....in the name and breath of the Most High... all praise is due... gratitude for my brother and his wisdom - seasons of life... important to honor the seasons people are in... the 20's are a time of exploration... of figuring it out... of enjoying... and seeing what happens... learning you...
...what i learned in my 20's is that i love having someone to have my back, to love me, to hang with... a buddy... a companion... a lover... of having this and more... others... getting away... the excitement of going somewhere, meeting someone new... of racking up numbers and prospects... of constant possibilities...
...learned by the end of my 20's that i didn't want to be here... that none of this made sense... that turning numbers didn't make sense... that everything changes... changed... and i want something to hold on to... and the whiskey and vodka and gin was killing my liver and organs and making me sick and the weed was making me paranoid and depressed... and the parties were making me dizzy and the not knowing of parties that others knew made me feel left out and sad... and the lack of a meaningful friends circle made me pretend... and that the benchpresses felt good but constraining... and that's when the fast happened... when the relationship to food changed... when the music i listened to came to the fore... there was a frequency there... the next few years would be a hopscotch into this world - everything was different... and yet i wasn't doing the work to transmute the old... just focusing on the new... on the new of post-nani and randi... of wanting something deeper but also being in my patterns of unhealthy relations... growing from pretend-committed to non-committal - l.a., back - then ro... then growing deeper - physically, spiritually, intellectually... but it faded... why?... cause i was driven by the dopamine rush... the drug of our relation...
...in the name of ALLAH...
...i could continue... but clearly there is a me in all this... me as a central character... me as the one who created the situations for myself... who made it so that i was not in yoga... filling the time... onto the next... not present... not transmuting... and i don't know what the answers are... i know what seems to Work is when i am deepest in Quiet... when i am not pretending... when i Am fully confident in my skin, body, speech, age, movement, mistakes, risks... Love... vulnerability... pause... i noticed my fear of pause this morning... in my avoidance of ujjayi... of breathing with quick movements so i could have more count than Witness... afraid of the Witness... noticed... noticing my constant tendency to want to control... how i look... appear... am received... how you think should think move... etc.... it is fantasy... an avoidance of reality... reality is what is... the good and the bad... or what you perceive as good and bad... is animate life as they are as opposed to inanimate life like a doll house that i control...
...on the one hand... no desire to control... on the other hand... it comes up a lot... let go and Surrender... how?... by staying in a Spiritual discipline that is supple, rooted, open, compassionate, fearless, without dogma, alchemizing, embracing of discomfort, fear, risk, change...
...it hurts to hear what will happen... what is to come... as it isn't always better... nor is it known... uncertain... but all of it is... i ended up back in ithaca through uncertainty... root in this moment... there will never be another nani nor randi... nor chinatown with ro... they are moments... moments that makeup our life... the best we can do is be fully in them... wear them with all of us...
...this past moon cycle... i learned relearned the importance of these intentions... of Being and manifesting through sincerity in Connecting... this full moon...
...this full moon... this coming cycle of december into january... i want to increase my Love and vulnerability... through diving into the ocean of Love and swimming... with pause... taking deep breaths and staying in it... instead of flapping... instead of getting anxious about the doom that is to come...
...some days i think how it would be nice to have a short life... of leaving before this becomes a burden... of not wanting to be old in the modern world... of accepting that i failed... but tried at times... and be a pleasant memory for those i knew... Connected with deeply... but i Know that this is not up to me... that i am not here to decide that... i Am here to help make the world Be Beautiful... a place of Beauty... to walk in Beauty... in the name of the Most High...
...part of me wants to be on the road... moving... in movement... part of me wants to construct an image a story... a romance novel... even though i know... even though i Know that the most Amazing thing is to speak from You... to Move from You... to give and presence without expectation...
...i bear witness... over and over and over...
...instead of lies... instead of being under the gun of society... a victim to be saved... that only you can help... instead of control... the opposite - Love... the opposite of control is Love... unconditional... Love You... want You... want to Be with You... only if you want that... only if you want to make it Work... and if not Love You regardless... because it will Always be You...
...this full moon i want to grow deeper in my Love with her through greater risk... vulnerability... openness... Source Connection... gazing... Listening... asking... touching... whispering... sharing... giving... crafting... artistness...
...this full moon i want what i do... all of it to Be Works of Art that open more and more the windows to Soul... to do this in Yoga - in hours of asana - growing deeper in the edges... in the aspirations... in the next stages, in hours of Love making... a vinayasa of inside each other... gazing... stroking... shifting... breathing... becoming stars together... walking through walls in how we move through the city landscape...
...my intention is to make epic Works of art in conversation - Listening... learning from the Listen... presencing deep vulnerability, tears, laughter, gazing... movement... risking ridiculous... playing playful and seeing what happens... sharing yoga... meditation... writing... mudra... pranayama... massage... receiving lessons - french, singing, gifting... Creating... Gifts... kits...
...my intention is to get deeper in integrating these arts as i begin to re-enter the state of currency - of making something... of earning a living... of doing this through my art...
...in the name of ALLAH...
...to do Art... take risks... a risk for example would be putting a call out on a writing course/workshop i will do when i'm in baltimore for a couple of days... of teaching yoga... a yoga course... a course on nutrition and herbalism... of building Love and boundaries...
...what is your art? artistic process?... a risk you can take right now?...
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