and walked...

...we walked along astoria's ethnic trump stronghold... the flags spangled ammu's selawar and my beard into a ban that was aired through the proches and sports cars vrooming like pickup trucks... they promised an end... 

...in the end we will be soil... both your flag and mine food for worms... our bodies may even touch... become the same field of dandelion spreading our seed with the wind...

...we walked past the dog park... the cyclist rushing past ammu pretended to be on a motorcycle, vrooming with his mouth so she would speed up... i understood... i understood that we didn't know each other... in babylon our individualism... our essential separation makes disrespect... disregard... speed... a reality... i suffer from it too... like the insomnia... watching lives flip me from one side of the floor to another... until it is time to eat suhoor... before fajr... 

...between humans and cars the pigeons lingered invisible with only their droppings proof of their existence... they were more of a presence decades ago... shouting at us from the lamposts to run as the kids with bats and broom sticks ran behind us... as some of them shot rocks at us... one time there was a war... our gang and theirs... we didn't know we were a gang... me and my brothers and the rest of us under 12... but the other ganga, required this of us... i watch rocks nib away at the earlobes and foreheads of my brothers and friends... we came home defeated... running into the shower to wash off our ruin... equiped with stories of our wounds as a byproduct of our baseball basketball adventures... not urban america... not the land our parents came to for savlation in education and civility... we already held the truth a hostage at our young age for fear of even greater ruin....

...we got bread to break for supper, after sun down, wondering if it may be our last meal, or the great supper of isa in the night of the prophet muhammad's (s.a.w) ascension from madinah to jereusalem... the signs were abound, as ammu pointed out - overcast, cool, rainy, feeling energized... and it was an odd number... our numbers in savings and rent and bills and deaths from covid versus heart attacks vs cancer, to how much we saved on the sourdough bread... kept us in a constant state of inventory...

...we prayed... inshALLAH... knowing we had no clue about any of this other than the Guidance we've been given - to remain humble... and even if you don't the Hour ticks and it is plain to see as day into night...

...day 21... ramadhan 2021...

 ...audzubillah... bismillah...

...dressed in insomnia i wondered if the sirens that screamed at midnight, followed by the motorcycles that spat on those attempting sleep, followed the buses that hovered at the stop across the street like a nam era military chopper,  were as suicidal as the drunkards that cursed the invisible passerbys. sometimes they challenged their foes to a duel, right in front of our building, standing on the long stoop, under the brazen lamp determined to keep even the deepest sleepers up, in want of darker times. i wodnered if it was guns or just the testosterone of adoelsence that shot off from the reckless cars screeching and cackling as they sped up and down our block like it was a nascar track. i coughed too, adding to the rawkus lullabye that kept my parents nestled in dreams of a house somewhere in a quiet suburb where saris and punjabis weren't the offspring of u.f.o sitings in taos, new mexico, where cdc officials signed contracts with big headed bots. i wondered until the street lamps accosting our curtains became bleached by sunlight and midnight marauders were replaced by cabs honking, and brazen teens sinking meth in look-how-many-butts-i-bust hip hop were replaced by covid tweensters playing american eagled in muzzles. until it was 10 hours into a contamination of urban american lore praised and romanticized in academic literary circles and i was another day into precious time tumbling on a bed of blankets like dirty laundry running in circles. and finally, like the night was an alchemical detergent, i finally was rinsed into a dream.

...i dreamt i was in a school that was a library for kids... yusef, a friend of biblical stature sat reciting dr. seus books next to me, both of us leaning into  a pillar... on the lush green carpet of the library that kids spat their gums on to reconstruct subway platforms and barely noticed we were there, like straphangers enveloped in screens as homeless panhandlers made pleas shaking coffee jars with pennies and stories of being evicted after returning from iraq where they fought for this country killing entire villages of families as they worshipped to keep us safe and this is how they are treated... yusef and i realized it was time... we left... 

...day 20...5.2.21...

 ...reminders... ALLAH will remind you of the why's of the Law... of why you are asked to engage in halal activities, including staying free of unbelievers - of those who are not engaged in a Spiritual path - whether that be christianity, judaism, hinduism, buddhism... etc... that those who default on this current day frequency default on alcohol, gossip, othering, bonding over gossip and othering... etc... and by osmosis... if you are spiritually weak, or not sophisticated in your spiritual conquering of your ego, you too will be this... i see it myself... saw it on sunday...

...in the name of ALLAH... 

...ran into some friends... talked... caught up... spoke more than necessary... explaining my return... we caught up again later... at a mutual friends bday in the park... which was nice... but again i saw myself attempting to prove my worth... to ostentatiously present my time in yoga, etc... of course it was me and not them... it was me feeling worthless... and without good reason for how i am spending time... or why my yoga practice hasn't landed me somewhere... etc. etc... so it was me... and in the process i learned that i have a long way to go for these last ten days...

...left the outdoor gathering to link with some other friends who were in the area... found myself this time engaging in back talk... as i was prompted to comment on someone... and i atoned by saying it was me in that situation not interested in bonding over othering... but nonetheless i took up space... me... my yoga... and not ALLAH... i didn't make room for ALLAH to speak through me... my nafs won out...

...so it's clear... about these last ten days... about the battle field... fighting even though i'd rather not... when i'd rather be distracted... when i'd rather default into fillers instead of the Work i'm avoding - medicines... clinic... courses... writing... publishing and sharing... inshALLAH to further the cause of the One... 

...day 19... ramadhan 2021....

 

...bismillahiRahmaniRahim...

...i know i'm off with these dates... missed a day in recording a reflection... a couple... over these last couple of days of travel, return... acclimating... situating myself in the Wisdom of rituals... of the 5 prayers... of asana... of breath... of writing... of readingQur'an... of breaking fast in the space of believers of the heart... a departure point from where i'd been doing this alone... it is a much deeper experience to be in a space of community in fasting in prayer in the conversations we hold... the conference of Connection... all praise is due...

...i bear witness again and again that there is no one but One... and i realize again and again how much of my life i've spent worshipping false idols... people coming up on stage and asking to be worshipped... brushing their shoulders off... and recognizing the rebelliousness of their act as something to be wowed by because intrinsically i and we know it is an insult to divinity... that it is more than rebellion to a rule of oppression but being a ruler that is worthy of praise... corruption is often replaced by corruption... whether the group doing the replacement was oppressed or not... 

...day 19 was the return... was the drive back.. was the packing up... was the sights and sounds of the road without radio interference... without seeking to be stimulated with air waves to occupy my times... was spent in dhikr... in remembrance of the Hour that is certain... of doing good deeds as the tokens of homes in heaven... of loving the hereafter more than the transience of this material maya...

...all praise is due... Always... 

...day 18... ramadhan 2021...

 

...saturday saw in me a focus on consistency... on Work... on getting lost in the work... at points an uphill battle with nafs... with alshia,... with i'd rather goto the cafe and chill... instead i practiced asana from 12:30 to 3:15... a weak practice and emotionally unsettling... bringing me face to face with laziness with existential crisis - why am i doing this?... with witnessing me staying in easy poses for long stretches and avoiding vinyasa... avoiding work... counting minutes... and then it was over and upon reflection i could've gone so much much much deeper and wasted time... the Gift... then warmed up some food at 3:20am and ate... after some dental hygiene sat in my room and read Qur'an till it was time for fajr... prayed and went to bed at 4:45am... woke at 10:30ish and immediately put myself into the areas of avoidance - what am i avoiding? laundry... packing... making a pot of kitchori for d... cleaning... organizing... being discerning in what to take and what to leave behind.. clearing me from paths in both houses so that i am a minimal presence... and filling the tires with air...

...at 4:45pm i left the gas station to head for the city... and arrived hours in... at 8:30pm... walking up and down stairs... still with an unbroken fast... brining my things up as i had the vantage of being parked in front of the building and also taking the opportunity to move after being scrunched in the drivers seat for hours... 

...found the Lights of my Life at the dinner table after iftar... exchanged love and unpacked... organized... showered... and sat down... a common pattern in my adult life... moving back and forth and falling into a rhythm of unpacking and organizing first which allows me to feel at home... anchored... before i could eat or drink... 

...it was nice... a blessing... to fall into prayer... after doing asr and maghrib in a state of movement through traffic in the car... recalling the verse in the Qur'an about praying while traveling in a space of unbelievers...

...it was everything to fall into the embrace of my parents and brother's arms... all praise is due... in a space of believers of the heart... subhanALLAH...

...day 17 ...ramadan 2021...

 ...alif ram mim... bismillah... 

...there is much i have no clue about and therein Natural Law makes sense... the sun and moon and earth all follow an order... are prostrate to ALLAH in that order... 

...the prescription of 5 prayers a day... fasting... special prayers and special fasts.... paying zakat... doing good deeds... sharing your deen with others... these are all incumbent upon us... they are obligatory... respecting parents... visiting the sick and dead... and fighting for justice and against oppression are also mandatory for the believer... 

...without these rituals... with the spread of certain nodes in the day to align us with the cosmos... we would lose it... we would default on the default of babylon the worship of celebrities of individuals seeking worship... of becoming one who seeks worship... fame... idolization...

...ALLAH instills humility throughout and discourages arrogance- afterall - it is arrogance that led to messengers being sent to very people on earth and yet time after time the arrogance of these societies dominated until they were ultimate taken as the Hour is certain...

...with time... without a clear Purpose in Work... idolizing, depression, angst, alienation, thrill seeking is bound to take over.... saw this on day 17... when i had some time due to completing my yoga practice early... found myself dilly dallying... being lacsadaisical... it is when i immerse myself in work...without thought... that hours go by in a meaningful way... my hope is to now make the fruits of this labor i've been gifted... available to others... to get out the writings medicine yoga... Love supreme... 

...in the name of ALLAH...