...came back, empty...reached for my credit card and swiped the phone of the cabbie from shanghai, in new york now, for three years...and we'd become besties between jfk and astoria, learning each others world in 20 minutes with the enthusiasm of travelers, with the lingua franca of rishikesh that i just came back with, forgetting the rules here, that new york had lines, and they didn't belong to the city, but people like me that drew them, that inherited thousands of them shortly after birth, after each step out the building, towards the subway, into the train station...and when it was clear...when these lines began to sit in, and my new bestie dissolved with the new york minute...my heart beat for you...wondered if you were still home...knowing weeks apart could be a lifetime in our culture, in a world were relationships are like a swivel door in a mall...
...texted...didn't hear back from you for a day...hoped to...hoped you'd call back yelling so loud that i'd have to hold the phone away...and this didn't happen...and it was a gentle reminder...to Love unconditional, to Love the way i wish to be loved, without looking for a fruit in the action, as krsna tells arjuna...to do for the sake of doing, as part of an act of bhakti, devotion...work, after all, the prophet tells us, is worship...
...so i sat with it...let go of the expectation of hoping for a different result...of expecting a different response...and instead, gave the response i wanted to receive, as doing so freed me up from attempting control, and instead putting in the work to be Truth, to release, to give without expectation, because, ultimately, i am giving myself, and loving You, means Love without conditions, means work, means working with worship, in a space of devotion, without expectation, without looking for a fruit in my actions, as joy in your joy...as i only want the best for you and you and you...and only You really know what that is...
...and Loving You really means loving me...
...one thing i keep being left with, in each relationship i've been in, with friends and lovers, is, if you are avoiding things in life, avoiding fulfilling responsibilities, avoiding the wounds from childhood, and unemployment, and breakups, and death, and things not working out again...and avoiding fulfilling your purpose, half-stepping on it...even when you know what it is...even though you know what you got to do...then you will seek sensory stimuli in the form of food, liquor, drugs, t.v., internet, porn, women, sex, masturbation, cars, shoes, jeans, hoodies, travel, courses, restaurants....
...in this sense, all your relationships become alien, sensory-based, pleasure seeking, pain-avoiding, packed with expectation, and because it's a sense, inherently unfulfilling...because as soon as the food is eaten, sex had, your onto thinking about, expecting the next type of pleasure...on to the next...
...ah, an endless cycle of torment, of being stuck in an illusion...and the only thing that you really get out of it is being further separated, is deeper alienation...is expecting the system to be different this time, the result to be different this time, when you are doing the same thing...and yet...i...you...keep doing it...maintaining the illusion, being unhappy...as the only True happiness resides in unconditional Love, in giving...in fulfilling what it is you are here to do...and doing it with the utmost urgency...and really...only you Know...
...so get out there young...avoid the trapping of procrastination, of laziness, of later, of taking today for granted...no guarantees Royalty...
...work...do it with Love...do it in the form of bahkti Yoga...do it now...it will free you...and infect others around you with Love...and may even lead to your assassination...and it's alright...cause you'll still float on...cause this isn't real...
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