...the swing... high... low... how low can you go... and high... how high...???...
...up in smoke...
...emotional landscapes... people doing... subsisting... run into folk i haven't seen in a few months... town is different... some folks gone... he tells me... behind his laptop... working remotely... making money on the 4th... he tells me he spoke with her earlier today... i ask questions... inquire... curious... wanting to know... even as it occurs to me that i have no control... but i forget this... for a moment i sit in emotion... i dwindle into that state of f this and that and her and him... him for being in touch with her... her for trying to keep in touch with me... responding to him... reaching out to me, but unresponsive when i write... remember that she's being her... whoever that is... and that to Love means to let go completely... to let go... even as i sit in the ghost of our shared space... in the moments of trepidation anticipation confusion... all elements of false idolizing... of working towards that which is false of reaching in the wrong way, of seeing that which is illusive, of the maya, of wanting to control that which is incontrollable, as all moments pass into You... of feeling the feeling of fear and tremble that is reserved for ALLAH...
...and i get it now... the fear of ALLAH, the emphasis on the fear... it is the fear and tremble you feel for a lover that you are in anticipation of that You seek, that You are unclear of... Love stories after-all are packed with that goosebump, that down that covers skin and heartbeats... and whether it happens or not...
...new era... people move in multiple ways... the Qur'an... the pradipika hatha yoga... the sutras... are as relevant today as they were a millenium ago... a contrast to modernists who say we have to adapt to the modern... try saying that to the sun, the moon, jupiter... the seasons... to the galaxy...
...that which is will Always be... has to Be... cause of Are... cause of Always...
...i run with this keyboard... knowing sometimes... sometimes sitting with the knowledge that people are getting degrees in this... are in programs for this... are getting paid to do this... are doing public speaking on this... and these contrasts exist... and these contrasts of being should only leave us Reaching... leave us trying... getting deeper in Struggle towards Truth... vs reaching back... vs going backward... never looking back... but working from there...
...what is it that i am afraid of?... i am afraid of spirits... of ghosts... the ones that sit next to me and you as we go through time and space... as what was is gone... but the words, the vibrations... the frequncy of being lingers... and here... this is what i write... how i write it... new generations emulate... grow... get deep in what those behind them have left behind... conversate... afraid the conversation is closed to me... that i am not welcome... that the door will be shut again... so instead of embracing the million shut doors... i shut with them... i go deeper inside... hidden... instead of seeing the door that's been in front of me this whole time... completely open... competely ready to take mre in...
...what are you agraid of in this writint... to share it for you to see it... for you to judge me... for you to be like what the f... is he writing about..
...afraid of trying and failing... so i do... in mediocrity... i reach for it ALL... afraid if i say hi you won't return a smile... a hi... will ignore me... and everyone will see... afraid you will say that it won't work... and that's been the pattern... a single closed door or 4 or 5... and i sink into a f it... into whatever... into a f u and f me... cause i'm not good enough...
...so... embrace this fear... embrace fears in asana in the culinary in relationships - want to tell you that i need to be alone right now... going through doubt in you as i get clearer on You...
...embrace the fear of commitment... of staying on it not becasue you will reject or embrace me but because of wu wei... because its what i love... becasye its You that inspires me... becasue i am inspired by gifts... by connecting with you through Gift...
... i am afraid that i am failing at this and you are somehow succeeding and this makes me want to react... want to grow deeper in the spiral... wanting to disdain you because i Am disdaining me...
...i am afraid to Love fully... unconditionally... because then You Are foremost... You will Always Be foremost... and i can Love you and you and you...
...so this new year i Love from a place of ALLAHment... of embracing in every second what it is i am afraid of... asking myself this... and doing this from a place of Soul vs hurt vs emotion... this new year i walk towards this fear by committing to one thing at a time... and going a million with it... not to get a job at your job place... but because whether the door is open or closed... it is open... because this is who i Am...
...what am i committed to? what scares me every step of the Way in this commitment?... how do i embrace it...?... i am afraid to draw boundaries - draw boundaries... i am afraid to be rejected publically - embrace rejection as a Gift... i Am afraid to stay focused... because i may lose out on something else... lose out... i am committed to growing my family... my village... by being a meaningful member of this tribe of humanity as a medicine man who Works because there is Work to be done... and all my rituals are subservient to this...
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