my abbu tells me that the purpose of the life is to worship. worship fully. cmpletely.
the purpose of human existence is worship?
yes. hence the parable of iblis, shaitan, lucifer. he refused to bow down, he was arrogant in recognizing the creation, and thus an insult to the Creator, to his Source.
thought about this, since my abbu dropped it on me last year, when i asked him. thought about it recently, when i asked a younger homie who is wise in her quietude, about what she felt my shortcomings were.
you're trying to achieve a lot, she said. and that keeps you away from the present.
my boy sim, who i've gotten deep with this past year, agrees.
you're not present, he said. and that's not serving you.
hmmm...
the city beats like high blood pressure shot on coca cola and dunkin in my arterial walls. running on a treadmill at a 100, keeping it a hundred miles and moving, keeping it pushing, can't stop, won't stop.
i'm dropping out of time and life, and fall in the cracks where immigrants like my parents were shoved into when they first came on these shores in the 1970's, to escape the walls of third world dead heaps of neo-colonial 1st world debris.
dead ended. dented. at first. then crashed into a zumba yoga sequence taught by gym gurus high on caffeine, and themselves.
saw it exposed when i read the sheik rumi, when i bowed into a surya namaskar, when i sat in the hospital next to family whose precarious lives reminded me of my own. been running with my head in the clouds, like there is a vision somehwere out there and there is me in city parks and subways wherever i am - in an n train in queens or rushing through trails on buttermilk falls in ithaca. the two don't always add up. but somehow i'm independent. surviving.
not about you, kate told me, some years back, on the phone, when i wasn't sure, when i lost clarity. this is a gift and how you use it is everything. and it's not about you.
today. first day off in a while. past the finsh line. climbed the valley of a massage program to look forward towards the testing site, licensing exam. and so today, no one, nothing. empty. where is everyon? and i'm scratching my head.
at the yoga school earlier, mikey taught asana with grace, telling me, after class, that the juncture of losing parenthood over his stepson could be a blessing.
cher, in advising me about money, tells me that we are all worth it, and when we offer ourselves for nothing, we are reflecting how we see our worth.
it's about homeostasis. there is an exchange. you can't give give give and expect to be healthy. economic health is part of physical/psychological health. if your offering service, and you can't pay your bills and rent, and get food, then you are offsetting your purpose.
cher drops jewels everytime we hang. we split a spelt waffle at the mate factor, where the elder sis from the 12 tribes, came out earlier, looked at the kids playing outside, and said how sweet it was.
she smiled, came over to me, as i sat on the new stone bench, cross legged, sipping on the veggie-lentil soup i made earlier. she asked me where i was from, where i was heading.
from the city...somewhere out west maybe
if you ever need anything, we have people all over, she said, retruning inside to give me a directory of their tribe.
felt good to have an honest exchange with her. at first i wasn't sure how to respond to the where i'm heading part. truthfully, i'm not so sure. but the intention is clear. and i shared this. and this truth led to a new one. a sharing.
the other day, during a lunch with friends, my homegirl's husband asked me, after i mentioned i'd done ramadhan this past year, what religion it was part of.
islam, i said.
he looked disappointed.
my homeboy noted this, mentioned it to me later.
it was a truth. this is who i am. can't change truth for others satisfaction. truth is always truth.
i write cause i have to, i told the barrista, here, at gimmee coffee. she graduated with a journallsim degree. even before i took a writing class. i scribble cause i needed to. i still need to.
purpose today is to clarify next steps. the methodology in this is begin with calm, set aside anxiety, take yogic steps into pranayama, dhyna, recall/repeat yama/niyama - warrior code. then write, write, write. methodology is, avoid reading how-to's. they don't know.
how-to's are babylon drugs for the addicted new-age, post-ancient, post-soul, spirit-broken spirit-seekers, who are hollow and without ancient mathematic. they help some. so blessings on them and there process. they lost sotmhing somewhere along the way. so did i. but i remembered during a 7 day liquid fast, over a decade ago. remembered, a borough away from my family, that i come from an ancient tradition, a path so profound that time holds a watch to watch me dissolve.
purpose, my purpose is to build community, 7 generations. build community that works towards the stars, a bigger purpose than just this moment, than just a house. the vision of the purpose should cover 7 generations. the purpose is what has always been - to surrender to the One-ness. this happens through worship. through deep worship. through learning from the wise, the enlightened of the past, and carry forth their torch in the doing. worship happens through the doing. what am i doing? what am i offering? how am i being fearless, diligent, urgent, compassionate, a lover in my purpose?
the lover gets a car. gets it checked out, titles and inspection approved. the lover packs, downsizes. the lover wrties a poem, sends it to the women he loves. the lover sits by the lake in sunset, gets in the water, cries. the lover bows down in a quiet area, on the grass, even as people suspicously walk by, with their hands clutched on the daily news carciaturizing the path of surrender as pathological. the lover has a table of ayurvedic herbs, sets up shop on the ground, with his duffle bag and sells his herbs and tea, from the tea maker he carries in his car. the lover is invincible in his approach, as vulnerability is a constant modus operandi, and neither money, nor rejection can stop his love.
today i am a lover, i make calls and give my love to the loves of my life. today i am present, show up fully. today i got a car and a title. today i got deeper in utta-pada-angusthasana. today i called you and you and you...today was community economics. today i poured myself onto these 2 dimensional pages. today i read what is essential, what i am, because i did. today, everything was in the doing. cause, yes, i do, i do do do...
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