...summer solstice... surya namaskar... 6.21.22...

 

...in the name and breath of the Most... i bear witness that this is something beyond the knowers... beyond the dictionary writers... beyond the movement mission statement drafters... beyond the identity politics of me and my people versus everyone else... beyond temporary sensual exchange... 

...i Realize permanence in ammu and abbu... in their Love... unconditional... kind... giving... accountable... deep... more touch than hours and days of bedrooms with lovers... 

...i understand what Spiritual means through this depth of Knowledge... of teachings of Being born into a family of gurus... Real Gurus move in Quiet... without ever claiming this... through their words and deeds... 

...108 salutations left me falling apart... in disrepair... in counting... in accepting that i needed to go through this... this falling apart... this burn... to embrace it... to stop counting... to stop looking ahead... to be okay with no pauses... no looking at my phone... no wonder of who is texting calling... being okay with being in the 54th salutation and examining my alignment... my geometry... was it matching with the Sacred Geometry as prescribed/Guided by the Sages...

...there is something deep about those who embrace... who do not question... for years i thought it was the other way around... that it was those who question everything that was smart and knew something... but i Realize that it may very well be the other way around... that there is a depth of Knowledge to those who accept... in the name of ALLAH... 

...what i burned today was:

...of judgement that causes walls and a lack of compassion/understanding... that my universalism itself has become a wall against those like my past self caught up in identity walls... and instead embrace that people are were they are through compassionate path... Being deep and clear in path and universalism without tearing down someone else's perspective and path... 

 ...not seeing things through completion and brought to Light completion commitment - seeing things through no matter how hard no matter how messy and imperfect... as the journey of the 36 taught me... 

...expecting reciprocation for things i may do... the way i may speak or move which i may view as considerate, kind, sweat labor... and instead do because it is Worship... that the Work itself is Worship and doing from a place of Worship of the Oneness... of Soul... instead of trying to impress... instead of trying to get you to worship me i Work to Worship not to be worshipped... with no expectation of a return... 

...what this means practically is to go deeper in the Work to share it to collaborate... to do this through going deeper in Love without convincing... with only doing... with clear communication... with and from that place of Warriorhood... 

...of course this happens only through Work... through internal Work... through a plan... through being supple in the plan and Working towards it... in the name of ALLAH... the Most Compassionate...

...today is a clear sign of the One... a marker of seasons, days and times... 

 

...summer solstice 2022...

 ...in the name of the Most... Compassionate... Mercy... i bear witness over and over as death is everywhere... and leaves me you us in a state of wonder, awe, hamlet... 

...hamlet is once a noun, adjective and verb... the state of not getting life, of being in wonder, amiss, crushed by the ceiling that is existence... that even alexander the great had to die... became a jumble of bones... and of course if we do reach old age then our death will be less romantic... less memorialized... 

...in the name of...

...blessed summer solstice... blessed blessings... the time of year when the day is longer than any other day... when you shed light on what is happening in your life.. illumine what is holding you back... and let what is holding you back burn... 

...what is hold you... keeping you from You... from being One... from being non dual in Your relations... in the past it was being engaged in identity politics in an us and a them and in my recent past it has been the opposite - have little room for identity politics... feeling betrayed by it... feeling like it wasted my time and made me separate and dishonest in how it made me pretend... play into the racial theatre of an us and them... and in the process letting all the multicultural/ethnic/racial us' get away with being ethnocentric, ant- this and that, violent, self-involved, hierarchical in who's more oppressed... but even this line of thought... this critique is after all separating... creates walls... lacks compassion...

...if the One behind our breath, behind our safe placement through the womb and our making it here... this far... whether you are 5 or 85... is constantly showing Compassion... is constantly in a state of giving ... even if it is cancer and you're on your way out... then who are we... me... to lack compassion... to judge... to dismiss...?... 

... i can only go deeper in Love... if what i'm worried about is people not getting my critique of overembracing identity... i can only go deeper in letting go more of my own identity... 

...what is my identity? thinking i am someone... that i am a yogi writer chef spiritual universal... all these are identities as well... they serve me in that they keep me in a place of discipline and Reaching... they hinder me in that they keep me in an identity... with ego... with criteria... the only Criteria is You... 

...in having You as central to me that i am moved by Love and not evidence... with Creating and not proving... with Reaching and not passing time... with art and not pretending and tracing and passing off... 

...letting yogi Lover artist Be a path towards You vs a me that i want to make happen... 

...i want to let burn the identity of me that is not Working towards You by seeking to promote me and seeking to have criteria vs Seeking to make You the criteria... how would yoga look if this was the case... continuous... honoring of ancestral knowledge... of play... of breath and bandha and scripture and Guidance not from a point of knowing... but to grow Closer... to do to become Closer... replacing identity of me with path of yogi towards you... wow what a difference... 

...i want to let burn the putting off and fully commit in my path towards You through growing deeper in my healing journey... not to prove a point... not to get accolades in instagram... but to Reach... to be in community... to be in circumference... to make happen... through giving my all in Love of her of parents and bothers and friends and showing up for them... in poetry and writing and yoga... fully seeing things through by going deep in the work and having circumstances that anchor me... sharing... acts that result in greater union and communion... i.e a poetry chapbook for others to grow deeper in Love in their own life and share this... 

...i want to burn expectation of reciprocal by Trusting that the Work itself is the reward... that Love itself and doing/Working from a place of Love will be what is my reciprocity... going deeper in the Work that is Guided by Love - drawing, writing, yoga vignettes... medicine making... holding space for others to go through a shared experience... 

...strawberry moon 6.14.22...

 ...all of it... all... of ... it... 

...a whirl... round and round... sensory stimulli... we live for it... we modern apes... arangatanguing from one to the next... matcha latte to mocha to pumpkin spice lime summer special... 

...we in a midst of desire... of wanting to know it all... to experience it all... running as fast as we can... imagining the people we talk to on occasion are our community and they are rooting for us from the likes on social media of our posts... a god complex... 

...jesus... muhammad... moses... krsna... gautama... 

...the rishis brought us messages... the journey trampled on itself...

...even before tattoos became a thing... everyone i knew was running down a television dream...

...switched the boxxx off after my thighs burned for 2 dimension... 

...ran into a wall after thinking i'd reached siddhis... 

...annoyed by violation... without boundaries nothing happens... 

...this past month... this past lunar... i made the move from ithaca to philly to nyc to provo... saw a few clients... did some workshops... watched kev remerge in drown... sank with him when i heard her lack of boundaries led to going along with trauma... rekindling... building on... and me having a sense of being violated... not getting paid by the yoga studio for a whole two months... need to cash that check

...this full moon... what i learned is to be empathetic means to consider context... to let go of what keeps me separate... to understand... from a place of depth... inquiry... Love... compassion... 

...what i struggled with is expecting someone else to do the deed for me... to pause... to speak from within instead of from without... to have paused... to have gone deep into the moment... instead of chiding... instead of reprimanding... to pause and go deep inside and see what happens... to articulate this... from a place of pause and Love and Art... hey - i'm feeling violated right now because... are you okay with it?... if not then what made you do what you did?... if i didn't say anything would you have even texted?... i'm bothered by this and not sure what to do with it... 

...be empathetic and honest... transparent... through pause... through taking a moment... through doing one thing... and nothing else... maybe building on doing one thing at a time by taking pause in that one thing... breathing it in... taking in the experience fully... like with writing and making a ring... and drawing... go deeper in by Tuning in deeper... go deeper in doing one thing at a time by taking a moment to breathe and Connect with the Lover in each instance... 

...this month the yama i want to grow deeper with aporigraha - non-greed; non-hoarding non-gift taking - as i believe this will let me be of greater use to the world and those around me

...6.9.22... you see me but not me (the tribe i hail from)...

 ...of course it is a dream... all of it... albeit a long... although sometimes short... although it makes sense at times... although i have no clue really... do you?... how do some people know?... i don't... i know what seems right/wrong and the in between...

...pretending feels wrong... i am pretending right now because i am in a cafe without my context - my ammu, abbu, bhaiyas; my nanu nana dada dadu... my context is tribe... this is where i orginate from... i am because we are... i was the dirt of bengal... india... east paksitan... partition... lucknow... himalaya... i am of overcrowding/dedness... of a language that is spoken in similes... in proverbs... in teachings... rice and dhal and salam and namaskar... prayer and religion and masjids and temples... folk music, folk instruments... folk plays... farms, farmers, rice fields... humility... sleeping shortly after dusk and arising before dawn... discipline... arranged marriage... humble... soft... clear gender roles... clear division of labor... lots of kids... non nuclear... monogamous... generations overlapping... 

...you don't see this... and it's impossible to show you through a shirt or cloth that is patterned... it is impossible when i move in the world in this way that is foreign to my Soul - as an individual... we buried our dead in community and raised each other in community... held each other to standards and would hold each other to it through whispers of people crossing lines... going beyond the community quorum... i didn't get this... wanted them/us to mind their business as their life and my life are separate... starting to get it...

...been starting to get it for a couple of decades now... and still... i barely rise... sometimes i do... standing in awe... when i bow down... walk and talk in Surrender... 

...in the name of the Most... 

...this is why Quietness... why Listening... why moving with Soul in all situations... why the namaste... and lowered eyes...