...12.30.21... going In...

...in the name and breath and breadth of the One... You see this... my words ... the thoughts that concurrently collide and deceive one antoehr as they seek to take shape to com

e out right to hide to replace to appear... words with clothes... wolves... sheeps... none of the aboves... i am none of the aboves... human... just a being.. a spirit being... 

...i am realizing... through the talks of viapssana... the teachings of gautama... the teachings of Self... through salat and prayers... through Quiet moments without distraction... through dreams that reveal... that i am and have mostly been focuse on the external... and outside this church... and in being so have shaped words and language and deeds that may lign with something acceptable... and i think what i am learning... meaning really what i am learning is that i could benefit more form doing the opposite... just laying myself bare... this is who i am... this is what i am going through... this is who my mother father brothers are in color wight height birth ecomnics ...

... instead of concocting constructing imagery... a doll house... this is me falling again... my throat was hurting... i couldn't sleep... i wondered if you would text me... i got tired of waiting... part of me didn't care... part of me feels indifferent sometimes... part of me feels none of this will ever work... part of me has given up... part of me believes... when i was hanging with steph i was mostly thinking about you and wanting to be with you... when i hang out and i am not creating... being creative... cooking, walking, philosophizing, moving... i feel like i am wasting my time and would rather be in my asana practice or writing or cooking by myself cause all of this involves a creative process like these words that flicker like electrons that flick and fling and make me wonder about your flings and makes me wonder if... doubt and the one thing that has been deeply successful about us is me not doubting You for a second... Trusting fully in Love and giving without expectation of return without a hope in reciprocity... and benefitting immediately... it is the action of meditation that does this... taking action and letting the action the positive action seed and replicate instead of the negative, the tamasic, the rajasic... the one that festers doubt, anger, jealousy, lies.... 

...this morning i don't need to tell anyone about my yoga practice or going to edges with certain poses and falling and messing up and getting messy... i know... i don't have to tell anyone about listening to my own advice of Connecting with Sprit and moving... and how good this felt... and how at times i'd want to stop not because i was wounded or winded but because i wanted to stop out of laziness out of a mind that sits like a virus and tries to take host of the me... and i would go back... this morning i checked my phone for messages and remembered the words of goenka - to pay attention to sensation with equanimity... 

...in moving forward i talk about and presence me as i am... and listen to you for You... i no longer share myself for appearances... for what i think you would like... but staying Connected with You through being in a state of sensation and equanimity at every moment through ujjayi breath and nodding... doing what the Lover would do... being fully in every moment... in the name of ALLAH... 

...dec 23 2021... trying... to feel You...

 ...been wanting to go there... where nothing maters... where Work is Connecting in the deepest Way... Work has changed for me... the lens of productivity is no longer an aspiration... more so... depth is... how deep can i get?... can we get?... in this yoga... yuj... Union... 1ness ( ALLAH)... 

...when i consider the past few... of jobs and joblessness... i no longer feel a sense of regret... no longer desire a 9-5 or career... a safety net... 

...it's all Connected.. 

...you've said it... heard it... but do you believe it... 

...the Way you speak is Connected to how you walk... how you brush... how you lie... how you try... worship... all of it thought... steeped in either craving or aversion... the hopscotch... 

...so i keep You in mind... keep You foremost... can't help it... but there is me... me who wants to appear... to be accepted... relevant... who desires... is desired... wants to be... wanna be... even though it think it's me i'm being... soemtimes it is... often times it is not... often times i'm just trying to figure it out... 

...i keep thinking/saying that i want to Connect with her deeper... deeply... to see You... to Be with You... to go inside... deep... epic... swim... 

...swam in her... hours... all night... most of the morning... deep... halleleuja... and then there was the rest of the day... there were words... today there were tears... emotion... emotional... landscapes... 

...i wonder if any of my writings make sense... if they are more frustrating to read than they are anything else... i don't consider audience... not really thinking of making sense... fitting my thought.... language to one that might convey what would make sense... not deliberately doing this... just... this kind of writing... these zig zags... 30 years ago and now... astoria and ithaca and palestine and bangladesh and india and guru-nama and alhamdulillah... makes sense to me... 

...i guess we are supposed to make/create in a way that others can read... but if it's from the Soul it will Aways Reach... 

...Always... 

...want everything with You... 

...everything... whispered this in her ear... shook my head... 

...what... she smiled... as we melted... became One... glimpses of krsna... 

...did i see You...?... where You there?... 

...never felt like i belonged anywhere...

..me niether...

...since i was born... 

...me too... 

...where You there?...

...there was a weakness... tears... a lot of them... when we melded... when we became One... when we rocked... when the frustration of not being able to... of obstacle came to the fore... of the tragedy ahead... of how difficult this was... would be... 

...could we have the Love we do if it weren't for obstacle?... for what is working against us?... likely not... 

...in the name of ALLAH... 

...did i Really experience You...?... where You there... the tears felt right... a release... what the Lover would do... go deep... Real deep... what the artist would do to get to the Soul... my my my Lord... 

...of course hare krsna... of course hare rama... 

...these days when i cook i am reminded of intention... of frequency... that the same meal can be made with brevity and expedience or with Love, Compassion... 

...how could i go to that place...?... the place that intimacy brings me too in the moment to moment...?... in the Always... in more than just this moment...?... to embrace the difficult... the difficult is time... is creating from being messy... is embracing the mess of you and you and you... as that is reality... of being nonjudgemental... my Lord... 

...called you my Lord cause i felt it... cause i Knew it was You i was speaking to... 

...my my Lord... 

...the eve of christmas eve and i am in think cafe around union square laughing at paying a $3 tip for a $5 drink... it was an accident... but maybe  deliberate one... one that had to happen... to let go... to see money for what it is... to give to get... to not think of the getting but Trusting that ALLAH is Infinite... 

...my my Lord... 

...zeros... part of me is stuck in the romantic... the desire to be with her... to get back to us... Knowing everything changes... everything... and yet the Soul remains... that that time and place and moment are stamped in d.n.a... will carry forth for generations... what's been stamped in my d.n.a...?... my my my Lord... 

...dec. 22. 2021 winter solstice seed...

 

...last night i jolted to her jolt.... words... the frequency of fear... trepidation... loathing... "get out... she said... 

"get out"... she said it again... 

are you ok? 

no, she nodded... 

she stared at me... bright big, blue, shock, ptsd, ambulatory... 

...pure... honest...

you... you wouldn't let me get out, you were trying to control me... 

i was shocked to hear it... 

you wanted me to stay forever and when i said no, you kept me pinned down in your bed... 

...i felt guilty... even though it was a dream... her dream... her nightmare... i felt ashamed of the me in there... a me that she may see even through my Love and calm... a me that may exist in the vault of men who wield power like batons and police movement like apartheid israel... 

...she told me more... her friend had come to her rescue... sitting in a car outside to get her... to pick her up, take her away... 

...she looked at me... big, eyes large and searching, cheeks trembling... 

i'm afraid she cried... and turned around... i'm afraid of you... i don't what to do... i'm so scared right now... 

do you want me to go to the other room?... 

no, she nodded... 

i looked at her... as ehe looked at me... but then found that maybe i was that person and she was seeing that... and i thought maybe... as i believe in dreams and the signs they present... and i have been battling my own inner demons of ego... of staying clear of persuasion... of what is not unconditional Love... but noticing patterns... perhaps subtle, perhaps not an issue to some... but i see them... i know... i live with my vices, the subatomic particles of kalpas that emit a frequency like lines in stone... samskaras that i have been trying to break down... 

...and yet... the more i considered her story... the more i realized that it was me as a symbol of the men in her life... men who force their way in against her will against her inability to say no... men who are trapped by the body and desire and consider the heart only so much as they wish to control her and her movements... 

...i shared this perspective after asking her what she thought it meant and she said she didn't know and asked me... i shared this after she described the me in the dream... a man much bigger than me... than my ballerina figure... 

...i went from guilt of the me in her dream to re-evaluation... to wondering why i was so quick to believe that it was me... 

...part of it i see as Work i need to do... in letting go... in practicing unconditional Love... in being transparent and honest in my subatomics - clothes, hair, beard, everything... and the less i am in these areas the less i will be in the overall... the less i will be able to transmute the subatomic control centers... 

...but the other part was that there was a symbolism... that there have been men... and the actions of the man she mentioned was far removed from my character... i'm no angel... but i also am not into doing anything against anyone's will... if anything i'm more likely to bounce, ghost, feel sorry for myself and say f it, see you never... than force anyone to do anything... that's never been me... it makes me sick to think about... 

...but as jesus told the pharisees - before you judge the prostitutes at the brothel, look at your own sins... and as goenka-ji says, a tantrum is just a result of a much deeper seed planted... that seed is what needs to be dissolved... the seed of force is fear.... which can cause jealousy, control, from a sense of loss of control, of wanting, desiring control - of wanting what is unrealistic... what is realistic is that people are who they are - noncommittal, sensual, desiring, wanting, the gamut... and that is reality... and attempting to control that reality can be through underhanded detail like iago or through force... both have the same seed... so i'll take the lesson of the inner fear and insecurity that results, and work on transmuting this seed... inshALLAH... 

...othello and desdemona were not set for destruction because of iago but because of othello's assumption of control, of proprietorship... 

...we own no one... not even our selves... but we have leverage over these thoughts and physical movements of this body-mind so long as we are tapped into Spirit... 

...the dream leads to the intention for this new year... to let go of control... of trying to control outcomes... whether that be in my work or in the peoples in my life... and instead to give it my all... to be full... Loving, kind... All... honest... Unconditional... rooting for You... 

...full moon december 2021...

 

....in the name and breath of the Most High... all praise is due... gratitude for my brother and his wisdom - seasons of life... important to honor the seasons people are in... the 20's are a time of exploration... of figuring it out... of enjoying... and seeing what happens... learning you...

...what i learned in my 20's is that i love having someone to have my back, to love me, to hang with... a buddy... a companion... a lover... of having this and more... others... getting away... the excitement of going somewhere, meeting someone new... of racking up numbers and prospects... of constant possibilities... 

...learned by the end of my 20's that i didn't want to be here... that none of this made sense... that turning numbers didn't make sense... that everything changes... changed... and i want something to hold on to... and the whiskey and vodka and gin was killing my liver and organs and making me sick and the weed was making me paranoid and depressed... and the parties were making me dizzy and the not knowing of parties that others knew made me feel left out and sad... and the lack of a meaningful friends circle made me pretend... and that the benchpresses felt good but constraining... and that's when the fast happened... when the relationship to food changed... when the music i listened to came to the fore... there was a frequency there... the next few years would be a hopscotch into this world - everything was different... and yet i wasn't doing the work to transmute the old... just focusing on the new... on the new of post-nani and randi... of wanting something deeper but also being in my patterns of unhealthy relations... growing from pretend-committed to non-committal - l.a., back - then ro... then growing deeper - physically, spiritually, intellectually... but it faded... why?... cause i was driven by the dopamine rush... the drug of our relation... 

...in the name of ALLAH... 

...i could continue... but clearly there is a me in all this... me as a central character... me as the one who created the situations for myself... who made it so that i was not in yoga... filling the time... onto the next... not present... not transmuting... and i don't know what the answers are... i know what seems to Work is when i am deepest in Quiet... when i am not pretending... when i Am fully confident in my skin, body, speech, age, movement, mistakes, risks... Love... vulnerability... pause... i noticed my fear of pause this morning... in my avoidance of ujjayi... of breathing with quick movements so i could have more count than Witness... afraid of the Witness... noticed... noticing my constant tendency to want to control... how i look... appear... am received... how you think should think move... etc.... it is fantasy... an avoidance of reality... reality is what is... the good and the bad... or what you perceive as good and bad... is animate life as they are as opposed to inanimate life like a doll house that i control... 

...on the one hand... no desire to control... on the other hand... it comes up a lot... let go and Surrender... how?... by staying in a Spiritual discipline that is supple, rooted, open, compassionate, fearless, without dogma, alchemizing, embracing of discomfort, fear, risk, change... 

...it hurts to hear what will happen... what is to come... as it isn't always better... nor is it known... uncertain... but all of it is... i ended up back in ithaca through uncertainty... root in this moment... there will never be another nani nor randi... nor chinatown with ro... they are moments... moments that makeup our life... the best we can do is be fully in them... wear them with all of us... 

...this past moon cycle... i learned relearned the importance of these intentions... of Being and manifesting through sincerity in Connecting... this full moon... 

...this full moon... this coming cycle of december into january... i want to increase my Love and vulnerability... through diving into the ocean of Love and swimming... with pause... taking deep breaths and staying in it... instead of flapping... instead of getting anxious about the doom that is to come... 

...some days i think how it would be nice to have a short life... of leaving before this becomes a burden... of not wanting to be old in the modern world... of accepting that i failed... but tried at times... and be a pleasant memory for those i knew... Connected with deeply... but i Know that this is not up to me... that i am not here to decide that... i Am here to help make the world Be Beautiful... a place of Beauty... to walk in Beauty... in the name of the Most High... 

...part of me wants to be on the road... moving... in movement... part of me wants to construct an image a story... a romance novel... even though i know... even though i Know that the most Amazing thing is to speak from You... to Move from You... to give and presence without expectation... 

...i bear witness... over and over and over... 

...instead of lies... instead of being under the gun of society... a victim to be saved... that only you can help... instead of control... the opposite - Love... the opposite of control is Love... unconditional... Love You... want You... want to Be with You... only if you want that... only if you want to make it Work... and if not Love You regardless... because it will Always be You... 

...this full moon i want to grow deeper in my Love with her through greater risk... vulnerability... openness... Source Connection... gazing... Listening... asking... touching... whispering... sharing... giving... crafting... artistness... 

...this full moon i want what i do... all of it to Be Works of Art that open more and more the windows to Soul... to do this in Yoga - in hours of asana - growing deeper in the edges... in the aspirations... in the next stages, in hours of Love making... a vinayasa of inside each other... gazing... stroking... shifting... breathing... becoming stars together... walking through walls in how we move through the city landscape...

...my intention is to make epic Works of art in conversation - Listening... learning from the Listen... presencing deep vulnerability, tears, laughter, gazing... movement... risking ridiculous... playing playful and seeing what happens... sharing yoga... meditation... writing... mudra... pranayama... massage... receiving lessons - french, singing, gifting... Creating... Gifts... kits...

...my intention is to get deeper in integrating these arts as i begin to re-enter the state of currency - of making something... of earning a living... of doing this through my art... 

...in the name of ALLAH... 

...to do Art... take risks... a risk for example would be putting a call out on a writing course/workshop i will do when i'm in baltimore for a couple of days... of teaching yoga... a yoga course... a course on nutrition and herbalism... of building Love and boundaries... 

...what is your art? artistic process?... a risk you can take right now?... 

12.10.21

 ...music harkens eras, time periods, moments in our history... a certain someone, a group... o.p.p. is playing at the cafe and i'm taken to those fast times during college, walking around profiling clothes, hairstyle, strut, and hoping to be under the banner of a league of others who were cool to hide behind, to facilitate my acceptance into being one of you... even though i wasn't... would never be... no one is... as the only fitting in is with our Self...

...this is why people we are stuck on songs, and styles, and a once upon a times get wrecked with substance abuse, cynicism, nostalgia...

...i can't say i suffer from this... all praise is due... stick to You... Your side... and Everything... Breath... 

...pranayama through the day... and even though we were together earlier... even though we are a couple at this moment... it's not because of clothes, or strut, or cool... it is due to Connection... a Connection that is pure Love... pure... You... 

...the difference is staying rooted in ritual, in prayer, in craft, in Work... this will keep us Connected... this journey makes sense because it is showing up without pretenses... with how many had been doing it... many who saw through the maya in their own way... it took me a while... see it now... 

...been seeing it for a while... the discipline keeps me in Sight... the need to go deeper... grow deeper... try... Reach... praise... play... in the name of ALLAH... 

12.9.21

...in the name of ALLAH...

...in the end it is our relations... how we Loved, touched the hearts of others that we will bring with us... gave with our money, time... 

...i have grown to Love the people here... the people that have come through my life... dey... random bran... builder bran... ari.. or... cay... kev... tribes... rest in peace shoshana... i learned from another elder... n didn't respond... 

...responded to other texts... thought about the entanglement of my body with my new Love... the Love between us... thought about the song i would send Love... 

...ammu cried for nanu... for feeling guilt... thanked me for relieving her of the guilt... told her i wasn't saying anything to relieve guilt... that it was the Truth... 

...bullets... take bullets for the people i Love... 

...and it - this life thing - goes like that... conrad, day, sif, warren, firuz, boro apa... humbled... it's humbling... 

...and i get the hustle... and i don't... 

...i see the conflict of tribalism... the beauty of Loyalty and Honor and Respect and fulfilling Responsibilities... and how this could be incarcerating if it is from a place of coercion, of control, lacking nourishment, Love, unconditionalness...

...i want to let You Know that i Love You... and that you can't do anything wrong in my book... and that i will Love You regardless... and i would like to hold you to high expectations but only if it feels right... only if it feels good... only if it nourishes and grows your Spirit... and i'll do the same... and if/when you can't... it's okay... just let me know... 

...ALLAH is Greater than this moment and all moments... more than the 40's and 20's and teens... more than lifetimes... more than the times of day and seasons... and yet we honor You through the times of days and seasons... we are said to bow down and honor these moments of the cosmic calendar to Align... it is these moments that are portals... that Connect us to You... and yet You are even beyond this... so why then...?... would it matter if we didn't do any of these observations...?... can we be in a state of You at all times...?... in the name of ALLAH... 

...i bear Witness that all things pass... that even this song i Love and that Connects me to You will pass... that this Love i am experiencing will manifest into Deeper... will be Always... so long as i pay attention... that maybe it is this relationship that is the Work... the portal... that will Connect me... 

...what then is Love...?... in these romantic scenarios?... why do we fall in Love... 

...i Realize that i grow deeper with You in moments of pause... of Listening... of Honoring what i have Listened to... of staying in the frame of not-knowing... and yet moving with the Confidence of You... 

...of letting go of these performances to Become... 

...the theatre that negates laillahaillala... of performing for others instead of keeping You front and center...

...if i was performing this morning... if i was attempting to be my best... it was to Connect... to Give... more than about me... not about me... about her... about Us... about becoming one... and i feel that... the Connection from mind-spirit-emotion manifesting in physical form... in being inside... not to get off... but to Connect... to Love... to be in Union... 

...these dots... they say a lot... whether anyone sees or not... these words... as they spill... as they go beyond audience and perfomance... as they tell all - me... bangladesh... india... america... new york... ithaca... vegan... yogi... himalaya... cayuga... poetry... bon iver and robert smith... johnny depp and wynona ryder... method man and nusrat fateh ali khan... fana fi ALLAH and ecstatic dance... osho and eco-villages... hippie and hip hop... Quietness... 

...your picture tells me nothing... your conversation... our exchange... everything... you Are everything... 

...hey... how are you...?... Everything... 

...what i'm learning is to let go of distraction... that you can get real deep in worship when you grow more and more singular... yoga for you... cooking for you... eating out for you... socializing for you... praying for you... music-ing for you... dancing for you... bismillah... everything has grown so much deeper... 

...this laboratory of us... of me... of seeing my ways... patterns... to wanting to Connect... to give... to be utmost for you... 

...maybe this is krsna-consciousness... to see you in everyone... and in loving you loving everyOne deeper... falling in Love with all of them as i grow deeper in my Love for You... and it doesn't have to be said... doesn't have to be used to control or manipulate or persuade... convince... but only to Honor this journey... seeing what is possible... learning... taking lessons i missed... not a moments rest without You... 

...and what happens when it dissipates?... it only does if you do... if you embrace distraction... if you try to control... if you are arrogant in the process... instead of Surrendering... each of us have our own Truth and it is only through Surrender that we are able to see, to understand... 

...going deeper in Love... means to Honor... to take pause... to incorporate... 

...in the name of ALLAH... 

...i have not earned income in a while... and yet i feel more fulfilled than ever... i have not shared my medicine in the form of herbs and bodywork and counsel... and yet it is through holding and Honoring space with my relations that the medicine happens... 

...and yet... i Know the sharing is essential... to be in interaction... to Connect with others through Work... to put sweat and blood into what i do so that it Reaches... not to grow or expand or gain fame or popularity... but to Connect... 

...inside this new Love... die... 

...eulogies...

...shoshana was a kind Loving nourishing God-fearing person who wanted to help society through her deep commitment to You... to her belief and understanding that was in prostration to the belief and values of the group she was part of... she sank her own ships of capital and ownership to be with You completely... and shared her beliefs with her group to Guide them in deeper devotion so they would be of the people who you favor and not those of us who go astray... she shared her Love with me... her hopes for me to be part of this Divine covenant... she prayed for me and held me and hugged me and wrote to me when i was away... she was always available to sit down and talk to me... and field my questions with Love and hope in my rescue... all praise is due for her and her walk on this earth and the pain she endured and the Love she emitted...