...full moon july 2018

...do it different... focus on one thing... embrace fear... and at every given moment, ask yourself:
what am i afraid of?  am i off focus? and how am i doing this different?...

...repetition... purpose, actualization... listen... the One... this is brief... do it now... i get it now i think... get rumi... get maybe why all his poems were about this... perhaps they were all conversations with self, with him self... to remind... and as many poems as he wrote many more were needed to be reminded...

...the jewel from my dad: working with singleminded dedication reaps success...

...fasting... day 2/3... fasting for You... for me... for shedding... for letting go... for the chyrsalis... for Be-coming... at times i am ready to disappear... to dissipate... feel overwhelmed by it all... don't get it... hear the critiques from others, the feedback... and appreciate it... appreciate that others take the time to tell me what it is... to step it up... emp does this, ammu does this, cb does this sometimes... he is more like smack, who just makes sure i'm supported, that i'm right regardless if i'm not... makes me choke up...

...i enjoy being this for others... whether your right or wrong you're still right... and i mean the core dozen... i mean those i trust and Love... like my boy step, and smack, and naum, and really... anyone in my life who i Connect with on this level...

...all over the place... been all over the place... i'm afraid to tell you that i'm all over the place... that i've lived in more places in the past few years than many people have in their lifetimes... and somehow i keep ending up in this loop... keep ending up returning to queens... to the apartment of my upbringing...

...been told from people in my life that they want stability from me... and i know i rely in stability from others... because i am wind... because staying anywhere feels like a commitment... and i want to commit... but committing to not knowing has been scary... so whether it's nyc or another place... i am committing to a not knowing... instead of moving somewhere for work or school, i move based on wind... based on Connection... but i'm learning the Connection is in the Work... in the exchange with You and You and You...

...single-minded focus on herbs/medicine making and medicine-manning will get my medicines to you... will get much needed medicines to you... and Connect You with Source and manifestations of Source... is letting go of those and that which is not on path... is keeping thick and not stretching thin...

...the Work is and should only be Guided by Connection... by what needs to be done to elevate to heighten Frequency, the God-vibration... Om... all praise is due... and doing this in community has been the want... the desire... but in the meantime... do it... get it done... out there... hold space for others to work with you... as people out here in ithaca have done - tammy sweet, 7-song, and others who have herb schools/programs that bring people into cohort experiences... there are yoga schools that do this as well... perhaps use that model... even though it is driven by an individual and personality... do this until...  focus on the medicine... getting you medicine kits this month...

...be honest with Yourself...

...in the name of Essence... all praise is due... this moment is here...gone... a story of a moment at a cafe on the day that grassroots concluded...

...and the only plan that has been steadfast is bowing down to You... through prayer, asana, connecting with food and Your creation in a meaningful Way...

...i'm learning... and don't know if it's what i need to be learning... but learning...

...here is what i am learning... there are things we Are afraid of... many things... should we walk into all of them?... i am afraid of rolling down a mountain... should i do it?...

...i Am learning that we should embrace fears that draw us Closer to our Purpose... that there are people who will come into your life and they may stir you in certain ways... and the greatest opportunity is presented by way of emotions that well up... and it is safe to run away... but what is greater is to confront them... to approach them... to be completely honest with them and your self... and this will get You through... this will grow You...

...and if You continue to have the same challenges and issues with others... then ask yourself what about me is leading me to feel this way?

...afterall.. it is easier to focus on others... on what about them?... about that person...?... but it is you/i that assess, evaluate as pleasure or pain... if it is pleasure- yay!!! - if it is pain - no!!!...

...what is the pain you are running from?... perhaps it may be that you are attempting to control a situation... what a great opportunity to let go... perhaps your sense of being dishonoured stems from being your expectation for being treated differently... let go of your ego... what if your ego wasn't in the way?... what would the situation look like?...

...all conflict poses opportunities... for you to grow deeper in your journey... for you being honest with yourself and with others... if someone constantly brings about hurt in you... look at why... instead of looking at that person...

...embrace fear in every situation... but Work towards Your Purpose... let the journey of embracing fear and being present be the end... what if this was the end...?... perhaps you would engage your energy in a Way that was more meaningful... perhaps you would realize you have wants that are okay and that another may not be able to fulfill and its okay to be honest with them and yourself... and let go... and do it from the point of you... and not a judge of them...

...i want you and you don't want me in the same way... and i would be more injurious then beneficial to our relation... and i would like to spend my energy connecting with someone who feels mutually... as i can't convince you of anything... nor do i want to... and who you Are is beautiful... it just doesn't align with my Way... and i want to wish you peace in yours...

...so that's it.. be honest with yourself, as you embrace fear... be meaningful with Your time and others... and let boundaries come not from a place of anti- anyone but an embrace of You... and growing deeper in this embrace...

...stay focused on Your Work... do it with worship... and those who You must align with will... and those who detract you from the path... embrace with Love... and honesty... and what comes up for you... and let go... and continue to Work with focus... so at the end of the day, you can answer the question ALLAH will ask you after all this - how did you spend your time today? - with full-heartedness and a sense of completion...

...afterall... 1980's 90's 2000's 2010's... grade school... high school... college... all of it... people... ex's... moives... all of it passes... so Love... fully... with focus on Your specific task... be honest... with yourself... and others... as you seize the opp to grow deeper in what comes up in the face of fear... and let go....

...i hear excuses...

...that's what emperor said...on our drive to the adult summer camp he organized... the one with 3-4 people showing up everyday at 5:30 a.m. ...

...attended the last one... he scooped me... asked about the dinner the night before... the potluck i invited him to... the one out in trumansburg...

...nah... didn't go...i said... didn't have a ride... i'd texted him to see if he would want to go, so we could ride together... also texted my homegirl... neither of them were interested or could make the time...

...what i'm hearing, he said... is excuses...

...i almost responded... almost reacted with context - i don't have a car... that's why i asked you and i tried reaching out to....

...but that would've been ego speaking... that woulda been me trying to make a point... me of the lower me... me of the one stuck on an identity and defending that false-self... so caught myself... and just listened ... and glad i did...

...you are telling me what you couldn't do... but what could you have done?... if you really wanted to go... if you really had to go...???... i mean... think about your resources... you know me... i have an extra car sitting around that no one is using...

...he was right... i was making excuses... i am making excuses now... i'm living in a perpetual series of excuses... one after the other... and you know this... you know it to well... cause you may be too...

...what is it that you want to/need to be doing that you are not... why?... what are you waiting for? what has to be right? what are the missing pieces...?... and by you not doing it... by you not doing that thing that your heart and soul are tugging at... that is telling you that it's important to get done... what happens to the world?... what happens to those around you and those around them?... after all we are all here for a reason... and if you aren't doing your share... then the rest of us suffer...

...i want to get medicine out to get people off the death-pital system... to get people into a state of health - of Real well being - of Connecting with Essence and trusting in what Essence has provided through herbs, food, body, breath, each other - community ... i Connect with you through this medicine by making it easy to use, tasty, pretty, affordable, and yet expensive... like the jeans you adorn... these expensive, these is red bottoms, these is bloody shoes...

...i want you to treat your body like it's expensive... and if you do... if you invest all this money on yourself and go through this and Connect... then i will give you all your money back... i don't want it... never did... and then Connect with the Body - me and her and him and they and... cause we need each other... bad... real bad...

... mid 2018 reflection: letting go ...

...7 months into  2018...

...what were your intentions what di d you set forth when the ball was dropping, when the calendar ticked...? when the earth completed it's cyle a week prior? where were you? where are you now?...

...i was in ithaca... involved in transition... in leaving... in prepping for india... in saying goodbye to queen... to emperor for the moment... he cried... told me that it would be big... that i would be brining back revelation...

...bangladesh left me coughing... in a fit with my sense of culture, of home, of place... it brought me closer to banyans, and coconuts, and lungi's and flutes, and oral tradition, and poetry, and chai... and the ashrams in india... in rishikesh... in to the algebraics... it brought me into a space of Knowing...

...in india i saw myself... the constant need to not be home, the need to interact with the world through consumerism, through shopping, through vegetarianism... getting snacks... sweet potatoes, coconuts, dosas, chopping it up with the vendors...

...the great revelation in india was that i was addicted to be in the space of you and you and you, and needed You... needed You so desperately i walked... feeling divorced from you at home, in the space of closet, of closed, of isolation...

...and this revelation manifested in ramadhan... when i asked... how do i fall in Love with You?...

...ramadhan allows us to grow deeper in You, partially through getting Closer to Your Creation... through Connection... we break fast together... we humans Connect deeper through you individually through abstinence from senses, but then, we do this in community, and in community, in this shared struggle, we awakened into You, we grow Closer... and Surrender...

...i'll have to tell emperor, whose bday is today or tmmrw... i will have to tell him that this was the revelation... that this is the most important thing... and what i found was that in the modern world, which co-exists with the ancient in bangladesh and india, that this happens through the market place... through Connecting in the marketplace...

...in capitalism... in the world we are in... the way for me and You to connect, in a way that is facilitated, that allows for wu-wei - effortless effort - is through the marketplace ... and for me... the offering i have for you are herbs to help with your pain... some stories that can help you connect with these herbs...

...in my daily vinyasa... in asana practice... i am reaching my leg deeper down my back... i am rooting my right leg deeper into Your earth, so i can surrender into Your balance... into Your decree on destiny - part You, part me...

...i get it queen... it's part you and part me... and that the letting go is essential... that you are in every one... and i will find you regardless if we never see each other again... and it hurt... five months ago... two months after i returned... to face this Truth... you held it... already knew... wsidom that i've grown to accept but tremble in... cry each time... like i am now... letting go again... more than a transaction though...

... during that time... when my surrender was to you... i still kept You in my ritual... in my qibla... and when i put forth intentions, based on your signs - on the earth's completion... i said that i would embrace uncertainities for a certain period of time... that i would commit to these uncertainities... for a certain period... then re-evaluate... and i would do this in a space of collaboration - me working with  you, in comversation with you... us working together...

...all praise is due... the revelation i have received from this intention is that collaboration... for the time being... like the hustling-hard in dhaka... happens through interface with the bazaar ... and to embrace the bizarre of it all as what it is... as it is...

...and as my b'earth, my mother's day of birthing me has passed a week ago... what came to mind... the intention in the space of reflection that occurred is that i should do one thing... do it different... and walk fully into the face of it...

...so at every juncture now... i ask myself... what am i afraid of?... i suppose i am afraid of you really reading this... i am afraid to publicize this and have no one read it... i am afraid that this means nothing for you... that you have too much on your plate... i am afraid that the friend i let go of today is needing to go at the moment... as i write this... i am afraid i won't figure it out... and i walk into the face of it... by naming it... by calling it what it is... by  doing the work to actualize the question my dad asked that has become part of new Guidance: what did you do with your time on earth?...

...as i let go of queens and poets... i embrace You deeper... i go deeper in the Work... in the medicine...
all praise is due...

...do one thing... walk into the fear of it...

...who do you respect deeply? what about them? how did they actualize their Purpose? what is their story? legacy?

...what about you is keeping you from actualizing Your True Purpose? how do you shed it...?... how do you feed that which is already in ALLAH-ment?...

...how do you take on and metamorphosize into that which you haven't been but need to become to do what you haven't done, but need to do, to actualize Puropose...?...

...are you putting in the work...?... everything... all growth... requires work... Work... Work, as the prophet of this path of Surrender to the Source of Peace (islam)... reminds us... is worship...

...respect: malcolm, che, gandhi, my dad, moms, my brother/s, queen, poet, smack...

...respect them because they are fearless... they are honest... they Love deeply... they are compassionate... they work hard... they go harder than the paint... 

...what do you Love about who you are...?...

...i love my asana rituals, cooking... getting deep with the cooking... writing... siesta... prayer... veganism... scripture... hadith... the rituals...

...what is missing for you?...

...for me... making money... interacting with the world in a meaningful way... from a place of Work... and this leads to space - not having my own space... what's missing is being engaged in flow through work, through currency... community... interface with you... what's missing is wifey, children, growing family...

...how have you tried before?... i tried to work with clients by just working on my website... i would talk to people here and there... but it would be confusing to them... i said i did this and that... i didn't actively engage in a Purpose, in a solution with community... and instead, just said, this is what i do... one on one... and i'm real... and i'm doing right by tradition... instead of doing... instead of spreading the Gospel of Essence... and the importance of this work... and sticking with it...

...i was waiting for things to happen... spent time doing everything else... taking walks... chopping it up... eating... but not putting in the Work... 

...the Work needs to be done... what is the Work that needs to be done?... 

...the Work for me is to build family... to build Love... to build community... to feel meaningful... for all of us to feel meaningful... to be accountable to one another... to be a part of meaningful community...

...why? becasue: individualism, isolation, lack of trust, lack of respect for elders, for each other, for land... becasue ego, because of self-grandizement, ego inflammation... because the Way of village is becoming extinct... and the earth is being killed... and peoples who abide by Laws are pathologized and bombed out of existence...

...how do you do the Work? ... through the herbs... through courses in yogi householder life... through collaborative spaces... through cooperatizing... 

...who has done what You want to?...  organizations... those who worked together... ones in the 30's, 40's n 50's n 60's... those who worked like ants and bees... for each other... not to sustain themselves... not to be okay... but for the greater/est good... 

...how do i shift to become that?... become part of an organization... be accountable... be part of a cooperative... healers cooperative... 

...what about subsistence? one thing at a time... focus on the herbsl formularies... put them out... get them in stores... do talks on being free of the death-care system... of being healthy in body mind spirit... and see clients... offer them medicines that will help them... 

...this new year...

...the swing... high... low... how low can you go... and high... how high...???...

...up in smoke...

...emotional landscapes... people doing... subsisting... run into folk i haven't seen in a few months... town is different... some folks gone... he tells me... behind his laptop... working remotely... making money on the 4th... he tells me he spoke with her earlier today... i ask questions... inquire... curious... wanting to know... even as it occurs to me that i have no control... but i forget this... for a moment i sit in emotion... i dwindle into that state of f this and that and her and him... him for being in touch with her... her for trying to keep in touch with me... responding to him... reaching out to me, but unresponsive when i write... remember that she's being her... whoever that is... and that to Love means to let go completely... to let go... even as i sit in the ghost of our shared space... in the moments of trepidation anticipation confusion... all elements of false idolizing... of working towards that which is false of reaching in the wrong way, of seeing that which is illusive, of the maya, of wanting to control that which is incontrollable,  as all moments pass into You... of feeling the feeling of fear and tremble that is reserved for ALLAH...

...and i get it now... the fear of ALLAH, the emphasis on the fear... it is the fear and tremble you feel for a lover that you are in anticipation of that You seek, that You are unclear of... Love stories after-all are packed with that goosebump, that down that covers skin and heartbeats... and whether it happens or not...

...new era... people move in multiple ways... the Qur'an... the pradipika hatha yoga... the sutras... are as relevant today as they were a millenium ago... a contrast to modernists who say we have to adapt to the modern... try saying that to the sun, the moon, jupiter... the seasons... to the galaxy...

...that which is will Always be... has to Be... cause of Are... cause of Always...

...i run with this keyboard... knowing sometimes... sometimes sitting with the knowledge that people are getting degrees in this... are in programs for this... are getting paid to do this... are doing public speaking on this... and these contrasts exist... and these contrasts of being should only leave us Reaching... leave us trying... getting deeper in Struggle towards Truth... vs reaching back... vs going backward... never looking back... but working from there...

...what is it that i am afraid of?... i am afraid of spirits... of ghosts... the ones that sit next to me and you as we go through time and space... as what was is gone... but the words, the vibrations... the frequncy of being lingers... and here... this is what i write... how i write it... new generations emulate... grow... get deep in what those behind them have left behind... conversate... afraid the conversation is closed to me... that i am not welcome... that the door will be shut again... so instead of embracing the million shut doors... i shut with them... i go deeper inside... hidden... instead of seeing the door that's been in front of me this whole time... completely open... competely ready to take mre in...

...what are you agraid of in this writint... to share it for you to see it... for you to judge me... for you to be like what the f... is he writing about..

...afraid of trying and failing... so i do... in mediocrity... i reach for it ALL... afraid if i say hi you won't return a smile... a hi... will ignore me... and everyone will see... afraid you will say that it won't work... and that's been the pattern... a single closed door or 4 or 5... and i sink into a f it... into whatever... into a f u and f me... cause i'm not good enough...

...so... embrace this fear... embrace fears in asana in the culinary in relationships - want to tell you that i need to be alone right now... going through doubt in you as i get clearer on You...

...embrace the fear of commitment... of staying on it not becasue you will reject or embrace me but because of wu wei... because its what i love... becasye its You that inspires me... becasue i am inspired by gifts... by connecting with you through Gift...

... i am afraid that i am failing at this and you are somehow succeeding and this makes me want to react... want to grow deeper in the spiral... wanting to disdain you because i Am disdaining me...

...i am afraid to Love fully... unconditionally... because then You Are foremost... You will Always Be foremost... and i can Love you and you and you...

...so this new year i Love from a place of ALLAHment... of embracing in every second what it is i am afraid of... asking myself this... and doing this from a place of Soul vs hurt vs emotion... this new year i walk towards this fear by committing to one thing at a time... and going a million with it... not to get a job at your job place... but because whether the door is open or closed... it is open... because this is who i Am...

...what am i committed to? what scares me every step of the Way in this commitment?... how do i embrace it...?... i am afraid to draw boundaries - draw boundaries... i am afraid to be rejected publically - embrace rejection as a Gift... i Am afraid to stay focused... because i may lose out on something else... lose out... i am committed to growing my family... my village... by being a meaningful member of this tribe of humanity as a medicine man who Works because there is Work to be done... and all my rituals are subservient to this...