...full moon february 2022... it's tomorrow...
...full moon fasting... she is fasting with me... we are growing into dust... and sometimes fire... and sometimes earth as we flow...
...and things are amazing and yet there is feeling of disconcertedness... of what will happen... of what i should do with my things... of what i am doing with my life... if the purpose is to give... share... balance... through the Creative process... i suppose i am doing that...
...full moon meal for steph and i - potatoes with onions and grated carrots, seasoned in garlic, salt, and oregano...
...this full moon day i did asana with the presence of her in me, on me, through me... coming out of valentine's day... the most memorable one i can think of... one without pressure... without concoction...
...woke still sleepy... wanting to stay in bed... rolling up and out... into ritual - dental, bowel, prayer, drink, pull, asana... realize that when i am in asana and in poses... to not what feels uncomfortable... disconcerting... what do i associate with pain... and going into it a little more...
...couldn't figure out how to construct the boxes and thought i needed glue... so put off assembling the kits that i hope to get done for the spring season... crashed... for a little... instead... maybe more than a little... felt overwhelmed with the packing... although in retrospect... in line with the wound being the place where the Light enters... these challenges are the opportunity to go deep... to grow deep... how?... by learning to let go... by doing it different... by going through one thing at a time... seeing things to completion before moving on to the next... by delegating the Work... by putting an appeal letter for the kits...
...i have a limited number of kits that i put together for the spring... your purchase will help me raise funds for the film project i am working on... the kits are made based on the concepts of seasonal alignment in ayurveda and yoga... is made with mostly organic, local herbs, including patronizing local herbal farmers in upstate, ny; it's made with Love and my own Alignment with the cosmos...
...the kits were a learning process... in terms of arrangement... in terms of packaging... in terms of learning beauty and aesthetic... and it made sense to add the coffee facial and do it in a way that aligned with the season... at times it felt procedural and i wasn't sure what the point was... but at the end i loved how beautiful it all looked... and like the idea of curating kits for people... one time pieces... or limited numbers... but of course this requires inventory and things...
...the past few days has been a culmination into letting go... letting go of jealousy and control by noticing it as it came up... by noticing the voices in my head... by noticing my moods... but more than noticing... by paying attention to the sensations on my body... that's what makes vipassana unique... different from other forms of meditaiton... dealing head on with the issue... by noticing and not reacting...
...this past full moon i continued listening to the lectures of goenka-ji... and have gotten to the point where i've listened to the same lecture 2 or 3 times within this span... and each time i feel like i get more out of it... learning the importance of observation to sensations specifically and witnessing with equanimity without reaction and watching as it passes...
...although i started meditation this past month, and ritualized it... i haven't fully kept up... and am learning that i can and that it is possible to do so if i don't restrict myself to a time... i medtitated at lucas' service... it felt good to do so... it felt natural... i didn't feel contrived... i feel like i can go into meditation easier...
...in cooking i used the instapot a bunch to make chickpeas and lentils... and noticed that a certain ratio between water and material is important to not make it too soupy... with beans... when cooking... it's best to let the beans soak overnight... otherwise they remain crunchy... starches like rice, potatoes, or even beans feels heavy and hardening in the body... having broccoli, kale, caulilfower in addition to onions and carrots feels good... feels best... the same is true for oatmeal... as much as i love oats... without fresh fruits it feels dead and heavy...
...in asana i've grown in inspiration through working on sequences towards this project of vignettes... it feels like an artistic endeavor... this is where it was born from... and staying in that space of inspiration by repeating the asanas in each sequence feels honoring... i find that i do get lazy and instead of staying within the struggle of the sequence through repetition... i will focus on parts of it... compartments... like press up... instead of keeping it incorporated...
...in writing... i've focused mostly on building a guide for reflection/journaling... on saturn return... a pivotal moment... it felt best working on it when i was working on paper... on making it a zine like fold-out... but in the process of elaborating i found myself losing the Essence sometimes and focusing more on audience... on what would be most beneficial to her... based on my thoughts... instead of going deeper in my own wounds and Light to Create...
...in Love... i have noticed how capable i am on focusing... on being fully invested... but also feeling the trepidation of uncertainty... of her being different and doing things differently than me... and when i observe... witness... i Realize that i am trying to make reality other than it is... that to embrace realty is essential in appreciating and Being in Life... otherwise Life becomes a remote controlled operation... switching left right and forward on toy cars and robots while slouching onto a chair... fully focused on the external instead of going deeper within to go deeper without...
...i've spent a lot of time talking to her... Listening... engaging in hours and hours of conversation... daily... it feels right... good... meaningful...
...haven't made my skills available to help others... to have exchange for money... skills like ayurveda and massage and cooking and herbalism and counsel and education... instead i've grown deeper in an artistic process of Creation and Inspiration... which feels right... what i don't want to do is just dish things out and do nothing with them... which is a pattern... i want to create and share in a meaningful way so that others gain from the Gift of time and labor i put in... otherwise it gets kicked off to the side... so the pattern i want to avoid is onto the next... instead to pause and se it through... more than just completing one part...
...felt inspired... continue to feel inspired to Create from this Love story... the vignettes came out of this... and it felt good to jot down the original thoughts on it... and write up an appeal and get it out to a few people even if it was poorly worded... got some good feedback from people who care enough to see it happen... Realizing that i need to be supple with this while also not repeating patterns of doing everything by myself and getting help... film makers, etc... also being okay with doing some initial portions as yoga sequences with a band... and maybe doing some shooting through out the city... and doing this not from aesthetic or perfection - but from art... from play, inSpiration... Love... Creativity...
...as i grow deeper as an artist... i want to Work to see things through... doing this with wonderland's kit felt good... it reignited by Love for magic and Guidance... and offering this as part of the experience with the kit... i realized this when i re-engaged with the pamphlets i wrote up - that art is missing and possible... so have been in the zine frame of mind...
...i'm learning to let go of stuff... of things i've been lugging around with me... the past few days have taught me that it's okay to release... to let go completely and that in letting go i am also letting go of the thoughts and big ideas that keep me latching on... like i'll loosen these tight jean shorts and then once i do that... want to go deeper with the letting go... of things that are too much... are more bandwidth than i can be meaningful with... do this with clothes and instead of rationalizing clothes to go with what the artist Lover says... checking in with him instead of the clothes and what i think someone else may think based on them not seeing me wearing that clothing...
...i'd like to grow deeper in the Creative process... instead of getting caught in perfectionism... of Creating and giving... of letting myself get messy... putting in the Work of embracing challenge and being vulnerable in my conversations with whether i am embracing the art of it - the moment, the feeling, the abandon...
...i can go deeper and be less constrained if i have less and do less. so as i work on projects like the Saturn retrun guide, the kits, and the vignettes, not taking on too much more unless they complement the artisitc process of yoga, medicne man... Love... Love making...
...would like to go deeper in my singularity with wonderland... in letting go of the things that keep me from Loving her deeper... of getting more into an artistic process of Being with her... doing this with all my relations... embracing the Lover-artist...
...walk into the wounds... by letting go of the fester (jealousy, disappointment, grief, anger) and embracing the hard... to walk deeper towards Love... embracing the hard in conversations... the artistic process of presence and honoring and play and messy... in combing... in walking... in listening... in proposing... in sharing... giving... Gifting...
...letting go of stuff to go deeper in the artistic process of the Lover... what stuff is keeping me from Loving fuller? - clothes, feelings, habits, missing practices...
