...been wanting to go there... where nothing maters... where Work is Connecting in the deepest Way... Work has changed for me... the lens of productivity is no longer an aspiration... more so... depth is... how deep can i get?... can we get?... in this yoga... yuj... Union... 1ness ( ALLAH)...
...when i consider the past few... of jobs and joblessness... i no longer feel a sense of regret... no longer desire a 9-5 or career... a safety net...
...it's all Connected..
...you've said it... heard it... but do you believe it...
...the Way you speak is Connected to how you walk... how you brush... how you lie... how you try... worship... all of it thought... steeped in either craving or aversion... the hopscotch...
...so i keep You in mind... keep You foremost... can't help it... but there is me... me who wants to appear... to be accepted... relevant... who desires... is desired... wants to be... wanna be... even though it think it's me i'm being... soemtimes it is... often times it is not... often times i'm just trying to figure it out...
...i keep thinking/saying that i want to Connect with her deeper... deeply... to see You... to Be with You... to go inside... deep... epic... swim...
...swam in her... hours... all night... most of the morning... deep... halleleuja... and then there was the rest of the day... there were words... today there were tears... emotion... emotional... landscapes...
...i wonder if any of my writings make sense... if they are more frustrating to read than they are anything else... i don't consider audience... not really thinking of making sense... fitting my thought.... language to one that might convey what would make sense... not deliberately doing this... just... this kind of writing... these zig zags... 30 years ago and now... astoria and ithaca and palestine and bangladesh and india and guru-nama and alhamdulillah... makes sense to me...
...i guess we are supposed to make/create in a way that others can read... but if it's from the Soul it will Aways Reach...
...Always...
...want everything with You...
...everything... whispered this in her ear... shook my head...
...what... she smiled... as we melted... became One... glimpses of krsna...
...did i see You...?... where You there?...
...never felt like i belonged anywhere...
..me niether...
...since i was born...
...me too...
...where You there?...
...there was a weakness... tears... a lot of them... when we melded... when we became One... when we rocked... when the frustration of not being able to... of obstacle came to the fore... of the tragedy ahead... of how difficult this was... would be...
...could we have the Love we do if it weren't for obstacle?... for what is working against us?... likely not...
...in the name of ALLAH...
...did i Really experience You...?... where You there... the tears felt right... a release... what the Lover would do... go deep... Real deep... what the artist would do to get to the Soul... my my my Lord...
...of course hare krsna... of course hare rama...
...these days when i cook i am reminded of intention... of frequency... that the same meal can be made with brevity and expedience or with Love, Compassion...
...how could i go to that place...?... the place that intimacy brings me too in the moment to moment...?... in the Always... in more than just this moment...?... to embrace the difficult... the difficult is time... is creating from being messy... is embracing the mess of you and you and you... as that is reality... of being nonjudgemental... my Lord...
...called you my Lord cause i felt it... cause i Knew it was You i was speaking to...
...my my Lord...
...the eve of christmas eve and i am in think cafe around union square laughing at paying a $3 tip for a $5 drink... it was an accident... but maybe deliberate one... one that had to happen... to let go... to see money for what it is... to give to get... to not think of the getting but Trusting that ALLAH is Infinite...
...my my Lord...
...zeros... part of me is stuck in the romantic... the desire to be with her... to get back to us... Knowing everything changes... everything... and yet the Soul remains... that that time and place and moment are stamped in d.n.a... will carry forth for generations... what's been stamped in my d.n.a...?... my my my Lord...
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