...bullets are often close when i walk...these days...perhaps it's hearing what's happening half a planet away...perhaps it's the sound of needles threading the veins of the people i pass on state street, here in ithaca; perhaps it's knowing, getting how serious this nihilism is after the recent death of a known to heroin...the overdose being an arms length away...the shoot being necessary to this stage, the right clothes, the right words, the right performance...
...by any means necessary...what are the means...?... i keep learning that it's other people, and at once, learning to not expect, to hold no expectations...to count on to not count on...
...all praise is duing, even as i wonder whether what lurks in the dark, what the possible outcomes are, and looking to the cloud packed skies for answers...wondering if i shoot the dice that i put down, that i stopped rolling...
...oh no...heroin...overdose...the game...an allure to the bottom...going down...a race to the bottom...running south...to the end...where the period is...even though there are only ellipses...
...peace...i have heard...experienced the peace...the Source of Peace in the bow...in going down...in putting my head down...sinking in Surrender...
...glimpses of possibility...of what can be...of scavenging through the self help section for answers, forgetting that scripture is right there, forgetting that it was written, that i Know...that You Know...we all do...but separation...
...perpetually putting up walls, perpetually burying the past...passive about it...witnessing the metaphorical death of friendships, and nodding, letting go...going through the swivel door, and coming out on another side...
...the only truth is change...the only fixed is that which is Always...amma, abba, cb, bb...loved ones, those who Love...who give unconditionally...nothing to rationalized...nothing to prove to you...nothing to convince you of...do you king...queen...who you are is beautiful...
...doing me...i'm realizing...is deep surgery...is internal...is a deep internal process...so...it's not you...can't do anything about you...can't hold on...can't make you stay...can't make you want to do what i might think is normal is nice, is...there is no normal...
...missed some prayers today...missed the main one, the one i do everyday, or most days...the blare of words of thoughts like yells, like 1980's stickball and punchball, like the handball courts and crack fields on the roof, the jumpings and the racial epithets, the branded jeans and the sneakers that prove your worth have strangled my brain...laced like lines of coke...sniffing it...breathing pranayama to the self-constructed opiates...this addiction to the fall...the pennies with holes in it...the toast heating my waist even as i pray for peace...
...can't change anyone...can't...even if i tried...even if you tried...let go...letting go for peace...for peace...can't expect you to honor me...but i can honor you...can't expect you to be giving...but i can be...can't expect you to be positive, see the possibility, the potential...but i can shape this paradigm i occupy...the movement, the thoughts, the actions of this body...they are informed by the witness...the You...the Source energy....if only...let go and let God...let go and let One-ness...let go and dive...Surrender...
...i took the dive and grabbed on to a branch from a jutting tree, fearing the fall, fearing what might happen, fearing the loss, not wanting to let go...
...but what if...what if...what if pure-Love...what if no scarcity...what if Infinite...what if...
...what does it mean to flow?...to be unobstructed...to be without walls, boundaries...to be in a state of movement...from one to another...to be in a series of lined up...anchors to aspire towards...to struggle towards - family, loved ones...the principle guiding this...reach...go in and reach out...
...leave in peace...come in peace...walk in peace...walk in beauty...turn the heartache into the boquet it is...listen for the opportunity...thank the challenge...that the defeats and the seeming overwhelm and pain for the teachers they are...embrace and flow...the pain will get you there...
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