...day two of winter solstice... full moon dec. 2018

...sol - sun, stice - stasis - stand still... the winter solstice is said to be between the 21st and 23rd of december... a death of sorts... and a rebirth... i went through a death of sorts... but in the purgatory i am in, i am finding myself repeating what is dis-serving me...

...disservice... what are you repeating? you are what you repeat... that's what i record every day, ever since it became clear to me... clear as a mantra...

...what i am repeating that is growing, fulfilling, sustaining are: praying fajr and maghrib... being present, fully in on what i am doing at the moment... my morning rituals - all of them - folding my bedding, putting it away, using the bathroom, ridding yesterdays junk, dental hygiene, drinking a glass of water with apple cider vinegar... asana practice that releases my joints, and vinyasa, that is driven by breath and fear - asanas that i am afraid of... embracing them through vinyasa... which threads, keeps the heart and body engaged... heated to go deeper... breakfast after - oats works best - a short siesta after... shower, grooming, and dressing after...

...all of this works... and then there is the 3rd hour of practice, and this is usually strong, and involves strength building poses, challenging poses, handstand practice, and floating vinyasa... feels meaningful...

...social interactions feels good.... and journaling feels good... could be more systematic...

...what am i repeating that's not working?... avoidance... the wind down for instance, at night... ends up being from 7:30pm to midnight... 

...what are the things i'm avoiding? life responsibilities - earning a living, having a place, getting married, doing the Work i am here to do...

...how can this change?... let go of avoidance... not just make a purchase, not just be a consumer... avoid repeating patterns...

...the pattern has become a template that i'm a silhouette in... i get an idea, decide i'm going to do whatever it is... make purchases, i.e. herbs, i.e jars, i.e. tea bags... and then drag them around from place to place... been doing this for years now... why? because i keep putting it off till everything is right... what would be right?... a place i feel good about it... where i can have community... feel connected with others... have meaningful relationships... be with someone i am building a family with... so, in the process i do not commit, flee, and then don't think it's the right decision, and come back... get things brewing and then bounce...

...got to commit... got to put in to get out...

...signing a lease will do this... i will sign a lease... signing a contract to a to work would do this... this could be finally starting my ayurvedic business or something else... it could be getting property and building a guest house out of it... something...

...my boy milt says that its not a thing that you want but a feeling... there is a feeling i get when i hold handstand... it feels like i am flying, defying gravity... feels like i am getting Closer...  getting my legs behind my head feels this way...

...doing meaningful bodywork feels like i am being of service, useful, have a purpose...

...this full moon... sign the contracts that will require you to fulfill your duties in making a living, having a place to live, work towards building a family and bring deep joy to your family...

...coming Close...

...audzubillahe minash shaitauner rajeem, bismillah hi Rahman iRahim...

...in the name of that which is Always, without beginning or end... ALLAH is Infinite, and yet i surrender to the job marker, still look to that which is temporary, that which i find is antithetical to Soul, for livelihood... growing a deeper respect for the yogi with the bowl, the sufi in the dervish, the healer with the cure who heals and accepts that which comes or doesn't... Knowing the Work needs to be done...

...when the car spun out of control... when it off the road, spinning, me in it, me without control, me watching my own world in slow motion... what became clear was regret... was that there was a ball of choke in my throat... for failing my duties to mom mom mom, dad, brothers, aunties, uncles, cousins, tribe, friends... those who arrived with need and i turned my back on them by staying hidden, by staying silent, when ALLAH asked me to Work in Quiet... as guru-father has done, as 1-who-Knows has done... as isa had done... as the noor of men, the prophet (s.a.w), has done, as the prophets confucius, gautama buddha, krsna, patanjali, danwantari... have all done... as the messengers proceeding the final covenant have done - bahaha-ullah... harriet tubman, gandhi, che guvera, mother teresa, malcolm x, noam chomsky...

...messengers continue to appear... and remind us of Truth... that which Is... sometimes i tap in through coffee... sometimes through a deep asana practice... sometimes through bhastrika pranayama... sometimes through fasting...  sometimes through laying my forehead to the ground... sometimes through cooking... sometimes through writing... through releasing through this piano i pound on... releasing that which stirs inside...

...inspired... move through inspiration... build inspiration through the tools... move with inspiration... how can inspiration bring me/you livelihood?... how does it facilitate our day to day needs - food, shelter, health?...

...ALLAH = 1ness = trust in the 1ness...

...if what you are doing is that which needs to get done... then Trust... and it will...

...as i begin to repeat the mantra of that which I AM... a Lover... to Love, give, take risks, be vulnerable, walking my mantra, playing, playful, Connecting and building ummah, through my Work... through giving my all, my best... because it is needed... i've learned that i need to ask...

...as our earth rapidly comes to a completion of its revolution around the sun, shifting from the dakshinaya (southern solstice), to uttaranya (northern solstice)... and my body begins to reflect on its movement through time and space this past year... without much thought... i noticed gerbil like laboratory patterns - running in a ferris wheel of hope, giving up and looking for a job, not hearing back, shrugging it off, deciding i'll just stay focused on my work, feeling overwhelmed without putting in the kind of effort i need to... combing job sites, putting out resumes, not hearing back... repeat... the cycle continues...

...and yet, all this i've ever looked up to have created their path, have carved it out through staying determined in their talent, in their inspiration, in the material they put forth... in their sharing... the prophet, gandhi, che, malcolm, nas, the cranberries, johnny depp... my pops... my moms...

...so... i will... be clear... without fear in the asking and the doing... work towards... 1000%... take risks... and let all else unfold -  i need money to do this work, because it is important... and will help you... and me... and our world... to Connect...

Full Moon October 2018

...almost wrote 2016... and when i went to record that... almost wrote 2015... lose track sometimes... years slip like water in cayuga lake,... like it feels and forget i was ever holding it... and where you ever really here?... you... i mean you...

...all praise is due for those who practice discipline, who move with ethics... as the world suffers from people whose hearts have grown cold... who oeprate from desire, from nihilism, from taste buds, from strictly senses... from fame, rep, appearances...

...and we... and me... i get glimpses... like today... when i was impatient with my dad... one of my greatest mentor in this life... a humble, beautiful writer, activist, journalist, self-less in his pursuits, and deeply committed to family and responsibility and civic duty... wow... that's my dad... and i can't believe that i would've ever wanted him to be cool... to be disengaged, to move with his pelvis and not his heart... like so many of us men...

...this past month i intended to pay mind to repetition, as i was repeating things i didn't know i was, and not repeating things i wondered about... about why they weren't happening... and my word was you are what you repeat... so what are you repeating?...

...repetitions that felt good was asana practice, siesta, journaling, reading, cooking... and i realized that within repetition there was repetition... deeper nuances... for instance... there were times during my yoga practice felt blah... when i didn't feel full.... didn't feel Higher... and in these practices, i noticed i wasn't putting my all into it... that i was just going through time... same with cooking - instead of just making oats, going through a relationship with the oats, of how i was preparing it... of what to try to go deeper, to build on it... like asana sequence in ashtanga... perhaps the oatmeal cookie comes after the oatmeal, and the oatmeal cake after that, and...

...i was able to apply this to asana... with the question of what are you afraid of and what am i repeating...?...

...noticed that i was repeating trying to do many different things at once... and when i multi-tasked, i felt compromised, didn't go deep with anything... kind of like trying to carry 30 bags of groceries cause i want it all... so... i was repeating multi-tasking... like being in an asana, and trying to type... and i realized that i would rather just do that one thing... thus applying do one thing at a time... and single-minded focus... and repeating this will habituate it...

...so i was combining do one thing... go deeper with what are you afraid of... and single minded focus = success, with repetition... and this led to depth in the things i was doing... including eating... just eating, and not writing, or being on a screen in the process...

...i noticed that i was saying how i don't want to be on a screen too late, and yet would get on my laptop after dinner still... so i noticed i was repeating things that were harming my circadian rhythm...

...i noticed i was getting up late and sleeping real late... when i want to wake early...

...so this leads to now... this month... what is not serving me is misaligned values with actions/practices...

...that is... if i believe in my self... and what i have to offer... not because it is about me, but because i've spent much of my life doing things and not sharing it with anyone... writing novels... studying herbs and bodywork, and nutrition... and deep yoga practice... and journaling daily... and not sharing this... and not doing so because of perfectionism... and thinking i would do it at some future time... and avoiding it, because it isn't just right... or that i don't know business... or thinking in terms of business and not the fact that i have been helped by these things... and you can be too... and its worth putting it out there to support you and me in being better and having a conversation through it... instead of not doing anything at all...

...so letting go of this... by building on repetition... and feeding the wolf i want to grow... and doing this by coming up with just a few mantras that allow me to manifest truth... that i repeat not just in words but embody... like 99% practice...

...so instead of repeating i am not good at business... and by way of letting go of no one will want this... or that i need this first... i will do because it needs doing... and i spent a lifetime acquiring... and now it's time for me to share...

...i help you to Love yourSelf so you can offer your Love to the world... 

...Lif is a Gift...

full moon sept 2018

...in the name of ALLAH... the Most Compassionate... the Most Merciful...

...have mercy...

...this full moon... alone... i am situated well in ritual... un-jarred by the absences and nostalgia of those who i was with last month, 2 months ago, last year, etc.... thanks to the teachings of the gurus, of the prophet, of the Way...

...ancient math keeps me steeped in You... close to 24 hours in a fast that will conclude tomorrow morning to complete the 36 hours that spans 3 days... the day before to the morning after...

...what i learned this month...?...

...28 days ago i was in ithaca, ny... i was living in a room in a house that held its own beauty in some ways... it was bit of a challenge to access people... and the people i lived with were post-cooperative... so human interaction was limited...

...someone next to me just cursed... the f word... it's common say... heard an interview w junot diaz earlier... he said it... reminded me of a talk i went to with him, in which he repeatedly used the word and a kid in the audience asked him why he cursed so much... he said it was an expression... i wonder if people are forgiven for their low frequencies when it's rationalized through sociology... through anthropology... it's still low frequency...

...being a vegan makes you more sensitive...

...got cursed out the other day... on friday eve, when d, steve, and t walked around, decided to crash a wedding... they didn't... i had to use the bathroom so i did... walked in... leaked... men in suits waited for me outside the bathroom... took me into the kitchen... dude cursed me out... threw me out... threatened to give me over to the d.t.'s...

...cuss words are common say... hold a frequency...

...cold today... so i could only imagine ithaca right now... last year... was there this time last year... breaking up... after porchfest... a few days after... consumed...

...alone at the moment... being choosy about choice, a ted talk said... i am alone in the way of not reaching for carrot sticks... not any old carrot sticks...

...back to last month... 28 days since the last full moon... for the last one i was w/yessi... we celebrated the moon with a dinner at the taughonok inn... a beautiful place... even if the food is just decent... atleast the vegan options were...

...what i realized about being in ithaca is that my outlets were thin... meaning... unless i had a car i was restricted to the town... and unless i had kids or a wife or both... i was restricted to navigating solo... and the community options were less... and that if i wanted to grow deeper in an area of interest like ashtanga and writing and bahagavad gita... i would have to work alone or initiate it... that there were less teachers of deep stature in these areas...

...upon returning to the city, i have been able to plug in to some height... the ashtanga classes i've taken here have already required me to step my game up and work through challenging poses in the primary... while still working on intermediate... the bhakti classes have placed me in a space of yogic community... which i have been seeking... more than just asana... the writers meetup has required me to work on my writing in a more serious way... and i know i haven't tapped into height here... but will... and these spaces have also led me to be in the space of community interaction...

...in regards to my intention from last month - to let go of control - i realized that control isn't always a bad thing... it is if u r being manipulative... and asking at evey juncture - what am i trying to control? - has led me to following this with how can i Be Self instead?... that is... if i am trying to control my posture, or breath, or time by reading and writing, etc... than how i can be tadasana, or prana, or jana-yogi instead?... that is Be it...

...i also learned that when you are working with too many tools, you are in danger of dropping all... and accomplishing nothing... thus, keeping it simple... like the years intention - what am i afraid of? and walking into it... is enough... perhaps coupled with one other thing...

...having these reminders be lived is essential... and a tool to ensure this is ti ritualize it... ask yourself at every juncture: how am i being single-minded in focus? what am i afraid of? what am i trying to control?...

...so what i learned is less is more...

...i also noticed that i was giving up some key rituals, like culinary arts... and i mean, i prep meals almost daily, but there's a difference between prepping meals and going in... and i miss this... art of this was that the yoga classes were taking up a good deal of time...

...i realized that as much opportunities there was to be in a space with others and learn together... it is real important for me to only work on and towards that which is in my Purpose and not deviate...

...so stay single-minded in focus...

...i also made close to no money this month, but spend a lot... and i did this partially out of belief that this job i'm waiting on will work out... but i also could've worked towards what i'd started in ithaca... building a client base... taking risks to do this... by having a 2-3 day operation...

...i also made close to no strides in the kit i decided to put everything into last winter solstice... and yet no progress... why?... i've been putting things off... until they could be right... and then today... i saw an ad from a friend of mine who has a beautiful herbal line and packaging... and is also a vegan... and also works several gigs and travels... and knew that it was just me half-stepping...

...so what will get me to change this month...based on last month... habituate the good and take out the bad... towards the end of accomplishing Purpose in clients, in kit... i.e. merging culinary with doing it in service... for others... so... doing it for others... taking risks... putting myself out there... i see... so this is it... habituate or vinyasa that which will actualize goals for you... i.e. make medicine daily... design journals daily... work on short stories daily... but then have this be part of a publishing... a public celebration... a public component... submit works, demo works, vend works, share herbal knowledge, etc... of holding office space for the public...

the habits that get weeded are sleeping late, being on the screen too long and too late, or too early... or just because... replacing defaulting with good - prepping foods and carrying with me so i don't have to add to more packaging and trashing of Mama... of carrying a book to read with me in addition to the journal i carry to write in... of carry a plate in addition the mug and utensils i carry... of sleeping early and waking early... 

...you attract what you believe...

...no half stepping... if you are in a space of second guess - that's the result you will get...

...have to leave comfort to do this... it's desire to stay in a space of what's familiar, what's comfortable, of putting off until everything is perfect and nothing will ever be that... and by the time you get to where you believe is perfect... the whole world has changed and what you have accomplished is no longer relevant...

...the world needs you and your talents and your offerings now... not tomorrow...

...this requires risks... this requires doing it... and working until you hit a wall... and then embracing that next step... and continuing till the next obstacle...

...how?... go with what you believe... with what you genuinely see as missing... if you see a hole with herbal toothpastes, as the brand, tom's did... then put out toothpaste that aligns with your values... if you feel people can benefit from journaling... then put out a journal with journal prompts... and support people in doing this... if you there is a lack of people caring for themselves... then ask what will help you and others care for themselves right now?... go with what you Know... and then move from there... and once you put it out... you will get the feedback you need...

...this could be about anything in any area... could be trying to find a spouse... and that dating apps don't offer meaningful opportunities for people of Soul to Connect... then what will?... could be that you are going the conventional route, instead of places you can have meaningful, spirit-based gatherings ... where you co-create...

...how will you do this?... start with one thing in each area of your life - Love life, food life, social life, money-life, art life...

...i.e. Love life - attend spirit based creative gatherings // food life // eat last meal by 7:30pm, sleep by 10pm // social life - construct meaningful dates with people in your life... so instead of doting, you are collaboratively working towards purpose... // money-life... what is your offering? what is the issue you see?... what's one thing you can do immediately that can benefit others? // what risk do you need to take to put your work out there... what's one piece of your art that you can put out today?...

...do it now... as it is not about you... but You...

...Be come Your goals...

...september... 2018... september marks new beginnings... for those of us permanently scarred by school... by the beginning of a school year... by the anxiety this would create... there were those who loved it... there are those that love it...

...new generations... old generations... and somehow we occupy space together... how?... just a few years ago you were complaining about your teachers and parents and adults and now you have entered into adulthood... entered into being seen as old by high schoolers... even past college... even past the age of proximity to youth... and you are conflicted between worlds...

...and that's just it... the fact that this is not it... that this is a realm is clarified through the occupation of multiple generations within the same time and space... you who are 7 and starting second grade are in the same earth as you who are 16 and starting junior year in high school, and you who are in your last year in college is in the same space as someone who is leaving there first significant job out of college... and you who are getting married for the first time at 29 are in the same planet as someone who is getting divorced after 21 years of marriage...

...and there are walls... parallel universes... generations consumed in their generation and traveling like a belt of asteroids past another generation... each of us consumed... each of us under a spell... atleast this is the case through college... and then it may last for a little while after... as you maintain relations with those you went to school with... and life happens... jobs, new people, more effort to maintain relations with friends from the past...

...life...

...back in nyc... have said that a dozen times in just the past few years...

...back and immersed in ashtanga... and goals are good a ted talker said... but it's important to focus on the habits that will get you there... a translation of the ancient math which says the journey of a 1000 steps begins with one step... and that the destination is in the journey...

...yogi code... yogi life means being fearless... early to bed early to rise... deep in practices - asanas, pranayamas, dharna, dhyna, kriyas, prayer, veganism..

...it is good to pray alone... better to pray in community... fast alone... but break fast in community...

...the wisdom of the lived example of the guru and Noor... muhammad (s.a.w)...

...this month's intention is to let go of control... and i'm understanding that not all control is bad... manipulation is... but controlling posture, food intake, etc., could be a good thing... and what i'm learning is to Be it... to Be that which you are seeking to control towards goodness... that is, if you are trying to control your posture... instead be tadasana... if you are trying to limit your eating... to prevent overeating... then be yogi...

...models... having an image of that which you wish to be helps... if you want to be someone who eats light, feels light, is humble, is compassionate, is fearless, is Purposeful, then consider someone who fits this image... who embodies this... for me... the persons who come to mind when i think of a true Lover: compassionate, fearless, urgent, patient, a worker, diligent, Loving, an artist, inspiring, in wonderment... is jesus and the prophet muhammad... they lived their Truth...

...my model for ashtanga and yogi are others who are doing it... who show up to the shala everyday... who are disciplined in their practice... who give it their all...

...as tiring as it is... it also feels good to become part of this community... if be proximity... and be inspired by their practice...

...i'd like to find this in veganism, traditional medicine... and in the path of Surrender...

...so build the habits to Be... then... in this space...

...love or dopamine?...

...and even though the moment past me by... even though... i stared... dreaming that it ended up different... that we're still together... that we are in a museum... at the met... after hours... for a special event in the egyptian wing... the way they would have parties for staff during christmas... the way they'd let us come in on mondays when the museum was closed...

...songs we loved played through the speakers of the galleries... like a soundtrack for a movie... like our moment was always on the brink of collapse and asencsion... a fear and trembling... and there was lift off... there were butterflies coming out of the paintings...

..we floated through the wings... through saturday and sunday... you coming over... staying for wine and breakfast... at the vegan diner in the town of homer... 2 hours away... cause i had a craving for tofu scramble and you knew of a place and had your car... whipping wind through the i-87... laughing the whole way... pulling over at the rest stop to get coffee... to stretch... the interlace... exchange d n a... exchange stars and cosmos...

...hearts beat hard over breakfast... the conversation of diners dissolved into the stuff of settings that Lovers walked obliviously through... we stared... deep... pauses...

...hopeless... i have always been hopelessly in Love... and when i think about it... when i really truthfully think about it... it was Always You...

...it was Always You i wanted to experience... and what is it about being Love with another that kindles that sense?... or is it a sensory organ?... this feeling of being in Love... of wanting someone... of anticipating them... of sharing in the lift-off?... is it a sensory organ all to itself...? ... like an ear or eyes or tongue or nose or skin... is there a sensory organ for falling in love?...

...what is that feeling?...

...when attempting to understand addiction... i learned about the reward pathway... about dopamine and serotonin... and neurotransmitters that activated these when certain behaviors were played out... but it wasn't just restricted to consuming the rewards, like black-forest cake... but the process of obtaining it...

...there is the anticipation phase... the giving into a desire to have a smoke... by seeking it out... by asking around... by making a trek to the weed spot... this portion sets off excitability... cultivates deep motivation... as the reward gets closer...

...and finally... the hit... the smoke... lasts 2 minutes... after a few hours of working for it - getting dressed, make calls, shooting texts, getting on the subway, getting to the spot, forgetting that you have no cash left, going to the nearest atm... scoring... getting the other ingredients - the cigar... emptying it out... going to the park... noticing others doing the same... getting into convo with them... after all... you are the company you keep... and you are what you eat... and if you eat bacon... you will meet and hang with others that do... as they will be in the bacon aisle or bacon stall at the farmers market... and you will attend the bacon donuts party... and you will soon be in a community of bacon-lovers... and then... finally... you take the hit... and you get high... but not as high as last time... and definitely not the high you used to get years back when you first started... so you smoke more... putting the entire contents of the 8th in... $50... up in smoke... and you hop on the train... high and giddy for a second... but then someone walks in without limbs and crawling on the ground with a pan... shaking change... and you get sad... and you notice the couple that gives them a dollar... and you think of your ex... how it didn't work out... how much you loved her... how it hurt... and how your man would get in the way of you... and maybe he just wanted to holler... and he probably did... and f him and her... and f these bitches out there... and...

...love may be part of the reward pathway... dopamine... the sense of reward may be affection you receive... touch... sex... the feel goodness... and what's wrong with that? you may ask... nothing if it's not a drug... noting wrong with weed if you are using it ceremonially... but on a daily... it's a drug... you still gotta deal with your reality... whatever it is.. and no one else can take that way...

...set up your formula for love... in the Work you do... and let this carry you through... as Work is worship (the prophet)...

...being of service to others through cooking... through farm fresh foods... through farm to table culinary dishes... through farm to table that is vegan... that is plant based... minimally processed... that is made with Love... you will then attract a community of others that are also vegan, farm to table based, chefs that are aligned with craft and humility, that abide with Spirit... and High Frequency... and sharing this with others will infect them with a similar desire to get lifted with High Frequency foods...

...being of service to others through yoga... through ashtanga... through the 8-fold path... through practicing it by yourself... through practicing it in community... through attending classes... teaching... sharing the art... hosting yogic gatherings around the full moon... around yogic foods... the reward you may seek is to get Higher... so you do more... so this time, in addition to lift off, you get into a handstand... this time both legs go behind your head... you have conversations with others who are working through these poses... you attend ashtanga gatherings... teach asthanga classes... provide therapy through yoga...

...the path you walk will attract others on it... so walk High... instead of seeking a hit... instead of seeking this from others... no one else give it to you... only You can...

...9.3.18.... take 5...

....in the midst of a tidal of heat at the end of a summer in the end of the world when martyrs with cardboard signs walk through subways with the message of jesus is coming soon.. and the deniers of climate change agree... this is the end of the world as we know it... i sang r.e.m... my eyes in rapid trepidation...and my skin sinking with her dreams... only to recall that it was too much... all of it... and that even in this last hour the best of things to do would be to spend time with those who brought peace... who showed up... who Loved so deep that i cried for others... that background music may actually be the surface that paves the ground before you... and what you are chasing is only possible because of those holding this space...

...i stopped chasing after rejectors.... after those who kept their doors closed... who told me to come over and forgot because they told ten others to come over... and i stood outside under pouring heat... scorched by a falling sun... and turning charcoal into cooly-dom... replicating the dna of my outcaste forefathers so abject in their beauty that they couldn't eat off the same plate as everyone else in the caste culture... until the advent of islam and the egalitarian concepts embedded in it...

...i left the shut doors shut... decided not to knock... but not before scrawling i Love You... peace be unto You... Always... and without a trace left confounding negligent Lovers who spoke of a man they once knew... described me to strangers on sidewalks in astoria... sat in the waiting room of the police dude in charge of sketch art... she posted my picture all over queens brooklyn and manhattan... if you see this man please call me immediately... my heart is on the brink of shatter and can only breathe again once he is resurfaced in the physical... 

...morning take 5... 9.2.18 ...

...ran through dreams to get here and never knew that it was not the space of Love i was looking for until i felt the hollow that my brother donated to the hospital on 68th and 1st ave... years back when he rejected the cancer that took over his lungs and spilled into the bucket next to our bed that we shared for 23 years...

...i knew about a girl who made whispers out of magic and gave them to you at the dawn of breath interlacing into legs panting... i tried to employ merlins spells with past lovers and found that true love is only in You... oh my...

...oh my is an expression i've been abbreviating from oh my god... transitioning into oh my goodness... and finding no rhyme or reason for either other than filler-isms...i found some significance in the truncated form and wondering if i should use my clippers to mow down the excess on my head and face and wondering what the appearance will gain me access to  - jobs?... obseessed with employment i wrote journals into a living documents of intentions that i took into space with a blow of my fingers, like each of these tap dancing pairs - pinkies, thumbs, ring...etc...  had a mouth that blew into each stroke on the keyboard soon as a word and phrase completed for completion into a truth and the only truth is that yesterday is gone and this morning is gone and i am writing.... and seeking to only spin me into longer days and nights with You...


...control...yesterday?... to control my life i grabbed it by the horns... and tossed it left and right until i grew so tired that i slept on top of the bull and let it roll me into the oblivio of cyberspace...

...incarcerated in a screen... i wrote to yoga clubs and scavenged for teachers of the written and moving word...

...the babel is a language of interference...

... returned... back... another end... another beginning... another not knowing... but Knowing...

...after the first series of starts and ends... you begin to notice a pattern... the anti-climactic-ness of these momentous occurrences - birthdays, graduations, sweet 16, turning 18, 21... 30 is a big one... finishing college... starting a yoga certification... completing it... going back to school for studying something different... meeting new folks... falling in love... a new relationship... the end of it... heartbreak... moping... moving on... someone else... at a dinner... dates... newness... this one is different... this is the real deal... never felt this way before... amazing chemistry... butterflies wear off... more irked than excited... desire diminishes... another end... another beginning... a new town... a new state... a new country... the end never ends.. the beginning ends as soon as it begins... moments...

...moments in this space ship...

...today... if the question were posed... how did you spend you day? how did you cherish this Gift?... what would you say?... how would you account for your time?...

...for me... today was a day of transition... after a day of driving... after a day of my back feeling the strain of 5 hours south and east...

...today... i wanted to map out the next stage... this next stage...

...what was accomplished in ithaca was knowing... being clear of this offering... of how it could help... and being back reminds me of how there is a lot of competition to differentiate your offering from others... and there are a million consumer products... for people like me.. these are in the form of intangibles... classes/education... an experience...

...the experience i want is to Connect... to Work... to gain Knowledge... to offer... to be of Service... to do the Work that is essential... as time is passing... as we Are passing... as generations are leaving this shell... as people find themselves in a flutter...

...those that appear to be doing what i do... what i Connect with are business outfits... are celebrity figures... are giants because the made a name for themselves... are a hodgepodge and not a discipline...

...hours of looking into these programs schedules and outfits... and i feel sleazed... more confused than before... back in the mode of consumer... avoiding what i have to do... what i already have before me for focusing on what i don't have...

...doing it different would be getting this offering out... with single-minded focus... and embracing every hurdle as a new opportunity... and investing accordingly...

...the hurdle in ashtanga - press ups... tic tocs... deep balances... kapotasana... leg behind my head... who offers this?...

...the hurdle in the Work is not having a team...

...be clear about the Work and then the team will happen... do what you can with what you have.. making medicine... getting the journals out... breathing... publishing...

...a friend once said if you want to meet someone then you have to place yourself in front of them...

...this could be applied to anything you want to get deeper with... be in a space of osmosis... you are the community you keep... place yourself amidst smokers and druggies and you will be a druggie... place yourself among giants and you will mimik them... take on their qualities... 

...so... what does this next stage hold?... to do the Work without expectation of anything... knowing the money... the job will be taken care of... doing the Work because it needs doing...

...the Work is not a name... not a title... not about establishing myself so i can be part of a circuit of speakers... these goals keep me in the babel... these intentions are driven by greed... by survival ideals... ALLAH is Infinite... ALLAH is Always...

...this is a passing... in this passing... what i have to offer is what can help us Connect deeper... beyond consumerism... beyond buying community... beyond just self-help... but towards getting away from shopping... Connecting deeper with each other... with members of family... with people you may already know... with yourSelf... through the path of yogi...

...you don't need to buy a thing... if i got a million dollars for doing the Work... i would... 

...Be-coming...

...i'll be coming down this mountain... into... back into... race... running... season... this is a season of life... to everything...

...i see this here... in her... in here... the passing phases of generations... of students and people and the love they share... the flirtation... the drinks... the generations after... the ones with some work... the ones who lingered... the generations before.. the ones who mark names from themselves with blatant movements to draw eyes and ears...  the generations after these... the ones who navigate being part of something... of figuring out how... of not getting it... of children that grow into adolescence...

...and as i return... as i re-enter this phase of Being... i no longer scratch my head and search a million job sites and sublets... because there is work to do... and i am here to do it... i am here to share the Gift that needs sharing...

...all praise is due... doing... doing the Work because it needs doing... and i will Be provided for because i know what it is that needs to be done...

...what i am afraid of is that i will forget... that i won't see the point in my offering... will think it is meaningless... will think priority... of things i have to do before... of putting it off... i will think i am not qualified... i will feel overwhelmed by trying to do it alone... i am afraid that i won't do it...

...how do i walk into the fear... by being clear that what i am doing is not about me... is about the Work... that the Work needs to be done... that it is important... that i let go of the fear of money and legitimacy and perfection by asking... by inviting... by doing it... as it needs doing...

...after i got back... i had a steady gig... i got the self-Love kit done and out there... i made the medicines and collaborated with artists on it... i met with you... i got the money to do it... it was a detox.. a reset... an elevation... it was the caterpillar, the chrysallis, and the butterfly... it was metamorphosis... i was interested in metamorphosis... and instead of being an entrepreneur, trying to figure out the business of things... i did... i Created... because it needed doing...

...single-minded focus got me there... and instead of trying to control it... instead of trying to get you to buy it... instead of trying to sell an idea... i asked ALLAH what is it that you want me to do with this past... with this path of yogi, writer, medicine man... and i've received the message that i Am supposed to share it with You to building yuj with each other... with yourSelf... with the earth... with Life... with the Here-After...

...this journal... and these medicines will keep you out of the hospital... will restore you... will support your ascension...

...i begin with what i have already... and then invite you to be part of a team...

...the Work is Surrender in the Infinite... this is Maya... and if you were to die and come back to this moment... how would you engage with it? what would you do differently?...

...i would make sure You Knew You Are Beautiful...

...i would laugh... bend boundaries... shape... inspired by the Knowing... the shift in weather... steamy to cool... fall crisp...

...floating on...

...again in a day... and change... like last time... not like last time... this time without her... this time without... this time no hangars... no heart on the cliff... no rush... no running down a dream... no bangladesh and then india in a few days... no no no's...

...we floated on... as did her mom when she was past crawl... as did eric firuz peter frankie jahan-gil day rani boro apa ... float on... float on's... rest in peaces to the spirits they left...

...and then there is the float of us... each of us passing through each other... permanently changing one another... some having epic impacts... some that i hold with me... not because i think about them but because they appear... because they come to me... because they speak... and i speak back... quietly...

...sometimes it's them you are speaking to when you think you are speaking to me... it is them... these spirits when you may see a uniform of a sinewy cinnamon man with silky curls squiggly legs exposed through patched up knee-length jean shorts... it's them... nana - a tallish pear shaped green eyed poet from shaolin whose quiet astrology i wear in observing human behavior... rekha... an indian goddess from queens, ebony and ruddy cheeked, hazel body like a magazine model, who hugged stairwells with me as we dreamt...  ro... her thick eyebrows coming together in sudden meditations i wear on the subway...

... people... many of them... i wear... i am... i speak in their tongues... with their voice... in my breath... queen nodding and blowing steam... the world at every interval needing to be blown out... followed by a nod... and we did this till neither of us knew who did it first... who was imitating who in what or whether we were always doing this and the reason our exchanges were lucid, interlaced, sprawling through small town america...

...float on... i float on and watch generations... like a spirit in his last days... noticing bodies outside of bodies... and the grave tethered like a balloon to my jean pockets... to stay humble... light... purposeful...

...float into Self... as i leave without expectation or strings...

...let go of control through shifting audience...

...control is a tricky thing... is necessary and good in some ways... confusing in other...

...depending audience... who is the audience you are controlling for?...

...this month's intention is to let go of control... but the question i've been asking myself to facilitate this has been drawing confusion...

...what am i trying to control?... i asked myself as i walked up state st... my shoulders slightly drawn back and down, my chest broad, heart open... walking like a puma in the wild, traversing hundreds of miles a day...

...the answer is: my posture so i can be in tadasana, in King-asana, the flight of a warrior-King... my breath so it can be in prana-yama... in life extension... is that a bad thing?...

...i was faced with this when i was cheffing up cauliflower recently... asked myself this question... what am i trying to control?... the answer: the melting point of the cauliflower, so it melded equally with the potatoes... so that it was an even blend... is that a bad thing?...

...i found myself asking this again when the clouds of rigamarole, of:  "life is but a poor player that struts frets his hour upon the stage and is heard no more" (-macbeth, shakespeare) ... settled in an hour before dusk, and i countered this through the ancient breath of fire... bhastrika pranayama...

...in doing so... i prevented a mind to spiral in existential crises.... in netszhe and kurt cobain... in heidegger and robin williams... is that a bad thing? should i have stopped the control?... afterall the follow up question is: how do i let go of control?...

...the answer to how to let go of control has been more enlightening... its been leading me to believe that control requires being something you are not... adjusting to a mold... whereas letting go of control could lead to abysmal bottoms... or if drawn from the lineage of the guru muhammad... of prophet isa... of krshna... it could mean letting go of control to Be...

...Be-ing is the Purpose in this purpose... in asana... it is being the eagle, being the downward and upward dog... being the scorpion... being King in headstand... it is defying limits in floating and leg behind head and handstand/pressup/split vinyasas... in being warrior and transforming into deeo balance vinyasas like warrior 3 into bow, into half moon...

...so... control is a necessary step to Be-coming... as we humans are out of synch with our Nature... with our Self...

...as i Am Be-ing... in this quick moment... that will pass... i let go of trying to control from a place of wrong intention...

...the question that may better serve control is what are you trying to control for the sake of audience right now?... and that would be more accurate... is resolving through: how can you let go...

...if at a moment when i link up with you, i ask myself what am i trying to control... and the answer is: the way you see me... how? through these shades and hat i wear... why? because i don't want you to see my frazzled thinning hair and want you to see my shades, and the cool hat i have on... why? ... because i want you to accept me... to more than accept me... whoa... i want you to respect, recognize, idolize me... set me apart from others... idolize me... why?... to be on top of the game... to be winning... why? ... i don't know... i guess so i can be better than... because i believe i am less than... because i believe this is it... because i believe your acceptance of me is crucial and your rejection confirming of something wrong with me... why?... because i believe this is real... why? ... because it seems to be the only thing i know... and because of housing... and social capital... and jobs... and touch... and lovers... and friends... do you want to be Connecting with people who connect with you on a falsehood?... no... no... i want for anyone who connects with me to Connect with that which is Real... how do you let go of this control then?... by Be-ing... by Be-ing that which i Am... not this body... not this mind... but Always... and Never... how do you become this... through fearlessness... through being vulnerable... being transparent with these human emotions... through listening to You... through being Quiet... through Breath... through sharing the Gifts i have attained... through the Laws... through focus... through livelihood that grows Us - earth, you, species, air, water, space... how... through Being Your Work...

... what are you trying to control in how you look to your audience? how do you shift your audience to You?... 

...full moon august 2018... let go of control and Be Your Purpose...

...all praise is due...

...another month is this manifestation and i have nothing to prove to you ... this is me... this is as i Am... and if you look close... Real close... you will see yourSelf...

...and i will see You...

...all these things become real... all these things meaning attempting to control what you will see in me... how you will see me... your approval disapproval... and in turn... me trying to control you... how you should be... how i (lower self) wants you to be... because what i really want is stability... grounding... earth... but i don't want you to know that because if i do... i may be perceived as weak... fragile... needy... lacking... and as a result i go deep in self... in hermitage... in these practices... getting only so close...

...control... want to control what these blends will be... as perfectionism is premised on control... is premised on wanting to get it just right... perfect... and nothing can happen before this... love the idea of being messy...

...yesterday, j and i got messy... j and i foraged for chantarelles... it was beautiful... going through the forest... looking for oaks, finding the mushrooms in patches among the oaks... in damp areas... many with slugs on them... some bitten into... and then plucking and shaking the mushrooms out - to release spores... tearing and spreading some.. to hope they will re-vegetate...

...then we found others... button mushrooms... others j mentioned... and we talked about how they look and how they are different... and what was distinct about this foraging is that it wasn't involving every herb in the forest... it was specific... we had a mission - to forage for chantarelle's... and we stuck to it... and it was finite - 35min... max... and we then were on our way ... and today... for the full moon... for the concluding of the 36 hour fast... i made four versions of this magic... and they were great... felt great...

...if i were to try to control it... i would've said no... would've said lets just focus on the chanterlles... would've just stuck to a recipe... instead of experimenting and being beautifully surprised...

...the chantarelles were/are beautiful... and a beautiful example of how i can let go of control and go deeper...

...control places pressure on situations that is against life... is antithetical... is shelved always for tomorrow...

...this past month... in reflection ... since the last full moon... i moved from my july sublet, up the block to my august room... left my phone behind on the day of the full moon in a friend's car... and through her kindness and focus... retrieved within a couple of days... lost my phone again a couple days later... and through the conscience of the guy who found it, retrieved it the day after... 2 incidents of losing my phone... and two of my roommates also lost their phones and recovered them...

...i had some meaningful conversations with elder g... he is a youth in heart... inquisitive... Knowledgable... humble... told me about shock therapy... about receiving it after being driven into a mental hospital for a couple days... and how it led him into a dream state... into a deep reconciliation with his father... a forgiving... a moment of clarity that liberated him... made me think of how important pain is... how we need edges... need to embrace edges to transform... and when we are lazy... when give into our lower selves... we inhibit this potential ...

...this past month - let go of her - exorcised her through exercise - in the spot we decried as our spot - sweat so much i became a puddle...

...this past month... j's wedding - ceremony - connected deeper with him... layers happened... met and got requested to make medicine... guide a medicine man from the seneca nation and one from the lakota nation...

...layered with emperor... quick mornings with him here and there... excursions with him... quick... shabbats - meaningful shabbats - Connecting through prayer... ritual... food... cooking... creating... conversation... through being in movement - in witnessing his gifts and embracing them...

...this past month i gave more of myself to affirming others...

...this past month... i tabled at an event... without the medicine kits i said i would have ready... because i wanted to get it just right... becasue i wanted a certain artwork... a certain packaging... a perfect perception... and so i didn't get it out there... and this month... through a writing exercise/share with poeta... i learned of the importance of separating work from self... and instead do it for the sake of Self... because it has to be done... because it is essential that others receive it... instead of  - this would be hot - others would think this is cool - no one else is doing this - and the line of thinking that births scheming...

... the Work... is always in dialogue... even if yu started to do it alone... becasue it is always in service to the One... and the ne will connect with you... give you the feedback you know... the Work is about You... in all Your forms... not about getting your name out there... and proving a point...

...proving a point is about control... about trying to control others... if you Are truly in Yoga... then it's a sharing to Connect... to Connect with You... and the perfectionism is dropped... the attachment to ego... the what i want you to see is dropped... and instead the reaching is High... Real High...

...ways i dropped control this month was when i reached out to loves in my life and put my cards on the table... instead of trying to get it just right... instead of thinking of what will look right or not... and Being Right... from a place of Love...

... i let go of control when i showed up at the event and tabled... and got a sense of what people need in their life - to smell good, to feel good - because they want you to recognize them... so i learned the importance of supporting people through what i make to Connect with others through Connecting with themSelf... by Connecting with earth Life that replenishes skin... Heightens a sense of sensuality...

...but what i didn't do was take risks... didn't just go ahead and get bags and support someone to come up with artwork... and support someone to do logistical work... make medicines... and tried to do it all alone again... instead of delegating... and learning to delegate...

...control kept me from sharing the Work... from giving you Yoga... from speaking out agains harms that are being doing to our earth... to people of earth and soul... to those stripped of power and under the mercy of those with guns bombs greed...

... this month i only inched in head behind my head... have made only inches in press to handstand and handstand... have made inches in kapotasana... i stayed in the territory of safety... i stayed in the space of ego... instead of taking classes that would work towards each of these... instead of letting go and walking into fear in each of these areas... instead of being okay with the fall..

...this month i cooked in safety... instead of being elaborate... with a few exceptions... i could've built on what i did but didn't... i could've went much deeper with beans i experimented with...

...in letting go of control... i would let go of what perception i want you to have of me... i would share and be okay that it might not look great or perfect... and that i will learn... afterall... all of this is laborataory of experimentation... possibility... what is impossible becomes impossible in trying to control...

...the absence of control is not being lost and pointless... but entering the space of Trust in the Infinite... of learning... of truly learning... of constant growth...

...this is again asking what are you afraid of? what are you trying to control? how could you let go to get to where you can/want to...?...

...this month... as i ask this question - what am i trying to control? how can i let go to reach the next stage with You... you will be receiving medicine kits from me... you will be seeing commitment to spaces... to taking risks... afterall it takes commitment to see things through - single-minded dedication... being specific like the intention of looking for chantarelles... and being finite while supple and exploratory... it takes risks to let go of money and invest in possibility to shape... for the Work... in Surrender to the Work...

...stop... stop... focus... focus... one thing at a time... without control... with intention... this will change time and space... when you try and control your offerings... then you try to control time and space... and this... all of this... is a passing... you and i are passing through... for a brief moment... and we have no control... but we have fruits to bear... that are essential... share... give... i am trying to control this medicine i have for you and by doing so... you don't get it... and you may need it real bad...

...the Work...

...history is written in the genetic engagement of movement through this path... in asana... i am moving in sequences of actg codon specific to this Way of enlightenment taught from guru to student for generations...

...written in these feet are the words of sun warriors virabadrasana-ing through to becoming moon, half moon, crescent moon, and a star... the symbol of the universal path of Surrender that commemorates, today, the Warrior prophet ibrahim, who after 90 years of life gave birth to his first child, a son... the son, upon growing into the age of manhood (in those times -12)... was asked to be sacrificed in abraham's conversations with Essence... torn, tortured, in grief... he went ahead with it... laid the child down to be beheaded and when, in the course of lifting his axe, was told to stop...

...how tuned are you to the signs, the words... the language of the One?... abraham who is so revered in the torah, bible, qur'an... would be in 25-life in our modern era... most of the prophets would...

...what is the True voice saying, revealing?... when do you hear it?...

...when i asked ALLAH (in the space of rahmadhan - rahma - returning into the womb) how i can fall in Love with You... ALLAH conveyed through signs... that i Love the Creation... the Creation being you and you and you...

...and when i asked how do i do this... ALLAH conveyed... through Surrender... through being fully in a space of Surrender - and the Truth will manifest...

...i realized this when i was in sajdah, head to the ground... with dozens of others who were in a space of fasting 21-22 hour days, with me... people who drove cabs, who cooked food all day on the street for others, and pushed their cart, and not an ounce of water until sun down... and they lived... and i lived through my 3 hours of asana practice... and my hours of bodywork on others... i was renewed in  strength by the evening...

...so now... i've been told that the Way to Connect meaningfully... by way of Surrender... is to do Work... is to Work apart from you, but as Work that needs to be done...

...at the moment, i am in college town bagels , at the cornell campus... electric with the start of a new semester... and the radio here blares skinny love... bon iver... a song i can listen to on repeat... that resonates with darkness in me... that part of me that is uncertain about this life thing... not getting it... feeling like an alien in my skin... in this body that goes through space and time without any choice of control... who witnesses generation after generation go through high school, college, get out, get jobs, or try to... party... drink... get married... divorced... make it... drug up... liquor up... prayer up...

...the song brings up something deep from within me... resonance... bon iver's work is so deeply personal that there is resonance... that there is a cord that strikes for anyone who listens to it... this is true with music that is honest... that comes from a place of depth - gangstarr, alice coltrane, nusrat fateh ali khan, peyote songs,  hamza el din, sylvio rodriguez...

...what is so deeply personal to you... so much so that you are close to afraid of it...?... afterall fear is a current within Love... it is the trepidation you feel when meeting a Lover... one you have anticipated seeing all week... all praise is due... all praise is Always due...

...walk into it... embrace it... my kindred yusef tells me that we often ask for fulfillment of our Purpose, without asking for the tools that will get us there...

...i believe we have these tools... that they are within our grips... that they reside within us... and it is just a matter of getting out of our way... getting the ego that wants things to be perfect to get out of the way... getting the fear of failure... of judgement... of this and that... that is premised on ego... to get out of the Way...

...my Purpose to be fulfilled would look like... hmmm... less gargantuan than i thought... less change the entire world... less the super-hero, che/malcolm/gandhi-complex ... i developed this complex in thinking that this is what i have to do - me - change it - and nothing can be done until it is big enough...

...all along dhaka... everyone is hustling... all along bombay and rishikesh... people are tryng to make it - for their families, for their survival.. for capital gain... for change... but these folk... whether you or i agree... are playing...

...players in the game... i want to play... i want o shoot and if i miss... i want to keep shooting... i want to shoot not to make it... but to play with you... to be in a space with you... so that i learn how to shoot better, and play... can you be a player if you are not playing?...

...the Work that i have the tools to do... that is not about me... is self-Love = Self-Love... is the Work towards this path... is getting Closer... is building community through health - body mind spirit - Real meaningful community... through cooking, eating, movement... experiencing it in Your body... and this is avialable to my indigenous mom and cornel students... movement... Connecting with Oneness... there is no class/race/ethnic/ability divide in this...

...asana then would look like the water falling from the cliff at the waterfalls in taughnok state park... and i would go deeper from this place of Surrender... until i get to the next level... the game is infinite... without end... Work... is to share the product...

...get your Work out there not because of you but because it needs doing... and you doing it... 

...getting out of the cloud...

...in the cloud... getting out fo the cloud... do you ahve all your stuff up on the cloud...

...stuff.. too much of it... gets clouded...crowded... chemicals shift and become head rappers ... thorns on jsesus... leave you crucified by overwhelm... of confusion... of being in a cloud... of bein in the nebuli of syntax...

...how do you get out?... what do you...?... keep it simple... stay focused... have your focus... the one that works towards You Connecting - being in interaction with other beings - in mind.. written down...

...mine is making slef-Love medicine kits... this writing... these writings are my life example... the doin... not just a word exhorting you to do what i say... but here it is... if you want some help getting through today... write... or whatever taps into your soul to channel that which you are here to do - Create - through inspriation...

...what are you inspired by?... today... today i am inspired by uttanasa to handstand - press ups - closer to this... i am inspired by being empty... by this pen pad, keyboard to pummel down thoughts and hit submit... not thinking too much about it... release... let go...

...to day i am inspired by the weather... by the Love shown by a recent friend who is considering a ride to the city with me... when he heard i was looking into renting a car... how beautfiul... how Truly Beautiful... You Are...

...i Am inspired by the news a friend shared on the newness in her program that is presenting her with all these opportunities... immediately... which engages her talent and places her in community with others... everything she wanted... how beautiful...

...i Am in a space of inspiration... when i write... when i move... when i walk... when i am in a flow...

...so what inspires you?... what if it doesn't happen, can trigger you into inspiration?... for me it is movement... walking... getting somewhere... creating... being in a space of creativity... little bursts of dynamism... of Connecting with You through convo... through movement... through support.. through co-creating... Create...

...today i moved into a space outside of the cloud... through Creating with nature... with You... through movement... through staying single-minded focus on the Work... blends... todays blend is back to school... to help you with the stresses of going back... whether you are student or a teacher...

...Real Yogis...

...despair is rooted in uniforms that were sprayed with monsanto's roundup in identity-centralized politcos that led to the language of conquistador and then transmitted like vampire virus to the conquered who began speaking in -centrisms...

...somehow... every thing is up for commodification and appropriation... and when done by those of us perceived as oppressed... there is a pass... it's okay...

...we can make anything up now... and it's okay... i can say i'm indigenous and this is how we have been doing it for thousands of years... and you will believe me... and the identity politics promulgated through ethnic studies programs on the streets and in campuses make it okay...

...when i asked her why she cut people off... she said it was easier that way... don't have to deal with them... 

... in babylon... identity politics and reinventing history is easier then dealing with reality... it's easier for indians to speak of all the wrongs in india, bangladesh, and pakistan as coming from the british rule... and negating the millennia of caste systems that plugged us in to a hierarchy from birth...

...it's easy... it allows us to bask in victim-ism... and romanticize a glorious past...

...it's easy to claim that all traditional medicine came from wherever you are from... and you may get a pass to do this... and you may have some pictures from ancient scripts to illustrate this speculative point...

...and for me... i can tell you that chinese medicine actually came from india... and acupuncture is actually a corrupted version of marma points... but that would be a big claim... a bold and arrogant one... a nationally arrogant one... highly speculative...

...and you can have my back on it cause i'm browner... poorer... etc... or you can go with Truth and love me... but not support the fiction i carry...

...i Know this path of yogi is steeped in a tradition that is thousands and thousands of years old... merely from the criteria of a euro-centric determinant of his-story = written history...

...the vedas... the upanishads... thousands of years old... written in meter to commit memory to legacy... to the words that came down from generation to generation for millennia prior to the written texts...

...i Know this to be true of Ayurveda... i know because my grandfather and great-grandfather were medicine-men in india... i know this because my gurrukul is from a gita family... sharing the teachings of the bahagavad gita for generations...

...i appreciate this... i appreciate the continuum... and with that said... no claims on it... but instead promulgation of a Way... and as the guru muhammad (s.a.w) has taught... the Way has to be universal... ethnocentrism/nationality/etc is antithetical to the Way of Spirit... causes separation... fragments One-ness - and produces maya...

...yoga/yogi is not nationalism... is not a race... is not a path to get deeper with race and racialization...

..yoga/yogi has roots... has fortunately been passed down from generation to generation for millennia...  please recognize and respect this ... and if you don't... if you concoct whatever fiction rests your identity politics at ease... Know that Real will Always Recognize Real...

...contradictions...

....what are my contradictions...?... how do i illuminate them instead of keep them in the dark?...

...what are yours?... i enjoyed our company the other day... and noticed others, whose company i would enjoy as well... in fact... there was a couple i knew who we ran into... said hi... n it was good to see them... n i kept my distance... to ensure your safety... to ensure that u felt ok... why?... what if i stood there and spoke to them for a while...?... what if i made plans to hang with one of them... while you were there... while you waited...?... would that be rude? improper? disrespectful?... or honest...? real...?...

...hmmmn... i wonder about this... about being real and true to self... while practicing compassion... while being regulated by the feelings of others... while being kind... while engaging in ethics....what are the ethics you practice?... how does it guid your day to day?...

...afteralll... weren't all these rich, powerful men in hollywood... weinstein, cosby, others... as sick and repulsive as their acts were.... weren't they being honest to their inner desires with those they disrespected?... i mean... it's said that we engage in sexual thoughts several times a day... they say men think about it a good quarter to half the time... who knows where babylon get these stats... but... we can all attest to the fact that we have these thoughts... so what if we acted on them?... would that be more honest?...

...i ask... because i was posed with this dilemma by someone i knew... who engaged in this way... a woman... who actively flirted with others in front of me... who made plans to see/hang/etc... it was honest... and the consequences of this were that it broke a sense of social more for me... that it was crossing a line... but it wasn't underhanded... it happened right in front of me and i had the opportunity to decide how i wanted to respond...

... things go grey in a way that i'd hear from folk older than me when i was young... black and whiteness become a million shades in between... and i am enveloped in the shades, like a heap of blankets stacked above me...

...i guess... it's probably why i write so much... these pages are readily available... doesn't require so much effort... my folks and bro are like that... readily available... open... i can call them now and speak for a while... most others... including probably me... are busy... have a lot to do... don't have the time... unless you are right in front of them... and they in front of you...

...you choose who you want to make the effort for... and if it's not your family... and you are constantly making effort and it is not reciprocated... let go... with Love... let go and focus your energies on what needs focus... and you will attract those you will... as it was written...

...the contradictions are opportunities to transform... to acknowledge, be transparent... and work through it... bring it to fore... cause only we can figure this out together... by ourselves... we are like cells in the skin... aware of other cells, but isolated to the skin....

...move with values that are from a place of vulnerability... that allow you to be vulnerable... honest... potentially hurt... but cards on the table... with compassion... with humility... and in this suppleness... grow... let yourself grow... 

...let go and Be on Your Way...

...what do you choose?... in a ted talk, the ted talker said show me the four people you spend the most time with and i will show you your future... who do you spend the most time with?...

...i wonder if for some people the people they spend the most time with might not be people at all but their computers, phones, devices...

... i prefer human interaction... i prefer human interaction that is meaningful, adeventurous, exploratory, honoring... i want to honor those i am in relations with... i want  to feel honored... so i want to give you what i would want...

...do you honor the people in your life? how? a friend once told me that it was ok if i couldn't come up with a material present for my nephews, but spending time with them would go a long way... spend time with those you love... meaningful time... Connect with them in a Way that is deep, and beautiful, and makes them feel beautiful...

...i love getting texts, calls, follow throughs from friends... people in my life letting me know they are thinking of me through their actions... emperor does this... he shows up... he knocks on my door and comes in... he runs into  me on the street, honks his horn, and tells me to come in... he tells me i need to step it up, that he is concerned about referring people to me when my living situation is so unstable...

...queen shows up when she shows up... she doesn't want to make plans, she doesn't want to be held to any standard, any accountability... wants to say hi and then disappear... maybe see me later but not sure... and this fans anxiety and anticipation... the not knowing... the hoping... the thinking it is possible... and it becomes unhealthy... stemming from a place of un ease, from a place of excitement due to the very possible let down... knowing the let down is strongly possible...

...she says everyone has contradictions... most are afraid to illuminate them... what are your contradictions?... is it that you speak of love and honesty and yet chronically masturbate, watching porn, spilling seeds... how should this get illuminated?... i suppose the sharing... of being open...

her contradiction is that she wants to not have boundaries... to sink into you as you are speaking... perhaps interlace hands and legs... perhaps touch each other... and then go to the bathroom, go out for a smoke, grab a light from a stranger, and do the same with him... and it brings up the question of truth, of living our truth... i wonder what it would be if we all went with our base desire... walking in the world would look real different...

...i want to make sure you are heard... so i ask you qeustions... i want to make sure you are honored...  i want to make sure you feel like a Queen, a King... i want to make sure you feel respected, loved.. and i don't want to say these things and pay only lipservice... be a text buddy, not show up for what is important for you... not make time...

...if you keep making time and honoring and giving of yourself to someone who doesn't reciprocate... give them prayers and be on your Way...

...life is too short to waste your time wondering in anticipation, hoping for an alcoholic to stop drinking, loving someone who stands you up over and over... wish them well... don't get mad at them... as their hearts are sealed or maybe not.. or maybe their hearts operate differently... they have to go through their journey...

...and ALLAH Knows what you do not know... so trust.... let go... even if it hurts... and focus on the Work... there is Work to be done... and it is not to waste time playing games, fanning your insecurities, running in circles chasing rainbows... let the rainbows Be... let go, focus on the Work...

...full moon july 2018

...do it different... focus on one thing... embrace fear... and at every given moment, ask yourself:
what am i afraid of?  am i off focus? and how am i doing this different?...

...repetition... purpose, actualization... listen... the One... this is brief... do it now... i get it now i think... get rumi... get maybe why all his poems were about this... perhaps they were all conversations with self, with him self... to remind... and as many poems as he wrote many more were needed to be reminded...

...the jewel from my dad: working with singleminded dedication reaps success...

...fasting... day 2/3... fasting for You... for me... for shedding... for letting go... for the chyrsalis... for Be-coming... at times i am ready to disappear... to dissipate... feel overwhelmed by it all... don't get it... hear the critiques from others, the feedback... and appreciate it... appreciate that others take the time to tell me what it is... to step it up... emp does this, ammu does this, cb does this sometimes... he is more like smack, who just makes sure i'm supported, that i'm right regardless if i'm not... makes me choke up...

...i enjoy being this for others... whether your right or wrong you're still right... and i mean the core dozen... i mean those i trust and Love... like my boy step, and smack, and naum, and really... anyone in my life who i Connect with on this level...

...all over the place... been all over the place... i'm afraid to tell you that i'm all over the place... that i've lived in more places in the past few years than many people have in their lifetimes... and somehow i keep ending up in this loop... keep ending up returning to queens... to the apartment of my upbringing...

...been told from people in my life that they want stability from me... and i know i rely in stability from others... because i am wind... because staying anywhere feels like a commitment... and i want to commit... but committing to not knowing has been scary... so whether it's nyc or another place... i am committing to a not knowing... instead of moving somewhere for work or school, i move based on wind... based on Connection... but i'm learning the Connection is in the Work... in the exchange with You and You and You...

...single-minded focus on herbs/medicine making and medicine-manning will get my medicines to you... will get much needed medicines to you... and Connect You with Source and manifestations of Source... is letting go of those and that which is not on path... is keeping thick and not stretching thin...

...the Work is and should only be Guided by Connection... by what needs to be done to elevate to heighten Frequency, the God-vibration... Om... all praise is due... and doing this in community has been the want... the desire... but in the meantime... do it... get it done... out there... hold space for others to work with you... as people out here in ithaca have done - tammy sweet, 7-song, and others who have herb schools/programs that bring people into cohort experiences... there are yoga schools that do this as well... perhaps use that model... even though it is driven by an individual and personality... do this until...  focus on the medicine... getting you medicine kits this month...

...be honest with Yourself...

...in the name of Essence... all praise is due... this moment is here...gone... a story of a moment at a cafe on the day that grassroots concluded...

...and the only plan that has been steadfast is bowing down to You... through prayer, asana, connecting with food and Your creation in a meaningful Way...

...i'm learning... and don't know if it's what i need to be learning... but learning...

...here is what i am learning... there are things we Are afraid of... many things... should we walk into all of them?... i am afraid of rolling down a mountain... should i do it?...

...i Am learning that we should embrace fears that draw us Closer to our Purpose... that there are people who will come into your life and they may stir you in certain ways... and the greatest opportunity is presented by way of emotions that well up... and it is safe to run away... but what is greater is to confront them... to approach them... to be completely honest with them and your self... and this will get You through... this will grow You...

...and if You continue to have the same challenges and issues with others... then ask yourself what about me is leading me to feel this way?

...afterall.. it is easier to focus on others... on what about them?... about that person...?... but it is you/i that assess, evaluate as pleasure or pain... if it is pleasure- yay!!! - if it is pain - no!!!...

...what is the pain you are running from?... perhaps it may be that you are attempting to control a situation... what a great opportunity to let go... perhaps your sense of being dishonoured stems from being your expectation for being treated differently... let go of your ego... what if your ego wasn't in the way?... what would the situation look like?...

...all conflict poses opportunities... for you to grow deeper in your journey... for you being honest with yourself and with others... if someone constantly brings about hurt in you... look at why... instead of looking at that person...

...embrace fear in every situation... but Work towards Your Purpose... let the journey of embracing fear and being present be the end... what if this was the end...?... perhaps you would engage your energy in a Way that was more meaningful... perhaps you would realize you have wants that are okay and that another may not be able to fulfill and its okay to be honest with them and yourself... and let go... and do it from the point of you... and not a judge of them...

...i want you and you don't want me in the same way... and i would be more injurious then beneficial to our relation... and i would like to spend my energy connecting with someone who feels mutually... as i can't convince you of anything... nor do i want to... and who you Are is beautiful... it just doesn't align with my Way... and i want to wish you peace in yours...

...so that's it.. be honest with yourself, as you embrace fear... be meaningful with Your time and others... and let boundaries come not from a place of anti- anyone but an embrace of You... and growing deeper in this embrace...

...stay focused on Your Work... do it with worship... and those who You must align with will... and those who detract you from the path... embrace with Love... and honesty... and what comes up for you... and let go... and continue to Work with focus... so at the end of the day, you can answer the question ALLAH will ask you after all this - how did you spend your time today? - with full-heartedness and a sense of completion...

...afterall... 1980's 90's 2000's 2010's... grade school... high school... college... all of it... people... ex's... moives... all of it passes... so Love... fully... with focus on Your specific task... be honest... with yourself... and others... as you seize the opp to grow deeper in what comes up in the face of fear... and let go....