i forgot because sundown happened and that one meal a day became an hour long meal, and greed kicked in and i was vegas-chomping, outside my room all-you-can-eating. lots of 1 meal kichoree happening. that 1 meal was so big, i was 1/3rd asleep from eating.
dude i met through a friend in l.a told me, when i first relocated there: welcome to l.a., where we smoke till we sleep. he smoked a spliff, and then was onto the next.
been sleeping through the practice. but today, today after feasting on the one meal of kichoree, i remembered - cause there was some worms in the greens i incorporated into the porridge. my stomach's in attack mode at the moment, and my throat is pulsing like a one-drink-too-many moment in front of the toilet bowl.
used to throw up. hated it. loved it after. not cause bulemia. just stupidia. one drink too much. then next morning. promises. never again. funny thing is that's how i'm feeling bout food at the moment.
the purpose then was to feel good, to bond with the people around me, even if it meant depleting my liver and even if it meant $100 less than an hour ago. chh-ching. here...next round's on me. felt good. somehow i wasn't as generous when the homeless man came around in the train with his cup, nor when my mom walked around with her payless clunky shoes that i knew i shoulda replaced but didn't bother. was too concerned about the hang.
an addict to the senses, then lying about it. lying with it. sick to my stomach. rock bottom with the lies, till i was on the floor of an asphalt ocean throwing up. drowning in a vomit of deceit.
the maya became clear in the fast, the first one, the one i did when i knew something had to give. the senses. fasted. googled it - what's invovled in fasting? stopped...but it became a point of conversation...another sense...the tongue...talking about it more than i needed to...
the purpose of this month is to grow away from the senses, to be in AllahooAkbar. ALLAH is greater than this and all moments. even if it feels like i'm starved and a raw cashew cheesecake would hit the spot. even if there are so many things happening, and it'd be fun to talk and shoot the breeze...shhh...
purpose of this month is to shhh in all senses. to shh requires the rituals, requires proper attention, time, and space dedicated to the ritual. means, staying clear of the phone and aimless talk, and walks, and silence (vs Quiet), and judgements.
how can i accomplish this? prayer. five times. pray five times. reading qur'an. refelcting on qur'an. dikr. repetition of qalama - la illaha illa la...fasting from food. all of it, including after sundown. until i can truly eat 1 meal a day - kichoree.
purpose of this month is to surrender in worship of that which is more than this moment. shhh these senses, this tongue and eyes and ears and genitals and mind.
the purpose is to detox, to get so deep in meditation that purpose becomes so clear that path is paved and walk.
walking. see myself walking on the path that was written...till my writing and the scripture are One...
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