declutter - decisive and focus

be decisive in what you do, avoid half stepping, avoid the pitfalls of doubt, the allure of a million watt lightbulbs of ideas every ten seconds, every morning, on the way to work to get you out of the trap, to get you out of something good. you might have something good going, might be great, might be magnificent...but it time, requires focus...first make the decision to do it...to stick to that one thing...to be 100...to be 1000...commit...

i learned from the reverend at christmas service i attended sunday, that in order to make room for something new, something that responds to a Higher Source, you have to leave something that may seem important for you - decluttering.

the departure might be akin to the abandoned sheep of the biblical shepherds in bethlehem, when the prophet isa was born. the shepherds departed knowing that there would be consequences. the role of a shepherd, afterall, is to keep the flock together, to keep them from straying off, and to keep wolves and predators at bay. all these jeopardies were ensured by the shepherds taking leave. additionally, they may have been under the supervision, watch, financial dependence of a boss, a head farmer, a landowner...but they made the choice...more important than what seemed important - subsistence, was sustenance of the eternal...all praise is due...

what's possible? or what is impossible?

what do you really want? really? if you say a mansion, a rolls royce, a line up of women/men you find irresistible, a buffet of the most delectable exotic foods...i'd say your lying. lies...deception...self-deception. what's behind these things? what do you really want? what's within the chrysalis you shudder in?

be clear on what you Really want, by understanding what is Real...that which is fleeting is at once real and not. the only permanence is the Great Impermanence - the One-ness - as my humble teachers have taught...all praise is due...

lifetime is more than you and your desires and your search for acceptance from the false idols that will never accept you because they are false...regardless of the kicks and the designer coats or shape-ups...come from within...

...peace to the irish palestinian south african algerian american-indian black-american puerto-rican mayan bengali punjabi...freedom fighters...peace to those brothers and sisters who left security who were decisive who made a choice...perhaps many of them made this decision due to backs on the wall, due to no where else to turn...but there were those who left comfort of this for One...peace to fidel and che who left all privileges for the medicine of community, of the healing arts of community, of giving Love...all praise is due...

...in transitioning into entrepreneurship, in trading this healing art in the marketplace, in making it available to have exchange, to have conversation, to meet and greet and have touch, to get in touch with yourself through getting in touch with others because we can't do it alone, because no matter how much yoga, how much fresh juices and detoxes...you are not an island...ask robinson crusoe...

...what do i have to leave...how do i make room?...what am i making room for?...what is the great issue i've experienced in this lifetime that i feel i can support others to heal from, to bring forth a more meaningful human-life experience...i think the answer is in the question - more meaningful human experience...

...so many have made my life much richer...dolores o'riordan, of the cranberries, who through her deeply stirring vocal chords, has drawn me deeper into my spirit...nusrat fateh ali khan...through his devotional skats has made me blur language...abdul basit, whose recitations of the Qur'an i bow down in surya and chandra namaskars in tears to...hamza el din whose oud blends with his voice - ancient and timeless in humility...all praise is due...rumi, whose poetry reminds me to Quiet, to Surrender, to let go of the false...the prophet muhammad who has taught me so much, whose words and deeds have struck a cellular transformation in how my days are structured...all praise is due...the prophet isa who reminds me the importance of practicing unconditional Love...patanjali, who tells me that union of breath movement and focus will provide the keys to exit...all praise is due for yogi for this path...my dad who continues his activism without name or money, who does for community from a place of pure Purpose with belief in Peace...my mom who cooks, gives, loves unconditionally, even as those who make 10000 times more than her pinch their wallets and purses, my mom gathers her quarters and dimes and hosts lunches dinners, brunches...all praise is due you...all praise is due for You...

all my heroes are revolutionaries...people who lead deeply selfless community rooted lives...for this reason, gandhi, of all the yogi's, is the most appealing to me...there are those who will find a flaw in them, find a thing they did wrong, and that's enough...enough for them to hate the whole of that person, to dismiss them...prayers for those people...they are hurt...

...what is something that is missing?

from the bottom

forgot about the sentence...about court...about you looking alarmed...about the knock on the door...about the badge and bullets i missed...forgot about the chance...forgot about the dna...about the genocide...about 1971...about famine...about too starved for sex or happy hour...forgot that i was still riding low, below the low-riders...forgot that the babylon i held a finger to before the judge was me...i was prosecuting me to a hundred thousand...i was plagued...forgot that the disease was spreading cause i held it at bay...forgot that Love was here because i was there...forgot that i could count on you to not count on you is two-sided...forgot to Love unconditionally, forgot that Love is unconditional...forgot to bond with those who Know, those who may appear like nothing special to you, and that you is me, and that it's me i critique when i lament on babylon because i wear it like a leper, like a spotted albino...i know you see it because you cross the street, because you stay clear from the cloud of dust i walk in...forgot that i was hiding, that true liberation requires coming to terms with those things that i wear like numbers of a barcode tattooed on my chest like palestinians held at checkpoints by holocaust touting zionists...i forgot that i was both the one who is sheeps clothing and the sheep...forgot to be...instead i've been talking jesus...instead i wake at 5:30 based on an alarm and a circumstance i reluctantly chose, forgot to market this, forgot to send this our to social media, forgot to care to do it, forgot to make money, been skating on a middle line, between ice that breaks and burns from speed on my left, and ice that sinks from the standstill on my right...forgot to risk, to get past the margins of safety to love you to love you to love you...forgot to move away from sanskaras that keep me imprinted on the nose and ears and tongue and skin and eyes...forgot...been feasting in the material, telling myself it's christmas, telling myself just this once like a meth-head, bass-head, pot-head, crack-head...just this once...and then yoga and meditation, and i swear...forgot to get married and have kids and that time was a space i had to go through and that it passed and i passed with it unless i sought answers in the pair...forgot...forgot to pay homage and seek and be proactive...

...and when i remembered, it was the aftermath, it was the fire, it was the burning, it was at the bottom of the ocean...without fully getting there, without letting myself sink...forgot to sink all the way because of you, because all i wanted was you, because all i wanted was the applause of an audience, so i wrote myself into a path and purpose and forgot it because you didn't show up...but then i forgot to care about you and stayed on path anyway...retreated from news and stories of the bad guys and good guys and the wars and the rapes and the pillages and jails and prisons and drugs and forgot cause i was studying and yet, all the time it was seeping into my cells, blocking energy production, keeping atp from creating energy and instead the production of a social lethargy led me into this screen typing words five people read 1/10th of before turning off, tuning off, switching channels, on to the next, i'm onto the next...

...forgot to leave fully...forgot to breathe deeper...forgot that we are all connected and that whether i am with you or you, i pray and meditate and tell you the same thing - i was born in bangladesh, my mother came here a few years into my existence in this body, which has already shed and grown, and shed, and now i am decades later in the same block, the same neighborhood, a stranger with ancestry and indigenous being the only anchors that keep me grounded in this world...with the only two people who make any sense being the two most humble, giving, loving, polite, passive, active, quiet, vibrant, self-less, spiritual, indigenous, intellectual, people i know - my parents...so i stay close and hope by osmosis...but then time, and space...and i stay inside a bubble, bowing in vinyasa's by a sense of neccessity...

meditating has been missing...pranayama has been missing...focus has been missing, declutter has been missing...

full moon...let go of clutter...focus on a single path...let go...one...be fearless in Love; Love is to give, is to be in alignment with sun moon planets galaxy...is to stay focused and breath...is to learn to be both of this world and more...of maintaining Quiet...pray for you...give to you...leave to learn...learn to let go and grow...learn to recreate this storyline because, otherwise, the realm of false takes over - sugar and cakes and lattes, and up-late movies, and a million ideas to do a million things.

choose...and focus...and love...and...and...stick to that which is Real by harnessing focusing energy on that which is by going deeper, by being transparent, by being honest, by learning to exist in this realm with the understanding that i Am more than this, and so are You...

...came out...coming out of the closet of retreat in self to share with you...to Love...to walk in the path of the Lover celebrated today by a fifth of the human world - isa, prophet isa...unconditional love that stemmed from being of and for the people...doing...isa was a doer...muhammad was a doer...moses was a doer...they did...they were not me of letters but of deed...

...shhhh....the speechless full moon....

exchanging value in the marketplace

the market place is outside, everywhere, inside. don't need to leave your house, it is where you are, wherever, whatever you have to exchange. in one way markets allow us to share talents with others. this existed in feudalism as well. this has existed form time immemorial, from the days of the prophet, from before. people have talents, they grow deeper with it, they offer this talent as an exchange with others from what they need.

fishermen fish, know the waters, know which angles to drop the net in the sea, do so, get fish, bring it to the market place. fisher men know what non-fishermen don't know. non-fishermen want fish. the shawl-maker knows weaving, knows the loom, knows how to keep the fishermen warm. they exchange. exchange happens.

all praise is due for work, for the opportunity to interact, to exchange.

i do herbs, engage with nutrition, and massage, and yoga. i connect with folk, listen, reflect, write. how am i exchanging in the market place?

the market, much of the market may not be looking for a creative writer, but creative writing allows me to breathe deeper, longer. gives release to blockages that make my heart murmur. writing is a healing art for me. how am i exchanging this in the marketplace?

massage. touch is so essential, is so vital to healing, to feeling loved, to being loved, to connecting with self and others, to transforming from pain. touch. i touch with what i have studied, appreciate the art of the healing, enjoy moving my body to support the healing process of others. how am i exchanging this in the market place?

yoga helps to relieve stress, to focus, to keep the body in circulation, to destress, to flow, to align mind with focus with breath with body with spirit with Soul. yoga is more than exercise. it is ocean, it returns our one drop in the Eternal. and still, yoga has the benefit of this life, of tone, of flexibility, of rejuvenation. yoga is a love, a passion, a practice for me. how am i exchanging yoga in the marketplace?

what i keep learning is that there may be no table set up for what i am doing. so no one to hire me for this. but, like a chicken without a head, i keep going in loops, looking at jobsites, looking at the vendors in the market place with helpwanted signs, and none of them fit my job description, and none of them want to hire. the latter is a blessing, because it is a constant reminder to stay fixed in my offerings. but offer.

your offerings are essential to the homeostasis of our planet, of this and the next dimensions. by not engaging in the marketplace, by not exchanging that which will help the world, that which will really help and not just get you money, not just get you fame, not just create a hot product, by truly exchanging your deeper talents in the market place, you support ascension. all praise is due.

decluttering = focus

part of decluttering leads to the inadvertent and essential goal of focus.

focus, i learn over and over again, leads to success, regardless of the odds against you.

when you focus, you create the circumstances for being so deeply rooted, you are as shakeable as a vine - supple and moving, but wrapped around the center of the earth.

what will my focus be? what am i so passionate about that i could go deep. real deep?

herbs. specifically nervines and adaptogens.

this depth grows instead of precludes possibilities - adaptogen gardens, adaptogens for educators, adaptogens for post-election results for some, adaptogens in cuisine, adaptogenic entrees...

adaptogens, allow us to root i what is Real.

adaptogens allow us to adapt.

adaptogens can be meditations. can help post-trauma, refugees, inmates, victims of childhood craziness, stressed new yorkers...


adaptogens draw us deeper into the ancient world, as they arise from the ancient cannon.

full moon december 2016

ayam-al-beed - the 3 days of the full moon - the 13th, 14th, & 15th in the lunar calendar, the scientific basis for the islamic calendar. these 3 days are recognized as auspicious, as days to Listen. Listening happens best on an empty stomach and full heart. weakness of senses, and strength of body...

been meditating on weakness and strength these past couple days as i've been sniffling, holding my throbbing head, covering my mouth as i thrash in coughs, and tuck deeper into a blanket, tightly covering my throat to prevent the cold from choking me 6 feet high and under...

feel mortal, weak, disappointed in myself for being weak, for being so vulnerable, for being so inept physically. wonder, in moments of prostration, what is the lesson here? what is the ayat for me in this journey?

this is what i learned:

although i bow and vinyasa, and meditate, and eat nutritionally sound, and hydrate well, and am social, there are parts that are missing, things i am lacking in.

herein lies the crux with last months intention - to build circumstance/s that require me to fulfill purpose.

i've been walking into circumstances that place me in the way of germs, of cesspools of virus and bacteria. welcome to the modern classroom. it is a circumstance that comes with the territory of my current occupation. but all engagements in any society means interaction with circumstance. circumstances exist. for this reason, it is important to be rooted in deeper rooting in Real, to have circumstances no matter the circumstance.

that is, if i am in a circumstance where there is disease abound, my rootedness in nourishing foods will keep me in a circumstance of health. nourishing, in this instance means foods that are local, seasonal, that align with my body constitution and the tilt of the earth and distance from the sun in this specific point and time. thus, all things considered - potatoes, apple, kale, beta-carotene rich cruciferous veggies - purple cabbage, caulfilower, broccoli...stews that incorporate this. warmth with fats to keep moist and warm in the face of cold and dry.

thus, one of the learnings, at the very tip of the last supermoon, through this new phase of vulnerability, is to grow deeper in rooting in Real, and allowing the Real to create circumstance in life circumstances. that is, there are circumstances we can build and require us to fall into, like renting a space with others and setting up a conference on yogic breathing. but then, there are circumstances that we must create in order to engage with the minute to minute - the train ride/car ride/walk over to wherever you go - the cafe, the restaurant, the dinner you go to - the socializing you do - the shopping for foods - all of these default on a circumstance, and if you are not equipped with structures grounded in Real, than - slouch, fatigue, susceptible to germs and disease, judgemental thoughts...

this leads me to this months super moon intention - to clear clutter. i realized in this illness, that part of my challenge with sleep is that i have way to many lights on in my head - too much thinking, which means its like vegas in my head - pollution.

this light pollution keeps from seeing the stars, the milkyway, only possible in areas that are completely black - the national arches of utah, cherry state national park in pennsylvania - to see the Light, you have to turn the lights off.

as without, so within, ayurveda says. happiness is when what we say, what we think, what we do, are one and the same, gandhi said. in a room full of clutter, if my words are sparse they are misaligned with my cluttered thoughts.

clutter, than keeps us, me from the peace i was striving from a couple full moons ago - peace, planning, presence. presence is possible in the face of peace. in its absence, no peace.

as without - without i've been accumulating and holding on to everything, finding slivers of floor to lay in, dreaming one day when the sun is brighter...oooh childing to myself and holding tight to that which is ephemeral.

this full moon, i create the circumstance for peace, by de-cluttering without, and within - burn the relics of that which is false, which was a moment... all praise is due... letting go of books, clothes, electronics i no longer need...

...this leads to the third portion of the lesson this illness - the first being create circumstance in the mundane moment to moment for societal ineraction by rooting in Real . the 2nd being de-cluttering without and within. 3rd, i realized, or i understood the sign of this illness to mean that there is reality in this body, in this lifetime and spiritual strength requires physical strength, not to be confused for cosmetic muscles and foods. but without a strength in the body, in the debilitated state, its hard to concentrate on anything other than one's own misery. in this state, spiritual awareness is a challenge.

thus, strength. be strong. strength. be strong by building the circumstance that allows for rooting in Real - roots nutrition, rooted in smoothies, soups, porridges, season, constitution, sun and the crescent moon.

through this month, i carry the truth of the lessons from this past month - building circumstances to root in Real. thus, i realized, financial weakness, also keeps us preoccupied in matters that keep us scavenging. to shift this, the circumstance has to be changed.

as i let go of clutter, i build on that which is essential, that which is Real...a clean, clear space...all praise is due... 

passion into ability to be 100

one hundred percent of the time the sun sweats, beams, lets go, gives a little bit of itself, shoots rays of Light...

one hundred percent of the time, the moon revolves around the earth, is available to reflect or conceal the light of the sun, spins within a given proximity to the earth.

one hundred percent...

nature is one hundred.

for us, for me, this is at once stunning and yet, if i were to apply this surrender to myself, terrifyingly monotonous. yet, each of these, have been objects of reverence for cultures across the globe, over time, and each of these are in complete Surrender, without a second of deviation.

 this, herein, lies the teachings of the prophet of Surrender (muhammad s.a.w) to the Source of Peace (islam). that, if the 1 trillion ton earth, and planets 1000 times the earths dimensions, and stars megawatta of light so bright, so scorched that immediate dissolution - if these bodies, beings, harbingers of life can be in complete surrender, and are, then take heed. learn from their lessons.

what are the lessons? to be in a state of worship. in being so, to be in utter humility. in being so, to be completely open. in being so, to lose self. the lesson is in this worship, to focus. to focus completely in devotion, with holistic dedication. maintain this focus, by getting deeper, going deeper. growing deeper and deeper.

the lesson, then is to Surrender to the path like a cobbler, a shawl-maker, a rickshawallah, a barber, a coffeemaker, a tea-maker, a writer, a philosopher, a farmer, an herbalist. Surrender. stay focused on what you Love, and Surrender to it. 100.

what do i love? in you, when i see, meet you, i love humility. i loved running into my amma in the train today, me coming from the south bronx, her coming from downtown, from the dental clinic that students learn in by working on those of us whose insurance says no to all else. my amma with her smile like a sun held lovingly by stratospheres. my mom, whose newly cleaned teeth glistened moon and reflected in me cheshire. my mom, always wide-eyed and humble and vibrant, and positive - humility. all praise is due. bow down to you amma.

i love kicking it, having a stomping ground to kick it, a community meeting point where we have no appointments to meet, but will run into each other, because it is here, and regardless of your schedule and my schedule, and us both attempting to make appointments to hang, but time conflicting, we run into each other all the time, have coffee and talk about the weather in mars. this of course, if i were to be meta-cognitive, stems from ancestry, from generations of being of village, of a place called home, and your friends, family, community, are all within blocks of you.

i love looking forward to days off from a challenging job, to unwind, and chill at the cafe and feel no strings pulling me.

i love bowing my head, touching ground, and giving thanks for the engulfing peace i feel at letting go of all notions of knowing anything.

i love teas - green, mint, woody...

i love doing meaningful bodywork and treatments on others, not because they paid and it will feel good for them, but because we are both in deeper dialogue and trust in transforming hurt. i love being able to support others in their transformation, as it is also mine, as them getting deeper with their pain, and growing from it is me getting deeper with mine, and growing.

i love writing. endlessly, and painting worlds, and expressing science fiction present world dialectics. words meaningless and absorbed in black light.

i love food, being healthy, eating healthy. healthy being what's aligned with the sun and the moon. healthy being what's aligned with those picking plums and peas being happy about it, and living well off it. healthy being feeling good in my body and soul.

i love being local. chilling where i'm at.

so how what can i be the best at so i can be of service? what can i do to make this a complete meditation.

circumstance is do what you love

what i love is herbs and touch and movement and juicing and smoothies and salads and veganism and raw foodism and ketogenic and yogi and ayurvedic world view and peace and justice and i'm not competing, not trying to flex muscles on mine bigger than yours not tryna be theeee boss, you keep that, not tryna be right or wrong, just...

...just trying to recall the wisdom from the Recitation that i came across recently - avoid placing yourself in the role of idol, instead place One before you in all that you do - how are you placing One before you? how are you forwarding the work of the One, being an abd'ullah? fidel castro (r.i.p king - i see You, even through the hunters controlled slandering of what we saw heard and read thought about you). something like that...

what it made me think of is yeah, of course. get past yourself, get past your drive to be a personality, a mark, a known, because this passes - skin has already changed, eyes, hair, all of me is not 19 or 22. and 22 and 19 were puzzling and not 15 and 16 and at 15 16 i couldn't wait to be out of the jailhouse of school and grow some facial hair...

a sham...this frequency of always in want...advertisers, marketers study this. it is a science to get you perpetually dissatisfied with everything. for this reason the richest, prettiest by babylon standards, are on pharmatropics, doing lines of zoloft and coke...strumming bass in the plane in front of flight attendants that eye me for being that brown - not dark enough to be not a threat, but that lighter shade of dark that gets glossed over in binary convo and race and class and prisons, the kind that inhabits much of upstate and torture rooms, water-boarded and being questioned on what the words i whispered in prostration before eating meant... peace i say. reverence...

so herbs...herb classes not for me to prove what i know, but if it is truly in worship to One, to get you and i to get deeper with the Creation - the plants, leaves, pinnate and bicipital, and nitrogen and all praise is due-ing...reverence, scientific knowledge for reverence, energetic knowledge for reverence...not to prove a point but to Connect...this class will explore 3 classes of herbs from an integrative yogic perspective - meaning - ayurvedic science, western herbal science and yogic energetics.

start with this...incorporate meditation, asana that supports the properties of the herbs, i.e. adaptogens, breathing techniques...nutritional goodies that could be made with these herbs...writings on these herbs...drawings/sketches - where science and art come together

classes support community, grow/create community, are positive frequency spaces to grow deeper in a subject, with a subject matter...

i want to take the teachings of the One to serve the One, by promoting peace, humility, nutrition, community...love communities...

the circumstance is to build on what u have - to promote and build community...

focus or the circumstance is chaos

knocked off my feet by running past myself, running to keep up with subways, left lane of the left lane of skills, and jobs, gigs and relevance...

...irrelevant. i've always been irrelevant. shunned it. sought to fit, sought to squeeze a circle into a box, earth into a fridge. did it. came out stiff and broke-dancing. so broke, i became cool, part of the in, looked at, checked out.


the race to the bottom opens doors in babylon.

never me, and knowing this has kept me running, on an escalator going 50, on 3 planes, 3 trains, 3 cars, and 3 subways at once. nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah...

...spinning...a million thoughts...a million ideas...a million dollars somewhere over the city skyline...

the circumstance has been to default on what is set forth for me...jobs that exist, ideas for change, ideas for entrepreneurship, a million of them

...and thus, by circumstance - dizzy, nauseous, running a million and never moving an inch, and then the full moon comes out - speechless and brilliant...

...circumstance to shift into focus...focus requires honing in, getting deeper...

...i have been getting deeper in yoga and touch...

...through touch, i can go deeper in the work i do with people. touch requires medicine making - oils. it requires using herbs - making poultices, oils, lepanas. it requires preparing the body through nutrition - ghee, ghritas, tailas, ketogenics, paleos, elimination...it requires therapeutic diets...swank, fodmaps, sibo...it requires collaboration of movement - yoga, yoga therapy, assisted movement...it requires breath, breathing techniques, meditation...

...through touch, i can touch on everything else...everything...getting deeper with touch would be panchakarma - detoxification...i can focus on just this - detox, detoxification means letting it out, letting loose, talking about it...

...panchakarma allows for a focus on a finite period - 7, 14, 21, 18...it allows for meaningful results...it allows for sacred preparations to remain sacred...it allows me to hone in what i studied and get deeper with it...it allows me to make herbal preparations...

...the circumstances then will be...panchakarma...herbal detoxing, becoming more flexible, programs of self-detoxification, periods of being outside panchakarma but maintaining a detox path...

...circumstance - touch, self touch, partner touch for flexibility - the becoming flexible again, rejuvenating, and becoming whole...

habits of circumstance

some people want it all...snow...i want snow...

i want to be snow flakes, just moments before they touch the ground...

...touch...lets go...all praise is due...

circumstance is to be required by the force of nature to respond...

...lack of food, lack of water...out, scavenging, working for $2-3 an hour to buy a loaf of bread and peanut butter...

...circumstance is be on time or you lose this job, which means no pay, means no rent $, means out on the streets, means no wife, kids, friends...gonna go to work, gonna set the alarm, gonna go to bed extra early, gonna drink coffee and do jumping jacks to stay up...

...circumstance is there is a paper due tmmrw for a class you paid $1100 for, and if you fail, you lose that $$ and have to take that class again, otherwise you lose the opportunity to get the certificate/diploma/license you need to get the job that will give you a job that will pay your rent and bills, and food...

circumstance is performance tomorrow, in front of friends and family, no $ involved, but reputation, the sight and thoughts and words of others hold gravity...and you have to get it more than right...you have to do great, otherwise...rumors, disappointment, perceptions, status, bridges - burnt...

...circumstance is i am doing this workshop with someone i know...we are in it together, we set a date and a time and a place, and already put the deposit down, now we need the people, we need 5 at this price-point to break even - 10 to make minimum wage for all the hours we put in, and 20, to make it worthwhile...

...set up the circumstances in the areas you are interested in...that will grow you in your field of passion, in your path...

...do it now...

full moon november 2016: super moon super you

all praise...bow down to You...rooted in You...

this week, in a surah i opened to at random, You reminded me, kept me in humility, in peace, connected to The Source of Peace (al Salam).

You said that the obsessor will keep me in desire, in chase after false idols. i understand now that false idols, and idol worship is not merely statues of zeus, and ganesha, but the concept of worshipping something which is not real.

false idols abound. we are mesmerized by them - the new shelltops everyone is rocking, with the gold writing on the tongue; the fade dudes wear with the line on the side; the coffee i sniff and float to; the jeans with the slashes that draw you eyes to the knees and thighs of the women rocking them, the new prius with the extra smooth silent engine, and large trunk; the pretty boy, the pretty girl; the famous yoga instructor/nutritionist/martial artist/musician...

false idols can also be our jobs, things we obsess over - our supervisors approval/disapproval. it can be unemployment.

the source of stress then, is itself a false idol, and idolizing what is false will keep us in a state of stress.

i was in a state of worshipping the false, stressed by this new job i took on. i was obsessing over what my boss thought, whether i was doing my work right or not. obsessing over whether i would fail at what i was trying to do, what they would think, how embarrassing it would be...  then i came across some passages from the Recitation. it reminded me of the importance of seeing past maya - the illusion. that this was a moment, and that by anchoring in it, i was anchoring in what wasn't even air - the ephemeral - growing heavy in weight and dragging when life itself has passed.

obsessed with the obsessor, i listen to his whispers when i am not Listening. i fall to his tune and think what is injurious is beautiful. i take it in like a drug. it keeps me in a state of distance from what is Real.

i am reminded to root in what is Real by the Recitation. when you do, branches and fruits of heaven on earth.

last month - peace, planning, presence. this kept me present in listening, in the moment with You. it kept me in deeper exhalations during asanas. it kept me in a state of peace. it kept me from being sunk by election results. peace is the way. peace is the root. moments of anguish allow for this realization to be even starker. so all praise is due. the planning i did has become habit - setting up my clothes the night before, preparing my meals for the next day and packing it, being a step ahead in my job commitments by investing in the planning from weeks ahead, n then fine tuning. the planning went well with the peace n presence. they complemented one another. by planning, i was prepared n in a good state to deal with the days as they came. by being in peace, i was open to collaboration with others, allowing my plans to be malleable. and by being present, i was able to listen, and support the ideas of the others i was working with, in their ideas. this lead to less labor, less stress, and greater ease.

this month, i hope to continue this practice of presence, planning, and peace while letting go of prioritizing that which is other than the art i want to grow in - ancient medicine. i plan on letting go of prioritizing that which is job, and not work, by creating circumstance. this full moon, i create circumstance that requires me to be manifest path. i will do this through rooting in Real. thus, circumstances that i create align with what is Always, rather than personality and identity.

if i were to practice that which is most important in my offerings, it would be ancient medicine, yogi, hakeem, humility, shawl, treatments. it would be herbs. it would be medicine making, it would be bodywork, food, it would be Quiet, meditation. it would be transforming the false idol of stress, by supporting others to root in what is Real medicine. it would be holding group sessions - community - where we practice - go through a sequence of nutrition - learning to cook foods that will help; meditation, juicing, counsel - talking about it, yoga sequence for addressing stress - building community - an 8 week series that gives people participating an opportunity to build with one another, to have community, to do cleanses, to be quiet together. i would have a gift available for them that they can use in the absence of physical gatherings - a box of guidance and supports that they can open, that can help them. i'd like to have this available to people at different levels - people from humble indigenous backgrounds like my parents, people in the education world, people in corporate backgrounds, musicians, artists, leaders of schools, places of worship, lawyers, doctors, housewives, house-husbands...

i see it. the offering is a spiritual one. the circumstance is the gifts and the 8-week sessions or 9.

i see You.

full moon: october 2016: the 3 p's

walking through a landscape of dreams, some cities, some country, some in the mojave. somehow, my most recent dream has found me back in the city i sought to escape, like a dream i hope not to return to. somehow in the  city, i've ended up in a job that is less than ideal, that feels toxic and exhausting and a place i can't leave. there are kids involved. they are used to adults leaving them. its a lot of work. it's in a direction that is removed from the road i saw lights of destination in.

but that's it. the journey is the destination. this is part of the journey. big step tells me sometimes you gotta eat a sh@t sandwich. that you have responsibilities, and you gotta do what you gotta do even if its less than ideal. my brother tells me to go with my heart, but if i am to do something that compromises my path, than use it as an opportunity to plan your next steps.

that makes sense. haven't much planned before. haven't spent a great deal of time working out next steps. instead, i go from moment to moment, doing things if they are interesting at the moment, often falling into circumstance instead of shaping circumstance.

last month my intention was to engage in vata pita kapha in all things. i did this in bits. but forgot. last month i said i would focus more on the spiritual aspect of the medicine i carry, instead of getting to wrapped up in the western dissections of it. last month, i said i would move from a place of yoga in all things. i said i would escape the prison wall as i grew deeper in self-effacement.

i did get deeper in yoga. i've learned that focusing on my center in asana practice, strengthened my back, relieved it from some of the pains i've been experiencing. i learned from taking a class under the instruction of a friend who follows a lineage, how much my center was needed in folding, in directing, in navigating movement. i learned how much deeper i need to get in alignment. i also learned recently through my research and writings on bone health, that too much in the way of stretch was electro-positive in the magnetic fields of our bone, which sets off osteoclasts, leading to bone loss. this versus compression - electro-negative - which strengthens bone.

yoga is at once flexibility and strength, accomplished through breath-meditation. i've been exhaling longer than my inhales.

this month, the intention i put forth is planning, presence, and peace. the three positive p's.

planning my next steps in life - housing, family, community, medicine-man practice, entrepreneurship/family-economics, literary movement, setting up plans for work, putting them in place, to maximize effectiveness and minimize stress and extra time lost.

presence - being where i am when i am. when i am at work, i am there, but when i am home, or elsewhere, i am in those places.

peace - operating from al-Salam - the Source of Peace, by being and moving from breath-consciousness, letting my job be my karma yoga, being present from peace, planning from peace, delving in ayurveda and yoga from peace.

choose the steeper road

in the name of ALLAH, the Most Compassionate, the Most Merciful.

shhhh....the party is happening. upstairs. lines form. dissolve. some bring 6, 12 packs, some bring mixers and bottles. some bring bags of dirty grass. some leave, stumble, confess, communion, vomit. daylight. hallows eve. thanksgiving eve. christmas eve. new years eve. 2012 13 14 15 16 117 119...

2222. the number 8. below ground where my flesh are roots of a bristle cone pine tree. plaid shirts and pumas missed me this year. flesh and bones missed me. beamers and infinities neither a memory nor a thought.

dissolved of uniform, i am naked in truth - sun, moon, and planets.

a wish. make a wish with prayer. i pray that you are clear in your Truth. i pray that you actualize this purpose. i pray that we meet where you do. i pray that the struggle you endure only deepens your belief.

ALLAH reminds us in the the surah of "the city", that the path of truth is steep, and requires work, struggle, and you will know you are on it when others are freer because of it, when others are Closer because of it. the easy road lies before us. it's an option. but what is most difficult?

what choice if you make will place you at great risk, will render your security unstable, but will grow you in a way that will cause Truth to shine?

for me? the steep path would be practicing this medicine. would be practicing this medicine so that the spirituality of it is transparent, and draws others Closer, draws us into community. real community.

full moon sept 2016

quick. it happened quick. like a hashtag. like a snap chat. the full moon rose, cast its spell, left me in a harvest of questions on purpose vs employment vs entrepreneurship vs past vs future vs everyone else...

i've been creating dualities, ending up with equations that manifest in the clock that stares me down like a warden, reading 9:11 when i look. am and pm.

i'm unclear on which if any of the symbolism of 911 this is pointing to - chile sept 11 1971 when u.s. fighter jets rammed into and bombed the presidential palace of salvador allende, the democratically elected president, assasinated in this coup and replaced with the brutal despot, pinochet. or is it the sept 11 2001, when  2 planes crashed into the twin towers and killed close to 3000 people. or is it the cops. the number you may dial in the case of an emergency.

whatever the case, 9+1+1 = 11 = 1+1=2.

two is the number of duality. what is referred to as illusion in islamic and vedic texts, espoused by vednatists and sufis. the maya.

been in the maya. caught between the maya and that which is real.

real is always, infinite. the number 8, reached only after getting to 9, the ledge. ready to jump? makes no sense if you think in western linear thought. unless you're a mathematician. if you are then you know algebra, the formulary code of alchemists. all things al- are originate from the arab world, which through the path of surrender was in spirit-intellectual dialogue with western eastern central southern africa, central asia and india, and east asia. this conversation led to a confluence of ideas subservient to the science of spirituality.

what am i subservient to? last month, the full moon signified truth, being honest. i feel better in this regard, growing deeper here.

this month, i would like to grow deeper in being a disciple of ayurveda. of seeing and working from here. this month, i'd like to zero in on my angle, my focus, grow deeper with just this path of traditional medicine - by moving away from perfection, from trying to know everything and being crippled by research, and instead keeping it simple, experiencing and speaking from experience.

is this what i want?

gurrukal tells me the only way to move forward is to know what you want. you have to know what you'd like to accomplish and then manifest it, seek it out. it will happen. but focus.

what do i want? a family, real community, a loving wife and kids, building compassion through structures and values, through sustainable communities that have a deep loving relationship with the earth, all its diversity of species, and plant life, and ideas, and peoples.

i want the wars the violence to end, the racism to end, the classism to end, the greed and exploitation to cease, the apathy and that's them to transform to that could be me.

where does the traditional medicine come in here?

being a healer. drawing people closer to compassion for themselves, for their body, and by way of this, their food, and by way of this, the earth, and by way of this plant life, other species, and other humans. respect Royalty.

the traditional medicine for me is supporting people in getting closer to the traditional way, the ancient ways, the way of sacred, and compassion and community.

i want to stay away from teaching and commodifying ancient knowledge like yoga and ayurveda. instead i want to make sure i share it in a way that draws people deeper into compassion. at the root of yoga is compassion is spirituality. at the root of ayurveda is spirituality.

this is how i want to practice, teaching and growing and sharing spirituality.

no schools will give me the license to do this. no jobs hire me to do this. but it must be done. we are missing compassion for each other, for ourselves..."and many of us, by the way we act, we even lost our minds", malik el shabazz said.

what it sounds like i want is to build on the spiritual roots of the medicines i carry and get deeper on this and focus from here as i do the work. the work is massage and bodywork, herbalism, and food. all of it is yoga and ayurveda. yoga is at the center of all that i do. the essence of yoga is ALLAHoo. the evidence is in the breath. breathe deep. dive. make it so. grow deeper.

so this full moon. i get deeper with the medicine in the way jesus would. i put myself out there. avoid over-information and stick to the basics - the Essence -the ancient mathematics of the medicine.

in a few words, this month i am a disciple of vata, pita, kapha in all things, by way of practicing medicine in this way; i am a disciple of yoga in all things, by writing, moving, speaking, connecting from a place of yoga - breath, focus, movement, flexibility, strength.

this month i manifest this by setting up the circumstances that require me to be in self-effacement. al-hallaj, escaping the prison wall and doing and making it happen...

sacrifice everything

because...

no beginning no end...

energy is that which cannot be created nor destroyed...

ALLAH does not beget, nor was ALLAH begotten...

we emerge from ALLAH, and to ALLAH we return...

these are truths, observable...spend time with a fruit, a vegetable, a tree, see the leaves, the fruits, see what happens, see their cycle, they are born, grow ripe, grow soft, grow dark, dry, fall on earth, become earth...

see...

...but you're seeing drake and kendrick and are star struck and running to the mall to soho to the shopping strip and grabbing the latest, before it gets too popular, and 2 weeks later it will get too popular, and you will discard it, and on to the next...

...you see what has been designed like a mouse trap with the most enticing bait human history has ever known - fame/money/power - ego - the greatest battle of the 21st century.

...you see...you can see...but look past the king's clothes, he has none, he is no king, a false idol, and yet you bow...what does that say about you? who are you worshipping? and what are those who you worship worshipping?

...sacrifice, because there is no beginning no end, so you have nothing to lose because once you come into consciousness from the tv your head is crashed in, you will Awaken into Self...

blessings Self...

...sacrifice...

today i realized the importance of sacrifice in deepening path, in growing in journey back to Essence, the One-ness - ALLAH...

...what i realized is this: the journey back happens through complete surrender, as commemorated by eid-ul-adha, the holy day that commemorates the life of one of the greatest surrender-ers in human history - ibrahim.

after 90 years, without a son, ibrahim, through devout prayer, was granted a son. when the son had grown to be a boy, ibrahim received word that he was to sacrifice his son. ibrahim, through anguish, took his son to a mountain, and upon raising his sword, was given word by djibril that he needn't slay his son, but instead sacrifice a lamb.

what is significant about this story for me is ibrahim's complete surrender. for anyone who takes this story to be extreme and emblematic of how deranged the path of Surrendering to the Source of Peace (=Islam) is, this is directly from the old testament.

in the face of complete surrender, sacrifice happens, becomes possible. but i half-step, do the safe 2-step dance, weigh my options, my sense of reality. i know this person on the train is hungry and limping by me with a hat out for change, but i'm not in the best financial situation, but soon as a i am...

what becomes possible in complete surrender? purpose becomes possible, as security is sacrificed.

i sacrifice a job that offers healthcare and a set weekly paycheck, to fulfill purpose. i realized that today, during the interview, when the interviewer told me how, sure, the job wasn't great, and how there were much greater opportunities out there, but unlike those positions, this one was not precarious, this one offered security. yeah, i said, nodding, coming to realization of the imam's sermon on the story of ibrahim earlier in the day...ibrahim could've hidden, could've dis-avowed his belief, but he remained steadfast in the science...

i am not one to believe blindly. i am drawn to ayurveda, yoga, and islam because of the science, because they are based on empirical and hidden science, known partially through algebra and geometry, physics and chemistry, but mostly through Quiet Surrender, through the Music.

this is brief royalty. this being the capsule you've come to identify as you - the human uniform. the human experience is a short trip - queens to brooklyn - people come in and out along the way - good conversations, and memorable conflicts - and ultimately, you have to get off as well.

create what you have been sent here to Create.

build builder. it's essential that you do. do it Quietly. do it as part of worship, devotion, in Surrender. the pictures you snap grow brown and crinkly. your hair grows grey and face folds.

choose the Journey, by being fearless in your Surrender. bow down to your cause, because it is all of our cause. pursue your Purpose with devotion, love, humility, community.

you are not a lone, nor a lone gun-man, we are in it together, a team, hence prayer in community is more powerful than alone. get away from the fantasies of hollywood/bollywood hero/heroine of being the poster that others worship. your Purpose is at once individual and community.

not about you but You.

in surrender, sacrifice, real sacrifice, becomes possible, is no longer grand.

do it now.

full moon: august 2016

to be really honest...you can do it, but you have to be really honest...

...that's what sadhya told me at the cafe a few days back, before the full moon, before i walked over rooftops, 10000 feet above aluminum buildings in a thrash-metal ekg skyline, and sang notes as idealistic as 19 and 22...are you 19? 22?

...gurrukal told me as well, a few months back, during our weekly meetings, when i'd come to meet her at 8am, n she did the same for me, both of us merging in a room without a window, disciple and guru...

you can be a vaidya, but the only way to be so is to be completely honest. count the number of times you find yourself lying, partially lying, or not telling the truth. 

i did. it felt like a lot. i am at the age of prophecy. i am the skin of immigration and the tongue of assimilation. i am bangladesh. i am pre-partition india, where my father was born. i am illegal, an alien, belonging to the religion that those who tell the news - who govern what we see hear read - say is of the brand of terror, say is synonymous with uncouth, uncivilized, backward, savage, oppressive, violent...the hunters, they tell the story, n we parrot it

the new agers have answers. they've come up with a new yoga, new spiritualism that is somehow deeper, just the way those who came up with jamestown and d.c. and baltimore and nyc knew something the savage natives didn't.

to be honest, i am the native kid that was sent away to boarding school by the civilized world, to be re-trained, and i have forgotten the tongue of my ancestry, and have learned to view my parents and tribe as superstitious and old-world...but pluck from what suits me, like dhal bhat and ek tara and re-assemble it to fit my concoction...new age imperialism...

i've been learning, in being honest with myself, that what those, like myself, were seeking, already exists/existed. thing is, it's being bombed out of existence. has been for the past five centuries. from one indigenous decimation, to the next. we are on the next one, on to the next one...

honestly, i aspire to live in a village where we have meaningful relations with one another and the land, and take care of one another, and be accountable, and get through things as a family. i know it's easier to leave, to be unaccountable, james dean, jay z, kanye, hollywood, us, me...

the theme has been repeating - honesty - being honest...so much of my life has been a quilt of lies...even today, even these clothes i wear, this language i write in...

so this month, in manifesting entrepreneurship, in building this traceless monument to a path, i let go of lies, and embrace honesty...with love and compassion...

in the name of ALLAH, the Most Compassionate, the Most Merciful

lub dub lub dub

...if only...if only...if only you would think...

this lament is repeated in several of the surahs i've come across...thinking happens when the mind is surrendered and the heart rises like the moon...at the stroke of midnight, while the rest of the world sleeps...as nehru eloquently placed the birth of a new nation, at the treachorous cost of an ancient one, carved and dissected for war, and rumors of a war...

...thinking means, requires surrender, abandon of the chase and the stagnation, by way of the lub dub...

lub dub is the beat of the universe, it is what all species are in tune with...no need to market yourself as the founder of lub dub, or credit your community as the first to discover it...if you do, you may be suffering from a false sense of self, as none of us are an island...

all praise is due for every opportunity, even when the world weighs like hate speech etched in aluminum and depleted uranium and dropped on the minds of tens of millions...

...the heart may be stopped but the spirit continues, life cycles, another birth, another burial...as i write this, as you read...it's happening...just a cycle...what is the meaning...?

...the journey...

you and i are here in this realm at this moment, and some have dropped off between the last sentence and this...this is life...moments of breath...are you breathing...?

expectation to be more than, to be what it is you may not be, have what you don't have, etc., will lead to stagnation, to the bedroom, the blanket, the internet, shopping, porn, blunts, wine and gin and vodka, eating out, binging, staying up till 3 watching the 18th episode in a row of the show you just started, texting for hours, dropping pills for sleep, calcium, vitamin c, digestion, indigestion, constipation, anxiety, depression...

dope. dopamine. quick fix. getting doped up from breaking bad, from the vodka and milk, from big butt dot com, from coffee and croissants, from zoloft and selexor, from quarter pound angus burgers, from another certification, another degree, from dropping fists on the weak, from cussing others out, from pocketing pocket watches, from being branded, and in the know...

baby, take off your cool...

get to Know You...

...what is that you are avoiding? what is it that keeps you in: stuck, glued to can't's and i suck, and my life sucks, and no point, and not today, and if only i had this, then that...????????????

i believe it is when we forget to see life for what it is - a moment in a series of moments, all of which pass, none of which there is a returning to, but all of which shape us and everyone around us...

play King/Queen. get in the game. try. you are royalty, from the most divine lineage, regardless of what anyone has told you, regardless of whether your family struggles with rent money and food, whether you are considered to be alien in citizenship status in the country you reside in, whether your complexion is anathema to arbitrary standards of beauty, whether you are discreet and humble in a loud and indiscreet realm, whether you are too old or too young....

you are of the origin of the Infinite, the Source of Peace, the Most Merciful, the Most Compassionate...

...this moment, no matter how challenged and confusing, and painful, and difficult it is, is a gift...how?????

every problem provides an opportunity for us to get deeper, to grow, to let go with surrender and purpose...

this requires grapple, this requires struggling through with embrace, this requires being fully present...

are you fully present? are you here now? are you listening? what is your stuck telling you? what's keeping you in the cycle of depression, anxiety, unemployment, addiction...?

you say you don't feel your good enough? what makes you feel that way? you are being rejected? okay...how many times? rejection is good. means you are playing. but are you? are you playing or did you try a couple of times and throw your hands up? did you really try? did you learn from what you did before? or do you keep doing the same thing? if someone were to give you a ball and told you to throw it and get it through a hoop and you kept missing, do you quit? how about trying to do it differently? how about trying a different stance, a different twitch of the wrist...

get deeper, do it differently...

most importantly, do it from within. a lot of self-help and motivational talks focus on things from a business perspective. that's because they worship capital, the dollar - in god we trust - yes, they trust in manipulation, hoodwinking, etc. and because they've made millions from it, they want to share their success stories with you, and when you try it out and try to fit it to your purpose and it doesn't work, you get down, depressed, feel stuck and inept...

work from within, from the Surrender, whether this leads to financial gain or not. recall, at every instance that just as you were five years ago, this moment will be a past, and go just as quickly.

we are in a running river and are holding on to rocks and branches against the tide, our arms and legs becoming stiff, turning yellow...why, of course...we are going against the course of nature...

you have a purpose, and it lies in the pain, in your particular struggle...embrace it...go deeper...

full moon july 2016

whoever saw You died...

who so ever, sheds this uniform, the chrysalis sheds, wings spread, seven heavens...

...bismillah...

full moon in queens, ny,
returned to a childhood and smoke...
...the songs of mary poppins and dick van dyke in the outdoor screening of summertime in the park...i tell my mom...she's excited for a moment, recalling us, recollecting the gold she stuffed under antennas on the roof, in proximity to the smog of heaven, to buy a stairway to suburbia, 30, 40 years ago...

...i played the lotto then...vicariously, watching the line of dreamers outside the optimo, the same one i'd get optimos in later, discarding tobacco, and rolling the overgrown weed of familial dreams, lit it in the car with ed and hap, and crept the city, laughing like exorcism, up in smoke, homeless in our tribe...

...youngblood, that's what my brother calls me, the One who Knows...that's his name, given before birth, upon the siting of the moon by my grandfather, his brother, and our chacha, men with humility longer than their beards and garments, as quiet as the beads they held behind their back like secrets as they counted the geometry of crescents and stars...

...this full moon perched in the sky like an owl, wise and elder, shining through the glitter of the ave i walked up and down for years calculating race, gender, ethnicity, brown face white mask, black mask, latin mask, until i was old enough to leave the mask with you, and become invisible, bullet-through...they shoot...

...i walked her home in silence...me lost in the moon and conundrum, the equations of pi, in the space of bullseye, continuing the paternal legacy of job-less-ness...but i'm working, i tell myself...and she is quiet, perhaps in felicity...peace...

stop running, rumi recommends, and lose your self...what is your old life anyway, nothing but a struggle to be someone, nothing but a running from your own silence...

july, mid-summer dreams flirt with possibility and fantasy, and have been overcrowded by doubt and second tenth 47 guesses...as i sit in coffee and screens...comfort...

...what would it mean to try, to really try - fall, used to fall, that's how i learned to walk, to run, jump, leap, steal bases...the longer road has been avoiding the fall, staying in the safety of illusion, of dishonesty, of avoiding truth by pretending, by being less than forthcoming...

...gurrukul tells me that to practice ayurveda, to truly practice, means to be honest, completely honest, with yourself, with yourself because if you can't be honest with yourself, you can't with anyone else, amd of course with everyone else as well...

...fall, this is who i am, this is who i am without these shirts and shorts and kicks i think are cool cause you may...this is who i am in this path in yogum and ayurveda and this is what i have to offer and this is what my lines are and this is why....

...to fall is sermon on the mount...is the ring...muhammad ali...is to swing...is to play...is to play beyond the game...is to split legs and stay in fold...iyengar...is to talk to you...little-danny... is to let go of the false idols...rumi...which holds me up, which i've come to hide behind...is to be so Real, is to skat, flirt, try, get rejected, laughed at, try again, go deeper...

...what are you missing in your practice? i'm still sliding off eagle and trepid in scorpion, and without a handstand...

...what would it mean to go deeper? to hurt, to fall, to let go of the destination and instead breathe the experience, appreciate the journey, like knowing that i will never be in this moment again, like making love for the first time, and the last...

this full moon i let go of destination by being destination in every step, in the moment, as it is happening, in this writing, in this skat, in the letting go of that which keeps me from falling - the fear of rejection - by going through the wall - the looking glass - and moving from compassion - as i let go and reach past the mirror to greet you, to try, and fall and try again, and laugh, and play...

count on yogum

yoga. all praise is due for yogum...for this path of yogi, for keeping me anchored in the realm of Nothing...door closed, sweat beads like orbits...peace...

...peace when you call...peace if i never see you again...peace if you cuss at me...peace if you make me laugh...peace if you denigrate my religion...peace if you give me a check...peace if you see me...peace if you don't...

...peace because there is only so much time between sequences, between morning and afternoon/evening practice...that whether you remind me that i could count on you to not count on you as is the case in the modern world...i have ancient mathematics, formulas i become sycamore, bristle-cone pine in...dripping from every pore, every orifice...puddles...shed old to renew, daily...

...peace because i have connection with the One (salat), and prayer (dua)...regardless whether you term it as anathema or connect on it as just rote movement...or you give an academic explanation on how religion is the opium of the masses and sadly people aren't capable of thinking the way you are...i listen and no longer respond no longer engage in your anxiety and depression and sense of misery and isolationism that you'd like me to fall into...leading you to talk more, drink more coffee, get a bagel and a donut and mimosas as you phase into speech, dissertation...i leave you for Connection, for prayer, for surrender to the Source of Peace...from science...spiritual science...

...yoga is fire...when you need upliftment...fire...surya's...vinyasa...can't stop won't stop...

...yoga is water...motion is lotion...subtle movements...find movement in every part of you...in every moment...like water...

...yoga is earth...when you root, move like the building of appalachia, of kilimanjaro...like the yogis of darjeeling in bengal and shimla in punjab...

...yoga is air when you brush strokes, when you are fast and slow and dega, and klimt...

...yoga is life when you breathe from Source, flow through your day, when you are present/mindful, walking tadasana, samasthiti, from your center, hands folded in namaskaram to all, regardless of your sense of happy or sad, respect or violation...peace...when you are fearless, stretch limits, take it further...

...peace

new year intentions 2016

the full moon sat in the summer solstice this year. this year is said to be the hottest on record. this year, flies on the windscreen...this year i completed the academic portion of what i set forth some years back, in pursuing this path as medicine man...

...medicine man is referred to as kabi-razi in the noakhali dialect of bengal, in what is now bangladesh. kabi-razi means poet-king. the medicine man then is a poet of medicine, herbs...

all praise is due...head down and heart up...

...bow down and surrender...no bombs, no weapons, no knives, no guns, no cuss words, no foul language... just prayers for peace, compassion...

...the hope for the hunter
and his tale of saving the world
from the pathological
and the hunted and their rage,
to dissipate
into the language of peace.
is it possible?

...in the name of the Essence, i recall, am reminded, that this journey is a brief set of experiences like a deck of cards, shuffled and distributed for play...

...i've been watching the game, in the bleachers, at times bored, at times excited, rooting

...used to root for the running statues, the idols, the ones i had posters of, and looked at mesmerized...

in magazines, celebrated celebrities and how many women they slept with, how many leather jackets they had, how many cars and homes they owned...

...hypnotized by their floss, their middle finger up to everyone, un-accountable to anyone...ah yes freedom to be perpetually an angsty, alienated adolescent who trashes planet earth, cause who cares...

...lost my fascination with the idols, the lexuses, rolexes, stretch limos... with the rebels whose only cause was fame and expensive shoes and greater capacity to shop and trash our sacred earth...

...i'll pass on you, on looking up to you, on repeating your destructive lyrics and egocentric ways...

...got in the game...getting in the game...playing from the song of solomon and noakhali and santal and berber and tuareg and mapuche, and hopi and mohawk elders...indigenous ways...ancient mathematics that some in the frequency of colmbus-discovery are noticing and so the media is noticing them and so are the academic institutions and jobs, and that's what's hot and whose hot and are the voices of our elders in some warped way, after all we were taught by their parents to think ours were backwards...

so this new year, this return of sun to the house of Essence i was born in, returns me to womb...

what was the purpose then? at birth? in the space of a mother as ancient as star dust, and a father as modern as marx and engels and gandhi and nerhu and tagore...intellectual meets infinity...

to continue these ways of humility, of respect, of love, and loving from more than a moment...unconditional, accountable, and always...

...my purpose is to be always...to let go and let You be the voice box and tongue, the eyes and ears, the skin and feet...walk with me...please...

...the purpose, the intention for this coming sun cycle, is doing less...and in doing less...in being less scattered...letting go...letting loose embarrassment and fear of getting it wrong, and not being good enough, not yet ready...doing from what i know and knowing that i know very little and can learn from what you have to tell me as i try and fall and try and grow...

who are the Guides?

this year, i am isa, the Lover, rumi, the worshipper. this year my medicine flows like rumi...i do less and do more...i am a poet of herbs and food and breath in alignment with the One, the Essence, the Ultimate Truth (ALLAH - the Great Nothingness).

this happens, this letting go happens through the rituals, the work, livelihood, carving the path by doing, setting up circumstance for the doing, and being vulnerable, humble enough to try my best with the understanding that this is as far as i know, and i am only in a process, in a journey, that is infinite, but i would like to offer what i know, and these are the parameters for our exchange...

all praise is due...

my values can all be summed up as the lover rumi in shams...the Lover, isa in the doing, in the humility, in being vulnerable, and seeing what happens...

...videos, books, workshops...family, kids, house, travel, weddings, ceremonies, habituating wealth through exchange of currency...my current to yours...this is how...this is why...

strawberry moon n summer solstice 2016

blessings Self...all praise is due for you...whether you are behind the lines, in between, or in the bullseye, a public enemy for belief, for being in the way...

...our destinies are tied, whether u support trump or bernie or clinton...whether they are the people they say they are or you perceive them to be...our destinies are tied and we need dialogue...more than words...understanding...compassion...

...ALLAH, the Essence, the One-ness, the Infinite is constantly providing signs..."if only you would see," the qur'an exhorts...

...my ears are packed with wax, the plastic kind found in mock hives meant to capture bees into bondage for hobbies, sales, retail...i....often forget...listening to the pied pipers tunes of babylon ecstatic...mesmerized by a moment in sensory stimulation and falling into your scene, seen, science...

...my science, the one i've come to embrace, when i came into this path of Surrendering to the Source of Peace (islam), as an adult, is as old is dust...watches the new world claims of european "discoverers" and "inventors" like a grandfather, hand on his cane, looking over a valley at children stealing chips and samosas from the chai shop...i see you...my arms are open to you...my warmth extends to you...

...you must need love, reassurance, if you need me and everyone else to recognize you for what you believe to be your accomplishments...to be reassured that you invented it, that you were the first, that you conquered mt everest and invented the equation of action reaction as we were told newton accomplished in grade school...

...i believed you...before i looked at the lessons written on the lines of my parents face, which read karma in vedic sanskrit, which read inna illahe wa inna illahe rajun, as clear as the scrolls of hieroglyphics containing the geometrics that aligned pyramids with stars, like cell phones and towers...

...every so often, i forget Truth, and give into this new world of discovery, watching youtube hit sensation personalities who walk around with the camera eye and think maybe this is the way...maybe the new world discoverers, now that they are also yellow, red, and black and brown like me, and ethnicities, now that they speak with dialect and twang and swag, are what it is. i think. for a second. even though i watch the faces of former ancestral dust like lestat in anne rice's the vampire lestat, men and women, adolescents, who were once human, now vampires...yet, they look the same, yet they look like me...

...selfies, me me me, mirrors and stage light. applause.

forgot prayer last night, even after breaking fast, even after a day of aligning in body to the science, in getting weak in this uniform, and strong in You, in One...but then others, then social, society, food, and forgot...the very thing that the fast reminds me is ephemeral suddenly took center stage with the 3rd, 4th, 5th bite...

...and very shortly after, reminded...reminded in the empty in the crowd today, in the letters missing from the mailbox, in the place of a familiar hollow...before, and after the nap...

...a few days ago was a strawberry moon, off in the distance, shining days before, so pregnant that i thought it was full for days, that it was fully on the opposite side of the sun, behind the earth, 28 days after the last time....

...a full moon and the apex of the earth's proximity to the sun. close. so close we could burn...so close we could disintegrate and become...

...moment of pause...moment for intentions...

...this full moon i let go of lofty, of descriptors, and metamorphosize the videos that will help you and me grow in compassion to our bodies and others bodies, and the universal body...this full moon, i let go of repeating the pattern of staying in the shadows of appearances, of what will you and they think if it doesn't come out right, of what if i'm wrong, by allowing myself to share this Love of traditional medicine with the world, doing it because its important and will help, and support, and will be an exchange of currency...this full moon i let go of unilateral exchange...the sun and earth are in a mutual alliance, both engaged in gravitational pull, in work...i can no longer offer what i do for nothing as i have and my father has...we will have to exchange energy that respects both of us...

...in letting go of unilateral, i let go of control, and ask you, require both of us to participate, to have meaningful exchange; this requires me to let go of perfection and do, and see what happens, and learn along the way from interacting with you, Self...

...letting go of safety, of the security of the shadows, of perfection...

...,doing the show,
and seeing clients for nutrition and herbs,
and speaking to you with candid and compassion,
and getting you gifts for eid when its eid,
and cooking for you,
and giving you massage,
and open armed to what ever you have to say, to your critiques, cause i can only grow...
see you on youtube...see you at the mobile herbal, nutrition clinic,
see you at the restaurant i will be chefing at,
and see you at the yoga class i will be teaching...
looking forward to You Self...

ramadhan 2016

lessons.

 the fiend arises. takes the language of addicts as scripture and rewrites essence.

 what is the essence of ramadhan?

 to grow beyond human salvation in salivary glands, to let go of that which holds us in bondage - the senses and the monkey-mind these sensory organs attach to and the mind that attaches to them. the ego, the one that has multi-million senses invested in this.

the senses lie. they speak with saliva dripping out of eyes and nose, and mouth, and ears...lemme hear that song again, the one from the new radio head, the one which reminds me of pain, that spirals me into melancholy...that one...want to feel that again...

...dopamine rushes forth from the mind of the senses every time i listen, but then i gotta deal with the aftermath - spiritual lethargy, desiring ice cream and a new netflix series to binge on,  desiring covers and blankets and warmth cause my stomach is hollow with the flutter of carcass...

...aftermath...

...there is the post-reward...the post-dopamine, just had that gluten free brownie that was just as bad as the wheat one, but the packaging looked like earth, and organic was pasted all over, and...chomp, chomp...

...the senses, lie...

...watch them....watch and take notice...watch them come, watch them go...watch, without acting...watch and notice what else is coming up...

...this is what's been coming up for me - at a gathering yesterday, herbs-people, medicine-folk, made treats with mint leaves and chamomile, and lemon balm, and burdock, and licorice...someone made a chocolate cake with herbs, coconut oil, cacao; another made a pie...the items were fine...but it was the consumption, mine. broke fast with a table-spoon - as if a table spoon would make up for having fasted all day, as if i had to have as large a scoop as possible, even after i'd fasted all day. you would think, all that discipline of the day could be exercised in portion size. in having a small bite and really appreciating and enjoying that morsel...then having another, smelling it this time, and then another, feeling the textures this time...but no...table-spoon, followed by another heap, and all the time thinking of the next, and the pie...

...why? what is it that you are looking to feed? one of my teachers asked me today, when i told her.

...feeding the starvation, feeding the free food gene, feeding the poor kid with mites on his head and dust on his face, inside the castle (snick in), a prince's feast...

...poverty mentality...poor...need to eat as much as possible now before it's too late, cause it's free...and gotta eat fast, faster, so i could go on to the next, cause time is running out on the wheel of fortune....

...the witness has been speaking to me the pauper, the one that forgets Essence, forgets ALLAH is greater than this moment, than this sensation of desire, by gluttony...

...important to pause, to acknowledge the feeling, to avoid shutting it down, or repressing it...let it surface...watch it...question it...explore it...but then breathe and let go...let it go...don't get trapped in it...it's just a moment of a lower self that surfaces because of something unresolved...the whole answer may take a while...so witness, acknowledge, explore, and let go, getting deeper each time...

...what is it that i am seeking to feed? this sense of deprivation, of not, of feeling i can't and so i want to, of seeing myself as marginal, and moving accordingly...

...instead, i smell, touch, take a morsel, a sliver, and taste, swish the lassi in my mouth, like i had all the time in the world, i savor, and hear a voice that watches others indulge in gluttony, and think i need to get mine before it's too late, before there is no more, that i should grab and get away and stuff, and do it knowing that i really shouldn't, but it'll feel so good, tell myself it'll feel so good...and i watch these thoughts, and breathe, and explore the question, what/who is it that i am trying to feed, and why?

...and that's what it is...it is a who, a persona, a character i've constructed and have taken on - poor, brown, other, dirty, foreign, alien, marginal...this character does to get away with...binges, experiences the world vicariously instead of playing in it...

...the Lover plays, flirts with the world, is in it, present and feeling, and crying, and laughing, and nodding, and living and being present, and praying, and Knowing this is brief, and in the meantime, being fearless, and purposeful...walking towards purpose even if he doesn't get there, the meaning is in the journey...the Lover is alive, by fully engaging in life, quivering, going past boundaries that are uncomfortable, reading, turning the lights off, being honest, even if it hurts...transparent...naked...this is who i AM...

full moon: may 2016

bismillah

hiRahman

niRaheem


...the Most Compassionate

...the Most Merciful...

...2 of the 99 attributes that every one in the path of Surrendering to the Source of Peace (=islam), says before every action/intention...

....bombed out of human existence by the double-speakers who call war peace, colonialism democracy, genocide, liberation...we continue to exist in the plants and the sky and the stones...

...so all praise is due for this opportunity to be moon, full and bright and subtle and cloaked by day and space...

...years, decades, pass, grudges forgotten, traumas a head nod, old wounds resins on the trunk of trees...drink from the sap of elders who speak in gold, indian jewlery worn in weddings in which brides hide behind saris and cry, shed a past of childhood into adulthood, at 16, 17...

...these rites of passage skipped me...were refuted by my sense of being a part of the civil world that recognizes traditional peoples as artifacts, backwards, uncouth, at best pieces of fabric to be plucked, sayings to be revised and reinvented...

...i emerged in this manifestation of human from the artifact world, from dawn and dusk - what you see in your moments of Quiet - that's where i come from, just a generation behind, a generation that continues to adorn the hidden suit of diamonds i wear...

...what's popular is fracked gas from the mouths of selfies doing youtubes on nutrition and health and comedy and everything...

...what to do in this frequency is to seek out those who Know....to get past the degrees and popularity and go deeper, much deeper, with those who Know...

...how...last month i stayed put in my walls of safety, within my borders of stories that keep me from ramana, and vedantists, and al hallaj and the prophet muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him and his descendants and antecedents)...

...i am bangla, busthees, slums of dhaka, and tenements in nyc, i am middle class aspirations and suburban sprawl culture, and middle aged anorexic white women, and black judges in baltimore banging a gavel, and the sparrows and pigeons, and the hummingbirds here in portland...so keep your hate talk, keep your bashing and blanket statements on indians and asians and africans and white people and latinos...those your lies to deal with...i don't know any white people, i know people, persons, and they are all different, never met two of the same...you can regurgitate the mythology, get social acceptance points for it...you can hate from your false costume of race or seek to commodify it...i'm good...rather sip some chai with you, have an arugula salad and talk marx and jesus and liberation theology and maulana ali, and destiny...

...it was written...the qur'an states this...

...if u don't believe that it was written, then speak with any scientist that deals with genetics. read some basic science on chromosomes and how you were conceived - 23 pairs of chromosomes from your mother and father - 46 in total - contains your entire genome - every cell that has a nucleus contains this entire genome - the genome are double helix/stranded genes in the alphabet of actg - the nucelotides that are joined with a phosphate to the 5-carbon-sugar-ribose producing the writings in volumes called de-oxyribonucleic acid - dna...

...it was written...your entire being in a six foot strand of DNA packaged inside the nucelus of a single cell...

...all praise is due...

...bowed down at the siting of the moon, my dna recalling the footprints of forefathers, of my grandfather and greatgrandfather who stood in the milkway from the space-ship of earth and sited the moon for prayer, for fasting, for everything...

...all praise is due...last month i wrote an intention that stayed within the confines of the virtual walls it was written in...these writings were not code, not aligned with what was written...so i align the words with the words of the moon this month...

...the moon has spoken...has reminded me that i will be a part of the moon soon, that now, as moon manifest in human form i have to move in the orbit of ancient mathematics, which has always been about doing about working, about being guided by lessons, about being and nothingness in Love, in action, in the doing...

...what that means is that i Am that which i set forth when i entered this path 12 years ago...the completion of which will bring me to the 144000...the completion is now, in the company of the 144k...

...this full moon, ramadhan begins...

...this full moon i am that which I AM - active in being the Lover, the Sustainer...through focus, through getting deep with Air Land Liquid Atmosphere Heat (ALLAH), in all that i do...

...that is, doing herbs ALLAH, doing sessions ALLAH, doing counseling ALLAH, doing massage ALLAH - entire being focused on ALLAH...