...last night i jolted to her jolt.... words... the frequency of fear... trepidation... loathing... "get out... she said...
"get out"... she said it again...
are you ok?
no, she nodded...
she stared at me... bright big, blue, shock, ptsd, ambulatory...
...pure... honest...
you... you wouldn't let me get out, you were trying to control me...
i was shocked to hear it...
you wanted me to stay forever and when i said no, you kept me pinned down in your bed...
...i felt guilty... even though it was a dream... her dream... her nightmare... i felt ashamed of the me in there... a me that she may see even through my Love and calm... a me that may exist in the vault of men who wield power like batons and police movement like apartheid israel...
...she told me more... her friend had come to her rescue... sitting in a car outside to get her... to pick her up, take her away...
...she looked at me... big, eyes large and searching, cheeks trembling...
i'm afraid she cried... and turned around... i'm afraid of you... i don't what to do... i'm so scared right now...
do you want me to go to the other room?...
no, she nodded...
i looked at her... as ehe looked at me... but then found that maybe i was that person and she was seeing that... and i thought maybe... as i believe in dreams and the signs they present... and i have been battling my own inner demons of ego... of staying clear of persuasion... of what is not unconditional Love... but noticing patterns... perhaps subtle, perhaps not an issue to some... but i see them... i know... i live with my vices, the subatomic particles of kalpas that emit a frequency like lines in stone... samskaras that i have been trying to break down...
...and yet... the more i considered her story... the more i realized that it was me as a symbol of the men in her life... men who force their way in against her will against her inability to say no... men who are trapped by the body and desire and consider the heart only so much as they wish to control her and her movements...
...i shared this perspective after asking her what she thought it meant and she said she didn't know and asked me... i shared this after she described the me in the dream... a man much bigger than me... than my ballerina figure...
...i went from guilt of the me in her dream to re-evaluation... to wondering why i was so quick to believe that it was me...
...part of it i see as Work i need to do... in letting go... in practicing unconditional Love... in being transparent and honest in my subatomics - clothes, hair, beard, everything... and the less i am in these areas the less i will be in the overall... the less i will be able to transmute the subatomic control centers...
...but the other part was that there was a symbolism... that there have been men... and the actions of the man she mentioned was far removed from my character... i'm no angel... but i also am not into doing anything against anyone's will... if anything i'm more likely to bounce, ghost, feel sorry for myself and say f it, see you never... than force anyone to do anything... that's never been me... it makes me sick to think about...
...but as jesus told the pharisees - before you judge the prostitutes at the brothel, look at your own sins... and as goenka-ji says, a tantrum is just a result of a much deeper seed planted... that seed is what needs to be dissolved... the seed of force is fear.... which can cause jealousy, control, from a sense of loss of control, of wanting, desiring control - of wanting what is unrealistic... what is realistic is that people are who they are - noncommittal, sensual, desiring, wanting, the gamut... and that is reality... and attempting to control that reality can be through underhanded detail like iago or through force... both have the same seed... so i'll take the lesson of the inner fear and insecurity that results, and work on transmuting this seed... inshALLAH...
...othello and desdemona were not set for destruction because of iago but because of othello's assumption of control, of proprietorship...
...we own no one... not even our selves... but we have leverage over these thoughts and physical movements of this body-mind so long as we are tapped into Spirit...
...the dream leads to the intention for this new year... to let go of control... of trying to control outcomes... whether that be in my work or in the peoples in my life... and instead to give it my all... to be full... Loving, kind... All... honest... Unconditional... rooting for You...
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