energy actualizes

ancient mathematics like a mantra...my ammu tells me that we take nothing with us, sref (except) our deeds. what've you done? what are you doing?

my amma, always beautiful, grows more stunning each time i see her. and my abbu grows more into a giant, even as age chips away at his height. i love them, i think, as i watch them and hear the ancient mathematics ooze through their mannerisms, their slight of hand that is forever open to guests for conversation and music. 

even as we move through another decade in the same apartment, even as the building becomes a place as alien as brooklyn, as a new war emerges, a war that is scented with barristas and specialty lager bartender talk, a break from the bats, cuss words, and racial epithets of the older communities in the concentrated block of one thousand, i call this place home. shakily. 

my mind wraps around mind maps out of whack, scrawled like espresso drunks with a pen, 3 years of unemployment, and loss of purpose.

i forget my purpose sometimes, then recall the signs spoken by ALLAH. 

i look up and see the moon, full, growing, waning, waxing. past the midway mark since the last full moon. 

i recalled, earlier, what my intention of letting go was, earlier today, during a podcast i was listening to. intently.

everything we are today is a refletion of everything we've done, the host of the soul of islam podcast said. that's right, i thought. familiar. 

beyond excuses, and complaints, and being a victim, we are who we are because of what we've given energy to, he expounded, and i fell into remembrance.

my letting go intention this past month was to release the judge, the critic, that gives energy to second-guessing, to the can'ts, to the it wont's, to applying this to those who are doing, and critiquing them from this lens, just as a way to keep myself at bay. 

safe behind the bars of babylon, even though the sea and boat are right there, even though the keys to the prison door hang inside my cell. 

what is it that i want to give energy to? why am i not? what am i giving energy to instead? 

energy is the power of music, of a divine frequency that can give rise to beautiful, or tap into iblis and produce self-incarceration, polemics, talking bout it...

i want to give energy to growing deeper in path of yogi, by teaching asana in the way i find it to be sacred. i want to give energy to home, to community, to real community, based on relation to land and the principles of Surrender, of buidling these self-sustaining communities, i want to give energy to being a healer that is helpful, that practices in ancient ways, and is able to generate income towards building family and community. i want to give energy to doing actualizing the world i want to see.