...all praise is due...
...another month is this manifestation and i have nothing to prove to you ... this is me... this is as i Am... and if you look close... Real close... you will see yourSelf...
...and i will see You...
...all these things become real... all these things meaning attempting to control what you will see in me... how you will see me... your approval disapproval... and in turn... me trying to control you... how you should be... how i (lower self) wants you to be... because what i really want is stability... grounding... earth... but i don't want you to know that because if i do... i may be perceived as weak... fragile... needy... lacking... and as a result i go deep in self... in hermitage... in these practices... getting only so close...
...control... want to control what these blends will be... as perfectionism is premised on control... is premised on wanting to get it just right... perfect... and nothing can happen before this... love the idea of being messy...
...yesterday, j and i got messy... j and i foraged for chantarelles... it was beautiful... going through the forest... looking for oaks, finding the mushrooms in patches among the oaks... in damp areas... many with slugs on them... some bitten into... and then plucking and shaking the mushrooms out - to release spores... tearing and spreading some.. to hope they will re-vegetate...
...then we found others... button mushrooms... others j mentioned... and we talked about how they look and how they are different... and what was distinct about this foraging is that it wasn't involving every herb in the forest... it was specific... we had a mission - to forage for chantarelle's... and we stuck to it... and it was finite - 35min... max... and we then were on our way ... and today... for the full moon... for the concluding of the 36 hour fast... i made four versions of this magic... and they were great... felt great...
...if i were to try to control it... i would've said no... would've said lets just focus on the chanterlles... would've just stuck to a recipe... instead of experimenting and being beautifully surprised...
...the chantarelles were/are beautiful... and a beautiful example of how i can let go of control and go deeper...
...control places pressure on situations that is against life... is antithetical... is shelved always for tomorrow...
...this past month... in reflection ... since the last full moon... i moved from my july sublet, up the block to my august room... left my phone behind on the day of the full moon in a friend's car... and through her kindness and focus... retrieved within a couple of days... lost my phone again a couple days later... and through the conscience of the guy who found it, retrieved it the day after... 2 incidents of losing my phone... and two of my roommates also lost their phones and recovered them...
...i had some meaningful conversations with elder g... he is a youth in heart... inquisitive... Knowledgable... humble... told me about shock therapy... about receiving it after being driven into a mental hospital for a couple days... and how it led him into a dream state... into a deep reconciliation with his father... a forgiving... a moment of clarity that liberated him... made me think of how important pain is... how we need edges... need to embrace edges to transform... and when we are lazy... when give into our lower selves... we inhibit this potential ...
...this past month - let go of her - exorcised her through exercise - in the spot we decried as our spot - sweat so much i became a puddle...
...this past month... j's wedding - ceremony - connected deeper with him... layers happened... met and got requested to make medicine... guide a medicine man from the seneca nation and one from the lakota nation...
...layered with emperor... quick mornings with him here and there... excursions with him... quick... shabbats - meaningful shabbats - Connecting through prayer... ritual... food... cooking... creating... conversation... through being in movement - in witnessing his gifts and embracing them...
...this past month i gave more of myself to affirming others...
...this past month... i tabled at an event... without the medicine kits i said i would have ready... because i wanted to get it just right... becasue i wanted a certain artwork... a certain packaging... a perfect perception... and so i didn't get it out there... and this month... through a writing exercise/share with poeta... i learned of the importance of separating work from self... and instead do it for the sake of Self... because it has to be done... because it is essential that others receive it... instead of - this would be hot - others would think this is cool - no one else is doing this - and the line of thinking that births scheming...
... the Work... is always in dialogue... even if yu started to do it alone... becasue it is always in service to the One... and the ne will connect with you... give you the feedback you know... the Work is about You... in all Your forms... not about getting your name out there... and proving a point...
...proving a point is about control... about trying to control others... if you Are truly in Yoga... then it's a sharing to Connect... to Connect with You... and the perfectionism is dropped... the attachment to ego... the what i want you to see is dropped... and instead the reaching is High... Real High...
...ways i dropped control this month was when i reached out to loves in my life and put my cards on the table... instead of trying to get it just right... instead of thinking of what will look right or not... and Being Right... from a place of Love...
... i let go of control when i showed up at the event and tabled... and got a sense of what people need in their life - to smell good, to feel good - because they want you to recognize them... so i learned the importance of supporting people through what i make to Connect with others through Connecting with themSelf... by Connecting with earth Life that replenishes skin... Heightens a sense of sensuality...
...but what i didn't do was take risks... didn't just go ahead and get bags and support someone to come up with artwork... and support someone to do logistical work... make medicines... and tried to do it all alone again... instead of delegating... and learning to delegate...
...control kept me from sharing the Work... from giving you Yoga... from speaking out agains harms that are being doing to our earth... to people of earth and soul... to those stripped of power and under the mercy of those with guns bombs greed...
... this month i only inched in head behind my head... have made only inches in press to handstand and handstand... have made inches in kapotasana... i stayed in the territory of safety... i stayed in the space of ego... instead of taking classes that would work towards each of these... instead of letting go and walking into fear in each of these areas... instead of being okay with the fall..
...this month i cooked in safety... instead of being elaborate... with a few exceptions... i could've built on what i did but didn't... i could've went much deeper with beans i experimented with...
...in letting go of control... i would let go of what perception i want you to have of me... i would share and be okay that it might not look great or perfect... and that i will learn... afterall... all of this is laborataory of experimentation... possibility... what is impossible becomes impossible in trying to control...
...the absence of control is not being lost and pointless... but entering the space of Trust in the Infinite... of learning... of truly learning... of constant growth...
...this is again asking what are you afraid of? what are you trying to control? how could you let go to get to where you can/want to...?...
...this month... as i ask this question - what am i trying to control? how can i let go to reach the next stage with You... you will be receiving medicine kits from me... you will be seeing commitment to spaces... to taking risks... afterall it takes commitment to see things through - single-minded dedication... being specific like the intention of looking for chantarelles... and being finite while supple and exploratory... it takes risks to let go of money and invest in possibility to shape... for the Work... in Surrender to the Work...
...stop... stop... focus... focus... one thing at a time... without control... with intention... this will change time and space... when you try and control your offerings... then you try to control time and space... and this... all of this... is a passing... you and i are passing through... for a brief moment... and we have no control... but we have fruits to bear... that are essential... share... give... i am trying to control this medicine i have for you and by doing so... you don't get it... and you may need it real bad...
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