...i begin with this implicit in my breath... that which moves my tongue... locates my fingers on this keyboard - in the name of the breadth of.. from the Source of ALLAH...
...the Most Compassionate... the Most Merciful... as was ammu... your mother... and mine... when you were in the womb... when you were in darkness... building into being...
...rahma-dan... 9... relocated into the ultimate lesson... for me at its conclusion... wounds... selfishness... deep seated selfishness...
...last full moon... the intention was written bt pages... in my journal... been going deep in handwriting... using my hand as an ekg instrument for these thoughts... reflections... to making meaning... last full moon was the sow moon... the corn moon... when corn is planted... asked myself what it is i want to plant... and i am reminded of the question this begs - what is it that i want to reap?...
...Light of Rahmadhan... i wanted to Know how to use the falling in Love of ALLAH... and the message was implicit in the question... to serve... to Love Me is to Love My Creation... and to Love Creation means to Connect... and to Connect means to surrender and serve in humility...
...and i learned that... and this => to share --> to share and do the Work without seeking the fruits of my labor... as krsna reminded me in my form as arjuna...
...but then it happened... that rahmadhan was going smooth and i was running from one iftar to another.. and looking to Connect without Work... without herbs or bodywork or yoga to share... but only driven by social aspirations... to be in community... and then it happened... ALLAH reminded me of my selfishness as it culminated into the last day... the day of celebration... commemoration... eid ul fitr... i blasted into chaos... into fury... into deep constructed border walls that saw you as separate and when you tried to impinge on my territory... tell me how i should dress... act... i detonated...
...its been consistent... the blow up... every few years... all the hurt the unresolved inner conversations disdain judgement grips my stomach like a virus and surges out of my body like drunken vomit, shooting like confetti... all over the place... and that's what i did... i hurt him... i was tire of being a man child of being told how to dress, of living like a kid as a man well into my 3rd childhood... and of course these thoughts i espouse were bricks, layers of them... walls much grander than the one trump proposes, longer than the ones obama silently put up on the border with mexico... and here i was behind these border walls, rallying paranoia for anything i perceived as a threat to my "freedom"...
...but as soon as it happened... and partially while it did... i saw myself... witnessed the mad man i'd become... the lashing out... the hurt i whipped with words... sharper than any physical object... everyday words that became debate louder and more vitriolic than cuss words...
...and it occurred to me... in the aftermath... that it was the Gift i'd been asking for... when the dust settled... and i stormed out... i was the casualty of my own war... and i saw the wound... the open gash that needed to be nourished if it would heal... if it would ever regenerate...
...so i realized and promised myself that i would embrace this wound... do the Work necessary... and in light of the teachings of prophets... this will happen through service... through sacrifice... sacrifice face/reputation to share... be vulnerable in the sharing... transparent in the process... so that you know... this is where i'm at... even if it is not who i am... sacrifice my sense of time... to share with you this medicine that comes from the wound... that helps to transform the trauma... otherwise i do what i have done for way too long - go into hiding - find a corner within myself within my room and do my yoga in a shadow... and its helping... and has helped... but not in a way that is as transformative as when it is shared... which allows me to see you as me and share and worship...
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