...in the name of ALLAH...
...in the end it is our relations... how we Loved, touched the hearts of others that we will bring with us... gave with our money, time...
...i have grown to Love the people here... the people that have come through my life... dey... random bran... builder bran... ari.. or... cay... kev... tribes... rest in peace shoshana... i learned from another elder... n didn't respond...
...responded to other texts... thought about the entanglement of my body with my new Love... the Love between us... thought about the song i would send Love...
...ammu cried for nanu... for feeling guilt... thanked me for relieving her of the guilt... told her i wasn't saying anything to relieve guilt... that it was the Truth...
...bullets... take bullets for the people i Love...
...and it - this life thing - goes like that... conrad, day, sif, warren, firuz, boro apa... humbled... it's humbling...
...and i get the hustle... and i don't...
...i see the conflict of tribalism... the beauty of Loyalty and Honor and Respect and fulfilling Responsibilities... and how this could be incarcerating if it is from a place of coercion, of control, lacking nourishment, Love, unconditionalness...
...i want to let You Know that i Love You... and that you can't do anything wrong in my book... and that i will Love You regardless... and i would like to hold you to high expectations but only if it feels right... only if it feels good... only if it nourishes and grows your Spirit... and i'll do the same... and if/when you can't... it's okay... just let me know...
...ALLAH is Greater than this moment and all moments... more than the 40's and 20's and teens... more than lifetimes... more than the times of day and seasons... and yet we honor You through the times of days and seasons... we are said to bow down and honor these moments of the cosmic calendar to Align... it is these moments that are portals... that Connect us to You... and yet You are even beyond this... so why then...?... would it matter if we didn't do any of these observations...?... can we be in a state of You at all times...?... in the name of ALLAH...
...i bear Witness that all things pass... that even this song i Love and that Connects me to You will pass... that this Love i am experiencing will manifest into Deeper... will be Always... so long as i pay attention... that maybe it is this relationship that is the Work... the portal... that will Connect me...
...what then is Love...?... in these romantic scenarios?... why do we fall in Love...
...i Realize that i grow deeper with You in moments of pause... of Listening... of Honoring what i have Listened to... of staying in the frame of not-knowing... and yet moving with the Confidence of You...
...of letting go of these performances to Become...
...the theatre that negates laillahaillala... of performing for others instead of keeping You front and center...
...if i was performing this morning... if i was attempting to be my best... it was to Connect... to Give... more than about me... not about me... about her... about Us... about becoming one... and i feel that... the Connection from mind-spirit-emotion manifesting in physical form... in being inside... not to get off... but to Connect... to Love... to be in Union...
...these dots... they say a lot... whether anyone sees or not... these words... as they spill... as they go beyond audience and perfomance... as they tell all - me... bangladesh... india... america... new york... ithaca... vegan... yogi... himalaya... cayuga... poetry... bon iver and robert smith... johnny depp and wynona ryder... method man and nusrat fateh ali khan... fana fi ALLAH and ecstatic dance... osho and eco-villages... hippie and hip hop... Quietness...
...your picture tells me nothing... your conversation... our exchange... everything... you Are everything...
...hey... how are you...?... Everything...
...what i'm learning is to let go of distraction... that you can get real deep in worship when you grow more and more singular... yoga for you... cooking for you... eating out for you... socializing for you... praying for you... music-ing for you... dancing for you... bismillah... everything has grown so much deeper...
...this laboratory of us... of me... of seeing my ways... patterns... to wanting to Connect... to give... to be utmost for you...
...maybe this is krsna-consciousness... to see you in everyone... and in loving you loving everyOne deeper... falling in Love with all of them as i grow deeper in my Love for You... and it doesn't have to be said... doesn't have to be used to control or manipulate or persuade... convince... but only to Honor this journey... seeing what is possible... learning... taking lessons i missed... not a moments rest without You...
...and what happens when it dissipates?... it only does if you do... if you embrace distraction... if you try to control... if you are arrogant in the process... instead of Surrendering... each of us have our own Truth and it is only through Surrender that we are able to see, to understand...
...going deeper in Love... means to Honor... to take pause... to incorporate...
...in the name of ALLAH...
...i have not earned income in a while... and yet i feel more fulfilled than ever... i have not shared my medicine in the form of herbs and bodywork and counsel... and yet it is through holding and Honoring space with my relations that the medicine happens...
...and yet... i Know the sharing is essential... to be in interaction... to Connect with others through Work... to put sweat and blood into what i do so that it Reaches... not to grow or expand or gain fame or popularity... but to Connect...
...inside this new Love... die...
...eulogies...
...shoshana was a kind Loving nourishing God-fearing person who wanted to help society through her deep commitment to You... to her belief and understanding that was in prostration to the belief and values of the group she was part of... she sank her own ships of capital and ownership to be with You completely... and shared her beliefs with her group to Guide them in deeper devotion so they would be of the people who you favor and not those of us who go astray... she shared her Love with me... her hopes for me to be part of this Divine covenant... she prayed for me and held me and hugged me and wrote to me when i was away... she was always available to sit down and talk to me... and field my questions with Love and hope in my rescue... all praise is due for her and her walk on this earth and the pain she endured and the Love she emitted...
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