...as and you will receive... 7.31.21...

 

...there are truths... like ask and you will receive... i'm learning this one... 

...you will... what ever is you ask for you will receive something in response... hey, what are you doing this evening?... want to hang?... responses you may receive: yes, no, maybe... and in the modern world of text/social media/dating apps - silence... nothing... 

...all of it are responses you received... more than not receiving anything... even the silence, the non-response was a very clear response - no... and now you have something to work with... but if you never ask you never get a response... and you stay sedimented in thoughts that become leaden and sink you into a drown... quicksand... swallowing your own anxieties into the dirt of your fears...

...what is it that you want?... is the want from a place of Spirit...?... from One-ness?... then ask... if it isn't, re-evaluate your want... as it will bury you in a frequency of pain/pleasure that is the ultimate trap of the maya... the illusive material world that prophets have warned us for millennia... 

...in the name of ALLAH...

...be clear about your intention...

...my intention is to Serve... to align with Self... to support this on a community level... to build community who can do this... to do this in a way that honors the Work that i've put into this Gift so that i can have a meaningful currency exchange... to sustain myself, to build dreams of village... of Real community... Work that is honest... that is growing... that is beautifying... that is transformative... that is honoring through listening and building on the person/s i'm working with...

...so i ask... i share what i do... i'm transparent about my rates and my time and commitment... in the name of ALLAH... 

...people medicine... 7.27.21...

 

...strummed hope in the commons again after leaving the dark space of treatment to treat myself to a pickle among the spread of mostly no vegan options that others seemed to nibble at before engaging in the thick of artistic forestry from the entrance of a hall through the mirror of infinity into an alter compiled of salvaged pieces from defunct restaurants, tire shops, people's front lawns or stoops... 

...there i fell into a tangle with the artist and our mutual friend about the artistic process and plant medicine and yoga and the yuj of us in the plant medicine experiences of our mutual friend e who'd gone through 25 ceremonies over the past 15 years... transforming trauma and reimagining relationships tarred with the scent of abuse... 

...inadvertent nostalgia led me to my own traumas and traumatizing... the bullied and bully of my own childhood and the pecking order of that period of single digits when the world walked by and the trauma of my parents were embroiled in the sheath of ancestral movements that like the saucha of the niyamas cleared a path to move through the metallic wilderness of the foreign land they prayed in... mostly for us... my brothers and i...

...the exhibit was closing and e i trickled our conversation onto the white stone ground of the pedestrian walkway.. enveloped in path and movement... in what's next and instagram... 

...i left a little more lifted... a conversation with a friend can do that... they can be all the medicine you need... 

...melding into myth... 7.26.21...

 ...before you left... before i say goodbye... you looked down... fell into my  chest... your arms rung around my waist... my arms over your shoulder, your sweater on the cool ithaca summer night a shawl i wanted to bury into... it would be a while... before... the unsaid.. .the trritory of no promises no demands... a battlefield of lovers of the new age... no strings... otherwise...

...don't break my heart... you sang... smiled when i looked over... your eyes a canopy of the stars above us... amidst music and fires we whispered... our bodies swaying like the hammock between the ash and aspen... the end of three days of stories you told me... stories of love, abuse, joblessness... 

...i'll bear them, i said... like matthew and paul and john... recorders of the brothels and gospels... 

...it was choking, like the smoke from the stones in the sweat lodge we sat across each other from just hours before... our sweat becoming the air of 23 bodies crying prayers for help... 

...even as a i drove off i blew a kiss into the pitch of back roads before floating into the myth of this town...

...full moon in aquarius... july 23rd 2021...

 ...july...24... 21...

...different... doing it different... it's available to do this different... to change the program to reinstall the downloads from the east... from the Source of revelation... 

...the download is to Become someone who is immersed in Work... honest in their Work... first with themselves... most importantly with themselves... 

..someone who goes deep... a Warrior... in the battleground of nafs... of the emotional senses that deviate... that are in constant flux... first here and then there... 

...in the name o ALLAH...

...starts here... and then ends and then starts again... without the capitalist market economy to capitalize on the shortcomings of emotional rollercoasters - get this because you are lacking in this... get that because you are lacking in that... that because it will make you more this...

..for me it's been walking aimlessly... looking for connections... seeing whose on the block... who to chop it up with... even though i know there is Work to do... knowing that the work will bring me there... so the shift is sometimes radical... 

...for me it would be a beginning middle and end... and then again.... a start and finish... a completion... a doing my best in the process... a Trust in whatever the outcome is that i did my best... and witness the results without emotional fluctuation... 

Today I dreamt that I was a traveller. That the grave was my ashes rilled in paper that I smoked on the crowded Dhaka street with two companions from upstate New York. Us going somewhere. Us not sure where. My other friend felt the urge. After we stood around for a while, she felt the urge to smoe. To go to the other side of the busy Mad Max Dhaka intersection. We walked down the stairs into the underground mall of sari shops and hawkers peddling paan and bottled water and gold plated bracelets and Tagore Cd's. Please make this quick, my other companion said, the shorter one, to the taller girl who needed desperately to smoke. "Just a little."

If this is part fiction. This life thing. Then we get to co-collaborate on the character we are. Last full moon I told Sam and Gordon and Mel that my intention was to use the Gifts I received to be of Service to those around me 0 with this Medicine. To do that on a moment to moment basis through affirmation, through Love, through deep encouragement. 

This full moon, I build on the lessons from that in growing deeper with boundaries. Boundaries that align with Law. Laws that facilitate clarity in need, in what has happening inside, and in the process Work - doing my best and taking the feedback. 

The story is that I see things to completion. Have a beginning middle and end. That I do it differently to go deeper in the edges. To Be in a state of flow. To see what it's ike to do it completely different. 

...7.13.21... dizzying...

...came here to jesus into my death... the part of me that died with these united states and those third worlds and the fleas and flies that flew around my head as i dizzied into a novel on an alien and his beloved family crossing borders to hide in tenements in a sprawling ghetto of aliens who no one knew what to do anything with so we watched them watch us... 

...and somehow i became a character in this story... at once a protagonist and antagonist... and the heartbreak was constant.. and i held on to the hurt that everyone around me was needled with like forced vaccinations... aliens inoculated into being modern humans who knew how to spend money and shop and consume intimacy and lie and sell ...and the dizzy left me in a fall...

...into...

...You... 

...7.11.21... audience of You...

 ...in the name of ALLAH...

...heard the screech of her voice in the middle of a night, like nails clawing a chalkboard... ...felt her words like teeth pulling at the skin on the nape of my neck.. ...watched her glitter, even through overalls and dark boots that came up to her knees  ...i knew it was her on the dance floor from the lavender oil that melded with the scent of hay in rain on her hair......i chewed her letter, that tasted like the memory of cafeteria food...

...wrote my way through the orphans lament donating all my money for a school of ancient Ways to stay Connected with Source even though this is already the case for so many ancient Ways peoples and traditions throughout the middle east, north and west and east africa... throughout the -stan's and parts of the indian subcontinent and the pacific islands... but the new age abhors religion and loves to extract what they deem is love when it is merely curcumin they are getting and not the whole ecosystem of turmeric...

...i have desire to be a founder or ceo or director or any of these things that they call boss... i accept prophets and prophecy and understand there are things beyond my scope of knowledge that can only be understood through those who Know who have Known... 

...this sun cycle... i grow deeper with fulfilling obligations through showing up for them with right intention - the audience of You... but no longer steering clear of being in the public eye... but very much in it... not for me... not for name... not for applause or hate... there are haters... they even pray 5 times a day... not for them... and for them... but all for You... 

...healthy fear... 7.4.21...

 

...hear me out... 

....escuchame... 

...i begin... again... and again... as with all things... as with all Life before and after me... in the name of ALLAH... the Most Compassionate the Most Merciful... to whom is our Return... and ALLAH reminds through the words of my yogi sistren how important fear of te Divine is... 

...she said this in our catch up.. in our kitchen... her daughters learning from the july heat... preparing their meal as part of their home school unschooled way... 

...in the name of ALLAH... 

...we spoke of the cancellation she'd been receiving... of the turmoil and lash out of her two best friends lost to alcohol... of others, former students who became casualties of capiltalism and the branding it requires... the erasure of a past and teachers... especially teachers who are still alive and well... for frear of being out-competed...

...in the name of ALLAH...

...what do you think it is?... i asked

...they are lacking fear of God... 

...i was surprised to hear this... as she is not muslim... nor an adherent to her own christian background... 

...in the name of ALLAH...

... fear can be healthy... a fear of the unknown... many times we speak only of Love... but there is the reality of fear... the fear of dying... of not knowing what will happen... of what is next... of what the doctr will say... of the knife we ay have to go under in surgery... of being pulled over by the cops... of your loved ones leaving you... of being canceled by a friend... 

...yet... how does this fear lose presence in the face of That which is behind it ALL... 

...yesterday was beautiful... as i was rooted in Work and rituals... in grounding in asana and prayer... and writing... and medicine man Work... today has already been in that vain... asana through injury with hope in the Divine intervention... prayer for longevity and health without suffering fro my folks... for family for my brother and i... 

...and now this writing... this that extends my shadows... the crevices of my small and large intestine... the villi of my space travel... 

...rebirth... cycles... 7.3.21...

 ...words may be everything... they may be why we have tears and sobs and laughter and joy... they may be how we pray with out family for our family for those who have moved on... where?... tears... i don't know... but there Are those who Know... and i trust that the prophet muhammad and his teachings in the line of jesus and noah Knew... that his Guidance for us to bow this monkey mind to the ground and raise up the heart is to Connect us with that Word - lub dub lub dub - Love - the language of the universe - at once shattering and calm... 

...i believe siddhartha gautama buddha Knew and his teachings of shila samadhi and banya through experiencing breath and sensation itself is the Word... to Know is to dissolve the Word till the only frequency is You... 

...in the name of ALLAH... the Most Compassionate the Most Merciful... and no matter how many times i write these words they are a reminder because my words seek to cover the dirt inside... my body a field of greens in which there is a landfill - plastic and wrappers and walkmans and cd players - cassettes of heroes of yesterday that burned in the spotlight and limp permanently scarred into their graves... 

...why do you do what you do?... what is your niya/intention?... at every moment ask - and if fear is there, if indolence is there... if the complacency to avoid discomfort is there... if pleasure seeking and fame... ego and narcissism are there... burn it... walk into the fear of getting Closer... with full Surrender... 

...end of cycle... 7.2.21...

 ...some of us need cannabis... to show us what's True... some kind of wasting... to bring us anew... afterall it's only in dying that we Realize living... perhaps this is why the moment of brushes with the end of human form lead to a slow down.. .a   flash flooding of you life and what could've been... an Awareness... 

...stress brings us close... stress can give us peace... if it is the right stress... if it is stress that allows us to unentangle discomfort through embracing it... to embrace fear and overcome it... these processes will lead us free of vritti... unless it becomes an addiction... unless it is a triathalon.... 

...what have you been afraid of this past year?... aging... getting older in numbers.... of missing the boat to have children and have a family... to tell you this... of being unsuccessful as a medicine man and yogi by not being of service to anyone in a meaningful way... in a Way that grows them Closer to You... of losing those closest to me without having fulfilled our shared dream... 

...i guess there aren't a lot... but this... of not fulfilling shared dreams... of not being of Service in a meaningful way... of not being able to make my Work sustainable...

...and the hadith of keeping the camel tethered to keep it from wandering... and then leaving it up to ALLAH strikes home - that we must Work towards what is right and good and in the path of You... and You will fulfill the rest - however this looks is our feedback to shift and reshape our Work... 

...embrace the fall... go into handstand... walk with your hands... bring them through your legs and back into chattaranga... jump through with straight legs  put your leg behind your head and stand up...... Work through the illusion of the body - breathe...