look at the I

...all praise is due...to Al Salam - the Source of Peace...the King of Kings, Queen of Queens, the One-ness that embodies all, encompasses ALL...the I in the i...the ShahanShah...all praise is due...

...grow deeper in my Quiet...in between the space of rejections...the Gift...what you were before was no gift at all...was only your desire to shoot up, to get cracked out...that's that crack...high until you have to come down and then your singing life's a bitch...hurt, sad, and wanting to get high again...going for the next fix...

...this time the sensory fix happens at the chinese food spot, with general tso's chicken and: extra duck sauce on that, and let me get some mofo hot sauce...dudes with voices like .38 specials say, assault the workers with...deriding the people that are making their food...deep...and this brings some temporary high...some quick lift from feeling a sense of power, like trying to control a woman's movement...what she should wear, how she should wear her hair, who she should be hanging out with, what she should be doing with her time...

control is a killer...the number one killer because it is tied to the number one killer - ego...

...remember...you are a person of Soul...the greatest accomplishment of colonialism and the babylon system of white-brown-black-yellow power abuses throughout history (yup - i said it - no romantic delusions of a righteous race of people - deep cause your race-obsession keeps you from Soul - in a place of romanticizing and excusing abuses of people who fit your boxes of victim and oppressor, because you go by notions of boxes - falsehoods) - has been to get you to buy into your costume, the uniform - to look at the surface - get gold and nice shoes, make up and shape ups, more time spent at the mall and barber shops then in meditation and prayer, then in cooking and growing your foods...babylon...

...look towards the One...look because ALLAH is the Ultimate Truth...

...everyone around you will pass...the ones you are vibing with, the one's you feel are your closest homies, the ones you got high off your head with last night...gone...disappoint you, let you down...keep you in a state of wondering why...how could those who bring me so much happiness bring me so much hurt?...

...the question applies to every part of life...what brings you High will bring you down...what brings you happiness will bring you depression and sadness and hurt and grief...if its based on babylon happiness...

...greens, green juices...veggies are deeper happy...they grow your ecosystem to root in the cosmos...so eat greens...veggies...according to the season...flesh is poison...avoid it...all of it...go vegan...if you can...depending on where you live and your body type...but if you can...get out of the babylon system of cut-throatism...whatever we do to other beings...we are and will be doing to ourselves...we are cutting throats of cows and sheep...why wouldn't we do this to ourselves...?...

...grow deeper in the vibration of One, through meditation, yogic breath, asana inversions and flow, asana in daily postures of sitting, walking, interactions in tree and eagle and camel...

...through Realness music...the music of Soul...found in indigenous folk music all over the globe...from bengal to ethiopia to jamaica to mohawk country...

...vibrations carry forth through music, food, beverages, art, movement, interaction with the seasons...

...yogum is the path of Truth...is the way of Being...it keeps prayers in my beads, held behind my back like my grandfather the medicine man...because of whom i Am...

...Higher Frequency is in the environment...in nature...in the forests...spend time there...

...offer prayers to lower frequencies and keep your time in these spaces minimum...and this might be keeping your mantras and breath in Frequency when you are in those spaces...because you may be on the inside...you are in the realm of babylon and these spaces abound...and they may are only reflections of One-ness, in a lower frequency...

...keep it Quiet...go deeper...maintain Frequency through code - yama, niyama, asana, pranayama, pratyahara, dharana dhyna, samadhi...keep in alignment with dharma as you grow deeper as unconditional Lover...

the Gift in the seeming rejection when You let go and let One...

...this guy asked me if i wanted to fight...said i was a b*&h n*&ga,,,looked at me, pulled his arm back...i looked at him as i walked past him, responded the way i do to offerings for other things that might assault my body - namely drugs...

...no, i'm good brother, i said...and kept walking...said this after watching his movement...after seeing how he was following the woman in front of me...of how he was walking after her after making comments that she tried to ignore, she pulled out her phone, the light of her phone blaring like red and blue flashes in the dark 8pm...

...f u bi&*h he repeated and then walked in the same direction as me...i witnessed this from a block away...as they were walking in the same direction as me...and, upon rejection, he walked in my direction...he might've been drunk, or drugged up, or just angry, just at the end...hh proceeded to harass everyone who walked behind me, a young white woman, and another man, who i didn't catch a glimpse of...

...i got it...understood...felt his approach and attitude were destructive and inappropriate and unacceptable and inexcusable...and shouldn't go with impunity...and i don't mean the criminal injustice system...but in a more just system, some form of ass-whopping followed by some sort of restoration, of reconciliation, and opportunities to address the deeper issues, the roots that have led to this desperate action...

...i got it...felt him...know that he is me...that he is the me that is desperate, that is over it, that is done with the rejections, the closed doors, the one who has expectations, that seeks sensory responses that are pleasant, words for this ego that match with my aspirations for sensual gain in chocolate, jobs, friends, women...and when it's missing...when i get the opposite of what i wanted, when my wants for a pleasant response aren't met, then this ego gets disturbed, gets hurt, spins into a whirl of sorrow...self-pity, self-hatred grounded in childhood, in believing the words, the sounds, the sights, the fists of rejection...f u too then...the reaction...the reaction based on ego reacting to ego...

...the ego gets in the way of that which Is...that which Is, is Truth...it is that everything passes...that you can choose to engage with this gnosis or to forget and be stuck, in a state of attachment, of trying to hold on to that which is fleeting...

...f u then...fight me then...the search for an end, for 6 feet in soil, for moksha from the body...happens in the path of ego through utter nihilism...life is guaranteed to disappoint if you are operating from expectation, from the search for pleasant responses, from the search for others to nod and agree, and approve, and thumbs up, and salivate, and express interest, and gifts, and offerings, and desire...disappointment is guaranteed in the sensory world of ego, because everything changes - the skin that you received so much compliment for becomes flaccid, folds in, causes cobwebs...the movement that you may be celebrated for change in an instance, from the slightest injury...and the applause diminish...the sex appeal, gone...the fame transient...the friends engaged in individual aspirations...the person who shows you mad love shows you nothing but ice and daggers...it happens...and the streets take this as you can't trust no one...but that's the trajectory of nihilism...in the Real world...you operate with the understanding that everything is changeable, and no guarantees, and that the default is Love...and see things as a witness...with pure Love...and operate from honesty...without reaction, but Truth...without disappointment, but embrace of the opportunity pregnant in the challenge, in the reaction...without seeing the rejection as a closed door, but to consider what other doors have opened as a result...

...for me...the doors of rejection have opened the doors of greater opportunity for dialogue, for honesty, for seeing how it creates opportunities in my path, of practicing unconditional Love...of practicing non-attachment...of being in the seat of Witness...of seeing the gift of letting go...

...thus, young...at every moment of what this ego seeks and does not get...Watch...and be thankful, be Love...and consider the opportunity...and see it within a spectrum...you got chocolate yesterday...and today...you want it all over again...wow...this is a pattern...i am seeking a reward...what am i avoiding...?...what does the chocolate covering up?...what could i be doing instead...?...all praise is due...for the opportunity...embrace the seeming wound...it allows for the insatiable ego to be exposes and the Truth to be a step Closer....

get it out

...roots rocking till i leave this body, leave this room after being glued to the sheets that crepe into a bed...till i am bowing down, recalling Surrender, recalling to Quiet...to lub dub...and then hands out, in beg, in a state of asking...and today, like many other days...i am asking for meaning...if what i say, more often than not, is that this is not real, and if we are all One, and part of the One-ness, and that if, as without, so within, and everything in the universe is in us and all in us is in the universe, and naturally, then, it follows that every one has a piece of us inside them, just as we have varying degrees of panchamahbootas in us, and yet, and still, why are we only attracted to some, and repelled by others, or less interested in many, or disinterested...?...why am i not with the people who make me laugh, and bring me joy, and even when they bring me pain, maintain accountability, stay tied...?...what would it mean to drop everything else and be around them, all the time...figure out work and subsistence in a way that only draws us closer...and i get that this might've been a dream of my folks, and that i didn't get it...till now...till the clock got imploded with whispers of the end being close...and if so many people, if so many of us, on a daily basis, have thoughts of considering an end to this, of hoping for a flatline, then why wouldn't that translate to working for what you believe in like your very life were dependent on it, meaning that doing this work of Purpose could leave you close to the end...?...and not only is it alright, but it is more than alright, because it will leave you working towards that which is most important in this journey - living a fearless life of Surrender to the One, by being a servant to the Creation - all beings - trees, rivers, people, marine life, land life, air life....work like it were the bus rushing at you, instead of crossing the street hoping the bus were coming at you...work...insert yourself...work...do it now...Quietly...and it happens in every interaction, every moment...the work...

...i am no one's boyfriend, and a friend to some...and a mystery to many, including myself...a work of jumbled writings that tell tales of a new york only known through the hybrdization of vedic mantra and rapid fire rappers intifada-ing with rikers close...rikers is always close...a stretch of land jutting into the east river from the park i stood in through decades, without proximity or love...so it's a love and loathing, a serenity and a despair that comes over me, when i hear the tales of friend groups, of deep forever connections, of reunions, of the cookouts...what is that like...how beautiful is that...how come i never had that?...

...unconditional love requires a surrender...a letting go in a trust...in working from within...with results that look similar to the babylon results...i learned this in writing...in seeing how-to books on writing and seeing how the babylon authors would employ and suggest employing multi-step processes that came to me through the path of ALLAH...the results looked similar...

...moving from Essence leaves me in a state of clarity, of lack of performance, of Peace, confidence, Love, Lover, Breath, Infinite, possibility...without pride or ego, or fear...in a state of all praise is due...of Connection, of Salat...dua for Salat...

...the life...

...bullets are often close when i walk...these days...perhaps it's hearing what's happening half a planet away...perhaps it's the sound of needles threading the veins of the people i pass on state street, here in ithaca; perhaps it's knowing, getting how serious this nihilism is after the recent death of a known to heroin...the overdose being an arms length away...the shoot being necessary to this stage, the right clothes, the right words, the right performance...

...by any means necessary...what are the means...?... i keep learning that it's other people, and at once, learning to not expect, to hold no expectations...to count on to not count on...

...all praise is duing, even as i wonder whether what lurks in the dark, what the possible outcomes are, and looking to the cloud packed skies for answers...wondering if i shoot the dice that i put down, that i stopped rolling...

...oh no...heroin...overdose...the game...an allure to the bottom...going down...a race to the bottom...running south...to the end...where the period is...even though there are only ellipses...

...peace...i have heard...experienced the peace...the Source of Peace in the bow...in going down...in putting my head down...sinking in Surrender...

...glimpses of possibility...of what can be...of scavenging through the self help section for answers, forgetting that scripture is right there, forgetting that it was written, that i Know...that You Know...we all do...but separation...

...perpetually putting up walls, perpetually burying the past...passive about it...witnessing the metaphorical death of friendships, and nodding, letting go...going through the swivel door, and coming out on another side...

...the only truth is change...the only fixed is that which is Always...amma, abba, cb, bb...loved ones, those who Love...who give unconditionally...nothing to rationalized...nothing to prove to you...nothing to convince you of...do you king...queen...who you are is beautiful...

...doing me...i'm realizing...is deep surgery...is internal...is a deep internal process...so...it's not you...can't do anything about you...can't hold on...can't make you stay...can't make you want to do what i might think is normal is nice, is...there is no normal...

...missed some prayers today...missed the main one, the one i do everyday, or most days...the blare of words of thoughts like yells, like 1980's stickball and punchball, like the handball courts and crack fields on the roof, the jumpings and the racial epithets, the branded jeans and the sneakers that prove your worth have strangled my brain...laced like lines of coke...sniffing it...breathing pranayama to the self-constructed opiates...this addiction to the fall...the pennies with holes in it...the toast heating my waist even as i pray for peace...

...can't change anyone...can't...even if i tried...even if you tried...let go...letting go for peace...for peace...can't expect you to honor me...but i can honor you...can't expect you to be giving...but i can be...can't expect you to be positive, see the possibility, the potential...but i can shape this paradigm i occupy...the movement, the thoughts, the actions of this body...they are informed by the witness...the You...the Source energy....if only...let go and let God...let go and let One-ness...let go and dive...Surrender...

...i took the dive and grabbed on to a branch from a jutting tree, fearing the fall, fearing what might happen, fearing the loss, not wanting to let go...

...but what if...what if...what if pure-Love...what if no scarcity...what if Infinite...what if...

...what does it mean to flow?...to be unobstructed...to be without walls, boundaries...to be in a state of movement...from one to another...to be in a series of lined up...anchors to aspire towards...to struggle towards - family, loved ones...the principle guiding this...reach...go in and reach out...

...leave in peace...come in peace...walk in peace...walk in beauty...turn the heartache into the boquet it is...listen for the opportunity...thank the challenge...that the defeats and the seeming overwhelm and pain for the teachers they are...embrace and flow...the pain will get you there...

...my sweet Lord...

...my sweet Lord...i really wanna see You...really wanna be with You...but it takes so long...rocking out to george harrison...it resonates - wanting to Know You, wanting to go with You...more than end-life scenario...end-ego scenario...giving Love, unconditional...pure...peace...Love...

...results...the results i want to see is being in a state of unconditional Love...

...for me...the practices that bring me here are asana practice alone and in meaningful community, like at sis' crib last night...where she had a few folk over for her 30th n led an asana sequence, followed by meditation and chanting...

...results for me happen through flow...having things lined up that i am struggling towards...for...like the workshop i did today...put in time...lots of it...especially yesterday n today, cause i do things last minute...so having things lined up requires this type of movement...so perhaps courses on meditation, yoga, cooking, and setting stage for next part in life...

...results that work, through meditation...my asana practice is stronger than the ashtanga, the other limbs...so meditate...i have time for it...

...results that work is cooking, and brushing/flossing after every meal...is writing, getting it down...is working with urgency...is giving Love...when i am being Loving...i want to be Loving all the time...i want to see right into You...

...results that work, based on the above, is focusing wholly on one thing...like this workshop, with an audience i need to get it to...making medicine for others, cooking for others, doing a workshop for others, teaching yoga for others...i am naturally prone to being in service, in deep desire of connection, connecting with You...

...so...the what i want...the what i want is self-Love, and that happens through Self-Love...and the self-Love requires the asana, and cooking, and dental care, and meditation, and naturally bleeds into Self-Love, in which i Am doing for You, supporting You...being vulnerable, through honesty, transparency...

...Surrender...that being the end...and the end being the journey...every step of the way, because there is no end goal...because this is the end...no guarantees...rest in peace to all of your loved ones who have moved on to the other realm...we will all be there soon...so whats the fuss, the point of trying to control anything, anyone...all you can do is Love You, and you will be in Yuj...ah...this is the greatest asana sequence...the greatest aha moment i Am having today - is to develop an asana of unconditional Love, that is practiced throughout the day...

...asana sequence of unconditional Love: gratitude, in words, in Quiet, thanking in my head - for arms, legs, for health, for family, for you, for You...asana to take joy in the joy of others, to transform moments of judgement into vulnerability, gratitude...what else?....

full moon november 2017

...results...do the same thing and get the same results...and then wonder...where'd i go wrong?...get the same feeling - man, this sucks...what can be different? what do you need to do to make it different?..what are you hoping for...?...what are you getting instead?...

...if you fail to plan, you plan to fail...my brother told me, a decade ago, on a subway ride from queens to brooklyn...word, i said...makes sense...10 years later...

...the plan is based on the results, this time, this full moon...instead of doing it the same...instead of running around in circles...instead of being a chicken without a head...

...i want community...but am i being community?...i want you to call, check in, holler...but am i doing any of these things...?...i want the health of my folks to be optimal, to be in flow, to increase their capacity to Love...but am i supporting this?...how do i expect their health to be good, when i am not actively supporting their health, and instead focusing solely on mine...?...

...results...the results are friday and saturday...sundays and evenings are consumed in community...that every day is consumed in work, in meaningful work...in being part of a team...in collaboration...in working together...towards something...compromise...to lost control...to have less...to let go...to be One with One...to be a contributor, to have exchange, meaningful ones, with Life - people, animals, trees, environment...

...if i'm looking for folk to show up...how am i showing up for others...?...in moments like this, when i write it down...i get that feeling of urgency, and act...and then forget...

...results - people seeking out my support...me supporting them...in a deep n meaningful way...beyond money...in a way that supports their recovery...in a way that builds them up to be able to support to love to give, to run and fly and be in a state of flow, to be accountable, to forge accountable relationships...to give to be, to love, to hang...

...instead of sitting with this...with gnosis...with this able-body, to support...want to work with urgency, with Love...unconditional...

..the result is Lover, around the clock...giving...initiating...working...taking steps...listening...doing from a place of You...seeing You in ALL...from focus on the Work...

...the Work is what has to get done beyond me...beyond this body and lifetime...

...the results are clear...the results are premised on shifting the paradigm...the paradigm is doing the same thing and expecting different results...the same thing is being passive, being reclusive, thinking i can do it myself, thinking i don't need anyone, thinking too much, sitting behind this computer, jotting it down, but not doing it...not finding ways to be accountable, not being accountable...

...the result is the imagination, the dream...what i see...what i imagine, but what i am not doing about...the result happens through planning, with habits built into the plan, to ensure the happening...

...the plan is to seek support, to be clear on what i want, to use this clarity to be supple and not hard, to be a Lover in all ways, to give and be unconditional Love...

...the plan is to be in a state of Work...the vision is to be seeing clients throughout the work week...to be in a place of service...to give...support folks in their work...back to back...to be in a team...checking in with the team...working together...building tribe...growing, gardening, making medicine, learning...to get out of the state of being solitary...super-man...to be in a team...

...what does it look like?...the exercise is this...what does the ideal you look like...?...the one that is results oriented...?...the one that is full aligned?...the one that is full in touch with the One...fully plugged in...the one who Knows this is brief, that every moment passes...that as fast as i type, the words dissipate, just like the second before, just like the friend i said what;s up to, like the guy i scrunched my face for, the supermarket i floated through...whether i spent or not...the moment passed...the moment always does...life in this form always does...always will...the vedantists say this is not it...the is not-self...Self is that which is Always...that which has no beginning nor no end...and i don't know, but i do know that everyone i have ever known, through a period of space and time has changed, looks different, moves different, is in shape, out of shape, trying to get back in shape, gave up on shape, lost their shape, left us...left...is in the place of Mystery...the place i can only conjecture on...don't know if this is it or not...if this is the one-life that many speak of...those who've lost and left religion...don't know...faith in observation, in the laws followed by the trees and planets, the stars and the orbits, keeps me in a state of movement, in going deeper, much deeper, in floating, in ascending, in reaching...

...all praise is due...

...the results are grounded, are plugged into You...and with You, i am working...collaborating...doing...giving...trusting...seeing You in All, seeing Love, being Love...happy when you are happy, empathetic when you are hurt...but Always in a state of Peace...in a state of Source of Peace...regardless of sensations, of what others say or don't...

...this full moon...november 2017, i let go of doing the same thing, in the same way, and getting the same results, by doing it different, by planning, and building habits into the plan, by connecting with You...by Loving You...all praise is due for You...