...12.30.21... going In...

...in the name and breath and breadth of the One... You see this... my words ... the thoughts that concurrently collide and deceive one antoehr as they seek to take shape to com

e out right to hide to replace to appear... words with clothes... wolves... sheeps... none of the aboves... i am none of the aboves... human... just a being.. a spirit being... 

...i am realizing... through the talks of viapssana... the teachings of gautama... the teachings of Self... through salat and prayers... through Quiet moments without distraction... through dreams that reveal... that i am and have mostly been focuse on the external... and outside this church... and in being so have shaped words and language and deeds that may lign with something acceptable... and i think what i am learning... meaning really what i am learning is that i could benefit more form doing the opposite... just laying myself bare... this is who i am... this is what i am going through... this is who my mother father brothers are in color wight height birth ecomnics ...

... instead of concocting constructing imagery... a doll house... this is me falling again... my throat was hurting... i couldn't sleep... i wondered if you would text me... i got tired of waiting... part of me didn't care... part of me feels indifferent sometimes... part of me feels none of this will ever work... part of me has given up... part of me believes... when i was hanging with steph i was mostly thinking about you and wanting to be with you... when i hang out and i am not creating... being creative... cooking, walking, philosophizing, moving... i feel like i am wasting my time and would rather be in my asana practice or writing or cooking by myself cause all of this involves a creative process like these words that flicker like electrons that flick and fling and make me wonder about your flings and makes me wonder if... doubt and the one thing that has been deeply successful about us is me not doubting You for a second... Trusting fully in Love and giving without expectation of return without a hope in reciprocity... and benefitting immediately... it is the action of meditation that does this... taking action and letting the action the positive action seed and replicate instead of the negative, the tamasic, the rajasic... the one that festers doubt, anger, jealousy, lies.... 

...this morning i don't need to tell anyone about my yoga practice or going to edges with certain poses and falling and messing up and getting messy... i know... i don't have to tell anyone about listening to my own advice of Connecting with Sprit and moving... and how good this felt... and how at times i'd want to stop not because i was wounded or winded but because i wanted to stop out of laziness out of a mind that sits like a virus and tries to take host of the me... and i would go back... this morning i checked my phone for messages and remembered the words of goenka - to pay attention to sensation with equanimity... 

...in moving forward i talk about and presence me as i am... and listen to you for You... i no longer share myself for appearances... for what i think you would like... but staying Connected with You through being in a state of sensation and equanimity at every moment through ujjayi breath and nodding... doing what the Lover would do... being fully in every moment... in the name of ALLAH... 

...dec 23 2021... trying... to feel You...

 ...been wanting to go there... where nothing maters... where Work is Connecting in the deepest Way... Work has changed for me... the lens of productivity is no longer an aspiration... more so... depth is... how deep can i get?... can we get?... in this yoga... yuj... Union... 1ness ( ALLAH)... 

...when i consider the past few... of jobs and joblessness... i no longer feel a sense of regret... no longer desire a 9-5 or career... a safety net... 

...it's all Connected.. 

...you've said it... heard it... but do you believe it... 

...the Way you speak is Connected to how you walk... how you brush... how you lie... how you try... worship... all of it thought... steeped in either craving or aversion... the hopscotch... 

...so i keep You in mind... keep You foremost... can't help it... but there is me... me who wants to appear... to be accepted... relevant... who desires... is desired... wants to be... wanna be... even though it think it's me i'm being... soemtimes it is... often times it is not... often times i'm just trying to figure it out... 

...i keep thinking/saying that i want to Connect with her deeper... deeply... to see You... to Be with You... to go inside... deep... epic... swim... 

...swam in her... hours... all night... most of the morning... deep... halleleuja... and then there was the rest of the day... there were words... today there were tears... emotion... emotional... landscapes... 

...i wonder if any of my writings make sense... if they are more frustrating to read than they are anything else... i don't consider audience... not really thinking of making sense... fitting my thought.... language to one that might convey what would make sense... not deliberately doing this... just... this kind of writing... these zig zags... 30 years ago and now... astoria and ithaca and palestine and bangladesh and india and guru-nama and alhamdulillah... makes sense to me... 

...i guess we are supposed to make/create in a way that others can read... but if it's from the Soul it will Aways Reach... 

...Always... 

...want everything with You... 

...everything... whispered this in her ear... shook my head... 

...what... she smiled... as we melted... became One... glimpses of krsna... 

...did i see You...?... where You there?... 

...never felt like i belonged anywhere...

..me niether...

...since i was born... 

...me too... 

...where You there?...

...there was a weakness... tears... a lot of them... when we melded... when we became One... when we rocked... when the frustration of not being able to... of obstacle came to the fore... of the tragedy ahead... of how difficult this was... would be... 

...could we have the Love we do if it weren't for obstacle?... for what is working against us?... likely not... 

...in the name of ALLAH... 

...did i Really experience You...?... where You there... the tears felt right... a release... what the Lover would do... go deep... Real deep... what the artist would do to get to the Soul... my my my Lord... 

...of course hare krsna... of course hare rama... 

...these days when i cook i am reminded of intention... of frequency... that the same meal can be made with brevity and expedience or with Love, Compassion... 

...how could i go to that place...?... the place that intimacy brings me too in the moment to moment...?... in the Always... in more than just this moment...?... to embrace the difficult... the difficult is time... is creating from being messy... is embracing the mess of you and you and you... as that is reality... of being nonjudgemental... my Lord... 

...called you my Lord cause i felt it... cause i Knew it was You i was speaking to... 

...my my Lord... 

...the eve of christmas eve and i am in think cafe around union square laughing at paying a $3 tip for a $5 drink... it was an accident... but maybe  deliberate one... one that had to happen... to let go... to see money for what it is... to give to get... to not think of the getting but Trusting that ALLAH is Infinite... 

...my my Lord... 

...zeros... part of me is stuck in the romantic... the desire to be with her... to get back to us... Knowing everything changes... everything... and yet the Soul remains... that that time and place and moment are stamped in d.n.a... will carry forth for generations... what's been stamped in my d.n.a...?... my my my Lord... 

...dec. 22. 2021 winter solstice seed...

 

...last night i jolted to her jolt.... words... the frequency of fear... trepidation... loathing... "get out... she said... 

"get out"... she said it again... 

are you ok? 

no, she nodded... 

she stared at me... bright big, blue, shock, ptsd, ambulatory... 

...pure... honest...

you... you wouldn't let me get out, you were trying to control me... 

i was shocked to hear it... 

you wanted me to stay forever and when i said no, you kept me pinned down in your bed... 

...i felt guilty... even though it was a dream... her dream... her nightmare... i felt ashamed of the me in there... a me that she may see even through my Love and calm... a me that may exist in the vault of men who wield power like batons and police movement like apartheid israel... 

...she told me more... her friend had come to her rescue... sitting in a car outside to get her... to pick her up, take her away... 

...she looked at me... big, eyes large and searching, cheeks trembling... 

i'm afraid she cried... and turned around... i'm afraid of you... i don't what to do... i'm so scared right now... 

do you want me to go to the other room?... 

no, she nodded... 

i looked at her... as ehe looked at me... but then found that maybe i was that person and she was seeing that... and i thought maybe... as i believe in dreams and the signs they present... and i have been battling my own inner demons of ego... of staying clear of persuasion... of what is not unconditional Love... but noticing patterns... perhaps subtle, perhaps not an issue to some... but i see them... i know... i live with my vices, the subatomic particles of kalpas that emit a frequency like lines in stone... samskaras that i have been trying to break down... 

...and yet... the more i considered her story... the more i realized that it was me as a symbol of the men in her life... men who force their way in against her will against her inability to say no... men who are trapped by the body and desire and consider the heart only so much as they wish to control her and her movements... 

...i shared this perspective after asking her what she thought it meant and she said she didn't know and asked me... i shared this after she described the me in the dream... a man much bigger than me... than my ballerina figure... 

...i went from guilt of the me in her dream to re-evaluation... to wondering why i was so quick to believe that it was me... 

...part of it i see as Work i need to do... in letting go... in practicing unconditional Love... in being transparent and honest in my subatomics - clothes, hair, beard, everything... and the less i am in these areas the less i will be in the overall... the less i will be able to transmute the subatomic control centers... 

...but the other part was that there was a symbolism... that there have been men... and the actions of the man she mentioned was far removed from my character... i'm no angel... but i also am not into doing anything against anyone's will... if anything i'm more likely to bounce, ghost, feel sorry for myself and say f it, see you never... than force anyone to do anything... that's never been me... it makes me sick to think about... 

...but as jesus told the pharisees - before you judge the prostitutes at the brothel, look at your own sins... and as goenka-ji says, a tantrum is just a result of a much deeper seed planted... that seed is what needs to be dissolved... the seed of force is fear.... which can cause jealousy, control, from a sense of loss of control, of wanting, desiring control - of wanting what is unrealistic... what is realistic is that people are who they are - noncommittal, sensual, desiring, wanting, the gamut... and that is reality... and attempting to control that reality can be through underhanded detail like iago or through force... both have the same seed... so i'll take the lesson of the inner fear and insecurity that results, and work on transmuting this seed... inshALLAH... 

...othello and desdemona were not set for destruction because of iago but because of othello's assumption of control, of proprietorship... 

...we own no one... not even our selves... but we have leverage over these thoughts and physical movements of this body-mind so long as we are tapped into Spirit... 

...the dream leads to the intention for this new year... to let go of control... of trying to control outcomes... whether that be in my work or in the peoples in my life... and instead to give it my all... to be full... Loving, kind... All... honest... Unconditional... rooting for You... 

...full moon december 2021...

 

....in the name and breath of the Most High... all praise is due... gratitude for my brother and his wisdom - seasons of life... important to honor the seasons people are in... the 20's are a time of exploration... of figuring it out... of enjoying... and seeing what happens... learning you...

...what i learned in my 20's is that i love having someone to have my back, to love me, to hang with... a buddy... a companion... a lover... of having this and more... others... getting away... the excitement of going somewhere, meeting someone new... of racking up numbers and prospects... of constant possibilities... 

...learned by the end of my 20's that i didn't want to be here... that none of this made sense... that turning numbers didn't make sense... that everything changes... changed... and i want something to hold on to... and the whiskey and vodka and gin was killing my liver and organs and making me sick and the weed was making me paranoid and depressed... and the parties were making me dizzy and the not knowing of parties that others knew made me feel left out and sad... and the lack of a meaningful friends circle made me pretend... and that the benchpresses felt good but constraining... and that's when the fast happened... when the relationship to food changed... when the music i listened to came to the fore... there was a frequency there... the next few years would be a hopscotch into this world - everything was different... and yet i wasn't doing the work to transmute the old... just focusing on the new... on the new of post-nani and randi... of wanting something deeper but also being in my patterns of unhealthy relations... growing from pretend-committed to non-committal - l.a., back - then ro... then growing deeper - physically, spiritually, intellectually... but it faded... why?... cause i was driven by the dopamine rush... the drug of our relation... 

...in the name of ALLAH... 

...i could continue... but clearly there is a me in all this... me as a central character... me as the one who created the situations for myself... who made it so that i was not in yoga... filling the time... onto the next... not present... not transmuting... and i don't know what the answers are... i know what seems to Work is when i am deepest in Quiet... when i am not pretending... when i Am fully confident in my skin, body, speech, age, movement, mistakes, risks... Love... vulnerability... pause... i noticed my fear of pause this morning... in my avoidance of ujjayi... of breathing with quick movements so i could have more count than Witness... afraid of the Witness... noticed... noticing my constant tendency to want to control... how i look... appear... am received... how you think should think move... etc.... it is fantasy... an avoidance of reality... reality is what is... the good and the bad... or what you perceive as good and bad... is animate life as they are as opposed to inanimate life like a doll house that i control... 

...on the one hand... no desire to control... on the other hand... it comes up a lot... let go and Surrender... how?... by staying in a Spiritual discipline that is supple, rooted, open, compassionate, fearless, without dogma, alchemizing, embracing of discomfort, fear, risk, change... 

...it hurts to hear what will happen... what is to come... as it isn't always better... nor is it known... uncertain... but all of it is... i ended up back in ithaca through uncertainty... root in this moment... there will never be another nani nor randi... nor chinatown with ro... they are moments... moments that makeup our life... the best we can do is be fully in them... wear them with all of us... 

...this past moon cycle... i learned relearned the importance of these intentions... of Being and manifesting through sincerity in Connecting... this full moon... 

...this full moon... this coming cycle of december into january... i want to increase my Love and vulnerability... through diving into the ocean of Love and swimming... with pause... taking deep breaths and staying in it... instead of flapping... instead of getting anxious about the doom that is to come... 

...some days i think how it would be nice to have a short life... of leaving before this becomes a burden... of not wanting to be old in the modern world... of accepting that i failed... but tried at times... and be a pleasant memory for those i knew... Connected with deeply... but i Know that this is not up to me... that i am not here to decide that... i Am here to help make the world Be Beautiful... a place of Beauty... to walk in Beauty... in the name of the Most High... 

...part of me wants to be on the road... moving... in movement... part of me wants to construct an image a story... a romance novel... even though i know... even though i Know that the most Amazing thing is to speak from You... to Move from You... to give and presence without expectation... 

...i bear witness... over and over and over... 

...instead of lies... instead of being under the gun of society... a victim to be saved... that only you can help... instead of control... the opposite - Love... the opposite of control is Love... unconditional... Love You... want You... want to Be with You... only if you want that... only if you want to make it Work... and if not Love You regardless... because it will Always be You... 

...this full moon i want to grow deeper in my Love with her through greater risk... vulnerability... openness... Source Connection... gazing... Listening... asking... touching... whispering... sharing... giving... crafting... artistness... 

...this full moon i want what i do... all of it to Be Works of Art that open more and more the windows to Soul... to do this in Yoga - in hours of asana - growing deeper in the edges... in the aspirations... in the next stages, in hours of Love making... a vinayasa of inside each other... gazing... stroking... shifting... breathing... becoming stars together... walking through walls in how we move through the city landscape...

...my intention is to make epic Works of art in conversation - Listening... learning from the Listen... presencing deep vulnerability, tears, laughter, gazing... movement... risking ridiculous... playing playful and seeing what happens... sharing yoga... meditation... writing... mudra... pranayama... massage... receiving lessons - french, singing, gifting... Creating... Gifts... kits...

...my intention is to get deeper in integrating these arts as i begin to re-enter the state of currency - of making something... of earning a living... of doing this through my art... 

...in the name of ALLAH... 

...to do Art... take risks... a risk for example would be putting a call out on a writing course/workshop i will do when i'm in baltimore for a couple of days... of teaching yoga... a yoga course... a course on nutrition and herbalism... of building Love and boundaries... 

...what is your art? artistic process?... a risk you can take right now?... 

12.10.21

 ...music harkens eras, time periods, moments in our history... a certain someone, a group... o.p.p. is playing at the cafe and i'm taken to those fast times during college, walking around profiling clothes, hairstyle, strut, and hoping to be under the banner of a league of others who were cool to hide behind, to facilitate my acceptance into being one of you... even though i wasn't... would never be... no one is... as the only fitting in is with our Self...

...this is why people we are stuck on songs, and styles, and a once upon a times get wrecked with substance abuse, cynicism, nostalgia...

...i can't say i suffer from this... all praise is due... stick to You... Your side... and Everything... Breath... 

...pranayama through the day... and even though we were together earlier... even though we are a couple at this moment... it's not because of clothes, or strut, or cool... it is due to Connection... a Connection that is pure Love... pure... You... 

...the difference is staying rooted in ritual, in prayer, in craft, in Work... this will keep us Connected... this journey makes sense because it is showing up without pretenses... with how many had been doing it... many who saw through the maya in their own way... it took me a while... see it now... 

...been seeing it for a while... the discipline keeps me in Sight... the need to go deeper... grow deeper... try... Reach... praise... play... in the name of ALLAH... 

12.9.21

...in the name of ALLAH...

...in the end it is our relations... how we Loved, touched the hearts of others that we will bring with us... gave with our money, time... 

...i have grown to Love the people here... the people that have come through my life... dey... random bran... builder bran... ari.. or... cay... kev... tribes... rest in peace shoshana... i learned from another elder... n didn't respond... 

...responded to other texts... thought about the entanglement of my body with my new Love... the Love between us... thought about the song i would send Love... 

...ammu cried for nanu... for feeling guilt... thanked me for relieving her of the guilt... told her i wasn't saying anything to relieve guilt... that it was the Truth... 

...bullets... take bullets for the people i Love... 

...and it - this life thing - goes like that... conrad, day, sif, warren, firuz, boro apa... humbled... it's humbling... 

...and i get the hustle... and i don't... 

...i see the conflict of tribalism... the beauty of Loyalty and Honor and Respect and fulfilling Responsibilities... and how this could be incarcerating if it is from a place of coercion, of control, lacking nourishment, Love, unconditionalness...

...i want to let You Know that i Love You... and that you can't do anything wrong in my book... and that i will Love You regardless... and i would like to hold you to high expectations but only if it feels right... only if it feels good... only if it nourishes and grows your Spirit... and i'll do the same... and if/when you can't... it's okay... just let me know... 

...ALLAH is Greater than this moment and all moments... more than the 40's and 20's and teens... more than lifetimes... more than the times of day and seasons... and yet we honor You through the times of days and seasons... we are said to bow down and honor these moments of the cosmic calendar to Align... it is these moments that are portals... that Connect us to You... and yet You are even beyond this... so why then...?... would it matter if we didn't do any of these observations...?... can we be in a state of You at all times...?... in the name of ALLAH... 

...i bear Witness that all things pass... that even this song i Love and that Connects me to You will pass... that this Love i am experiencing will manifest into Deeper... will be Always... so long as i pay attention... that maybe it is this relationship that is the Work... the portal... that will Connect me... 

...what then is Love...?... in these romantic scenarios?... why do we fall in Love... 

...i Realize that i grow deeper with You in moments of pause... of Listening... of Honoring what i have Listened to... of staying in the frame of not-knowing... and yet moving with the Confidence of You... 

...of letting go of these performances to Become... 

...the theatre that negates laillahaillala... of performing for others instead of keeping You front and center...

...if i was performing this morning... if i was attempting to be my best... it was to Connect... to Give... more than about me... not about me... about her... about Us... about becoming one... and i feel that... the Connection from mind-spirit-emotion manifesting in physical form... in being inside... not to get off... but to Connect... to Love... to be in Union... 

...these dots... they say a lot... whether anyone sees or not... these words... as they spill... as they go beyond audience and perfomance... as they tell all - me... bangladesh... india... america... new york... ithaca... vegan... yogi... himalaya... cayuga... poetry... bon iver and robert smith... johnny depp and wynona ryder... method man and nusrat fateh ali khan... fana fi ALLAH and ecstatic dance... osho and eco-villages... hippie and hip hop... Quietness... 

...your picture tells me nothing... your conversation... our exchange... everything... you Are everything... 

...hey... how are you...?... Everything... 

...what i'm learning is to let go of distraction... that you can get real deep in worship when you grow more and more singular... yoga for you... cooking for you... eating out for you... socializing for you... praying for you... music-ing for you... dancing for you... bismillah... everything has grown so much deeper... 

...this laboratory of us... of me... of seeing my ways... patterns... to wanting to Connect... to give... to be utmost for you... 

...maybe this is krsna-consciousness... to see you in everyone... and in loving you loving everyOne deeper... falling in Love with all of them as i grow deeper in my Love for You... and it doesn't have to be said... doesn't have to be used to control or manipulate or persuade... convince... but only to Honor this journey... seeing what is possible... learning... taking lessons i missed... not a moments rest without You... 

...and what happens when it dissipates?... it only does if you do... if you embrace distraction... if you try to control... if you are arrogant in the process... instead of Surrendering... each of us have our own Truth and it is only through Surrender that we are able to see, to understand... 

...going deeper in Love... means to Honor... to take pause... to incorporate... 

...in the name of ALLAH... 

...i have not earned income in a while... and yet i feel more fulfilled than ever... i have not shared my medicine in the form of herbs and bodywork and counsel... and yet it is through holding and Honoring space with my relations that the medicine happens... 

...and yet... i Know the sharing is essential... to be in interaction... to Connect with others through Work... to put sweat and blood into what i do so that it Reaches... not to grow or expand or gain fame or popularity... but to Connect... 

...inside this new Love... die... 

...eulogies...

...shoshana was a kind Loving nourishing God-fearing person who wanted to help society through her deep commitment to You... to her belief and understanding that was in prostration to the belief and values of the group she was part of... she sank her own ships of capital and ownership to be with You completely... and shared her beliefs with her group to Guide them in deeper devotion so they would be of the people who you favor and not those of us who go astray... she shared her Love with me... her hopes for me to be part of this Divine covenant... she prayed for me and held me and hugged me and wrote to me when i was away... she was always available to sit down and talk to me... and field my questions with Love and hope in my rescue... all praise is due for her and her walk on this earth and the pain she endured and the Love she emitted... 

...this full moon... 11.29.21...

 ...day one million in the stars of the solar system of earthlings formerly bondaged to sautrnites and now a perceived free people... and i don't know about any of it other than what i hear cause i stopped reading after seeing i'd never finish even just the library my dad holds like a botanist in his garden

...i smell the pages of the 1950's, 60's and romance movements into my yoga poses forgetting to flow and sometimes so enraptured in a flow that i dive into a wonderland of love and Lovers... become a Lover that is without the hangups of modern man... of human inhibition and arrogance... tapped into a Source so Loving that i surrender into the breath that comes through... laughing, nodding, moving beyond age and time, clear in my lucidity, Love in my touch - words, eyes, hands, whispers, sway, inside... 

...inside this Love i breathe... so deep... 

....and there is only the trepidation that comes from being in Your presence... knowing this is all You... and honoring that through your ikra - to give more than take as it is in the giving that you receive... to do good from a place of Unconditional... to Reach, make Love, play, flirt, be transparent, honest, vulnerable... stunned, in awe, in every moment... Love You... 

...this moon, to Love and listen to the feedback... to give... to give my all in Love... taking risks... regardless of rejection and embarassment... 

...ground control... 11.15.21...

 ...ground control sends messages... emits radars... frequencies that miss me... that i missed... forgot to listen... forget to think about it... was reading the stars... constellations that my mom read in my palms... you will be married at some point... have three kids... and they will fall in love with the Way... and cherish and protect us as they plant seeds for the village of lift off...

...tell my wife i lover her very much... 

...lift off through the circuit board malfunctions... wonder what will happen if i don't make it back to earth... 

...between worlds... i miss housing and job and bills... i neglect the flowers in the window... paddling my feet up and down mean streets that cheer up... cheered by up... up in a cheer... how many more ways is there to say what happened?... when?... how?... does this happen to everyone?... 

...the 6 hardeners of the heart doesn't seem to cover grief, confusion, existential quagmire... it seems to be premised on anger, lust/desire, jealousy/envy... but what about messing up because this doesn't make sense... and that i just want to write and not have to look for where my writing will be viewed by the most people and get me the most hits... i just want to play the piano... to strike chords... do a strike a chord with you?...

...i will be back again... and there are more places that i am saying that for... ithaca, philly, nyc, portland, montreal... haven't been there in `10 years... more... maybe... maybe baby... maybe... just maybe... 

...wanting to call you... to talk for hours... to run to you run to you run to you... darling... 

...radiohead... i bop to songs blaring through my body... electric impulses that whisper... before they shriek... 

...radio the waves to the aliens that i was... that i've become... that all of us worked for... mining gold... and now we mine data... that alien is the a.i.... the gold is the data... the colonized lives in us... is typing... is on the control board... until we realize we don't have to respond to signals from this board if we tune into the Tune of the One... 

...shadow boxing... 11.11.21...

 ...the shadows abound... for me... i see them in my love stories... in lovers who leave early, before sleep can entangle us in a dream... before we can know each other during breakfast... 

...i'm learning that your doing you feels hurtful because i'm not really doing me... i'm all over the place... scattered like u.s. bullets pelting earth wind and fire... 

...i'm ready... 

...up and running down albany and state... seeing who's around... blasting radiohead from my blue tooth and the dental insurance is too much and the brush and floss and oil all there... and the greens and onions... 

...i wanted you to put your hand on mine, to draw me into you, into fade, into stars that we'd watch from the field outside the observatory... 

...i was at the sandwich shop, my head covered in wool... my hands peeking out of the army jacket, to give change through the cut wrist glove, and i wanted you to notice, i wanted you to smile... blow a kiss...

...instead it's only your apparition that i dance with, talk like a scratched record that plays through the samskaras... and that's when it dawns on me - these are samskaras and i get to change them... i get to dissolved them from ice into smoke... space... constellation... 

...the Knowing is in the togetherness... 10.31.21...

 ...in the name of the Most High... whoever that is for you... and if it's a hit of molly drained in a cup of joe with some microdoses of shrooms... i don't know... that's all i have to say... i get it... but i don't think that will get you there... to the Most High... but i get you brother... sister... 

...we're all trying... i think... to Reach... to get Higher... to Connect... isn't that why we speak to ourselves... some out loud... some in our heads... speaking to someone else there... who?... isn't that why we meet with friends, lovers, family, ask them if they are upto anything that night, to get a bite, to take a walk, to do something together...???.... 

...even if we decide to stay home, often times it is to zonk into a netflix series... 10 episodes in and still not satiated, not wanting it to be over... taking the characters with us into our sleep... wondering what they would do if they were in your shoes... 

...we are Seeking Connection, the desire to be together... to leave the alone-ness... it is in Knowing each other that we come to Know You... to Love... to be in Love... to learn Your Way... and it is ultimately You we want to be with... 

...but then why resonance with some and not others...??... why are we attracted to some people and not others?... why do we find some attractive and others unattractive or not attractive enough?... why do we desire certain body types and accents, and cultures, and phenotypes, and backgrounds, and the list goes on... why?... perhaps it is to feel safe... to confide... to grow in union in a way that embodies that ecstasy... afterall not all wine is the same... some like chardonnay more than they do shiraz or cab... why?... why do we have tastes?... 

...resonance... the echo of Connection, Connectivity, of Reaching a High that the taste of one can give vs another... and in the process perhaps getting just a little bit Closer... 

...not a moments rest... without you... and maybe it's You... 10.29.21...

 there was another of those winds that day, those winds that carry newspapers that flap like a raven, dark and ominous - headlines of wars and 49 dead in a car bomb and a suicide bomber walking into a marketplace and 9 stabbed to death in a hair salon. i was walking past the ghosts from last night, across the bridge, falling to my knees halfway over, not caring that cornel and ithaca college students looked through the windows of their subaru's and prius', in wonder, if i was just another of the towns addicts who openly banged their head on the ground to split their skull like it was a trend. i didn't bother correcting them, didn't nod when they snapped pictures for instagram or facebook or tic toc or an essay or party favor. i was wrecked in our voices from the night before, me inviting you over, you saying you had to meet with your employer, us standing in silence, watching the waves, as drizzles flattened your hair. it was clear that i was withdrawn then, defeated by the saboteur that lurked in me like the dead in the house i lived in. we could've kissed, held hands, fallen in love, drunken like the emptied bottles that lined my ex's room. 

i should goto sleep. i should meditate. i should change. i should learn to transmute, to Love unconditionally, to be more in this world... somehow i missed the boat on earth... been swimming through the galaxy with music in me blaring looking for you, looking to go across the universe with you and forgetting that i'm here, in a place where houses get bought and sold and rent is due at the end of every month and everything costs and dreams are related to money

but i'm told, i realize, over and over, that it's only You that i'm really longing for... that this hurt, this hollow, this desire is only to be with You, and the forms and spirits i encounter, the desire to make Love only comes from this desire to experience You... it is the closest i get... i've gotten and very little can replace this... most of the people i know these days are falling into barrels of alcohol, of cigarettes and sex with strangers, with date after date from daring apps, like a swivel door that they run through... 

...maybe they are looking too, for You... then there is Love, the desire to fall and be in Love and i wonder if this is different, this addiction to being in Love, to wanting to be so enmeshed in someone else that nothing and no one else matters... 

...9.18.21... to call a place home...

 ...throat stuck in a thought and working it out through tartar vocalizing by myself in a whole foods cafe surrounded by screens of football, live, but none of them are here and people around but none i know and the prison cell bars are before them and me, even as we walk past each other socially distanced because the pandemic is a psychology of property and individuation has been my rebel response until i realized i was only regurgitating the way of the -ism of the mono-crop culture... i'm a gmo'd corn gone wild and still stuck on the pathetic shelves of a supermarket, progressing from city to suburb to now not where the hell to go or if there is a go and i get why know you left and step to his eyes on panama... 

...sludged through fishtown earlier, wondering if this was the place to mark an x and call home and it's become dizzying - this search for place to belong to - some people just move and it's okay - but i carry dreams of tribe with me... my moves have to be measured cause they mostly haven't and time is running out...

...what i can tell you about fishtown is that there are things to do... that there are people around... there are institutions that offer culture, woodshops and reuse centers, where policy and industry are considered... where the earth is factored into reshaping the landscape... unlike this middle class suburb where people who sought comfort find comfort in not having to think about things, so long as they are safe and they are healthy and their kids are in good schools... i think... 

...mt airy has more of a past that is present... a more thoughtful family crowd moving in, people who want coops to shop from and cafes but also community... 

...where is there community?... where is my community?...

...if i had to choose - fishtown offers stuff - things to do - opportunities to be relevant in the work i do... traffic would be a possible issue, and it would be the city, with what comes with city... 

...i am drawn to more green space these days then city, more tree lined than avenues... more cafes than restaurants... more access to national parks... i am also drawn to real community... to yoga community and in my mind it's happening - the ashram - in the depressed regions where a multi unit multi story house is affordable and can serve as a live work space...  but what about a n a...  and tribe?... they live next door... two houses next door to each other... 

...does it matter where?... after-all whichever way you go... so long as you stay on it long enough... you are bound to get somewhere... 

...pretending to be who you want... 9.10.21...

 ...as you Are... come... as you need... Surrender... the answer is before you... just as yoga is here... ujjayi... you choose to breathe or not... even as we age... even as the wine grows sour... 

...there are memories that aren't yours... that extend beyond this body... and you are one of them for me... in my slight of tongue and twist of speech... 

...fated for death... we all are... from these bodies... the 20's... 1920's... roaring 20's... when you were twenty and you mom 40 and you in the blanket of parents and guardians and youth... running down a dream... filled with smoke and the scent of whiskey like a perfume in her mouth... you watching her smoke come through your nostrils... 

...inventing stories of who you would like if i were ... a man with a .22 tucked in my waist... a load of powder in the ziplock in my back pocket... a journal and nietszche rolled in ups bag... creating movies as i move through you... for a story that will lead you to cheer me on into greater pretend...

...pretend that i know what i'm doing... i have no clue... hence the spiral of words that leave me and you in the sphere of sanitarium... 

...the american modern has tailored this strait jacket i wear... that has left me closer to a grave without a clue and pushing my family to an edge that reeks of regret and hurt and disappointment... 

...one truth is that whatever you spend time doing... whatever you challenge yourself int... you can and will grow deeper with... that it will progress you... whether it's yoga or writing or foraging or making medicine or getting a car or a house or being handy with repairs... 

...put the intention forth... carve the time... do it... take action... stop running in circles... see what happens... 

...possibilities abound... 9.8.21...

 

...in the plaza de major of astoria the syrian dancers meld into the greek dabke as chris and i watch with anthropology... a walk through the town square lands us in conversation with the woman from richmond, on her bike, swaying her hips to the rhythm of ancient as she connects with ancestry... she tells me this when we share a laugh over the guy with the illuminated balloons that are tethered by the strings bunched in each hand so that it looks like he has the wings of an astronauts and its delightful when he is behind the stature of sacrotes, along side the band in intermission, but as he grows close, we shield our eyes, and when he passes we laugh and the laughter like alcohol provides excuse to speak, to shed the inhibition that requires reason to speak, to disintegrate walls...

...the cyclist tried, when he sped down the wrong side of the street and ran into the van crashing the bumper and flipping over... a circus of a tuesday evening walk that led to audience and spectacle... each of us participating in the awe... chris and i found ourselves next to a woman from boston, who like us were seeking to put together the pieces of the puzzle that led us there... 

...for chris and i, it was the smash of vehicle on vehicle that we heard from a block away... for the woman, it was her walk from the subway on her way back from a friend's in greenpoint... we shared curiosity that merged into a curiosity of each other... 

...these moments abound... the intersection of lives and possibility...  the fairies are all around us... in this moment... seen and unseen... drop backs into wheel and the standing forth... one hand handstand and straight legged jump throughs... they are there... like vipassana... and the novel... and the spouse... and lovers... and kids... you just have to lean into what isn't seen...

...new moon... 9.6.21...

 

...she played in h living room, dropping her index and middle fingers hard on the d a c minors, her ring and pink held up like the handstand i was doing in my vinyasa catching glimpses of our second break up, another another... screaming gloria... G L O R I A... as i walked out of her place in the morning dew of cabs and ubers dropping off bachelors and bachelorettes coming home from a night of hope, their lovers clinging to the close of their eyes as they dreamily walked through me... me an apparition in the streets of memories that haunt these hauntings of stores closed and whispering the shouts of dean and his boys, sonny and his gang, jack and j walking up and down steinway booming... i was glad to be away from them... spooked their past with the wisdom of age... of being surrendered by the guillotine of age... 

...i'm on your side even though it's over... and i walk out in peace, the door closes but it's a really a swivel that i walk in and out of living and bedrooms kitchens and showers only to really see what your life is like... wanting to know you more than the kisses that plague the lips of our cells with the mongrels of media that strike chords of man made fears and yet are heedless in their arrogance towards the One... readily regime changing and dropping the mother of bombs on a people and their history until they like us are fragmented... without village or community they are ripe for the modern we are  drugs alcohol sex and nihilistic music addiction... 

...its's a new moon and the luminosity of possibility rings in the closures of flings that this time drop feedback slips in my ears for me to transmute the pattern of man made in china and factories in dhaka... i'd rather wear the torn jeans from the salvo on elmira road... on tuesdays they have half off blue tags but i was there on wednesday and fell in love with the vegan down and it reminds me that i want to no longer wear suede or leather or hav anything to do with that industry and instead of telling you what is bad or good i want to grow deeper in my love for veggies and soil...

...and the new moon holds with it the promises of the past full moon when i put forth intentions for harvest... it is time... to harvest... as this season requires... which means sharing what i've planted - medicine kits, yoga courses, clinics... writings... and more... in the less...

...in the name of ALLAH... 

...9.4.21... lust or love... seeking Connection...

 

...sometimes... You... and then you... and the battleground... what i think is love is lust... and what is lust is a desire for Connection... to be with You... and it's odd... cause the people you want to be loved by are usually those who disavow this... who are unavailable when you avail yourself... except...

...this is the exception... when you lose interest, when you no longer want to play... when you move on... then it happens... the desire... the kindling you were seeking... and then you are open again... then you put yourself in the ring... desire still fuming inside you... fumigating... suffocating... and then you get together and it shows... this desire... and because the tension is premised on resistance... and you offer none... she loses interest... is unable to be present... 

...the cycle is what leads to vrittis... whirlwinds of thought that keep you stuck like a record... spinning... out of control... you are out of control... 

...in the name of ALLAH... 

...sometimes... 

...the opportunity is in the suffering... to learn where it comes from... the lust... the seeking of pleasure... and when this is unavailable... hurt... disappointment...

...an obvious pattern... and yet... why does it cycle in this way...?... why do we keep after the sugar... the late night dessert - coco-bliss... the want... the anticipation leading you to get dressed, get fresh, superficially... so that your plastic is crisp, as nice as the packaging for the cologne at macy's... as nice as the packaging for the thousand dollar watches... you go... travel great distances... with this anticipation... this desire propelling you... not knowing where it's going... where it's going to go... 

...12 steps... 8.28.21...

 

...always... Always in Your Presence i tried to hide the trauma of migration and childhood of bullies and sari's of salat and fasting... this is me... You Know.. and ammu says this often... most new yorkers do - you know... a phraseology that acts as a sentence suffix... a root of which exists in the realm of the Teachings as imparted by the angel djibril who you may know as gabriel... to the prophet of this path of Surrendering to the Source of Peace... which you may not know is the translation of the most demonized Spiritual path in the west  - islam... 

...rich roll, in an interview with another pod caster credits the 12 steps for his constant state of recovery... afterall it is a moment to moment thing - falling and getting up - the struggle - until we learn to fly... and shaykh hamza yusef says of the 12 steps, of the reason why it works is the first step - which is to admit, to accept that you have no control in any of this, that there is a Higher Power that does, and in your Surrender you are able to get the help you need...

...are you Surrendering or are you still trying to be in control? to run the show...?... let go... and let.........

...Surrender to the Law... 8.27.21...

 ...me?... i am only possible in my moments of crumble... this is when possibility occurs... when the arrogance diminishes... is sometimes forced to by the circumstances of the One... in the name of ALLAH... the Most Compassionate... the Most Merciful... 

...i bear witness... do you... or is the world too much of a draw... is your pride too heavy...?... are you incapable of acknowledging wrong... or acceptance... to what may be beyond you to know... perhaps the people/person/s you feel wronged by were only acting according to Law and if you believe in dharma... if you have dharma... you will know that there is Law... just look at the trees... the leaves on them... look at the birthing process.. the trimesters... there is Law...

...if you recognize that this shariah (Law) is innate like the ACTG that determine the color of our eyes and length of our toes... then you recognize that you me and everyone you know is bound by the Law... and for every act of free will there is a Law that responds and the reaction is in what you get... it is karma... cause and effect... whatever causes you to get angry from babylon has an effect and thus you remain within the Law even if you want to or not... 

...if this is True... than everyone of us are within the Law... and so when you feel wronged by someone... they are just expressing their misery/hurt/anger from what the Law has handed him for their actions, thoughts, etc... 

...people of Spirit Recognize the Law and can move accordingly... can see how it effects us and others... especially for those who attempt to go past/beyond it... our entire modern culture is premised on this false notion of freedom that leaves vast swaths of our population - white, black, brown, red, yellow - to be in a state of arrogance, ostentation, conceit - and thus be in the states that come along with it - angry, hateful, lustful, greedy, violent, disrespectful, etc... they are only acting out the Law when they shoot that needle in their arm... 

...so Love... grow deeper in Your Quiet to Love... as it is accorded by the Law...  unconditional... 

...friday... do it now... 8.26.21...

 

...in the name of ALLAh... friday... the day that jammat is prescribed... the recommendation that people come together in prayer if you have not already throughout the week... ho have you connected with others in your life in prayer...?... more than just in getting a drink or going out to a restaurant... how was prayer part of it...?...

...what would you regret if someone close to you passed?... if you passed...?... it's inevitable... one of the guarantees in life... that this body will perish...

...i would regret not showing up for those who have shown up for me... of not showing up for those who are in need/challenged... less fortunate... for the Work that needed to be done that i ignored... neglected... due to my own self involvement... i would regret not making use of the Gift of time to share what i've done with it - write... yoga... vegan/plant based... love... walk through walls...

...do it... now ... Quietly... Quietness is the surest sign... 

...your Work is your village... 8.23.21...

 

...in the name of the One... ness... Compassion... Mercy... have Mercy... please... 

...do you have mercy?... do you show mercy to yourself, to your body? to your family friends strangers?... how?... i show mercy through these ancient practices... salat... dua... dhikr... mantra... asana... pranayama... ahimsa... soucha... poetry... writing... dream journaling... Quietude... 

...i could go deeper in my Service... in my karma yoga... as the whole Purpose of our Being is to worship... and the way to worship is through your selfless service to the Creation... as ALLAH conveys and as krsna tells arjuna... work is better than devotion but for the learned... they are one and the same... "work is worship", the prophet muhammad said...

...what is your Work?... your karma yoga... how are you serving?... i've been encountering people who have offerings... things they sell... that become a medium of interaction with the public... and opportunity to Connect and also make a living... sustain themselves... this has been drawing me... it will keep me from running after Connection and instead have meaningful Connection through the prescription - Work... 

....when you show up... You Are showing up for Work that needs to be done... not gain followers... not to grow your instagram... but because the Work requires doing... as greta has shown us... showing up at her consulate and skipping school to do so... taking a boat across the atlantic... not to get press and followers but to raise an issue so existential that it involves all of us...

...what's something you feel strongly about...?... so strange that it requires this level of attention... think beyond what is acceptable... what is normal... what would be cool...

...when i think about it... what comes up for me is migration... of having to leave and relocate and the impact this has on your ancestry and culture and the cultures that you move into and how it impacts all of us and how more than legal and illegal... its is why is it happening...?... what concerns me is individualism... why are we not talking to each other...?... why are we so conditioned to think only for ourselves and that when people get together and become a community they are labeled as a cult or something derogatory?... what concerns me is the lies... the lies of trends... of being convinced to buy something to be part of something or risk not being part... of the lies of food and what's int he supermarket and how it's killing us... of mono cultures and big agriculture and the do you and be an entrepreneur without any consideration for anything or anyone else... 

...i guess what yogini has taught me is that when you are in samadhi you move from that place of Truth... instead of fighting it... it becomes Compassion Mercy...

...full moon... 22 august 2021...

 

...in the name of ALLAH... the Most Compassionate... the Infinite... the Source of Peace... the Source of Creation... 

...the One is Known through creation, creativity... afterall it is observable... we were created... part of a creative process... the code we received from our parents and ancestors have painted us into these brushstrokes of features... so Love yourSelf... not in spite of others... not as an exception... not as a reaction to the standards... but from a place of Peace...

...from a place of Peace lean into your facial features, your skin, the folds, the slight wrinkle along your cheeks when you smile that wasn't there last year at 23, but at 24 you notice, at 27 you notice tiny cobwebs when your eyes smile and at 31 you may notice your hair thinning slightly, areas of pudge which were lean... at 35 you are aware of a frown line, and at 41 you notice the lines burrowing where you smile...

...it's happening quickly... 23 43 67 81 94 103... it's happening and there's no stopping the returen.. .the great return... and just in case you forget you are presented with new generations coming into adulthoods that were babies when you were stomping around, in the height of your youth... 

...there are no more graduations to look forward to so you enroll in a program, a course, something to look forward to, to work towards... even though... even though...

...1000 miles an hour on a plane leaving for the himalayas and yet your on the rebound a second later, wondering how it happened when you just left the other day...

...this... this which can't be explained... the force that gives birth to you and me... to an avocado and banana... to the herbs you take as medicine... this energy... this energy that you feel without a word from different people in your life... this is the Mystery...

...and this full moon... in the transition out of this fast... i realize that i haven't been releasing... that what i've been avoiding is the letting go of excesses... and instead i run... drive... speed... chase Connection... perhaps it'll be a house in a neighborhood that i don't know anyone but could possibly settle... perhaps it'll be an event with writers... perhaps it'll be a vegan event... and what i realize in each is that it is the vendors... those offering something that are the onese who profit... who mst benefit as they are there for a reason,.. have an excuse to speak to you and me... through their offering...

...j told me that he goes to dead concerts to make his offerings and it's how he sustains himself... 

...this full moon i release showing up empty handed... release the running around... release the putting time and energy into places and people who are not from a place of intention - of Purpose - and instead like money... am deliberate about who i spend my time with and where i spend my time as it is of the utmost... You are priceless and my chase and haphazard expenditure of time and energy wastes this finite prana You have given me... 

...bismillah... 

....8.16.21... you are Seen...

 

...before you go running off with your head chopped off and circling through the rush of day time to do's... recall intention... steep intention in Spirit... ask yourself what is my intention?... this is a practice in the path of Surrender... before Connection... before bowing your head down... before you even the ritual cleasning of the body which is a prereq to the bowing... intention...

...you may know this already... you may practice this in whatever your spiritual or agnostic path is... it has been a bit eye opening for me... to go deeper in my day through clear intention... 

...in whatever you do, you should always have an audience of One... this is the audience that no matter where you go, however remote, hears your thoughts, sees your actions... Sees how you haven't showered for days or changed your clothes, or how you rush through your yoga practice or count the minutes of the day or Sees how you are avoiding by getting on social media, and Hears you cussing out family and friends and people you've come across... people who disappoint you... Sees how you point fingers event though you speak otherwise... 

...of course this is a battleground between you and you to get to You... to do so means to embrace what you are avoiding... to Reach Higher... to Work without fear even in the face of discomfort... to take risks and avoid perfection and see what the feedback is...

...there is Work to be done... no time to idle away in haterations with groupings of family or friends... no time to dilly dally about this or that when it is not birthing something... the Creation process is to birth... and to birth is to Create... to collaborate... to take risks... to sit with discomfort... to transmute... to Be come...

...8.14.21... drawing into dust...

 

...in the name of ALLAH... in the breath of... hoo... hoo... hoo...

...all praise is due for this path of yogi... of the teachings of the prophet muhammad (s.a.w)... of patanjali and krsna... of the siddhartha and confucius... of the sacred teachings of the dao and gita... of the vedas and qur'an - the seal... as there of ego began to unravel... the flick pic pic pic... 

...look away from me... through me... into me... to see YourSelf... and if i build walls of my incredibility i have desecrated the sacred... as the sacred is our ability to elevate each other to open the door for what is possible... this is possible... this path... these teachings of the Noor who made it possible for us to root in ritual... to write... read... be in a state of meditation as we vinyasa with pranayama...

...yesterday i drew... first in a long time and wondered if the two hours i spent doodling lines that became a self portrait was meaningful... but after... it felt powerful... it made me wonder if i could draw... made me wonder what was in my way as an art student in high school... if i could now achieve what the education system couldn't teach me through what krsna and the prophet teach me... what yoga unravels through the daily practice... all of this is a practice and the only sanctity in it lies in the sharing...

...in the name of ALLAH... the ritual of daily practice - hygiene... prepping meals... asana... meditation... writing... and drawing... prayer and space in between meals to be of Service... to do karma and Connect keeps me in flow... in You... 

...boom boxes... 8.12.21...

 

...my big bro walked with his hair falling over his intense eyes, his head nodding to black sabbath's war pigs blaring from his silver boombox that sat at the nook of his shoulder, his hand expertly coming around to keep a hold of the handle...

...i walked with him, 10 years old and smoking the weed he let me hold, as he stopped  to slap hands with the gaggle of dudes with long hair, metallica jersey's and cut off denim jackets. they had their own boom box going... a big silver double cassette boom box that the godly dean sat on like it was his throne... he smiled and held his hand out for my brother... his stubble like velcro for strings of hair that stuck to it... the rest of his mane fell over his bare back and chest... 

...homage little man, dean said, putting his hand out for the weed i was pulling... he was chomping on some weed himself, and passed it over to one of the guys behind him to smoke ours... it was the way we stated a tribe... in our neighborhood... back in the day... 

...smoke and spit kept us bonded... a platoon in the midst of astoria, queens, to keep our families safe, other neighborhood kids in check, and good times rolling...   

...Surrender to Yoga... 8.5.21...

 

...in the name of ALLAH... everything...

..ran a mile around the cusp of mount meru, before i fell into the river that ran down my sushumna... into the sacral channel before traveling up the pingala... and down again in a chakra... through the ida... 

...secret Ways for those who go deep in their practice... what is in the realm of the Unseen... "this is a book for those who have faith... who believe in the Unseens..."... 

...the mysteries of man lie in the scripture of the leaves as read by the angel djibril and recited (Qur'an) by the prophet muhammad for us to Know... only possible through Surrender (islam)... 

...have you Surrendered...?... how?... yoga will teach you to Surrender... if you want to stand with your leg behind your head... if you would like to go from headstand to one legged crow... if you want your feet to reach towards your crown while your head reaches back... Surrender... 

...for me this involves getting out of my way... of taking inventory in my head... of getting cluttered in thought as i engage in rote... there is nothing rote about this ha that - sun and moon - do you know the definition already?... have you read about it?... it is only hearsay unless you experience it ... 

...the Way to Surrender is through the teachings of the enlightened ones... those who gave us salat, yoga, meditation, plant medicine...

...in the name and breath of... 

...it is already there... you just need to let go... 

...as and you will receive... 7.31.21...

 

...there are truths... like ask and you will receive... i'm learning this one... 

...you will... what ever is you ask for you will receive something in response... hey, what are you doing this evening?... want to hang?... responses you may receive: yes, no, maybe... and in the modern world of text/social media/dating apps - silence... nothing... 

...all of it are responses you received... more than not receiving anything... even the silence, the non-response was a very clear response - no... and now you have something to work with... but if you never ask you never get a response... and you stay sedimented in thoughts that become leaden and sink you into a drown... quicksand... swallowing your own anxieties into the dirt of your fears...

...what is it that you want?... is the want from a place of Spirit...?... from One-ness?... then ask... if it isn't, re-evaluate your want... as it will bury you in a frequency of pain/pleasure that is the ultimate trap of the maya... the illusive material world that prophets have warned us for millennia... 

...in the name of ALLAH...

...be clear about your intention...

...my intention is to Serve... to align with Self... to support this on a community level... to build community who can do this... to do this in a way that honors the Work that i've put into this Gift so that i can have a meaningful currency exchange... to sustain myself, to build dreams of village... of Real community... Work that is honest... that is growing... that is beautifying... that is transformative... that is honoring through listening and building on the person/s i'm working with...

...so i ask... i share what i do... i'm transparent about my rates and my time and commitment... in the name of ALLAH... 

...people medicine... 7.27.21...

 

...strummed hope in the commons again after leaving the dark space of treatment to treat myself to a pickle among the spread of mostly no vegan options that others seemed to nibble at before engaging in the thick of artistic forestry from the entrance of a hall through the mirror of infinity into an alter compiled of salvaged pieces from defunct restaurants, tire shops, people's front lawns or stoops... 

...there i fell into a tangle with the artist and our mutual friend about the artistic process and plant medicine and yoga and the yuj of us in the plant medicine experiences of our mutual friend e who'd gone through 25 ceremonies over the past 15 years... transforming trauma and reimagining relationships tarred with the scent of abuse... 

...inadvertent nostalgia led me to my own traumas and traumatizing... the bullied and bully of my own childhood and the pecking order of that period of single digits when the world walked by and the trauma of my parents were embroiled in the sheath of ancestral movements that like the saucha of the niyamas cleared a path to move through the metallic wilderness of the foreign land they prayed in... mostly for us... my brothers and i...

...the exhibit was closing and e i trickled our conversation onto the white stone ground of the pedestrian walkway.. enveloped in path and movement... in what's next and instagram... 

...i left a little more lifted... a conversation with a friend can do that... they can be all the medicine you need... 

...melding into myth... 7.26.21...

 ...before you left... before i say goodbye... you looked down... fell into my  chest... your arms rung around my waist... my arms over your shoulder, your sweater on the cool ithaca summer night a shawl i wanted to bury into... it would be a while... before... the unsaid.. .the trritory of no promises no demands... a battlefield of lovers of the new age... no strings... otherwise...

...don't break my heart... you sang... smiled when i looked over... your eyes a canopy of the stars above us... amidst music and fires we whispered... our bodies swaying like the hammock between the ash and aspen... the end of three days of stories you told me... stories of love, abuse, joblessness... 

...i'll bear them, i said... like matthew and paul and john... recorders of the brothels and gospels... 

...it was choking, like the smoke from the stones in the sweat lodge we sat across each other from just hours before... our sweat becoming the air of 23 bodies crying prayers for help... 

...even as a i drove off i blew a kiss into the pitch of back roads before floating into the myth of this town...

...full moon in aquarius... july 23rd 2021...

 ...july...24... 21...

...different... doing it different... it's available to do this different... to change the program to reinstall the downloads from the east... from the Source of revelation... 

...the download is to Become someone who is immersed in Work... honest in their Work... first with themselves... most importantly with themselves... 

..someone who goes deep... a Warrior... in the battleground of nafs... of the emotional senses that deviate... that are in constant flux... first here and then there... 

...in the name o ALLAH...

...starts here... and then ends and then starts again... without the capitalist market economy to capitalize on the shortcomings of emotional rollercoasters - get this because you are lacking in this... get that because you are lacking in that... that because it will make you more this...

..for me it's been walking aimlessly... looking for connections... seeing whose on the block... who to chop it up with... even though i know there is Work to do... knowing that the work will bring me there... so the shift is sometimes radical... 

...for me it would be a beginning middle and end... and then again.... a start and finish... a completion... a doing my best in the process... a Trust in whatever the outcome is that i did my best... and witness the results without emotional fluctuation... 

Today I dreamt that I was a traveller. That the grave was my ashes rilled in paper that I smoked on the crowded Dhaka street with two companions from upstate New York. Us going somewhere. Us not sure where. My other friend felt the urge. After we stood around for a while, she felt the urge to smoe. To go to the other side of the busy Mad Max Dhaka intersection. We walked down the stairs into the underground mall of sari shops and hawkers peddling paan and bottled water and gold plated bracelets and Tagore Cd's. Please make this quick, my other companion said, the shorter one, to the taller girl who needed desperately to smoke. "Just a little."

If this is part fiction. This life thing. Then we get to co-collaborate on the character we are. Last full moon I told Sam and Gordon and Mel that my intention was to use the Gifts I received to be of Service to those around me 0 with this Medicine. To do that on a moment to moment basis through affirmation, through Love, through deep encouragement. 

This full moon, I build on the lessons from that in growing deeper with boundaries. Boundaries that align with Law. Laws that facilitate clarity in need, in what has happening inside, and in the process Work - doing my best and taking the feedback. 

The story is that I see things to completion. Have a beginning middle and end. That I do it differently to go deeper in the edges. To Be in a state of flow. To see what it's ike to do it completely different. 

...7.13.21... dizzying...

...came here to jesus into my death... the part of me that died with these united states and those third worlds and the fleas and flies that flew around my head as i dizzied into a novel on an alien and his beloved family crossing borders to hide in tenements in a sprawling ghetto of aliens who no one knew what to do anything with so we watched them watch us... 

...and somehow i became a character in this story... at once a protagonist and antagonist... and the heartbreak was constant.. and i held on to the hurt that everyone around me was needled with like forced vaccinations... aliens inoculated into being modern humans who knew how to spend money and shop and consume intimacy and lie and sell ...and the dizzy left me in a fall...

...into...

...You... 

...7.11.21... audience of You...

 ...in the name of ALLAH...

...heard the screech of her voice in the middle of a night, like nails clawing a chalkboard... ...felt her words like teeth pulling at the skin on the nape of my neck.. ...watched her glitter, even through overalls and dark boots that came up to her knees  ...i knew it was her on the dance floor from the lavender oil that melded with the scent of hay in rain on her hair......i chewed her letter, that tasted like the memory of cafeteria food...

...wrote my way through the orphans lament donating all my money for a school of ancient Ways to stay Connected with Source even though this is already the case for so many ancient Ways peoples and traditions throughout the middle east, north and west and east africa... throughout the -stan's and parts of the indian subcontinent and the pacific islands... but the new age abhors religion and loves to extract what they deem is love when it is merely curcumin they are getting and not the whole ecosystem of turmeric...

...i have desire to be a founder or ceo or director or any of these things that they call boss... i accept prophets and prophecy and understand there are things beyond my scope of knowledge that can only be understood through those who Know who have Known... 

...this sun cycle... i grow deeper with fulfilling obligations through showing up for them with right intention - the audience of You... but no longer steering clear of being in the public eye... but very much in it... not for me... not for name... not for applause or hate... there are haters... they even pray 5 times a day... not for them... and for them... but all for You... 

...healthy fear... 7.4.21...

 

...hear me out... 

....escuchame... 

...i begin... again... and again... as with all things... as with all Life before and after me... in the name of ALLAH... the Most Compassionate the Most Merciful... to whom is our Return... and ALLAH reminds through the words of my yogi sistren how important fear of te Divine is... 

...she said this in our catch up.. in our kitchen... her daughters learning from the july heat... preparing their meal as part of their home school unschooled way... 

...in the name of ALLAH... 

...we spoke of the cancellation she'd been receiving... of the turmoil and lash out of her two best friends lost to alcohol... of others, former students who became casualties of capiltalism and the branding it requires... the erasure of a past and teachers... especially teachers who are still alive and well... for frear of being out-competed...

...in the name of ALLAH...

...what do you think it is?... i asked

...they are lacking fear of God... 

...i was surprised to hear this... as she is not muslim... nor an adherent to her own christian background... 

...in the name of ALLAH...

... fear can be healthy... a fear of the unknown... many times we speak only of Love... but there is the reality of fear... the fear of dying... of not knowing what will happen... of what is next... of what the doctr will say... of the knife we ay have to go under in surgery... of being pulled over by the cops... of your loved ones leaving you... of being canceled by a friend... 

...yet... how does this fear lose presence in the face of That which is behind it ALL... 

...yesterday was beautiful... as i was rooted in Work and rituals... in grounding in asana and prayer... and writing... and medicine man Work... today has already been in that vain... asana through injury with hope in the Divine intervention... prayer for longevity and health without suffering fro my folks... for family for my brother and i... 

...and now this writing... this that extends my shadows... the crevices of my small and large intestine... the villi of my space travel... 

...rebirth... cycles... 7.3.21...

 ...words may be everything... they may be why we have tears and sobs and laughter and joy... they may be how we pray with out family for our family for those who have moved on... where?... tears... i don't know... but there Are those who Know... and i trust that the prophet muhammad and his teachings in the line of jesus and noah Knew... that his Guidance for us to bow this monkey mind to the ground and raise up the heart is to Connect us with that Word - lub dub lub dub - Love - the language of the universe - at once shattering and calm... 

...i believe siddhartha gautama buddha Knew and his teachings of shila samadhi and banya through experiencing breath and sensation itself is the Word... to Know is to dissolve the Word till the only frequency is You... 

...in the name of ALLAH... the Most Compassionate the Most Merciful... and no matter how many times i write these words they are a reminder because my words seek to cover the dirt inside... my body a field of greens in which there is a landfill - plastic and wrappers and walkmans and cd players - cassettes of heroes of yesterday that burned in the spotlight and limp permanently scarred into their graves... 

...why do you do what you do?... what is your niya/intention?... at every moment ask - and if fear is there, if indolence is there... if the complacency to avoid discomfort is there... if pleasure seeking and fame... ego and narcissism are there... burn it... walk into the fear of getting Closer... with full Surrender... 

...end of cycle... 7.2.21...

 ...some of us need cannabis... to show us what's True... some kind of wasting... to bring us anew... afterall it's only in dying that we Realize living... perhaps this is why the moment of brushes with the end of human form lead to a slow down.. .a   flash flooding of you life and what could've been... an Awareness... 

...stress brings us close... stress can give us peace... if it is the right stress... if it is stress that allows us to unentangle discomfort through embracing it... to embrace fear and overcome it... these processes will lead us free of vritti... unless it becomes an addiction... unless it is a triathalon.... 

...what have you been afraid of this past year?... aging... getting older in numbers.... of missing the boat to have children and have a family... to tell you this... of being unsuccessful as a medicine man and yogi by not being of service to anyone in a meaningful way... in a Way that grows them Closer to You... of losing those closest to me without having fulfilled our shared dream... 

...i guess there aren't a lot... but this... of not fulfilling shared dreams... of not being of Service in a meaningful way... of not being able to make my Work sustainable...

...and the hadith of keeping the camel tethered to keep it from wandering... and then leaving it up to ALLAH strikes home - that we must Work towards what is right and good and in the path of You... and You will fulfill the rest - however this looks is our feedback to shift and reshape our Work... 

...embrace the fall... go into handstand... walk with your hands... bring them through your legs and back into chattaranga... jump through with straight legs  put your leg behind your head and stand up...... Work through the illusion of the body - breathe... 

...mythic... 6.28.21...

 

...in the name of ALLAH... 

...there was a full moon on friday... or was it thursday...?... it was huge... globular... epic... mythic... in mythica...

...we were before a fire... songs... drums... dances... headstand... 

...i rooted my skull into the ground until it seeded and became conversational with mycelium... 

...i painted that mural by stream... in the ditches of cornells gorges... the one i flowed through asana in front of... but the brush was in her hands... the artist with the sharp eyes... clear... like water... 

...i fell into conversations... sunday... saturday... friday night... before the fire... a strum of chords... folk lyrics... she told me her life... her days in trauma held in the flow of her breath... the hurt like a bass guitar... an umph... a deep desire for a shoulder... i listened to her memories... her great american novel... her childhood an americana like veterans marching after a war down a town center... in applause... the crowd not knowing they could never sleep again... 

...i saw her again the following day... as she walked... said hi... she paused... we fell into story... from the night before... it was ten years before the novel... in paris... the awakening... the sound of french and coffee dripping... the pour of alcohol last month... at the liquor-shop... a new telepathic development to reveal what kind of spirits men love to guzzle... you're a jack person right?... yeah... how'd you know...?... you... your a bourbon sipper... yes... very much so... she read their alcoholic preferences like tarot... a psychic in the drown... 

...i left... i had to go... i'll be back soon... but i do want to keep hearing your story... 

...i meant it.. it wasn't a line... there was something compelling there... something in me that needed working out... that kept me enthralled in the stories of pretty in trauma... of wanting to be there... for more than a weekend... before it was over... like the moon... reaching across the horizon... as we stumbled into sleeping bags... separate... apart... our bodies returning apart from one another... into dirt... some of us remember the dead...

...today i am reminded of death... of those who've past... of those i remember because of their Love... of their Service... regardless of pay... of making it possible... and i did... i put that intention out... to manifest your dream... your Purpose... that's what the medicine man does... as he fades in the background... by placing You in the fore...